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Never in my life have I felt so lonely - laying next to my wife in the bed I built

Discussion in 'Loneliness' started by ParvusSapentia, Jun 16, 2017.

  1. HappyDaysAreHereAgain

    HappyDaysAreHereAgain Fapstronaut

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    I am sorry that she has reacted negatively, but I am awed by your dedication. My hope for a good resolution is only supported by your fighting so hard. You are certainly a far better man than you were a year ago. Stay strong.
     
    vyndaloo likes this.
  2. Chudmeister

    Chudmeister Fapstronaut

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    I was going through this for a week and it killed me, I did a lot of research on how to save my marriage and i learned, she doesn't want an apology, she doesn't care if you love her or do nice things or compliment . To her right now you are a pervert and trash. Stop arguing with her and realize you messed up, the names will hurt but own up to it and agree with her, instead of talking about çhange show her. You can control how life works. But these people are right fix yourself, make sure she knows your doing it and doing it alone if need be but would love her support. And be honest I lied 4 or 5 times to my wife and just like yours she didn't speak to me, it killed me we are ok but not that ok, I'm sleeping on the couch, but I may have helped her understand my problem better. She can't heal you dude. Trust me I'm dying for my wife's loving touch but I messed up and I have to earn her trust so I let her cope how she needs to. Show her your trying show her this site tell her what your doing to help yourself.
     
    vyndaloo and Hanging by a thread like this.
  3. thatoneguy123

    thatoneguy123 Fapstronaut

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    Shes over reacting and being immature drama queen
     
    Clerk373 likes this.
  4. 'I know i've fucked up but im only a human and the temptations are too strong. i felt very lonely and had dark times in my life. but i dont want to live that life anymore and for kids and yours sake just give me another chance'.
     
  5. Chudmeister

    Chudmeister Fapstronaut

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    Second chances and I'm sorrys only go so far, my wife shut me out for a week because of lying about porn and watching. Untill I proved to her that I am trying to quit that's when she talked to me. Anyone can beg for forgivness, I used to do that too. But accepting you have a problem and it's yours and not hers is when healing can start
     
    Hanging by a thread likes this.
  6. thatoneguy123

    thatoneguy123 Fapstronaut

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    Marriage in 2017 is a big fkin mistake. These women don't give a fuck about you. They see you as a dildo/debit card
     
  7. Hanging by a thread

    Hanging by a thread Fapstronaut

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    When you give more attn, effort and love to pixels then your SO, there's no one to blame but yourself. Regardless of what the SO has done, is doing, will do, owning up to your own issues would help more then using someone else's imperfections, issues as excuse to continue behavior your SO doesn't accept and in some way neither do you or you wouldn't be here. Also, putting down or degrading your partner doesn't solve your problems, it only adds to the porn fuel and message that it's ok to treat others the way you see it in some porn. That is not a relationship, especially not marriage and it sure isn't a path to a healthier mental state.
     
    Deleted Account likes this.
  8. mcgrim

    mcgrim Fapstronaut

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    No matter how this plays out don't deviate from the path you have started down. You are basically going though your personal version of fire and brimstone but great men are forged in fire so if you stay the course you have the opportunity to be the great man you were probably always meant to be.

    Nothing worth doing is easy and I believe from what I have read you now realize that and are taking the right steps to move forward with life. None of us know what the future will bring and perhaps someday you will be able to help keep someone from going down the same path which may bring you some comfort later on.

    I have learned through my own challenges in life that understanding is the key to everything. When you seek to understand the why then the knowledge on the how will follow naturally. I also learned that at least for me the meaning of life is to not know and accept my faults, but to know them and try everyday to be better than them.

    Just one final thought about what I have learned through my own challenges. Anything can work for you and against you at the same time, your greatest strength can be your greatest weakness and your greatest weakness can be your greatest strength. It all comes down to how you and the people around you deal with the situations as they arise.

    I pray that God will grant you the strength and courage to walk through this fire which is consuming you and your life.
     
    vyndaloo and Hanging by a thread like this.
  9. rostronaut

    rostronaut Nofap Moderator
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    Dear, I wish you should not have faced all this problem, but now you facing, i would like to throw my two cents. Also this is my view and perspective, it may differ from others, people wont like it, apologies for that.
    So here i go, Listen try reading "How to stop Worrying and Start Living" by Dale Carnegie, it will help you to conquer worry and will boost your confidence, true that nofap community may motivate you and guide you but atlast you are the person who is the victim and unless you do something nothing will change. So give a read to the book and be prepared for anything, two situations might come either the problem gets solved in the coming days or it gets worsed. But you should start preparing yourself for both, try motivating yourself, invest your time in reading and slowly act whatever is mentioned in the book, you will learn a lot of things and again the same person has written " how to win friends and influence people" by dale carnegie , some of you might laugh at me, that all i am suggesting is a book to read, but in these type of situations persons are worried, and lot of thins are happening, you have to calm your mind, think twice and take a step, so that the situation is in your favour. also no one is perfect in dealing with people, there are some set of ways , where you have to appreciate the person, talk about their problems, ask them questions, know that person, also in this world everyone thinks that they are important, for you, you yourself are important for her, herself, so start knowing her more, start talking about her, her family, kids. in simple words this pmo is different issue in this situation although it has affected your relationship, but i firmly believe that you will abstain from doing it. now we know that you have abstained we need to focus at improving the relationship, so try whatever it takes, although my views might be wrong. But whatever has happened might not totally be due to addiction to pmo, but other things, see there is something which might have been ignored by you, which she as a wife expected from you. So Sir , all the best ad please do give read to the book i mentioned. And i pray to God that you overcome all this problems and start living a happy life very soon.
     
  10. Toomuchh

    Toomuchh Fapstronaut

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    Words are cheap. Hearing sorry from someone who has lied multiple times to their face isn't gonna mean Jack shit.

    You are going to have work hard to regain her trust. You're gonna have to make sure you are listening to what she is saying and remember what she says. Every time she says something you forget is gonna be another reason she won't trust you. Show her you are working hard and show her she is important to you. The best way is to understand what she cares about, and for you to share that with her.

    What I want to know is, how are the kids in this situation. Are you taking care of them? Is she taking care of them? Is the burden of responsibility being unfairly distributed to one parent. How was it before ? Honestly I think you should get your head out of your ass and feeling shitty about your marriage and addiction. You have kids, you don't have time to feel bad about yourself. They are gonna be teenagers soon and that's gonna bring a lot of.work and attention. You guys need to figure this shit out for your kids. The example you guys are setting is just as bad as getting a divorce if not worse. I know this is brutal but you have to acknowledge the bad hand you are dealt and deal with it as best you can.

    Talk to your wife about just divorcing. It's not healthy for the kids to grow up in that kind of environment. Seek professional help. The fact you guys say you are staying together for the kids disgust me. Those kids are gonna be burdened by the knowledge their mother is trapped in an unhappy and unhealthy relationship because of them. If you guys both love your children as a priority, you will work to figure how to create a loving family environment for them to grow up in. If you can't , divorce and save everyone the pain. Be an adult, be a parent. Go have those hard talks. You both are setting an example for your kids right now. Do you want to show them to be strong in the face of adversity. Here is your chance. If your wife can't agree to it. You have to consider she isn't healthy for your kids. Seriously go talk to a professional. You need to take action for your children now. You need to know if it's possible to work through this, if she is willing to try. And if she is, you have to know if both of you can trust each other enough to help each other.

    Sorry if this is harsh, but I don't want to lie to you. It's not just your life anymore when you have kids. You owe it to them to be overcome the challenges in your life. It's the best for all of you. If you can't be her husband. Atleast be the dad they can be proud of.
     
    Deleted Account likes this.
  11. ParvusSapentia

    ParvusSapentia Fapstronaut

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    You raise many good points, think you may not quite understand whaty home life is like.

    Tonight my wife told me if I killed myself that it would solve her problems - and my 9 year old son heard it.

    So yeah I'm trying not to listen to the crap she slings anymore. I've apologized enough for one lifetime. I'll live my apology by continuing my quest for self improvement and will demonstrate to my children that it's possible to be strong in the face of horrendous treatment which they are unfortunately bearing witness to.

    Today is actually day 90 hard mode. Makes no difference to my wife, means quite a lot to me and some here.
     
    Bokuto, nelloJ and Ulysses_ like this.
  12. Chudmeister

    Chudmeister Fapstronaut

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    You are so right, my wife was pissed and didn't speak to me for a week and a half, but the minute I showed that I'm doing what I need to she gave in, but she also knows that I can do it without her too but with her would be fantastic. The moment I started to focus on me and not what could happen things got better. I was prepared for divorce. But you have to do it for yourself and not play the victim.
     
  13. Toomuchh

    Toomuchh Fapstronaut

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    Congrats on 90 days. Sounds like your wife is a bitch And exposing your kids to some toxic environment. I hope you guys works something out for the mental health of your children. Keep going I think you're on the right track.
     
  14. daveplaysguitar90

    daveplaysguitar90 Fapstronaut

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    Sorry man, first of all to hear what you're going through and that I don't really have time to read through the whole thread to see if this question has been asked already. Has marriage counseling happened yet? It may be helpful to get another pair of ears involved in a confidential environment. It sounds like she has some things to talk through as well if she's so against forgiveness in spite of your efforts to change that she's considering ending her marriage. Porn addiction is real, basically being considered as "the new drug." A professional can explain that to her better than a husband caught in the act or her lady friends that don't know. Not to mention, it could be something to show her that you're trying and will do anything to save this. I'm sure it's hurting and you're tired of listening to her insults like that, but she's been hurting too and talking through it with a marriage counselor may be the path to redemption for both of you. Really hope (and pray) for the best!
     
    Hanging by a thread likes this.
  15. Robert Frost

    Robert Frost New Fapstronaut

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    I can appreciate this, we were like that for a decade... I ended up having two affairs. Then she wanted to work on it but it seems to be back as it was. I was thinking of ending my life but I can't do that to our children. I'm so very depressed and lonely. I want to be wanted.... ugh. Its killing me slowly a day at a time...
     
  16. ParvusSapentia

    ParvusSapentia Fapstronaut

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    Sorry to hear that! I'm right there with you, kids are the reason I haven't ended things or just walked away.

    I'm struggling to keep from crying but I am going to work and exercising every day... and have not crawled into a bottle.

    Hit me up anytime. Sharing pain doesn't take it away but might help.
     
    nelloJ likes this.
  17. Hanging by a thread

    Hanging by a thread Fapstronaut

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    Congrats on 90 days! Keep chugging along and blocking out the "noise and negativity" from anyone and everyone. Misery loves company.
    Only you know your goal, you can follow the misguided, mislead, misunderstood or you can pave your own way to success. Each person's journey and struggle is different. There's only one definite, you definitely will not conquer by staying in the same mindset, blame, anger, crying over spilled milk, victimizing yourself... that's what the misled, resentful wife is doing because she refuses to face the bigger picture, which is this is not just about her, it's about her kids too and she too bares faults. Maybe some time will wake her up, as it did you. Let her act out in her own grieving way, right or wrong, its the choice she is making and you can not change or control. Carry on, today is a new day and it will be what you make of it!
     
    ParvusSapentia likes this.
  18. This thread is truly heartbreaking :emoji_cry: I mean it when I say my heart breaks for you @ParvusSapentia and your family.

    I have heard of women who get back at their husbands for having a PA by having sex with men, so it wouldn't surprise me if your wife did the same. And tbh I wouldn't blame her.

    Reading this thread has confirmed to me yet again my decision to not date until I've completely rebooted is the right one. I think it's utter foolishness to tell someone getting a girl will stop a porn addiction. Us single fapstronauts should not thinking about or consider dating until we're totally free! At times I think about dating but such thoughts need to stop! Porn can turn a sweet woman into a nasty bitch. I need to stop this relapsing - so many times I have these ridiculous excuses for my relapsing but this needs to stop!

    Anyway @ParvusSapentia while I'm not married I've heard of couples getting through this. I don't know if you've heard of Jonathan Draughty, he's the founder and director of an organisation that helps men overcome sex addiction and also offers support to wives of sex addicts. His story is a bit like yours but worse. He was addicted to porn, having affairs and seeing prostitutes. Eventually his wife found out and she forgave him at first but he didn't change. One day he came home from seeing another women and she had her bags packed and the kids in the car. She left him and moved back to her parents house and didn't want anything to do with him. Jonathan felt like killing himself when she left him, but her leaving him caused to turn his life around because he knew he either turned his life around or killed himself. After sometime him and his wife had couples counselling and after 7 months she moved back in with him. Upon moving back in she began seeing how he had changed - his words were actions matched his words. So be encouraged there is hope. You can watch their story in the video below.



    One the other hand I know of men who's wives have not only left them, they have also stopped them from seeing their kids. Don't mean to be negative but the reality is some relationships don't survive this.

    What I'll end with is a quote from Shraddha Shankar. I don't know if you know of Shraddha but she tried to commit suicide 13 times and in her TEDx Talk she talked about how she stopped this destructive behaviour. She ended her talk with these words:
    "Never think that where you are that things can't get any worse because trust me things can get worse, things can get so much worse but things can also get so much better".
     
  19. ParvusSapentia

    ParvusSapentia Fapstronaut

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    I've met with a lawyer and was given the following options:1) deal with the status quo and try to improve the home environment and encourage my wife to find work that will support her, and spend a few years paying off debt or 2) declare bankruptcy, file for divorce, sell my house, and put my kids at the poverty line or 3) just move out, stop seeing my kids on a daily basis and begin the separation process.

    There isn't a choice here. I'm willing to deal with anything personal pain to make sure my kids have an active father, succeed and stay in this incredible school system. If it was just my wife I would walk away today but those kids need me in their life.

    I'm still trying to get my wife to agree to counseling. She is a jerk and unstable, but I am responsible for a significant portion of the damage in my life. I have to pay for my poor choice in a life partner, as well as my choice to "check out" for a long time through porn, booze and pot.
     
  20. Toomuchh

    Toomuchh Fapstronaut

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    You are a fucking amazing example of a good human being.

    I can't describe the amount of respect I have for you. I have faith you will pull through this adversity and am at awe at the amount of character you have to do what is right.

    Keep going and never look back. Your story will be an amazing one that's for sure.
     

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