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Well, it’s not been too great to be honest. What was meant to be one day skipped ended up being three months. The months prior to when I stopped posting were flat. Even now really. I’m dead inside. I don’t feel anything. I’ve fallen back into a pattern of porn all over again
I had to quit living a lie so I quit posting on here. It became a chore. My heart wasn’t in it. I’d post something, then five minutes later start looking up porn.
Why is it so paradoxically difficult!? All I want is to be in a relationship with a woman: to learn about her, to laugh with her, to just be with her. Then why do I keep going back to porn?!
And here’s another kicker, I genuinely have a heart for the women in the sex industry. Heck, I had a semester long project in one of my classes in college about how I could make a business with the goal of rescuing girls and young women from sex trafficking in Russia!
If giving up every one of my goals and everything I have would save even one of those girls trapped in the porn industry I would do it in a heartbeat, but I sit here gaining pleasure from their suffering. It’s disgusting! I hate it, but I don’t know what to do.
Well, the obvious response would be to quit looking at porn. And while I agree, I just don’t know what to do after that. What do you do when you reach day 50, 70, 100..? Sure, you may feel better. Your head may be a little higher. But —
You know what? Forget what I was saying. I need to stop thinking that being porn free is going to open up new worlds in a glorious revelation or something. I need to ground myself in reality. Being rid of porn is simply that. There are some benefits but it’s not like I’m gaining some magical satisfaction in life now. I’m simply not waisting my life on things that will definitely not satisfy
I’m sorry to be writing a ton of incredibly long posts as a response to you instead of putting it in my journal. Oh well.
Thank you for caring enough to reach out to me. It means more than you could know. I’m back in this fight and ready to live in a way that respects myself and the amazing women like you that deserve nothing less.
Hey, it's ok I can understand where you're coming from. Indeed, I believe giving up P isn't some magical solution to all our problems. I've seen this often on here, people with long streaks who are still not happy. Giving up P needs to be alongside improving other areas in our life, and people sometimes focus too much on just nofap.. and then as a result go back to it because nothing changed for the better.
I don't have the answers but you gave some solid reasons for avoiding it regardless. The way I look at it, whilst giving up P won't solve all our problems, watching P certainly won't help with any of them.. Anyway nice to hear from you, wish you well!
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