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I didn't want to do it...cause...I felt like..I am supposed to be that strong person who is always happy and motivated...and the one who should spread good vibes only...but..I am not...I have my own problems and my own bad days and my own insecurities.....
And for me...when i want to get past through sth, I always write about it in my diary but...this time I couldn't even write...
I couldn't write because I couldn't accept that sth was wrong.....
And now...I am here...writing and trying to find words to describe how i feel....so maybe...I can finally heal and get past it.
I was reading my old diary last night and then it just occured me that i was keeping grudge of some people....and i just remembered some old memories that hurt alot...and also realized how deeply your childhood can affect ur future experiences...and just now...and today i understood abt it....
My childhood...it was not a very nice experience.
I was most of the times sick and needed to take several pills and use different inhalers to be able to breath.
I was not able to run and play much with kids cause i would get trouble breathing....
And other kids bullied me for that...
and i was always center of attention for adults...cause they felt that they should keep their eyes on me 24/7 and take care of me.....so i think that's why now as an adult i don't like to be in the spotlight...
Sth that i remember is ....that my so called friends at kindergarten and later in school used to ignore me easily as soon as they found someone new who was better than me and they easily threw me out in the trash....
And i remember that when i got high scores and they didn't, they wouldn't talk to me for days...or if i was chosen as the top student... the next day my bench was given to someone else and they didn't let me sit with them....
And i was always like...it's ok...i can understand them...they are going through sth bad probably and when they were hurt by their new friends or anything else and they came back to me...i always welcomed them with open arms and i would say it's ok....we're friends...
And among my relatives...those kids who were like 2-3 years older than me didn't let me be in their group because i was younger and they didn't let me be with them or play with them or get into their room....
i remember once in a relative gathering event where all the adults were busy talking and having fun and the children were in a room...i was sitting on stairs because the host's child didn't let me in her room cause i was younger than them.....
So...it was always like i was not good enough to be accepted by others....
Back then...i didn't know that those memories could affect me...but they did...
They shaped my personality....and wrecked my confidence and my self respect....
I always felt like i was hard to love...and that i am too young to understand things...and that i am not worth it....
I saw the good in those people and friends...I always remembered the rare good times we shared together and didn't look at the bad times and hard times they gave me....
I forgave them and tried to forget their actions....but i got broken by the same hands again and again....
And i never wanted to think abt those memories because i didn't want to cry over past incidents and i didn't think that they were important....but...today i felt like i really needed to sit down and think abt them and cry as much as i can and get hurt more and more till the point they couldn't hurt me anymore....
All these years I've been trying to do my best just to show those people who I am and what i am capable of....but today...i am happy that i can finally set them free and start living my life to the fullest and for myself cause i deserve it.....
Today, I forgive them not because they deserve it but because i deserve peace of mind....
Today, I still understand some of the bad actions and words of my beloved ones cause i know what they are probably going through but I don't let those things hurt me or be a roadblock in my way...
Today, If someone wants to argue with me over things that i cannot change or do sth abt(atleast now) such as politics, religion and stuff...I simply say you are right...because i know i do not have enough knowledge about those things and i also know that they don't want to hear my opinion...they only want their opinions to be accepted by me and that's what I give them....
Today I am strong cause when I have to choose between sth that is right and someone/sth that I love...I can easily choose what I love and not argue with those I love over things that I think are right......
I now understand what the term " unconditional love" mean...it means give and give and never ever ever expect to recieve anything in return.....that way alot of your life's problems will be solved...
And most importantly....
I am now healthy and in love with myself and am able to accept myself in the way i am....and probably...that is my biggest accomplishment yet and i am happy for that:)
When I was a kid, I used to get zoned by my cousin a lot. They just liked to bully me and I sort got crushed because of it. But now, I'm still holding grudges for some reason. Always holding doubts. I just can't forget. I've already tried to forgive them but I just can't.
That was a little while ago,which I overcame my social anxiety. I've broken these walls that contained me. Yet, I still remember. Sorry to hear about what you went through. I'm glad to know you're in a better place now.
I'm sorry for all the bad memories from childhood. Most of can write a similar story. Worst part is that life is happening no matter what. It won't stop. So you find yourself as an adult not complity ready and there are expectations from others. But when you are adult you have to stop to think abouth the past and start making your own story. I'm glad that you are starting one. Be brave!
@TheStranger I just have come to the point that I've realized keeping grudge won't help me at all cause it cannot hurt them...it only hurts me...
I hope someday you can also leave it all behind and forget abt them:)
And i think i just need to thank all of you here for your supports esp
Dear @Deshtak@luluuu@Halpherisdusfrey thanks for your time and efforts to make me feel better when i was on my worst....
I will be forever thanksful:)
Of course I read it all.
I am sorry for everything you passed. But most important, I am sorry that you felt like you shouldn't have shared this with us. Or with anyone that you care for. I tried myself to be the strongest, the example. The hero.
But we're stronger when we are together. The burden we all must carry from our childhood, is lighter if you share it with others that will help you carrying it :).
Your mind is quiet well shaped for your age, and maybe it is the hard childhood that made you so strong.
Maybe the spotlight is not the thing that you love, but the place that your talent deserve.
Because it is in the end what I am really sad to read.
World has convinced you that to be strong you should act like nothing bothers you, and if there's something wrong you should ignore it.
We will love you, no matter what. And if something bothers you, tell us. As long as we will be able to, we will answer. Becuase that's what friends do. They do not judge weaknesses. They help to accept them :)
We might be millions of miles away, born in total different environments and yet we share the same childhood problems and addiction. I'm glad to be at your side when it really counts.
I came up with couple of questions too... for finding peace within... because of my actions in past...How can I reduce the mental sufferings caused by memories of the past?
Whom should I apologize to and ask for foregiveness? I think sorting out some of the open issues of the past will bring peace within. I am yet to think about the specific answer of these questions. I am definitely going to do this.
WOW. My childhood was similar to yours. I grew up looking 'different' to most kids. Unfortunately i hit puberty very early (I think i was 6 years). Because of it, I started getting facial hair and a monobrow as early as 8.
I was severely bullied because of this, at times even physically abused. This continued throughout my primary school and early high school years. It was because of this that led me to PMO and being somewhat of an introvert. I understand your pain sister!!!!!
@LongWayToGo I've realized that I might not have all the answers always to do sth that i know i should do...sometimes questioning yourself too much is not good and becomes a roadblock in your way and stops you from moving forward to your destination...
@LongWayToGo think the first person you should apoligize to is yourself...
If forgiving others is hard,forgiving oneself is harder....
Anyways...i hope you can find your answers soon but if you didn't, just make sure that you do the right thing...do not be dependent on the answers cause we can never know everything i guess....
I actually stopped writing on my diary now for a few years now becuz it actually makes you sad when you read you’re old stuffs and all the bad memories start consuming you all again,I tore all my pages too of my diary, now it’s just in my wardrobe sitting with torn pages, better that way. @Narcissa this feeling triggered u because of you’re dairy right?
@Shadow™輝ツ No...those feelings and memories were always there...living rent free in my mind because I've never actually took time to care about them and heal myself...
For me,Writing is a way of healing....and it's just my way to understand things...accept them and then,leave them all behind and move forward.
Ngl , i was sorry to hear all the things that happened to you, i also had an encounter. With my classmate he considered himself as the boss and tried to shaped everyones opinion as his, the thing is there was a time where me and him had some dispute
The thing was because of it, i used to think like the WHOLE DAY about him and about our quarrel and beating him, the lesson at last we had a fight and then COVID thingy happened and we never saw each others face.
The thing that i learned is, i was doung more harm to me rather than him
Due to overthinking, and the thing is afterwards whatever happened you shall be due to a reason, it was in my case was to learn, overthinking BAD or in general wasnt good it wasted my time and ALOT energy, and i feel i started to cherish that thing!
Dayum, sorry fr the grammatical errors, autocorrect is shitting :(, BTW you came a long way @Narcissa , To achieve 240 isnt a joke, You have improve and that is GREAT !!
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