phoenix777

2 years ago I was diagnosed with bipolar and have strong sexual compulsions. My dad wasn’t a good roll model when it came to relationships and I suppose I never had a great example of a healthy love life. I’ve been debating nofap sparsely for the last two years. I suppose I’ve just made this account so I’m some ways this is the most serious I’ve ever been. My recent streak count was six or seven. Before that I think two days was the maximum but this has only been in the last two months. Before that it was everyday so I’m counting the small steps and staying incredibly proud of myself for every little bit of progress. I started looking at porn in maybe fourth grade I think. I was always intrigued by it but that was probably from poor age inappropriate conversations my dad didn’t know how to filter out with his kids from his own mental illness. Fortunately I’m nothing like him which also makes me proud of myself.


I was in rehab for a heavy reliance of weed which ended up in getting in a mental hospital after sting psychosis hit. Not a great experience in there. My therapist said it was likely traumatizing which I don’t think I like to admit because I guess I’ve always thought that it was a weakness to have trauma but I suppose she’s right.


Porn has slowly ruined my relationships worse and worse as the years have gone on. I should accept that it wasn’t the porn and very much me but without a doubt porn heavily has had an influence on how I view life. Some of the past has haunted me, which I suppose is a extreme word, not for anything bad, but more compulsive sexual tendencies that always have hurt relationships because I’ve never been able to be content and haven’t been able to accept one person, who although I may have loved, was enough sexually.


I notice that I get anxious all the time. Apparently it’s not necessary my bipolar that effects me significantly anymore but rather anxiety. I suppose bipolar wise I would like to proudly assert that perhaps I’m high functioning yet despite this anxiety and brain fog always makes me constantly question my sanity. Self consciousness and feelings that people might be able to realize I went through such a hard time make it hard for me to stop worrying about what other people think.


I recently have gotten a new therapist outside of the addiction program I’m “graduating” from. I chose one that also is trained in sex therapy and after quitting weed and nicotine, with a relaxed approach which eases mental stress in comparison to the traditional model, this porn addiction feels perhaps as addicting in a different way.


I used to be one of those people who pushed myself to the limits through sports but that confidence has been lost when the mental illness first started kicking in. Medication is a life saver. I always think that if it was illegal it would probably be “abused” to, but fortunately it doesn’t seem to have many side effects.


My old medication made me gain weight quickly and so I have really bad stretch marks on my upper thighs making me insanely self conscious and almost putting a complete mental block on my willingness to open up enough to be sexual with a potential partner. This is exponentially more stressful than I might have made this seem but seriously it kills me. I need to find a dermatologist but my last one said there’s nothing I could do so there’s been a feeling of helplessness around the whole thing.


Anyway, I’m more committed to nofap then before. I’m on the third day at the moment. I remember this being a depressing one. I only got five hours of sleep last night because I woke up early, no doubt because of anxiety and nerves. Seriously I think I might be worrying all the time with out admitting it to myself. I notice despite my nerves and anxiety going up, I also become more removed from myself like before. It reminds me of the fucked up position I put myself with when I over used weed and completely disassociated. I know I’ll have to go back in progress a little and fight through the reboot. I know I can do it. There’s not a single addiction that can take me down however deeply parts of my life have been characterized by what was sexually taking place in my life at that time.


I suppose I miss that feeling of being slowed down and I worry I won’t be able to get back to that again with my new mental head. I hear nofap can help re-wire the frontal lobe, calibrating thought more and decreasing anxiety or the constant need for dopamine. I’m not fucking with you when it seriously sounds too good to be true. Then again I feel “blessed” to have made a life for myself after the place I was in. Seriously didn’t think I’d make it here so there’s been enough to live for and I have to give myself credit for assisting myself in making this life that I have, but the residual effects I want to have sorted. Again I know I’ll be able to but it does feel like people promise to much, yet I know any small changes in my brain make a huge effect due to how sensitive I am to things on a chemical mental level.


My voice is already deeper. It’s a mind fuck but I love the reaction people have when I speak on day three. I’ve become relatively defensive and stand off-ish mostly because I’m quick to put walls up still. I hope those are able to be taken down as I start worrying less about what other people think. I used to be very social and always friendly regardless but bipolar made me impatient and time is slowing as I become more in my body and connected to myself.


Since my memory has coming back (I lost a lot of memories of my childhood when psychosis hit) stuff I hadn’t remembered is coming back and I seem to be growing in a completely new self aware way. Other people my age seem to be immature sometimes, yet I hate to pass that judgement. I’m trying to escape this feeling with success hoping I’ll meet more people who I can relate to more but I know my focus and ability to work and motivation take heavy hits as I fluctuate with commitment to nofap and this is unavoidable to progress into one day a healthy marriage with someone I truly love and will be able to understand deeper.


Leading me to now. Day three. Incredibly skeptical while wanting it all to be right. Low on sleep making this a lot more tricky because I don’t have the mental bandwidth to work, and I’m quarantine for the next five months my myself during this online semester in college at DC. This is mostly for myself because I’m reluctant to support from groups, but meeting other bipolar people in group therapy changed my hope to the point I was able to slowly regain my life back to now. I suppose I’m hoping that will be the case with this community. Everybody seems to understand and I think my appreciation that I’m able to grow up in a time were there’s this amount of incredibly mentally resilient people in one space seems almost unreal.


Wishing myself and everyone all the best on this new phase of life looking forward not backward,


- Phoenix777