“Every Cloud Has A Silver Lining...”

[I am an illusion]

Not long ago, I was the perfect daughter, perfect sister and the perfect student. My parents used to be proud to have me as their daughter. My sister bragged to her friends about the many trophies and medals that I received in the annual competitions. My school had my portrait in the hallway as I was the only student from the graduating class to get accepted at one of the best high schools in America. About a year ago, I discovered pornography and became addicted to it gradually. In the beginning, everything was normal and I didn’t think I had an addiction. But when I couldn’t just get my mind off it and I started having the side effects in my life, I knew I need help. I am only fourteen and it’s only been a year, but I can’t go on like this anymore. My grades dropped to as low as 20s and 30s, when I was a student that never had less than a 95. I am at a point where I might even get kicked out of the school because it’s the top high school in the city and a student like me whose grades are as low as this can’t survive there. But I was not always like this and I know I have the ability to get through all of those, but nothing seems to work out. I am totally hopeless at this point. My head hurts and I feel ashamed of myself all time. I stay within the four walls of my room 24/7 and get angry at people for no reason. My relationships with my family and friends are falling apart. My parents even got a call from the school about my poor performance. It’s not only my grades and school life, it seems like all aspects of my life are breaking down gradually. I am really scared that something might be wrong with me psychologically. Please help, I am desperate...

 

[Shamgar]

Was 13 too when I accidentally got in touch with porn.
29y later still suffering from dreadful consequences.
You are so young and rebbooting will be very soon succesful.
Wish you all the best.

 

[TheProcedure]

Welcome to the site ! Your story is relatable. I encourage you to stay engaged with this community, ease some of the external and internal pressure on you a bit and take things one day at a time. Lately, i've just been giving my word that I'll make it to tomorrow without pmo, if i relapse, i have to wait till i make it another day. Might not work for everybody, but i'm learning that word is bond and if i make smaller commitments to take things day by day, i might not be so overwhelmed by the big goal of being porn free for life. Stay strong I am an illusion and welcome again

 

[Shamgar]

You wrote that you are scared that something is wrong with you psychologically.
Iknow it feels dramatic. however be aware that most adults have their issues too, even so it often doesn't look so on outside.
We are all kind of crazy in one way or the other.
You are in a emotional special intense age. No need to worry about emotional rollercoaster.

Time will heal.

 

[Deleted Account]

Not long ago, I was the perfect daughter, perfect sister and the perfect student. My parents used to be proud to have me as their daughter. My sister bragged to her friends about the many trophies and medals that I received in the annual competitions. My school had my portrait in the hallway as I was the only student from the graduating class to get accepted at one of the best high schools in America. About a year ago, I discovered pornography and became addicted to it gradually. In the beginning, everything was normal and I didn’t think I had an addiction. But when I couldn’t just get my mind off it and I started having the side effects in my life, I knew I need help. I am only fourteen and it’s only been a year, but I can’t go on like this anymore. My grades dropped to as low as 20s and 30s, when I was a student that never had less than a 95. I am at a point where I might even get kicked out of the school because it’s the top high school in the city and a student like me whose grades are as low as this can’t survive there. But I was not always like this and I know I have the ability to get through all of those, but nothing seems to work out. I am totally hopeless at this point. My head hurts and I feel ashamed of myself all time. I stay within the four walls of my room 24/7 and get angry at people for no reason. My relationships with my family and friends are falling apart. My parents even got a call from the school about my poor performance. It’s not only my grades and school life, it seems like all aspects of my life are breaking down gradually. I am really scared that something might be wrong with me psychologically. Please help, I am desperate...

Hi. Welcome to forum!

Make sure you create a personal journal thread in Reboot Logs section and blog there on a regular basis. As well as just generally be active participant in various forum discussions. I recommend this to everybody new here because it's the major thing that helped me when I was first starting. Just lurking on forums, reading and learning is great. But it usually is so much more powerful to engage. It helps to keep us motivated and accountable when we are active part of community. And keeps this in front of our minds so we don't forget about importance of it and slip away in our old habits. Sharing is also therapeutic. This is a major reason why AA meetings work so good. But that was developed before internet era. These days we can get most of the same benefits online through communities like this. So don't underestimate the power of active participation.

I would also like to suggest you to look into mindfulness meditation. It has helped me personally tremendously to learn how to deal with urges and triggers. It takes a while to get good at it and notice results, so you need to be consistent with it, but once you do it's very powerful. It has been used by sages for thousands of years to deal with various issues of the mind. And in recent decades the science is also catching up to what ancient sages have know for centuries. Meditation these days are widely used as very effective tool by psychologists for treating addiction and by neurologists for supporting recovery of the brain after physical injury. Plus it is generally a great exercise for the brain the same way as jogging is great exercise for the body.

You gotta make sure it is proper mindfulness meditation though. "Mindfulness" meditation where we just focus on breath is more like a concentration meditation instead. It works too but differently and not as powerfully in my experience. Real mindfulness meditation however trains you to accept your urges by understanding the nature of them by observing them, not just suppress them by concentrating on something else instead. It makes you comfortable with them. And once you accept and become comfortable with them there is no need to get rid of them, so there is no need to PMO. Only reason why we PMO is because that urge, that itch in our crotch is uncomfortable, we wanna get rid of it. And then after PMO we have our release. Or we simply want pleasure. And inability to have that pleasure makes us uncomfortable. But if we accept that we can not have pleasure then resistance is gone and there is no reason to PMO.

Acceptance and mindfulness is the key. Check out this Ted talk on acceptance and mindfulness practice, it gives a good idea of what's it's about when it comes to philosophy. The mindfulness practice as described by psychologist in a the video can be used by itself but ideally should be used as supplementation to your daily sitting meditation. Sitting meditation I personally practice and recommend to people is as explained by meditation expert in this YouTube playlist. If you don't like the monk or want other method there is this awesome smartphone app called Headspace for guided meditations.

Wish you lot's of strength and success in your reboot journey!