✊6 Years Without PMO - Here's What Worked For Me!✊

DAY 22

Okay soo..

I feel so off

And this is allowed cuz it’s from the insomnia withdrawal

My mental state is just screwed up

But within another 2 weeks it’ll be alright

I just have to bear this for 2 weeks or less

Work was dry today

I really don’t have much to say

Geez

This is painful

Laterz

I’m so depressed so so depressed

My mood just sucks this week

I started this week with such a poor mood

I’ve had suicidal ideation wtf

If I understand what’s happening I’ll say there’s no more pain killer or relieve

Just me and my pains from the past

Sitting with me

Plus the standard withdrawals from giving up P

How do I cope with this withdrawals

I didn’t read today or yesterday

Cuz I was checking out and learning about addiction and childhood trauma

Even when I know I have brain fog and poor focus, ADHD and shit

So I’m doing the right thing at the fucking wrong time

The first step is and should be stopping this addiction right?

How to stop it is to read the books and use willpower

The work I do gives endorphins

It’s now or never

No antidepressants no crap

But shit how do I stop this painful withdrawals or at least minimize it

Fuck!
 
Indiginy said:
I’m afraid of exercising “sobs”
My heart start racing after I exercise
Like an mini panic attack
I tremble and get shaky
Click to expand...
You can start taking walks… and then slowly build up… it sounds like your body is not in good health overall… …

It’s no wonder you feel depressed and unhappy…
The body and mind are connected… if your body is in bad shape, your mind will be too…
 
EscapingPMO said:
You can start taking walks… and then slowly build up… it sounds like your body is not in good health overall… …

It’s no wonder you feel depressed and unhappy…
The body and mind are connected… if your body is in bad shape, your mind will be too…
Click to expand...
Well it’s a long story “sobs”
I wish I had time to take walks
My schedule so tight with work and I only have 1 free time a week
Although this withdrawal just came up
I was fine last week
But this week went haywire
That’s why I’m desperate to try reducing this pain it’s so bad it affects my work
I wish I wasn’t even working
Some days I think of stabbing work that’s how bad it is
 
Hey brother @JJackson


I just have a question..


I just want to ask you, since cutting out the pain reliever means facing the trauma
How do I cope with this trauma and when does the trauma start resurfacing?

is it after withdrawal symptoms or at the same time as withdrawal
Should I be concerned about something huge afterwards ?
I can’t afford therapy so I plan on using Gabor mates work and some of those other guys you mentioned but it’s almost impossible to focus with this addiction in the way
I figure I should completely reboot first right?
So I can start this trauma journey

my depression actually got worse since quitting.
How did you minimize the pain of debilitating withdrawals at least till you have enough mental ground to resolve the trauma that got you started with addiction in the first place ?

Would it help if I keep reading books since exercising is impossible
I need a bit of mental ground if I want to start this trauma recovery journey


I’m currently on day 23 and I had a minor suicidal ideation 2 days ago is this part of withdrawals from nofap..?
I’m just doing nofap out of hope from other people’s stories
But when I got to day 45 last year I still felt depressed but it was way less than before but although on some days it’s worse like a seesaw
My memory of that streak has been completely erased that’s why I don’t even know what to expect even though I’ve relived this exact streak before
Is this how it’ll be till I reboot
This seesaw feeling of slightly good to suicidal
Would it really go if I reach day 100?
What should I do ?
Could you tell me exactly what you did so I can replicate
You’re the only one I know that also has CPTSD and I don’t know if your parents are also narcissists personality but mine are and it’s hard just living in this world with them
Pardon me for the spontaneity
I’ll be anticipating your response when you’re less busy
 
Indiginy said:
Hey brother @JJackson


I just have a question..


I just want to ask you, since cutting out the pain reliever means facing the trauma
How do I cope with this trauma and when does the trauma start resurfacing?

is it after withdrawal symptoms or at the same time as withdrawal
Should I be concerned about something huge afterwards ?
I can’t afford therapy so I plan on using Gabor mates work and some of those other guys you mentioned but it’s almost impossible to focus with this addiction in the way
I figure I should completely reboot first right?
So I can start this trauma journey

my depression actually got worse since quitting.
How did you minimize the pain of debilitating withdrawals at least till you have enough mental ground to resolve the trauma that got you started with addiction in the first place ?

Would it help if I keep reading books since exercising is impossible
I need a bit of mental ground if I want to start this trauma recovery journey


I’m currently on day 23 and I had a minor suicidal ideation 2 days ago is this part of withdrawals from nofap..?
I’m just doing nofap out of hope from other people’s stories
But when I got to day 45 last year I still felt depressed but it was way less than before but although on some days it’s worse like a seesaw
My memory of that streak has been completely erased that’s why I don’t even know what to expect even though I’ve relived this exact streak before
Is this how it’ll be till I reboot
This seesaw feeling of slightly good to suicidal
Would it really go if I reach day 100?
What should I do ?
Could you tell me exactly what you did so I can replicate
You’re the only one I know that also has CPTSD and I don’t know if your parents are also narcissists personality but mine are and it’s hard just living in this world with them
Pardon me for the spontaneity
I’ll be anticipating your response when you’re less busy
Click to expand...
I stopped counting days like I mentioned, so I had progressive improvement as a foundation before I fully stopped. The withdrawals became less severe simply from making *some* progress. They were still not great by the time I fully stopped but not as bad as prior. Don't stress yourself out with "day 23" or stuff like that. The day you started to fight back is day 1. Relapses don't send you to day 1. There's no need to add unnecessary stress from the counting idea. Be patient with yourself rather than treating a relapse like the end of the world. All of that strees drains energy.


Meditation is something easy to fit into your schedule to build a good foundation to help with withdrawals. Get the 'healthy minds program' app and try to find 10 minutes every day where you can sit and use it. Again, you have to allow the progress to take a bit of time. Nothing's going to fix stuff in an instant. Just try to stay consistent and you'll slowly be making progress that makes a big difference in the long run. Same with reading through Gabor's work. It obviously takes time to read and process. Peter Levine's work would also help you. He has some techniques that help with strong emotions coming up. Also try looking into TRE, trauma releasing exercises. It's not literally exercise in the way you're thinking so you can probably do it. The C-ptsd book also has stuff that'll help you.



Your depression got worse after stopping but that's actually a good thing. That's a sign of progress. It's your brain rewiring and adjusting to not having the "drug" it's used to having. Being mindful of how a bad thing like depression is actually a good thing is helpful. That's the meta cognition thing I wrote in the original post. Being conscious of your thoughts and thinking critically about them. Seeing your depression as a bad or good thing is a great example. Obviously it's not fun to feel that way but your brain missed the positive in it. Seeing that positive can really take a lot of pressure off. The mediation app will teach you more about that type of stuff as you go through it.

You can handle both the trauma and addiction at the same time, but don't be too hard on yourself if you relapse occasionally. It's part of the process. Especially don't be hard on yourself when the progress is objectively huge. You probably used to relapse every day and now the gaps are much bigger. That's progress. Work on the depper issues at whatever rate is possible for you. If you're able to spend time with friends that can also help. Any support you're able to find, even if it's limited. Coming here and talking to people is good too. If you're really in need try texting a crisis chat service. Simply having someone to talk to can be helpful and those services are always available and free. They probably can't give too much advice but sometimes just being to tell them what you're struggling with takes the weight off.

For now just try meditation and looking into TRE and Peter Levine's work. Just search his name on YouTube and start there. You seem to struggle with the pain the comes up from not using a painkiller anymore so those things might help. If everything else fails and you're in an emergency, desperately trying to fight an urge, try putting your hands in a bucket of freezing cold water to snap yourself out of it.

Sorry this response has been all over the place, just jotting thoughts as they came to me. Overall just try to help yourself with the trauma related stuff first because that's what the pain you feel actually is. It's not all necessarily withdrawals, it's pain coming up that's been repressed. Keep PMO out of your life as much as you're able but don't stress it too much. Progress is progress. A relapse every few weeks is a massive improvement compared to everyday. Fighting the addiction on it's own wont fix your problems so that's why you have to not be too hard on yourself about it. Also as a random side note, if you drink caffine, reducing that can also help. That likely comes with it's own withdrawals for some people so lowering by small amounts might be the way to do it. See if that makes a difference over a few weeks. I drank it for years without even realizing it was giving me tons of anxiety.

Hope at least some of this helps you.
 
JJackson said:
I stopped counting days like I mentioned, so I had progressive improvement as a foundation before I fully stopped. The withdrawals became less severe simply from making *some* progress. They were still not great by the time I fully stopped but not as bad as prior. Don't stress yourself out with "day 23" or stuff like that. The day you started to fight back is day 1. Relapses don't send you to day 1. There's no need to add unnecessary stress from the counting idea. Be patient with yourself rather than treating a relapse like the end of the world. All of that strees drains energy.


Meditation is something easy to fit into your schedule to build a good foundation to help with withdrawals. Get the 'healthy minds program' app and try to find 10 minutes every day where you can sit and use it. Again, you have to allow the progress to take a bit of time. Nothing's going to fix stuff in an instant. Just try to stay consistent and you'll slowly be making progress that makes a big difference in the long run. Same with reading through Gabor's work. It obviously takes time to read and process. Peter Levine's work would also help you. He has some techniques that help with strong emotions coming up. Also try looking into TRE, trauma releasing exercises. It's not literally exercise in the way you're thinking so you can probably do it. The C-ptsd book also has stuff that'll help you.



Your depression got worse after stopping but that's actually a good thing. That's a sign of progress. It's your brain rewiring and adjusting to not having the "drug" it's used to having. Being mindful of how a bad thing like depression is actually a good thing is helpful. That's the meta cognition thing I wrote in the original post. Being conscious of your thoughts and thinking critically about them. Seeing your depression as a bad or good thing is a great example. Obviously it's not fun to feel that way but your brain missed the positive in it. Seeing that positive can really take a lot of pressure off. The mediation app will teach you more about that type of stuff as you go through it.

You can handle both the trauma and addiction at the same time, but don't be too hard on yourself if you relapse occasionally. It's part of the process. Especially don't be hard on yourself when the progress is objectively huge. You probably used to relapse every day and now the gaps are much bigger. That's progress. Work on the depper issues at whatever rate is possible for you. If you're able to spend time with friends that can also help. Any support you're able to find, even if it's limited. Coming here and talking to people is good too. If you're really in need try texting a crisis chat service. Simply having someone to talk to can be helpful and those services are always available and free. They probably can't give too much advice but sometimes just being to tell them what you're struggling with takes the weight off.

For now just try meditation and looking into TRE and Peter Levine's work. Just search his name on YouTube and start there. You seem to struggle with the pain the comes up from not using a painkiller anymore so those things might help. If everything else fails and you're in an emergency, desperately trying to fight an urge, try putting your hands in a bucket of freezing cold water to snap yourself out of it.

Sorry this response has been all over the place, just jotting thoughts as they came to me. Overall just try to help yourself with the trauma related stuff first because that's what the pain you feel actually is. It's not all necessarily withdrawals, it's pain coming up that's been repressed. Keep PMO out of your life as much as you're able but don't stress it too much. Progress is progress. A relapse every few weeks is a massive improvement compared to everyday. Fighting the addiction on it's own wont fix your problems so that's why you have to not be too hard on yourself about it. Also as a random side note, if you drink caffine, reducing that can also help. That likely comes with it's own withdrawals for some people so lowering by small amounts might be the way to do it. See if that makes a difference over a few weeks. I drank it for years without even realizing it was giving me tons of anxiety.

Hope at least some of this helps you.
Click to expand...
Wow brother this is so amazing
I’m glad you said it’s a good thing that my depression is getting worse
I was already losing my sanity
And I’ve been overwhelmed and overthinking too much cuz of my OCD
Also it helps that I shouldn’t stress over the days
It’s funny how my mind makes me forget all the progress Ive made in trying to overcome this addiction “sigh”
Oh and it’s totally fine your response is perfect
I feel at peace when I read to the end
Still plan on reading it again as well
I just feel so relieved
Thanks man
I’m so glad “hugs”
Sayonara
 
Indiginy said:
Wow brother this is so amazing
I’m glad you said it’s a good thing that my depression is getting worse
I was already losing my sanity
And I’ve been overwhelmed and overthinking too much cuz of my OCD
Also it helps that I shouldn’t stress over the days
It’s funny how my mind makes me forget all the progress Ive made in trying to overcome this addiction “sigh”
Oh and it’s totally fine your response is perfect
I feel at peace when I read to the end
Still plan on reading it again as well
I just feel so relieved
Thanks man
I’m so glad “hugs”
Sayonara
Click to expand...
Glad it helped! Feel free to hit me up if you have more questions or anything. Stay strong!
 
Indiginy said:
Well it’s a long story “sobs”
I wish I had time to take walks
My schedule so tight with work and I only have 1 free time a week
Although this withdrawal just came up
I was fine last week
But this week went haywire
That’s why I’m desperate to try reducing this pain it’s so bad it affects my work
I wish I wasn’t even working
Some days I think of stabbing work that’s how bad it is
Click to expand...
Are you able to cut back your hours of work? Or take a few months off?

I agree that work can suck man… it is stressful and takes up a lot of time and energy …

How many hours per week are you working?
 
EscapingPMO said:
Are you able to cut back your hours of work? Or take a few months off?

I agree that work can suck man… it is stressful and takes up a lot of time and energy …

How many hours per week are you working?
Click to expand...
Yes I agree too
It feels like I’m not living
I’ve not thought about that but I’ll try if I can process it
And I work 54 hours per week
 
I can’t take it man

The stress and toxic thoughts

As well as OCD is too much

I feel like I’m going to end up dead if I don’t relapse

I don’t know what’s wrong

But I’m changing the perspective of this journey

Maybe I’ll take therapy

Maybe I’m actually a narc

Cuz of my parents

I’m so lost and confused

I have to watch P

There’s no urge but I want to do it because I think I’ll feel better

What should I do

Should I relapse or that just asinine

Let me confide one last time

So I’ll know this relapse is my last resort

It’s heartbreaking but it’s like I have no other choice till I start therapy

I’m totally losing it no cap
 
@JJackson is God real
If I commit suicide would I go to hell
I can’t take this
My both parents are narcissist and it’s making go insane
And the worst fact is that they are religious
So they’ve put a lot of fear about God in me and my while growing up
Please how do I know that there is God
And how do i believe in the Bible after God did all those terrible things to people
Which God is the real God
I’m going insane
And I can’t commit suicide because of fear of going to hell
 
Indiginy said:
@JJackson is God real
If I commit suicide would I go to hell
I can’t take this
My both parents are narcissist and it’s making go insane
And the worst fact is that they are religious
So they’ve put a lot of fear about God in me and my while growing up
Please how do I know that there is God
And how do i believe in the Bible after God did all those terrible things to people
Which God is the real God
I’m going insane
And I can’t commit suicide because of fear of going to hell
Click to expand...
I can't tell you weather God is real or not. No one can. That's why it's called a belief.

Best I can give is an opinion. I personally do believe there's a God. I don't believe in a particular religion, I just believe there's something. I think it's possible that some stuff in various religions are right and other stuff is bs used to fill people with fear and control them. You're clearly a prime example of that part. I also used to deeply worry about the same stuff as you but I just sorta grew out of it. The contradictions in religion made me stop believing in it, specifically Christianity. The idea that there's a God that's harsh and cruel makes no sense when plenty of humans are kind and Loving. Hatred is mostly based on stupidity. Take undocumented immigrants for example. People hate them because "they take our jobs". But that's just an idiotic view. They don't "take" jobs. They get hired. The billionaires running companies choose to hire them because they're allowed to pay less than the minimum wage to the immigrant. Hating the immigrant for simply wanting to feed thier family instead of hating the billionaire who pays you and the immigrant breadcrumbs while you both do all the labor, is dumb. So humans hating other humans is largely rooted in stupidity. The idea that there's a God who's hateful also means that God is dumber than many humans. Dumber than me. That's such a stupid concept that it made me no longer believe that type of stuff. The purity and innocence of children is what the light of God looks like to me. Not idiotic words from angry uneducated adults. Anything in religions that align with that light, I'm cool with. Anything that's blatantly stupid gets ignored. My personal view on that.

Anyway, you should consider calling or texting a crisis number. Just look up "crisis number" or "suicide number" and call or text one of them. They'll help you sort your thoughs a bit. The overwhelming fear that's been built in you for years can make it hard to think clearly. Good on you for at least being able to think clearly enough to reach out here first. This bad moment will pass just like every other one you've been through. Stay strong!
 
JJackson said:
I can't tell you weather God is real or not. No one can. That's why it's called a belief.

Best I can give is an opinion. I personally do believe there's a God. I don't believe in a particular religion, I just believe there's something. I think it's possible that some stuff in various religions are right and other stuff is bs used to fill people with fear and control them. You're clearly a prime example of that part. I also used to deeply worry about the same stuff as you but I just sorta grew out of it. The contradictions in religion made me stop believing in it, specifically Christianity. The idea that there's a God that's harsh and cruel makes no sense when plenty of humans are kind and Loving. Hatred is mostly based on stupidity. Take undocumented immigrants for example. People hate them because "they take our jobs". But that's just an idiotic view. They don't "take" jobs. They get hired. The billionaires running companies choose to hire them because they're allowed to pay less than the minimum wage to the immigrant. Hating the immigrant for simply wanting to feed thier family instead of hating the billionaire who pays you and the immigrant breadcrumbs while you both do all the labor, is dumb. So humans hating other humans is largely rooted in stupidity. The idea that there's a God who's hateful also means that God is dumber than many humans. Dumber than me. That's such a stupid concept that it made me no longer believe that type of stuff. The purity and innocence of children is what the light of God looks like to me. Not idiotic words from angry uneducated adults. Anything in religions that align with that light, I'm cool with. Anything that's blatantly stupid gets ignored. My personal view on that.

Anyway, you should consider calling or texting a crisis number. Just look up "crisis number" or "suicide number" and call or text one of them. They'll help you sort your thoughs a bit. The overwhelming fear that's been built in you for years can make it hard to think clearly. Good on you for at least being able to think clearly enough to reach out here first. This bad moment will pass just like every other one you've been through. Stay strong!
Click to expand...
@JJackson Please can I have your telegram
If possible
So I can talk to you
I have many things I want to ask and learn
I’m sick of trying to figure out life
And it seems you have it all figured out already
So what do you say?
 
Indiginy said:
@JJackson Please can I have your telegram
If possible
So I can talk to you
I have many things I want to ask and learn
I’m sick of trying to figure out life
And it seems you have it all figured out already
So what do you say?
Click to expand...
I don't use telegram and I'm not comfortable sharing personal contact info on here anyway. You can just ask stuff here if you need. And there's plenty to learn from those books and people I mentioned prior like Dr Gabor Maté. I learned from people like him.
 
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