10 min of Exsitential Crisis

Didn't knew were it belongs in this forum so if I messed up just move it please.

Today I've been facing with my lack self-confidence and fear.

Its was a tough year for all of us, one of the loneliest period of time I've ever experienced. although I discovered NoFap this year and read "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Robert Glover, but we'll get to that.

I've signed up to software engineering academic degree last march (online of course). Never dealt with math or software ever in my life. I've only been through one semester and I don't know how I'll pull it together till the end of this semester. I don't enjoying learning math and so I'm quite tired and panting all day. So I think to myself: "this is how its going to be for the rest of the degree and career? or is it just the harsh start and it will get better?"
I also know that till I'll start my first day at the job, I wouldn't know for sure.
My desire was to learn Cinema Art or Communication but during covid breakout it looked like a suicide mission. But instead of whining how unfair it is to work at it and make way-less money, I've decided to take this challenging degree in engineering.

So I've been thinking that deciding on a degree out of fear maybe looked right back then, but now its seems like a non-assertive decision, classic move of a Nice Guy personality like me (INFP-T).
I also believe that if I wasn't studying I would still be at home thinking over what should I be studying.

As I said, I'm practically a Nice Guy: I will do everything to "get along", "do the right thing", "do what's best for the common good" etc. It's my core belief and compass during life. although a guy whos trying to do the "most right things" will always feel like he didn't do enough and even apologize for things he didn't do while other guys won't even bother, not to mention appreciating the Nice Guy for trying to be moral.
This world not a place for Nice Guys, at all!

I know for sure that my Porn\Cybersexting addiction amplified it by a few scales.

I feel that the "Ideal Man" is the most far thing from me.
The absurd is, masculinity is a self-definition that do not dependent on anything but the definition itself. And I feel like I'm "proving" myself that I'm a man by studying 'serious' degree and doing NoFap, although its a paradox.

I know I'm generalizing but most girls are attracted to the "Ideal Man": assertive and confident, which is an important qualities but I'm non of them. Girls can tell in instant whether a guy is acting "like a man" or not.

In my entire life I've never been "smashing it" one topic to the fullest. I've always had doubts whether I should or not should be doing. For example, when I wanted to be a music producer I've never asked my parents to buy me gear or sign up the a course. Never tried hard on school or even hobbies. Only now I've decide to sign a to production course after a decade of me doing musical production at home!

I'm so jealous at those men. They 100% they're right and legitimate, although in my eyes I see it as almost Narcissism. I know I value them for that even though its bullshit and compare myself to them which is wrong.

So I have two options: one is to fight my bad, "Nice" characters, which will lead me to constant self-hate, or to accept myself "Just as I am", which mean giving up on me being an assertive, confidant man. Its probably both and life is about balancing the two strategies, I think.

Same strategies applies to my degree dilemma.

And the worst thing is that I can only blame myself. Not my parents, or anyone else.

I know I'm not the first human struggling with those thoughts. generations before I was born and probably many after. But they all had to stay optimistic in order to survive, so I guess I'll do the same.

Thank you very much for reading this

 

You’re going to work through this and figure it out. I also am wired this way and was shocked when I read that book at how much it seemed to describe me. I feel I’ve made a lot of progress in my mindset and I know you can do it too. You can still be a kind person, but no longer operating from an approval-seeking place.