10 pointers of encouragement after 90 days

Hitting my 90 days tomorrow. A heck of a lot has changed because of how aggressively I tackled this on all fronts: physical, mental, emotional and spiritual. I cannot stress enough that if you’re just holding your hands up in the air and preventing from touching your friend you will succeed, but not effectuate long lasting changes. The amount of energy that goes into designing who you want to be is directly related to the effect of these 90 days. The idea of abstinence may have a good effect physically, but there’s more than just “rewiring” of your brain that needs to happen. Attitude, character, resolve, choice, they all must develop within you and be strengthened as a lifestyle. You cannot let them be a stage of recovery, they are part of most successful peoples’ lives. You need to make them yours as well if you want to succeed in this.

Instead of the break-up of what I did (suggest you go check my post after 60 days here) I’ll give "10 pointers of Encouragement".

1 - People will doubt you and it sucks. This is true especially if people were hurt by your habit. Those who do not struggle and did not struggle with porn, do not understand a single thing about how much change can happen in a very short time. They will question your change and challenge your honesty. Use negativity for your good by taking it in and having a serious conversation about why they are wrong, and why you know you are different. Fight to prevent such negativity from blocking your view of what you know to be true about the person you want to be. You are in control and you will succeed if you focus on how much you want this. You’re not here to impress anyone or gain the respect of anyone. You are because of you first and foremost.

2 - Recognize your love and attachment to PMO and how much it was a close friend for such a long time. As the dysfunctional friend it was, keep it at bay. Don’t say hi, don’t entertain short ‘conversations’ (mind fapping, edging, essentially) with it, and don’t invite him close to you (make it 'casually available'). He’s a friend and you had great times, but that is no longer needed in your current life.

3 - Find relationships that empower you in your quest for being better. If you can’t find those, be here in NoFap, or find support groups in your area (church, 12-step, SMART recovery, etc.). If all you see is negativity, be the positive mind changer and encourage that behavior to come through in the posts you find here in NoFap. Seek the posts that give you the opportunity to be of help and encouragement for others. Remember that you’re not alone, and in being of encouragement you also remind yourself of how this is possible and thus encourage yourself.

4 - Set your fences closer than your mind wants them to be. Your brain will want you to maintain your boundaries close to the edge, but remember that those edges are treacherous and one small step outside of your fence can erode your resolve and focus in no time. It is better to lose some ground and be safe, than gain all you can and have to worry about being too exposed to temptations. It may cost you your privacy, your computer access, your smartphone or comfort. It will bring a lot of peace of mind.

5 - Learn to cruise through goals. A goal is not the tallest mountain you can climb, because you may be disappointed if you can’t do it right now. It is better to work through increments of goals, always keeping your progress moving forward and experiencing smaller victories. This way, you will be propelled with every bit of encouragement and your resolve will grow stronger as you go.

6 - Use your time wisely. Read more, inform yourself. Watch TED talks. If YouTube is your minefield for arousal, get those links you want and download the videos. Watch intently, trying to gain from what people say. Become a learner. Experience wonder. Make your brain understand how much more it can get when it’s not passively hunting for the easier way to dopamine.

7 - Progressively hate your habit. Remind yourself of all the reasons why your habit has been costing you more than you’re ready to give. Say “no more” and stick the sword in the sand defiantly. Remind yourself how much time and energy was wasted on what could’ve been your next skill (music, writing, sport, study, etc.). Don’t just hate and feel bitter about lost time, go and pursue those things with urgency and passion, reminding yourself how much you desire to outdo the number of hours that were stolen from you through your habit.

8 - Develop in places you didn’t see yourself before. If you’re afraid of something try it, if it’s never worked before go do it again, if you feel like you can learn a thing or two from a new experience don’t limit yourself. The more you see that you’re not caged in a world of “this is the stuff I’m able to do”, the more the sense of your ability to beat this will set in your heart. The moment you stop recognizing the person you were, you will start seeing the person you are now and the one you could be. Remember, you cannot remain 100% exactly you minus PMO. The habit was so ingrained in your identity that a lot more will have to die with it.

9 - Maintain conversations with yourself about it. Debate the effects of porn around you, ask questions about what you’re being sold in ads, on social media, and through the world around you. I was at Six Flags yesterday (for those not in the US: a theme park) and noticed a guy about 16 with a shirt that read “FunHaus” with the logo styling of PornHub. I instinctively shook my head. I noticed an older man with his kids scanning teenagers’ legs and tank tops in waiting lines - yes, we all know exactly what he suffers from - and shook my head instinctively. Your faculty of reason will start analyzing things around you and waking up to the reality that this is not the perfect world you and I want, but we don’t need to be zombies constantly consuming what we see. It will develop into mindfulness about the many things that are risks to you and others. Critical thinking will follow.

10 - Kill the FOMO. “But you're missing on all the new stuff!” That’s the dopamine talking. “But, but, if you choose to give up X and Y you will…” It’s not the voice of reason talking here either. The universe has so many things to show you which are more remarkable than one specific stream of entertainment, be it television, movies, or porn. Are you missing out on anything? Your old self may think so - but you can take it as you simply ignoring one thing to have more time, energy and integrity to enjoy all others. Trust me, you will prefer to look back on memories and remember that one stunning sunset instead of one lost evening of fapping to images your brain will scramble anyway.

Keep strong, be mindful, don’t fap.

Achilles