100 Cold Approaches

StoicContemplation

StoicContemplation

Fapstronaut
I am going to approach 100 girls in the coming period. I'm not going to put a 'deadline' on it, but I'm going to do it on a consistent basis. I have a lot of time now and live in a Central-European city as an exchange student. There are COVID-rules here but there are still plenty of people on the street, so the opportunity is there.

I have approached before, but never on a consistent basis or in an intense way so that I can call myself an expert on it. This thread is meant to hold myself accountable and to share my experiences. Maybe I can inspire other guys to do the same. Maybe I can provide information that can be useful.

Two rules that I'm going to take into consideration:

1. I don't necessarily have to get to the point of asking her number. During the day, I prefer indirect game which means opening up with a girl without directly showing your intentions (e.g. "excuse me, where can I find XYZ?") and subsequently trying to guide the chat towards a more personal conversation where you can build comfort. Sometimes I feel that the girl is not very open for a chat so I won't bother asking her number (or maybe I don't like her eventually). I will be easy on myself and qualify these 'formal' approaches as an approach. After all, these are approaches too where you have to overcome fear.

2. If I approach a group of girls, then that is qualified as 1 approach. I will mostly go for girls that are alone but sometimes, if I feel that the moment is right, I will approach for example 2 girls that are together.

The goal here is to learn. Approaching a girl you don't know is one of the hardest things a man can do. It comes with dreadful fear and men will make 101 excuses not to do it. Forget about the intimacy you can get for a moment: you can learn a lot by approaching girls. In essence, it requires being a good conversationalist. If you want to learn how to swim but you first want to know everything about swimming before jumping into the water, well then that's a problem. Getting good with girls (and increasing conversational skills and the like) can only be done with practice.

Other guys are free to embark this challenge or ask questions.
 
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Today I approached 8 girls (2 of them were groups of 2)

In the beginning it was hard but I got in the mood pretty quickly. I didn't go into flirt mode but just asked simple questions (e.g. "where is the Japanese Garden?"). With some of the girls I was able to have a conversation for longer than 5 minutes. Some were short and merely 'formal' like I described in the initial post. I got 3 numbers.

Total: 8/100
 
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Rev2.0 said:
How did it go with the groups of 2? Did you get a number from any of them or were those from the ones who were alone?
Click to expand...

Surprisingly the 2 groups of 2 were one of the 4 approaches (the other 4 were short and didn't involve a real conversation) that entailed a chat for longer than 5 minutes (it could be shorter, when you talk to a girl on the street/park it always feels longer than it usually is).

With one of these 2 groups, I think I talked for more than 10 minutes and subsequently asked for the number of one of the girls when saying goodbye. Although I don't really think that that is going to be my main strategy, it felt like an opportunity to talk to these girls, even just for the sake of experience to get used more talking with women. Of course I do think it is harder to build a personal connection when the girl you like is with her friend(s). And maybe she won't give you her number in that situation because she doesn't want to be judged by her friend(s) by giving her number to a stranger, whilst she maybe would have done it if she was alone.

If you are trying to improve conversational skills then I would give groups definitely a go. What I can tell from yesterday, is that it looks like it is easier to continue a conversation because there are 2 (or more) persons that will provide information or ask questions on which you can build upon. And if there is a short silence, then that feels less uncomfortable because you are engaging in an interaction with more than 2.
 
I went out and did 1 approach. I really wasn't in the mood and I was puzzled how I was even able to approach 8 girls yesterday (maybe because I didn't sleep so well this night).

The girl I approached wore a hat and a face mask, which made it hard to communicate with her as it was such an anonymous sight (didn't even see her hair) lacking individuality and facial expressions. Began with asking what I can do in the city but I wasn't able to shift it towards a more personal conversation (it boils down to rambling a bit in the hope that she will ask you a question, if she doesn't do it, then it's not likely you will get her number eventually). When the conversation dried up, I asked for her number just for the sake of it but got rejected (as expected)

I think I missed some opportunities to approach some girls (eye contact, a girl being alone) but I couldn't overcome the fear this time.

This stuff is hard.

Total: 9/100
 
You're brave man!
Keep it up and don't give up.
I'm leaving this site probably forever.
But it's been a pleasure talking to you.

I wish you all the best. It will be difficult but it will be worth it.
Keep going even if it's hard, there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

One day you will wake up and you will be proud of yourself and there will be nothing but love for yourself.

Trust the process :)
 
Spirituss said:
You're brave man!
Keep it up and don't give up.
I'm leaving this site probably forever.
But it's been a pleasure talking to you.

I wish you all the best. It will be difficult but it will be worth it.
Keep going even if it's hard, there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

One day you will wake up and you will be proud of yourself and there will be nothing but love for yourself.

Trust the process :)
Click to expand...

Thanks for the words of encouragement. A lot of doubtful thoughts raced through my mind today.

"Why should I even bother doing this?" or "Dating is just not worth it."

But I will stick to it. I think that feeling of despair/doubt is normal in a learning curve.
 
StoicContemplation said:
Thanks for the words of encouragement. A lot of doubtful thoughts raced through my mind today.

"Why should I even bother doing this?" or "Dating is just not worth it."

But I will stick to it. I think that feeling of despair/doubt is normal in a learning curve.
Click to expand...
This is totally normal.
Like it's totally normal to fail dates, to have moments when you feel like shit, when you're going to doubt yourself and your own ability to seduce.

You're going to go through all kinds of states. Because it's a purge of all the beliefs you've accumulated over the years. The more brutal the better. It means you're moving forward, learning, experiencing life. There's no right or wrong. Just experiences. And that's the beauty of this process.

The most important thing is not to believe all these thoughts.
Because it will be difficult.

It's an adventure.

Good luck
 
StoicContemplation said:
I am going to approach 100 girls in the coming period. I'm not going to put a 'deadline' on it, but I'm going to do it on a consistent basis. I have a lot of time now and live in a Central-European city as an exchange student. There are COVID-rules here but there are still plenty of people on the street, so the opportunity is there.

I have approached before, but never on a consistent basis or in an intense way so that I can call myself an expert on it. This thread is meant to hold myself accountable and to share my experiences. Maybe I can inspire other guys to do the same. Maybe I can provide information that can be useful.

Two rules that I'm going to take into consideration:

1. I don't necessarily have to get to the point of asking her number. During the day, I prefer indirect game which means opening up with a girl without directly showing your intentions (e.g. "excuse me, where can I find XYZ?") and subsequently trying to guide the chat towards a more personal conversation where you can build comfort. Sometimes I feel that the girl is not very open for a chat so I won't bother asking her number (or maybe I don't like her eventually). I will be easy on myself and qualify these 'formal' approaches as an approach. After all, these are approaches too where you have to overcome fear.

2. If I approach a group of girls, then that is qualified as 1 approach. I will mostly go for girls that are alone but sometimes, if I feel that the moment is right, I will approach for example 2 girls that are together.

The goal here is to learn. Approaching a girl you don't know is one of the hardest things a man can do. It comes with dreadful fear and men will make 101 excuses not to do it. Forget about the intimacy you can get for a moment: you can learn a lot by approaching girls. In essence, it requires being a good conversationalist. If you want to learn how to swim but you first want to know everything about swimming before jumping into the water, well then that's a problem. Getting good with girls (and increasing conversational skills and the like) can only be done with practice.

Other guys are free to embark this challenge or ask questions.
Click to expand...

My advice is to go direct, from my experience women prefer direct approaches, no time wasted and it's less creepy, women have a 6th sense for that. Plus it's more difficult to go direct, it's better in my opinion.
Good luck
 
SickSicko said:
Wise words, but PUA's want "the way" there is no way....YOU ARE THE WAY
Click to expand...
I agree, everybody has his own way. I just think it's more honest. Women appreciate the fact that you're not afraid to say what you really feel, instead of hiding behind fake reasons to approach, I find indirect approaches to be awkward when it's time to keep the conversation going.
But for a guy who is just starting, indirect is smoother. Both are ok. Just my preference.
 
I approached 6 girls (some of them were groups). Most of the interactions were short and didn't involve a conversation of a personal nature. With one group, I had a longer conversation which allowed it to be more easygoing (one girl of a group was asking me questions and looked interested but she was married). No numbers involved.

Total: 15/100

LordQuas said:
I agree, everybody has his own way. I just think it's more honest. Women appreciate the fact that you're not afraid to say what you really feel, instead of hiding behind fake reasons to approach, I find indirect approaches to be awkward when it's time to keep the conversation going.
But for a guy who is just starting, indirect is smoother. Both are ok. Just my preference.
Click to expand...

Thanks for the input. I don't see myself as an authority in game to say that 'how I do it' is the way everybody should do it (like you said: preference). I think that the 'how' is less important than the 'what'. Game primarily works because you actually go out and talk with women, thus increasing your chance of getting something because you make yourself present in her world. After all, it's a numbers game (the more you try, the more you get). And if you do it a lot, you get better eventually thus increasing your chances.

Also, I'm just a beginner, so for me it's less dreadful to go up to a girl and ask something simple (even that is already hard for me). If I was going up to her to immediately saying that I like her, I wouldn't feel comfortable (let alone that I would make her comfortable). Note that I'm approaching during the day and not during the night in a bar/club where girls expect to be approached.

My primary goal here is to get really desensitized of the approach anxiety and get more comfortable with approaching girls. If I get numbers in the meanwhile, that's fine. I'm more focused on the process than the results right now. Again, I'm a beginner so take it with a grain of salt.
 
I really like the way you keep your feet on the ground. I mean you put your ego aside and that's something very rare.

Most of the guys I've known in this process have anger in them. They're not there to evolve as a person but to take something from the world.

By approaching 15 girls since the beginning you have already had to go into a state where fear is less intense. This state doesn't last long. For me it is 2-3 days. The important thing is not to get attached to the level of fear you may have. Because it will always be there even if you approach 3000 girls...
But rather to change our relationship to fear. No longer see it as an enemy or something to be avoided but as a friend. Not identifying ourselves to fear anymore.In the long run this is something that will change your life because you will no longer believe your negative thoughts. They will be there, but you will have proved so much to your brain that they are false by overcoming fear, that they will no longer touch you...

This process is a reprogramming of all our beliefs that we have accumulated over the years. And we realize that our ego and our need to be accepted, to do things right, prevents us from being just free.

But with practice it will get better and better.

Bravo to you for your courage and vulnerability. I admire it!
 
Spirituss said:
I really like the way you keep your feet on the ground. I mean you put your ego aside and that's something very rare.

Most of the guys I've known in this process have anger in them. They're not there to evolve as a person but to take something from the world.

By approaching 15 girls since the beginning you have already had to go into a state where fear is less intense. This state doesn't last long. For me it is 2-3 days. The important thing is not to get attached to the level of fear you may have. Because it will always be there even if you approach 3000 girls...
But rather to change our relationship to fear. No longer see it as an enemy or something to be avoided but as a friend. Not identifying ourselves to fear anymore.In the long run this is something that will change your life because you will no longer believe your negative thoughts. They will be there, but you will have proved so much to your brain that they are false by overcoming fear, that they will no longer touch you...

This process is a reprogramming of all our beliefs that we have accumulated over the years. And we realize that our ego and our need to be accepted, to do things right, prevents us from being just free.

But with practice it will get better and better.

Bravo to you for your courage and vulnerability. I admire it!
Click to expand...

Thanks man. Yeah embracing the fear and not fighting it, I like that.

I take a cold shower everyday. But still, they keep being fearsome even if I have taken them hundreds of times. But I never regret taking them. I think it's the same with talking to girls. I see this as a way to come out of the comfort zone.

Now that I'm starting to approach more, I see opportunities all around me. With most of them, my brain paralyzes me and I end up rationalizing not to approach ("she looks in a hurry", "too much people around", etc.). I end up regretting not taking action. The instances that I did approach was when my brain was pretty silent and I just came up with the goal to talk with them and then sticking to that goal. There was no thinking process involved, it goes very fast. I think if you see a girl, you have to decide to approach within a few seconds and then just go for it.
 
I've done some cold approaching though I've found in the street, people naturally have their guard up more and it's hard to break past that and not feel like you're weird/ a creep. Especially when you literally ARE going out with the express purpose of talking to strangers. I don't know, by most definitions that is odd.

Doing that in malls or in shops. God the worst part is how I'd sometimes try to get someone's attention and then not even speak loud enough to be heard? And then I'd just get totally ignored.

I hated the times I made fake excuses like asking for directions/things to do. It felt too fake for me and a waste of time ultimately.

But sometimes once the girls realised that I was trying to talk to them more, they did things like rolling their eyes or walking away. I think there is some judgement about being a guy hanging around in malls cold approaching strangers and perhaps for good reason.

I've done a ton of cold approaching drunk but since the fear was gone, it didn't count. The thing I DO remember is that if you approached with confidence they would always give you a chance. But often when drunk I would fuck up from the alcohol.

I think the best is to do it in a coffee shop or even a casual restaurant where you are sat down. I got numbers and contact info doing that.

Yet I remember the cringey feeling of bombing in coffee shops with total strangers listening in. One time they even laughed and made fun of me repeating everything I said back to each other with whispered giggles!

And the humiliation of trying it for like 10 minutes in a coffee shop and having it go nowhere and then awkwardly just sitting there after that! I was too prideful to leave after failing a cold approach. Plus in most cases I was doing it spontaneously.

Looking over my not so vast sex life, I have never had sexual experiences from cold approaches. Very few of the numbers went anywhere. Perhaps I've had one or two dates from it.

Sometimes I even realised I was doing 'easy' cold approaches by going after women I did not find sexually attractive and thus was less nervous. To me, that's like having a lukewarm cold shower and telling yourself it's a freezing one.

I am generally of the opinion that events where people go out to meet people are better ways to meet the opposite sex. Or even events where the main purpose is not to meet someone and it can happen incidentally thus feeling 'normal.' And then even if you don't meet someone it's still a valid use of your time anyway.

Still you got me thinking of my old cold approach days and those memories stand out as some of the most strong - not always for the right reasons. Sure there are better things to be doing. There are also plenty of worse ones.

I think it'd be fun with a cold approach buddy where you could spur each other on and then give each other feedback/notes. I've never had a wingman, unfortunately :(
 
Kowe said:
I've done some cold approaching though I've found in the street, people naturally have their guard up more and it's hard to break past that and not feel like you're weird/ a creep. Especially when you literally ARE going out with the express purpose of talking to strangers. I don't know, by most definitions that is odd.
Click to expand...
That's why you have to get to a point where you're so okay with it that it has become your reality. That's how I see the process. If there's a part of you that finds it weird it will be very difficult to communicate your intentions...
It took a year for me to find it normal to approach girls so yeah I deeply understand. But there's a light a the end of the tunnel.
When you can go talk to any girl in any situation and act like who you really are without trying to control anything. You can leave if you don't like the girl or if she says something you don't like without caring about the consequences.
you can also bring unconditional compassion.
That's freedom.

It is to fill the emptiness that we feel inside us, the emptiness that made us start this process. Not by having more. But by realizing our value.
When we do, we will be able to be free and welcome every situation with joy instead of being afraid,looking for more and trying to control the future by doings things "right".

Kowe said:
I hated the times I made fake excuses like asking for directions/things to do. It felt too fake for me and a waste of time ultimately.
Click to expand...

Yeah same here. You don't respect yourself and you don't express your real intentions. This makes you feel even worse about yourself. At the beginning it can help but the truth is the most difficult part is approaching. Once we start moving our feet it's done, there's no point in hiding what we want.
Kowe said:
But sometimes once the girls realised that I was trying to talk to them more, they did things like rolling their eyes or walking away. I think there is some judgement about being a guy hanging around in malls cold approaching strangers and perhaps for good reason.
Click to expand...
What's attractive is a guy who no matter what happens to him remains conscious of who he is instead of trying to get something.
What you describe happens a lot. But if you don't care because you've reached a point where no matter what happens to you you know you're alive, you're breathing and that's enough, it won't affect you.

What hurts is not what happens to us, but what we do with what happens to us. and it can go both ways. it can hurt but it can also become something much more positive and healthy for us.
When it happens to me I wonder: am I affected by it?( My ego ) .
If the answer is yes, it means that I have to put myself in these situations even more because I am not free yet. It's a good sign. I'm moving forward.

Kowe said:
Sometimes I even realised I was doing 'easy' cold approaches by going after women I did not find sexually attractive and thus was less nervous. To me, that's like having a lukewarm cold shower and telling yourself it's a freezing one.

I am generally of the opinion that events where people go out to meet people are better ways to meet the opposite sex. Or even events where the main purpose is not to meet someone and it can happen incidentally thus feeling 'normal.' And then even if you don't meet someone it's still a valid use of your time anyway.
Click to expand...
Thank you for your honesty. The truth about cold approach is that you have to let go of results and focus on something much deeper and more ingrained in you if you want it to work.

There is a "rubber band" that prevents us from fully expressing ourselves. because we don't explore what we are capable of doing. all we want is to get what we want. The real challenge is to stretch that rubber band to express ourselves fully.
Your mind searching for the best way not to be rejected. The way you play it safe so you don't lose the girl.
You need to understand that these are things that are much deeper and more ingrained in you. Freeing yourself from them means becoming free to express yourself fully.

Go to the end of the "stay detached" state of mind and then switch to the "show interest unconditionally" state of mind. This requires us to let go of the result and focus on ourselves.

Enstein said something very true. He said : "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.". Having expectations and being focused on the outside instead of exploring what you are capable of doing, you don't make progress when you do that. I experienced this 1 year...
Kowe said:
I think it'd be fun with a cold approach buddy where you could spur each other on and then give each other feedback/notes. I've never had a wingman, unfortunately
Click to expand...

.Yeah I'd say it's very important because it's a very deep process and being in this adventure alone is something sad ^^

This is probably the most difficult process. But in the long run it is the most transformative if we put our ego aside and explore what we never thought we were capable of doing.

We learn to love ourselves before we want more.

This guy sums up what I'm trying to say :)

 
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Went out to sharpen the sword but managed to only do 1 approach (1 group of 2 girls). The conversation was short but managed to sustain it for a few minutes. I liked one of the 2 girls but didn't bother asking her number because I thought I wasn't able to build much rapport. Maybe if I find a girl attractive but the conversation is drying up I'll ask for the number anyways just to take things further and so that I can't 'regret' anything, even if I know that the odds of rejection are high.

The negative thoughts were there again but they weren't as intense as the last time.

Total: 22/100

Kowe said:
I've done some cold approaching though I've found in the street, people naturally have their guard up more and it's hard to break past that and not feel like you're weird/ a creep. Especially when you literally ARE going out with the express purpose of talking to strangers. I don't know, by most definitions that is odd.
Click to expand...

I think it depends on how you frame it. If you tell yourself that it is creepy, then that will become a part of your belief system and you will act (or rather not act) according to that belief system. I try not to care too much what goes through a woman's mind. I think it is kind of inevitable that a lot of girls will think of you as a weirdo when you cold approach on a street. If I was worried not to look like a creep, then I wouldn't bother doing this. Some of them will be open and responsive for a chat, but most of them won't.

Kowe said:
But sometimes once the girls realised that I was trying to talk to them more, they did things like rolling their eyes or walking away. I think there is some judgement about being a guy hanging around in malls cold approaching strangers and perhaps for good reason.
Click to expand...

I'd say I have that fear of being judged too, but I try to become detached from it and not to care. I think that the negative experiences you described are a part of the game and cannot be circumvented. After 22 approaches, I do admit that this can be frustrating and exhausting. But when you are learning, the ego is the enemy. I try to be humble and accept the fact that most girls I'll talk to won't be interested. I leave my door not with the goal of getting numbers, but to approach at least one girl so that I did at least one act that went beyond the scope of what I thought I was capable of.

Kowe said:
Still you got me thinking of my old cold approach days and those memories stand out as some of the most strong - not always for the right reasons. Sure there are better things to be doing. There are also plenty of worse ones.
Click to expand...

Is going out and approaching girls the most noble thing you can do in the moral sense of the word? No.

Are there better ways to spend your time? Yes.

Is it something you can learn from? I think so.

I have some time on my hands now and I like to take a challenge which allows me to grow and learn.

Will it bring fulfillment? I doubt it. I try not to put too much value in the material world because then I'll be miserable once I'm depraved from it.
 
Spirituss said:
That's why you have to get to a point where you're so okay with it that it has become your reality. That's how I see the process. If there's a part of you that finds it weird it will be very difficult to communicate your intentions...
It took a year for me to find it normal to approach girls so yeah I deeply understand. But there's a light a the end of the tunnel.
When you can go talk to any girl in any situation and act like who you really are without trying to control anything. You can leave if you don't like the girl or if she says something you don't like without caring about the consequences.
you can also bring unconditional compassion.
That's freedom.

It is to fill the emptiness that we feel inside us, the emptiness that made us start this process. Not by having more. But by realizing our value.
When we do, we will be able to be free and welcome every situation with joy instead of being afraid,looking for more and trying to control the future by doings things "right".



Yeah same here. You don't respect yourself and you don't express your real intentions. This makes you feel even worse about yourself. At the beginning it can help but the truth is the most difficult part is approaching. Once we start moving our feet it's done, there's no point in hiding what we want.

What's attractive is a guy who no matter what happens to him remains conscious of who he is instead of trying to get something.
What you describe happens a lot. But if you don't care because you've reached a point where no matter what happens to you you know you're alive, you're breathing and that's enough, it won't affect you.

What hurts is not what happens to us, but what we do with what happens to us. and it can go both ways. it can hurt but it can also become something much more positive and healthy for us.
When it happens to me I wonder: am I affected by it?( My ego ) .
If the answer is yes, it means that I have to put myself in these situations even more because I am not free yet. It's a good sign. I'm moving forward.


Thank you for your honesty. The truth about cold approach is that you have to let go of results and focus on something much deeper and more ingrained in you if you want it to work.

There is a "rubber band" that prevents us from fully expressing ourselves. because we don't explore what we are capable of doing. all we want is to get what we want. The real challenge is to stretch that rubber band to express ourselves fully.
Your mind searching for the best way not to be rejected. The way you play it safe so you don't lose the girl.
You need to understand that these are things that are much deeper and more ingrained in you. Freeing yourself from them means becoming free to express yourself fully.

Go to the end of the "stay detached" state of mind and then switch to the "show interest unconditionally" state of mind. This requires us to let go of the result and focus on ourselves.

Enstein said something very true. He said : "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.". Having expectations and being focused on the outside instead of exploring what you are capable of doing, you don't make progress when you do that. I experienced this 1 year...


.Yeah I'd say it's very important because it's a very deep process and being in this adventure alone is something sad ^^

This is probably the most difficult process. But in the long run it is the most transformative if we put our ego aside and explore what we never thought we were capable of doing.

We learn to love ourselves before we want more.

This guy sums up what I'm trying to say :)

Click to expand...

I agree but in all of this I ask, are we doing it to have sex at the end? Is that the goal?

Or are we doing it as some kind of 'challenge' to feel better about ourselves, a bit like taking cold showers?

Or are we telling ourselves it's the second one when really it's the first?

And is that true for most of what us men do, from playing the piano to working out? As usual, it's a bit of both I guess.

But UNLIKE some of the other things, the actual enjoyment of the thing itself isn't really there for me when it comes to cold approach.
 
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