100 Cold Approaches

Discussion in 'Dating during a Reboot' started by StoicContemplation, Dec 12, 2020.

  1. Kowe

    Kowe Fapstronaut

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    So I went for a walk in nature today and tried some countryside approaches.

    First one was a woman sat on a bench. I noticed she had one of these sticks for hiking. I said,

    'excuse me, where did you get that stick?'
    'Amazon.'
    'Right. Just I was thinking of buying one.'
    Yeah.'
    'It could help with the steeper trails.'
    'Right.'
    'Do you know where you're walking today? I think I'll probably just go in a straight line.'
    'Yeah you can get anywhere pretty easily.'
    'Right. I've just moved here from abroad so I don't know this area so well. Do you ?
    'Yeah, I live here so I've taken these trails many times.'
    'Cool. By the way, what are these flowers called?'
    'Bluebells.'
    'It's weird they're called blue bells when they're purple.'
    'I guess.'
    'Well, have a good walk!'
    'You too. See you!'

    I ultimately ended it myself because I didn't want to bother her and I didn't feel too much of a connection.

    Considering I opened with the stick I should have asked more questions about it.

    Later, I see a girl with a bulldog.

    I said,

    'Excuse me, is that a bulldog?' Then she said yeah. I had the same kind of interaction I've had before with dog owners where I talked about the difficulties training my own dog. Eventually her grandmother arrived which cut things short. She was quite friendly and encouraged me to pet her dog.

    These little mini interactions are good just to keep the idea of approaching a stranger to be a normal thing in your mind.

    64/100

    Ultimately, I could have stretched these interactions out for more practice but I try to read the atmosphere and not force a chat.

    Even short chats that are failures in the eyes of people who think you need results every time are still helpful as building blocks for confidence. Each little chat where you try a new opener or line are helping you become someone who is comfortable talking to unknown people.

    It's tough for me psychologically to go against the voice in my head of, 'this isn't you! People like you don't do this' but you just have to ride that out. I would say I've gotten better but that comes back more strongly when people are in earshot and can hear everything I'm saying.

    One of the other reasons I go indirect is because my intentions are not purely sexual. If all I have is a little chat, I'm happy with that. My goal is basically to have a small conversation. If through the course of the chat it turns out there is some chemistry or she has some interest in me, then my desires and goals shift to get the number, then a date, then intimacy. This is what bothers me a bit about people saying, 'you need to go directly for what you want.' Well, what I want changes at different stages of the process. In the beginning stages, it really is all about the chat.
     
    Last edited: May 2, 2021
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  2. ruso

    ruso Fapstronaut

    @Kowe It’s awesome you do this in places that aren’t bars or clubs. Inspired. Will do more often, makes life more fun doesn’t it?

    @Garek Interesting points. Regarding introducing yourself out the blue, or asking her name. Indirect questions IMO are better, as long as, as the conversation continues, you both exchange names. Women are approached all the time with the intro approach. That being said, if I feel like it I introduce myself from the get go, if I want to be indirect I’ll be indirect. I do believe, it’s about having fun and being spontaneous to not make it a chore for yourself.
     
  3. Garek

    Garek Fapstronaut

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    @ruso Brass tacks. How many time has being indirect landed you a date? Or gotten you laid?
     
  4. ruso

    ruso Fapstronaut

    With dates, a few times face to face. My point is I switch it up from indirect/direct just to enjoy the experience more. Ya gotta enjoy it or it’ll show.
     
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  5. Garek

    Garek Fapstronaut

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    Point taken.
     
  6. ruso

    ruso Fapstronaut

    1. Said hi to 3 Brazilian chicks, got in my head that they are too hot. So I didn’t proceed with making conversation and left the beach, but opportunity was there. Gotta remember to disregard my inner thoughts and just talk. There’s no barriers, gotta get out of my own way.
     
  7. brassknucks

    brassknucks Fapstronaut

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    Spent the weekend in another town. Approached a lovely gal but then I got all autistic and spaghetti fell outta my pocket. smh, shit. Oh well, another learning experience.
     
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  8. Kowe

    Kowe Fapstronaut

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    Were they in a group? If so, that would be particularly difficult.
     
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  9. PanteriMauzer

    PanteriMauzer Fapstronaut

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    Next time say BOLSOMITOOOOO CLOROQUINAAAAA they will not be indiferent to you
     
  10. Kowe

    Kowe Fapstronaut

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    Went into town today. It started raining. I saw a woman walking past me with an umbrella. I said:

    'Excuse me, is that a good umbrella?'
    She looks at me with a confused look on her face so I explain, 'Just I'm looking to buy an umbrella.'
    'Oh sorry this is from a hotel'
    She started to walk away and I was able to throw out an,
    'Do you know where I can buy one?'
    'You can buy one from________'

    End of interaction.

    A while later I was on the train platform. I walked past a woman with a dog and the dog walked towards my feet. I said,
    'Is that your dog?'
    Seems pretty stupid considering the answer was obvious. I got the ball rolling with dog talk - something I have done many times now. Dropped bait several times about my dog observations in other countries, but she didn't bite. I think she was French. I would have kept going but her phone rang which ended the interaction.

    Then I was on the train, I said:
    'Excuse me, is this the train to______?'
    'Yeah'
    'By the way, when did they make these paper tickets?'
    'I don't know'
    'Just I've moved back here from living abroad and I remember they used to have card tickets.'
    'I just do everything online.'
    'Yeah I guess that's the way things will be in the future' (lame comment from me here)

    And that was it. I didn't think she wanted to chat anyway.

    So there you go...3 short ones. But not bad considering I wasn't really in a social mood. When I have interactions like this I don't expect everyone to respond with gleeful comments like, 'High five man! You had a less than 1 min exchange with a woman on a train!' But I do think that keeping open to the possibility of small talk is important and many small interactions that go nowhere can still be good in the sense that you aren't dismissing the idea of approaching. If you keep doing it, good interactions will come. Even if they don't come at all, there is a possibility they might whereas the chance is 0 if you say nothing. Just staying open to it, even after possibly hundreds of failures, gives you a chance.

    In my view, actually doing approaches keeps the mind open in a way that just considering them does not. You keep your mind open to it, there will be a time where you try and the conditions hit right. It's basically like surfing. You have to be there in the ocean on the board ready to ride the wave. Chances are you'll miss it or fall off - but you're in with a better shot than the person who is at home watching Netflix instead.

    67/100
     
    Last edited: May 5, 2021
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  11. Kowe

    Kowe Fapstronaut

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    Today was a weird day and I have very mixed feelings about my results.

    Alright, the first one was on a park bench. My opener was to look at her drink and say 'excuse me, is that a good drink?' Then I start rambling comparing iced tea to hot drinks. The girl is firing questions at me quite quickly. For example, when I mention living abroad she asked, 'where?' When I mentioned coming back to the Uk she said 'why?' When she said she was a University student I used my 'woah, that's a different subject to what I studied' and she asked me what I studied. Eventually, she asked my age and I revealed my it (over 30). She was pretty shocked.

    I did not ask for her number, but what I said was this...

    'Well, if you want to hang out sometime...' before I could finish the sentence she said. 'You're over 30, so no sorry.' This girl was 19 years old.

    I don't know...maybe this is pretty weird to type up here. To be honest, I fully expected this rejection but I just did it to know for sure. I wasn't that into her and I can't really ever imagine a situation where I go out with a 19 year old. I felt pretty strong shame walking away. What the hell? Are you some sort of creep approaching 19 years old girls in the park? But on the other hand, she was a pleasant enough woman and 19 isn't illegal. My last girlfriend was 23 years old. I personally dated a 30 year old woman when I was 21. I dated a 23 year old when I was 16. It isn't THAT weird to me. But 11 years is quite a lot, it has to be said.

    So a while later I am in the supermarket and I see a big and beautiful girl. Insanely attractive to me, I have to say. But because she was on the bigger side, I hoped that might give me a chance.

    I open with, 'excuse me, is there a bigger supermarket near here?'
    She answers my question. But I struggled to ramble on the topic. I said random stuff like, 'I am looking for a place with more food' *face palm*
    She didn't walk away though! She stood there and showed no rush to leave. I managed to get on joke in about this cheap UK based supermarket when I said, 'yeah they don't have corn flakes but they probably have an original brand called 'Flakes of Corn' and that got a laugh. I'm happy to land an improvised laugh with a total stranger. I kept it going for a pretty long time and eventually she told me about her job and we talked a bit about that.
    I dropped bait a few times about living abroad and moving to the Uk recently, but she did not ask me a question. Eventually, she said, 'sorry I couldn't help you more' and left. Easily my best indoor approach so far, but I was disappointed that I wasn't able to get her contact info. It didn't feel right to just dive in for it and my most recent failure was very much fresh in my mind holding me back.

    69/100
     
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  12. ruso

    ruso Fapstronaut

    3/100:

    Im realizing that bars and clubs where there’s people my age or a little younger have the most approachable attractive women. Duh ruso. Even with competition few actually approach new women. Said hi to a bunch, only made convo with 1.

    Intro exchange:

    Me: “Nice tatoo” pointing to her arm
    Her: smiled and and said “thanks”.
    Me: “What tatoo shop nearby did you get the tatoo from”
    Her: “Um..”
    Me: Shaking my head, “What a weird question, let’s start over I’m ruso what’s your name?”
    Her: “Haha, actually it was interesting, I’m ____”
    Me: “cool, cool. What’s your nationality you seem hispanic”
    Her: “I’m from ____ “
    Me: “NO WAY I’m from there!”

    From there we talked a few short minutes of how difficult it is to find people from our countries etc. then she said in Spanish that she’ll be right back carrying some food, and *Poof* vanished before I can talk to her a bit more and get her contact info. The vibe was very much on point, good times. Must remember to remember women’s names. I got no idea of her name lol.
     
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  13. Kowe

    Kowe Fapstronaut

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    Good stuff. I would say there was nothing weird about that question and your response telegraphed some insecurity. You might have the problem I have where you default to self-deprecation, but I don't think women like it. They prefer confidence.

    You don't need the name immediately. Though one good sign is if you ask for the name and they ask yours back. But I'd say after you had talked about the shared country, you could have asked for the name then.

    I try to avoid asking them any questions until they ask at least one about me - showing they have some interest. Otherwise, it can seem too forward and invasive. This goes against some schools of thought saying people love talking about themselves and good listeners. That is generally the case, but not when it comes to chatting with strangers in the middle of the day. In my view, you need to first present yourself as someone who is chatty and try to get them interested in you through that.
     
  14. ruso

    ruso Fapstronaut

    Interesting, the self depreciation actually was a joke to myself to cut the shit and go for what I want, meaning I still came off confident and self depreciation isn’t something I do often. By below do you mean, you try not to ask any questions about them? Agreed on that being invasive, depends on the situation I guess. I do though, need to practice just talking about the surroundings more.

    I try to avoid asking them any questions until they ask at least one about me - showing they have some interest. Otherwise, it can seem too forward and invasive.
     
  15. Kowe

    Kowe Fapstronaut

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    Yeah, my general rule is no personal questions until they ask one to me first. Of course, after that I ask questions. But I also gauge the situation and if they do not respond with a question back it's a clear sign she has no interest.
     
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  16. Kowe

    Kowe Fapstronaut

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    One thing that came to mind today when I was thinking about cold approaching was the argument of this:
    'ugh, I don't want to be one of those guys who is faking it and running off a script!'
    But in a way by not cold approaching, by doing nothing, aren't you also being kind of an actor? Just your role is an extra in a silent film!

    I went to a different city today, a much bigger one that I have thus far been approaching in.

    Started out with a girl walking side by side. Asked where the bank was and she gave me directions. Was too weird to keep things going because as I said, she was alongside me and it felt unfair as it wasn't really giving her a chance to walk away if she wanted. So I let that pass.

    Next one was in a book shop. I picked up a copy of 'Hamnet' and said,
    'Excuse me, is this a good book?'
    'I don't know, I haven't read it'
    'I heard it's about Shakespeare's wife'
    'Yeah'

    End of interaction because she walked away.

    Next I went into a shopping mall. I walked up to a girl standing near a map of the mall and said,
    'Excuse me, do you know where the toilets are?'
    'I think they're over there'
    'Right. I'm not sure because this place is so big.'
    'Yeah I think they're over there'
    'Okay I guess I'll try.'
    'Yeah'
    'This place is...monolithic.'

    Then her mother arrived. Anyway, it was going nowhere and I don't think you can get a number from opening with anything to do with toilets.

    I then went back to the book shop again and tried this,
    'Excuse me, do you know if there's a library near here?'
    'Yeah I think there's one_________'
    'Right, it's just I can't find the book I was looking for.'
    'Okay'
    'See I'm not from this area so I don't know it well.'
    'Right.'
    'Yeah though this is bigger than the book shop where I'm from'
    'Yeah, it's not that big really,'
    'I guess I could just look online'
    'Yeah you could. Have you tried around there?'
    'Those are just comic books'
    'No, there are other books.'
    'Oh okay I'll check it out.'
    'Hope you find it!'

    A few moments later I was standing in the area this woman had directed me to in front of all the Stephen King books. I said,
    'Excuse me, have you read many Stephen King books?' (I'm actually quite happy with this as an opener and I think it could be adaptable. Like in front of the classics section - 'excuse me, have you read many classics?)
    No, I haven't. Have you?
    No, I've just read The Stand, Misery. I know a lot of them from movies
    'Yeah'
    The stand might be longest book I've read. It's over 1,000 pages
    Yeah it takes a lot
    I've heard about this Dark Tower series
    Yeah I've heard of that one
    But there are so many it would be quite an investment
    Yeah right
    I don't usually read sci-fi or horror. Actually, I've been reading more literature from other countries. I used to live abroad so I read a lot of Japanese literature
    That's cool
    Yeah I read this book called Convenience Store woman by Sayaka Murata. It's about this woman who works in a convenience store. Slice of life type stuff. Probably that's my favorite type of literature.
    I've heard of that. Have you read woman in the Dunes?'
    Yeah. I've read that. It's by Abe Kobo
    I forgot the name
    He also wrote a book called Box Man about a guy who walks around with a box on his head
    Oh right okay
    Yeah it's kind of surreal stuff. Like Kafka. Sometimes I like stuff like that and sometimes I like conventional storytelling. Dickens. Stuff like that.
    I've been reading Oscar Wilde
    I just know him from some famous quotes. I've never read The Picture of Dorian Grey
    You should
    Yeah it's on my reading list. Have you been reading a lot lately?
    Not so much. I'm going back to university soon. Studying English. So I need books for the course.
    English literature?
    Yeah
    Oh cool. I studied that too
    No surprise there.
    Yeah. We studied it through all the different time periods. The victorian period, the romantic period, stuff like Shakespeare. How's your course structured?
    I don't know yet. I start next year. I think we'll be studying some plays, I need to read more.
    Yeah but reading plays is kind of weird. I mean they're meant to be seen. Though I do remember in school when we studied Shakespeare it was better when we watched the Romeo and Juliet movie with Di Caprio in it. Just made it easier to get into.
    Yeah
    I didn't study around here though. I studied in a different city (this was supposed to be bait but she didn't bite)
    Yeah
    I don't read much Fantasy either. Just the Game of Thrones series.
    Yeah that's popular
    People recommend The Witcher as well.
    I've only seen the series.
    Yeah I heard it's good. I'm actually going back to Uni soon myself
    Oh yeah? Are you doing a masters?
    No, I'm doing a vocational course
    Oh (another bad sign. If she was interested she would have said...what are you studying?)
    Do you think you'll do a masters? (stupid question to ask someone who hasn't even started university yet)
    I don't know. I might go abroad and teach English
    I did that.
    Would you recommend it?
    Yeah. It's a great way to learn about new cultures. I lived in South East Asia
    Cool (again, no question like...where?)
    I'm not from this area. This book shop is way bigger than the one in my city.(again, no question like 'where are you from?)
    You should go to the London one! That's even bigger
    I should. I've actually been looking for this book called The Moviegoer. It won the National Book Award in 1960, but I can't find it here or on my kindle.
    That's strange. Amazon has everything!
    Yeah. I guess I can find it online. What book did you buy there?
    Oh this? Its_________. I think it will be quite intense.
    I think I've seen that on goodreads.
    Yeah it has a 4.35 rating.
    Nice. Yeah I use goodreads. For a while I started to review every book I read, but it was hard to keep up
    Yeah
    But it's a good site.
    Yeah, it's useful. Well, it was nice talking to you!
    You too. Good luck with your studies!

    So there you go. That's all I remember? Probably around 10 minutes total. I should also mention it got super uncomfortable where one of the staff was standing right next to us stacking shelves. But I felt like he was just hanging around eavesdropping. He told me to put my mask on at one point and I'm sure he wanted to say, 'hey, stop socializing in the book shop!'

    This was a pleasant little chat. But the girl was probably 18 years old so a little young for me and she didn't bite on any bait, so I just left it as a conversation.

    Then I went back to the station and sat on a chair. I said to the girl next to me,
    'Excuse me, what train are you getting?'
    'I'm not getting one. I'm waiting for someone'
    'Oh just mine has been cancelled
    Oh no
    'Yeah. Good job I got this seat though. You have to be fast
    Yeah you have to be fast

    She was again on the younger side and also she was waiting for her boyfriend. So I started doing some writing at this point.

    Then a woman sat next to me. At one point she looked a bit angry and muttered 'shit' under her breath so I said
    'Excuse me, was you train cancelled?'
    'No, it's the Wi-Fi. It won't connect!'

    Then for the next 30 minutes we had a chat about her coming to the UK from a country I hadn't even heard of (Belize) and staying with her cousin and leaving her family behind. She told me she wanted to leave soon possibly even in a few days, so I kind of gave up on her as a target but still enjoyed the company all the same. Though I noted that she did not mention her husband when she talked about her kids at home whom she missed. Maybe I should have just gone for it! It was a fun chat and a lot of the time we were observing people walking past and making commentary on the clothes they wore or the abundance of Primark shoppers or a guy who bought a flower or a couple holding hands. Just fun casual chatting as if I was with a friend. But maybe because I'd relaxed and thought 'no way am I going for the number here' I was able to just enjoy things for what they were.

    This interaction only happened because my train was cancelled and I'm glad it was for it made my trip more memorable!


    76/100

    One other one which I will not count was when I walked up to a woman and asked 'excuse me, where is_____ station?' She blanked me. I think she heard though. I already counted a slightly dodgy toilets opener, so I won't count this one.

    Defo being in a new city was good and refreshing for the challenge. Maybe if I lived in the area I'd be afraid of doing 3 openers in the same book shop in case the staff caught on?

    However, it can also feel more defeatist because I realise that even if I got the contact info, the logistics of meeting again would be harder.

    I am glad to be on the home stretch now! Can't wait for this damn challenge to be over. But maybe I'll miss it when it's done?
     
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  17. PanteriMauzer

    PanteriMauzer Fapstronaut

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    How can you memorize all your conversations? You have an excelent memory
     
  18. ruso

    ruso Fapstronaut

    6/100

    For this one I’d like advise please.

    As I was walking my dog I saw an attractive woman in middle of parking lot with her dog, playing with the dog or trying to make it walk.

    Exchange: from a few feet away I said “Hey, good morning!” She responded with “Hi!” I said “are you teaching your dog to walk?” She said “No he broke his leg, we came back from the vet” then I immediately asked for her name (which was Alexa and Ofcourse I had to mention the Amazon product, and that made her laugh), found out she’s a neighbor on the building right next to mines, and then since I saw she wasn’t looking right at me, I still had my dog which is really playful and didn’t want to scare of her just-out-of-the-vet-dog. So I just said “Well I hope your dog feels better” which she just said “thank you!” still preoccupied with her dog.

    I feel like I could have said more things about her dog, or anything really to make a stronger connection any suggestions?

    What I need to work on, is not the approaching. It’s what happens after, where I just think “Get Number. Go on Date”. And that just makes me loose all interest in any chit chat.
     
    Last edited: May 10, 2021
  19. Kowe

    Kowe Fapstronaut

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    First off, how did you go up to 6?

    Also, just say what comes to your mind on the topic of dogs. Maybe talk about your breed of dog/your experience training it/why you bought a dog/accessories you need or want/good and bad features of your dog/places nearby to buy things for your dog/any books or tips you have read for taking care of your dog...there is so much to talk about on this topic!
     
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  20. Kowe

    Kowe Fapstronaut

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    I am going to do my best not to merely beat myself up about today's approaches even though they all went badly.

    So the first one, I was sat on a bench and I said,

    'Excuse me, what breed of dog is that?'
    'It's a Yorkshire terrirer border collie'
    'Aw, he's cute'
    'He is now but he used to be a terror'
    'I just bought a puppy actually'
    'Aww'
    'How old is your dog?'
    '3 years'
    'He's walking quite well now.'
    'Yeah, he is now'

    She walked away. She actually walked past me almost immediately and barely stopped to answer my question. She also answered the 'how old...?' question with her back turned.

    Later, someone was standing by my side as the traffic lights,
    I said, 'excuse me, is there a pet shop near here?'
    'Yeah it's_________'
    'Oh I was walking there earlier, but I couldn't find it'
    Then we talked a bit about my dog and why I wanted a harness instead of a leash. She ended it because she wanted to walk into a shop.

    Finally, I was on the train platform,
    I said, 'excuse me, is the next train to_______'
    'Yeah'
    'Just I saw downstairs there is no train on this platform'
    'No, that's the next train'
    'Okay thanks'

    I thought about saying a few more lines but I opted against it.

    79/100

    Negative thoughts:

    The sheer volume of decent chances I let slip today was maddening! I saw a cute woman with a bicycle. Why couldn't you just say 'excuse me, is that a good bike?' Because she had earphones in? And she might not hear? And maybe she was too young? And people were listening? Arghh!

    And what about that hot Asian girl? She might have even been Japanese? But you blew it! You didn't have an opener ready. You should have just gone for it. You said you would if there was a sign. No sign is coming. You idiot!

    And several others you made quick eye contact with but couldn't do it. You overthought it all. You overcomplicated things. You think your openers are too fake and you don't want to lower yourself to that. What a waste man. What a waste!

    And when you did act? You let it slide! You did the hard part and backed away yourself out of fear. Too many half measures with you man, that's your problem. You're in the paddling pool with this challenge!

    Positive thoughts:

    At the very least, you gave it a try. You faced your fears. You kept those social neural pathways strong. You went against the voice in your head at least a few times. Maybe you're just easing into things after a weekend with 7 approaches in a single day. You were ruminating so hard on the 'failures' or the ones that got away but you DID eventually try other approaches. That's better than doing nothing. Maybe today's frustrating experience might will you on to taking more risks next time.
     
    Last edited: May 11, 2021
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