100 Cold Approaches

Interesting take.

But besides the metaphysical realm which you tend to explore, there is also the material realm. Sure, we can philosophize endlessly about concepts like fear and rejection, doing so doesn’t make the act of approaching more tangible. Your reflections may resonate with men who already did a few hundreds of approaches. For the beginner however, who isn’t an active participant yet, these words won’t spur him into action. Maybe that’s because I’m a pragmatist. I do believe that bridges can’t only be build on the basis of (meta)physics. There is such a thing as engineering. You can’t deny reality.

You can disagree with the concept of considering behavioural ‘do’s and don’ts’ in order to increase your chances. But when you are approaching, you’re already doing the very act that is increasing your chance of getting something. There will always be a voice in the subconscious that will dictate you to utter certain words - even if you identify yourself as a man of pure honesty. You’re still considering certain techniques to keep you from drowning when you’re jumping into the water. And there is nothing wrong with that!

‘Creating a certain image.’ Well, there is a reason I don’t go up to a woman asking her if she wants to have sex with me… I guess I might as well cut to the chase and break all social boundaries that exist in a civilized society, you could argue that this is pure honesty and that it is something that women will appreciate (I sincerely doubt it). But I know you’re not alluding to such scenario. In a sense ‘game’ is just a tool to increase your chance of meeting a woman. You may disagree with the fact that I’m first creating an image to make sure she doesn’t think I’m a scammer but just a guy who wants to have a chat. That’s just what humans do when participating in a society. You present yourself in the most favorable way when you are doing a job interview. Sure, I can blatantly state that I’m just in it for cold hard cash and I don’t care about the company’s history at all. And when I won’t get the gig I can be like “Well, at least I’m at peace with myself and the fact that I’m doing things wrong!”. It’s just not pragmatic…

‘Bringing unconditional love.’ Unconditional love is something a mother has for her child. When I see a pretty girl I wouldn’t mind getting intimate with, then I would qualify that sentiment as ‘attraction’ rather than ‘love’. If I went up to a girl to say that I’m in love with her and say how fantastic she is, I wouldn’t really be sincere (so there lies the conundrum…) – it may be in your case though. Different strokes for different folks.

 

Good points.

I think it essentially boils down to this: let's say you do 1000+ approaches (which I think you did). Guess what? You're going to be pretty good at approaching women. You will have confidence and you will have your own 'style' because you went through all the trial and error. You went through the learning curve. You faced the adversity.

I do agree to see every situation as dynamic. Approaching like you're reading a script comes off as unnatural. But considering technique: I do believe that women tend to react more favorably to certain behaviors and characteristics than others, unless you are willing to argue that women don't find confidence attractive. Maybe it's more a matter of semantics. 'Technique' evokes an association with manipulation, that you can attain attraction through a sequence of predetermined stratagems. Indeed, it's not like that.

So let's say if I have to give advice to a novice (not that I'm in the position to be a mentor). I wouldn't go as far to say that 'everything is relative'. I would suggest him to work - for example - on his confidence. Well isn't that a 'technique' in a way? Essentially we are making a distinction between actions/behaviors based on a certain set of unspoken rules that can dictate a more desirable outcome. It can be paradoxical, but when you do your honest approaches, you are doing that because that has a higher place in your value hierarchy than let's say to be indirect or to not even approach at all! Sure this may not be a 'technique' in the sense that you are thinking this through like a chess game. But it is a technique in the sense that 'I will do X and not Y because the X matches my personality type". You are more comfortable being honest as it's your style and the way you can convey your value/personality to the girl you want to get to know better.

 

2 approaches today

The first one was a bit special. The sun was shining in the morning so I went to the rooftop of the place where I'm currently living to catch some sun. I saw 2 girls on their balcony of another apartment block. The balcony was located at a much higher level than my roof but they saw me and I saw them. They were too far away to have a decent conversation with but close enough to communicate with. I thought "Well, I'll have to say something!". So I just asked them if they were students. They were open to have a chat but it was hard to understand each other. They went back inside because their door rang.

I went to grab an orange (one side of an orange tree was hanging at the edge of the roof) and the 2 girls reemerged, this time on a balcony of a lower level of the block so it was easier to talk. We chatted a bit and they ask me if I want to grab a coffee (note that I'm in a part of Europe that is known for its spontaneity, I don't think this would ever happen in a country like Germany). So we 3 grabbed a coffee (tea for me at least - remember that I'm a member of the Stoic School!) and had a good chat (the coffee shop was very nearby). Nothing sexual/romantic about it. We went back and when I went in the street of my apartment I suggested to exchange digits. I liked one of the girls although I didn't really make it clear because my suggestion was pretty general, not aiming at one of the two girls.

I was a bit passive at that moment so the girl I liked took her phone so I could enter my phone number. Maybe it would have been better if I took the lead and entered her digits in my phone, but anyways... This did entail some worries: "F#@ck, did I type in the right number or did I make a mistake when entering it because of the nerves?!" But like I said above: don't have any expectations even if you're past the point of getting her number (or if she has yours).

The other approach was in a small library. I was following some classes there and the library had only like 5 people in it - mostly students. Towards the closing hour of the library, there was only one girl studying there. I was in a social mood because I had a bit of a chat with the librarian, who gave me a tea. I packed my stuff in order to leave and walked around a bit with my tea. I walked behind the girl who was studying and I asked her "Excuse me, are you a med student?" because she was studying anatomy. She was so I asked her some questions about med school, how many years she has to study, what she wants to become etc. Not like it had the interview vibe though, she opened up and the chat was casual (and pretty long).

When we were both leaving the building I asked her for some restaurant suggestions. She gave me some tips. I suggested if she wants to hang out and exchange digits. I'm not usually into girls with curly hair and it may be questionable to approach girls you're not super attracted to, I'm still glad I did it and I do have her number.

Total: 86/100

Thanks man! It's a pleasure to hear that some guys are finding value (or entertainment) in this.

Before a guy clicks on this thread and only sees the title of the thread ('100 Cold Approaches'), he may expect that I'm like a major playboy who goes out flirting with hot blondes on the street and get them in to bed after a few days whilst sharing these stories in this thread with some macho talk - although that would be badass. But then they actually read a guy who is just taking the initial steps to overcome approach anxiety and who is slightly getting better at striking up conversations with random girls. This modest suggestion might actually make the idea of approaching more touchable for some guys.

Sure, my ego might like it if I was able to say "Yeah, I already banged 26 girls through this challenge so far!" but that's really not the reason why I started this thread and guys who have such expectations when reading this thread clearly miss the point. There are no shortcuts in life. You can't skip the part where you have to climb the mountain before you're able to have a nice view.

 

1 approach today

It was in the supermarket. I saw a girl walking with a bag of lemons. I thought: "Maybe I should ask her if those are some good lemons.". But I couldn't do it. I got my bottle of water and I saw her again, this time she also had some chicken in her hand. I went to her and asked her:

"Excuse me, is that good chicken?"
"Yes, it's fresh."
"Oh so it's not frozen? I thought this shop imported all the products because it is a foreign shop."
"No no, it's actually fresh. They prepare it here."
"Yeah I ask because I always eat out in this town. I'm considering to start cooking again."
"I personally love to cook."

But that was it. I didn't really know what to say next so I ended it and headed for the checkout. Her statement that she loves cooking may have enabled to talk about the topic of cooking, but I couldn't think of something in the moment. I also noticed that she was blushing during that brief interaction. Men always tend to think that the burden of discomfort when cold approaching only lies on the man. Sure, it's the man's job to initiate contact and face all the fears that it entails, but it's far from the case that girls are perfect conversationalists and indifferent creatures that don't experience emotions like timidity. Something I realized today...

I did some work in the same library again and the girl I opened up with yesterday was studying there again. I greeted her when I arrived but didn't bother striking up a conversation until we both left at the closing hour. We talked for about 5 mins and I eventually suggested to maybe grab a coffee sometime. She said she is down - I will update if something comes out of it.

Total 87/100

 

Nice one, Kowe. Baby steps.

I personally didn't approach today, despite the fact that multiple opportunities have manifested themselves. At one occasion I was walking in a street and I saw an attractive girl walking towards the opposite direction so that I crossed her. I make eye contact with her - she breaks it and looks back. She then even takes a small pause to take her next step - communicating that she is open to talk. But I couldn't do it. I wanted to kick myself in the butt right after this. I probably could have managed a "How are you?". But that invisible wall drops again... She must have thought "What a weak man."

Tomorrow I will approach - hands down. I think one of the reasons I was a bit more reluctant to approach is that I'm currently and actively texting 2 of the girls I met last week through this challenge. One of them is down for a date but she's already showing some signs of flakiness. Moral of the story: keep approaching even if you're getting numbers and you are convincing yourself that this time it's a bingo.

 

So I had my first follow-up date that stems from an approach of this challenge. It was the girl I opened up with in the book store last week (the third approach described in this post). I must say that cold approaching is the hardest part of this type of dating. Sure I had a bit of a nerve in the beginning but when you are getting the approach-to-date, then the biggest hurdle is already behind you. If a cold approach is a freezing shower, then the date is a lukewarm one. So if you are already a man who has faced a lot of rejection through cold approaches then a date really isn't a fearsome experience anymore.

The date went good. In the beginning I was mainly inquiring about her job/passion (acrobatics) so that she did most of the talking. In the beginning, I had a bit of the feeling I was interviewing her. At some point of the conversation she told me that she will do some acrobatics from a skyscraper she pointed at. I couldn't see it from my place so I had to sit next to her (we were sitting in the courtyard of a bar). I stayed at this spot for the rest of the date which made it easier to break the touch barrier.

At this point the conversation is getting more playful. She touches my arm when she laughs and our legs are touching each other. When I'm making sarcastic remarks, I touch her arm/leg. I was a bit reluctant to directly go 'full seduction mode' but at some point I was rubbing her leg and she didn't mind.

After leaving the bar we walked around in the city. It felt a bit like 'just don't fuck it up' because she was laughing a lot, even when I wasn't trying (let alone was) to be funny. I touched her on her back a few times during the walk. At a certain point we split so I could head for my apartment (there is a curfew). I didn't go for a kiss but we hugged and she said that she wanted to meet again tomorrow.

So it took me about 81 approaches (actually more because I didn't count them all) to find a girl I was able to have a date with (besides I think 3 same day meals/drinks). I think some of you guys are actually interested in what happens with the numbers I get so I thought I'd share. I'm not going to make up stories of dates, but when they do occur, it's pretty logical that I'm sharing these too.

In terms of approaches, I did open up with a girl when I was heading for the date. I just asked her where I can find a certain monument although I know exactly where it is located (must be weird from a third person's perspective, I asked a handful of girls now where I can find that monument but I still find myself asking girls where it is, that monument must be hard to find!). I did it partly to get in a social mood but also because in my post of yesterday I said that I would approach no matter what - so it's a bit of an ego thing you could say.

Total: 88/100

 

Thanks man. It is encouraging to know that it is possible (even if she now suddenly flakes). To just use your legs and voice box during the day and make something out of nothing. It is interesting when you realize that society has been telling us that this isn't a possibility. That it's creepy. That we should rely on the social circle or dating apps instead. But once you break through that narrative that has been limiting us throughout our lives, it does reward you with a fresh sense of freedom - like you described.