100 Cold Approaches

Very good mindset man.
There are many women who can hurt you emotionally. You can go on an incredible date and get a message 5 minutes later that it won't go any further. (It happened a lot to me)

I would say it's important to be comfortable enough with yourself to be okay with not needing anyone. To build up some emotional strength. A strength that encourages you to see difficult moments as they are and no longer be trapped in exaggerated emotions.
Getting rejected over and over again and going through difficult times is a really effective way to build that strenght

In any case I would say that not needing women but being able to approach them is key.
Well-being is a cure for the ego. This need to have more.

Women feel when you talk to them to get something or satisfy a desire. Rather than make an authentic encounter.
I have experienced both.
In the first case, it's like being caught in a spiral. Impossible to connect with women. I always wanted to have results to fill a void.
A very long work...

 

Yeah. I have to look at my past experience and realise that I took rejection very hard in the past. I remember going on a date once and it feeling like I'd met the love of my life. We were talking about JD Salinger and had the same taste in movies and I was thinking, this can't be real! I've done it! I'm in love. I was even mentally imagining introducing her to my parents on the first date. I got the kiss close and I was convinced this was the start of something monumental. Then...she didn't reply to any messages after that and I think blocked me from Facebook. It just crushed me. I started thinking that I just couldn't trust women because even if I meet the right person it'll just seem that way at first but be a big load of nothing. Why go through all this suffering required to meet a woman with all that trial and error (mostly error) in the hope of forming a connection when even the ones you feel connected to won't reciprocate and even when they do, they'll flake ultimately? It's just too much.

I am not exaggerating when I say that one date took me out of the dating game for over a year.

But this is my problem - over emotional black and white thinking. It's really bad. I am hoping to change that about myself.

 

Everything that is pure is fragile. You are probably someone who is pure in your way of being. That is a huge strength.

Welcome to the club. Lesson number one I've learned in these 3 years is:

Be your best friend. Take care of yourself like you would take care of your child if you had one.

You get rejected ? GOOD. It's an exersize to see if your well being is dependant on the opinion of others.
You have no results? GOOD. Be at ease with your own presence. Embrace loneliness.
I've been telling myself that every day since.
It's a long way. But I will never go back. Emotionally it's not easy every day. There are ups and downs. But it is an incredible human adventure.

 

you should really write a book or something, might as well make money out of this.

 

I like how you take seemingly negative things and flip them to positives. I have a few that are directly taped right on my wall beside my bed!. Haha one of my favorites is.

"Grief: the healthy progress of letting go"

 

Like that quote
I think that knowing how to accept difficult moments, rejections and taking a step back in the face of adversity is the most important thing.
At the end of the day, no matter what happens, you are still you. If you fail but you feel good whether you fail or not, you will continue no matter what. Rejection and success become secondary. You take action for the action itself, not to achieve something.

Approaching women is social suicide for the brain at first.
The real challenge for me was not to forget myself in order to please. To strengthen myself so that I had such a strong presence that the outside world no longer had any influence on my mental state.

And when that's the case, you're no longer afraid to give unconditionally. You are no longer afraid to show how pure you are. And you want to connect with these women.
Everything that is pure and vulnerable is fragile. Our brain does everything it can to stop us from expressing that. Because we face rejection in a much bigger way if we go talk to a woman by expressing everything we feel, without any filter or expectation.

So we hide behind ego, behind a certain image of ourselves. Because we're afraid of being hurt even more if we show who we really are. Regardless of what others may think of us.

I've always liked to look this fear of rejection in the face. And tell her how much I liked her. My only regret is that I was too hard on myself. I was a perfectionnist.
I love being bad. I like not knowing what to say, being scared, looking like a weird guy. I like to miss things. Because it makes me more human to myself. I like not getting results. Because I learn to love myself before I love others.

Fear of doing things wrong robs us of so many good things in our lives.

I like to think there is no better way to do it. There is what I want and what is good for me and for others. What I feel and not what I want to get.

It sounds crazy, but this process has made me more human towards myself and people.
When I walk down the street, I feel the sun against my face, the wind. The weight of my feet on the ground.
What a pleasure to no longer wonder what to do, how to do it, or if it's going to be good enough. Accepting imperfection, loving it. I believe there is nothing more fulfilling.

For a long time I tried not to be rejected and what worked best rather than what I really wanted.
It's been 3 years but I will continue every day until I'm 30 or older. It's so incredible. I encourage everyone to overcome their fears. It's hard at first, but there is a light at the end.

 

Good news again!

Glad to hear things are continuing to go well.

Do you think you'll see her again soon? And when does you time there come to an end?

 

Right, no that makes sense. If you can stay there then do it. I suppose I'd be worried about the financial side but if you are paying something similar to your student city, then why not?

I long to leave the UK and go on some sort of trip but the only problem is we can't return now without some inhumane and expensive forced hotel stay (which we also would have to pay for).

At least it does appear to be coming to a close now (but that's been said before).

 

So today the sun is shining and make the 2 hour walk to the nearest park (a little insane I know).

On the way there, I go into my local shop again and there is a cute cashier who I have been trying to open with but keep chickening out. Today, I mustered a 'how are you?' though as you can imagine, this did not then descend into a back and forth like dialogue from a Tarantino movie. Just a curt response and then I was back into the guarded shut down shell that is my mind.

I get to the park and do my usual scan for targets. A pair of girls up some stairs on a bench. Can't see what they look like or even how old are they are. And let me be clear, one of my big fears in all this is accidentally cold approaching an underage girl in the park. It's incredibly hard to tell how old girls are these days, in my opinion.

I sit there realising I won't be able to do it. Then, a hot girl and what looks like a man sit on a bench a few rows down from me.

It is only when the man stands up and throws something in the trash I realise she's actually a girl, though not the hottest. The friend, however, is probably about an 8 in this area (7 if you were in a major city like New York).

I walk over to put my coffee cup in the trash and then throw out an,

'excuse me, do you know if there's a bank near here?'

Now, I feel a bad about resorting to this. I said early in this thread I would NOT ask for directions to places I already knew just because I think they see through it.

The not so attractive girl replies then the hot one responds with another bank.

I say thanks.

Then I blurt out an 'I need some cash' - probably not the best thing to say.

Then the not so attractive one gives me directions for yet another bank.

I say thanks again. They go back to staring at their phones. I stand there and then say.

'You see - I just moved here.'

The attractive one says 'That's fun.'

Then I say, 'well, thank you.' And leave while they go back to showing each other pictures on their phones.

I feel hesitant to even list this as a cold approach. I just asked for directions and then made a statement that I'd moved here. But I think I will allow it. However, I do not want to get into the habit of asking for directions because it's disingenuous. Then again, isn't saying something like 'is that a good phone?' when I really don't care also somewhat fake as well? The main point is that asking for directions does not lend itself easily to having a conversation.

I didn't feel great walking away from this. I thought they could tell I was doing it just to talk to them. Basically, I felt guilty. But it's probably better I did this than nothing at all.

I was actually originally planning to do this little story:

'yeah, you see I need some cash because it's my brother's birthday and I'm sending him cash.'
(response)
'Do you think that's a good present?'

However, this seemed way too...personal to say with a total stranger. If you have any thoughts on that as a potential little routine, let me know!

Also, if you don't think this should even count as an approach, I'll remove it and go back down to 2 again.

Anyway...


3/100

 

Congrats man
Just tell the whole truth: you want to go talk to her.
Say you wanted to come and talk to her.
You will be fully congruent with yourself.
She'll know why you're there.
You can easily talk about a lot of things about yourself and about her too.

The real challenge is to decrease the pressure you put on yourself little by little. It's normal to feel like you suck and say things that don't fit.

But in this case, try to find a certain congruence between what you want and what you communicate.
If you think she's pretty, go tell her. I know it's a really difficult exercise to express that. But you'll see how good you'll feel afterwards.
I didn't say it's easy. But the most difficult thing at the beginning is to approach. I mean once you start moving your feet it's done. You've done it.

Step by step.
Try to recognize what you like about a woman you see and go tell her. You don't have to talk to her afterwards. You can leave. It will help you at first. It may even take some of the pressure off to be good or not so good.
Congruence is very important to me.

You're on the right track bro you can be so proud of yourself

 

This is a limiting belief.
You forbid yourself to act in a certain way because you think you are like that. It is precisely because you believe that this behavior and this way of being persists.
If you always want the same results and always be the same, do the same thing over and over again.
But the most difficult thing is to dare to approach a woman. Once you are in front of her, that you say you are looking for the church or that you find her pretty is far from being a ditch.

It wasn't for me too. You will have told me you are going to approach thousands of women in the street in 5 years I will never have believed you. Yet I did. So unimaginable things are possible.

But wanting to go talk to a woman because we like her and ask her where the grocery store is, the latter doesn't make sense. It's good for social anxiety But in terms of social intelligence and congruence it is quite the opposite. If after 100 approaches you haven't changed anything, it's because you don't explore what you're stuck with, maybe out of ego. After 100 approaches you already have some experience and you know how to approach. On the other hand, your limiting mental patterns are still there.
I'm just pointing out a course of action that can allow change and growt .It's positive.

Under no circumstances is it about putting any pressure. And if it is, it's a good thing, the pressure is positive. It doesn't have to be easy. If it were, everyone would do it. So yes, it has to be uncomfortable, otherwise you don't evolve and you repeat the same things for fear of exploring what you think you can't do.

What I meant was that you can talk about the weather or even ask a woman or is this or that building, if you can communicate why you are there at least non-verbally.Or to be someone who is naturally attractive. If not, it's a lack of social intelligence. That's why verbalizing it is important at the beginning. It's a general concept, it's far from being the only one. If you think you can't do it when you've approached 80 girls, more than the majority of men in all their lives on this planet, maybe you underestimate yourself. Think about it.

the concept of social intelligence and congruence is a general and important case. If you know how to approach women but you find yourself constantly asking them where the church is (and they never understand your intentions) when infact you like her, waiting for a sign of interest that most of the time never comes, that make no sense at all. I mean at the beginning It helps but It's important to have a notion of congruence Between what you really want and what you communicate in words and non-verbal communication. It's basic. And it's something that you can work on

Yes, everyone must do according to his or her abilities at the time. But you'll never tell a weightlifter to do the same workout all his life and eat the same amount every day if he wants to progress.
It's the same here. It's a practice. And like every practice, it's important to question it.
If you think you know it all, you are sadly mistaken. Everything you think you know will sooner or later be called into question if you accept this questioning.
3 years approaching women really regularly, every day to be honest, and I know I still have a lot to learn.
On the other hand, when someone says something and I know it's just a false belief, because I've gone through It, I know it's just an excuse for the brain to avoid rejection, which is impossible and non sense. You can't predict what's gonna happen. Si why playing it safe ? Where does this need comes ? For me it was because I wanted to be loved and accepted by everyone. So I was always apologizing when I approached women and I was the little guy who didn't assume why he was there and was always waiting for a miracle. So yes or was a limiting belief. I'm not afraid to admit my insecurities and the things I'm hiding from myself. On the other hand, there are things that I know after having approached 5000 women or more and all the accumulated experience and that I also have the right to share it.

You think you are very introverted or extroverted, unable to hold a conversation or whatever. But that's what you think. Not all your friends and family perceive you in the same way. You don't see yourself the same way today as you did five years ago. You won't see yourself the same way five years from now. You think you are like that and you are precisely because you believe in it. And it prevents you from exploring something else.
It's just perceptions. Test new things, and realize it's not a big deal.

pressure, questioning, pain, challenge, all if these things brings much more positive and fulfillment in the long run than avoiding uncomfortable situations and playing it safe.

Yes it is difficult. I'm not going to talk to him like a child who wants his cuddly toy. If he wants to change, I'm here to talk about the long term, because it concerns me and because I love this process and share what I've learned. If it's just for fun and challenge, I apologize and I will share it with others who need and are interested in the process.

 

So much anger man, why? I'm just sharing things in no way I'm saying you should act this way or that way.

I am disappointed. All your posts were very respectful and even very well argued. This is far from being the case for this one.
Don't waste your time. I don't share this with people who are in denial.
And who set themselves a billion limits. Although it's not meant to judge. If you feel attacked it is because it awakens something in you. So I'm glad I made you react this way. You will surely be able to progress on this!
Above all, I think you can't stand that someone has a different vision from yours or is more experienced. Even if it's a stranger. We all have our insecurities.

I have never talked about my results with women on this forum. I have always wanted to share what I know to help others in a caring way. You can't stand it, too bad for you, I will continue if I want.

To answer your poorly argued post, you can't build a house if you don't have a solid foundation.
There are concepts such as intent that are necessary. Simple things that you can put in place to progress quickly. Instead of always doing the same thing over and over again.
I'm not saying you have to do that. You do what you want to do. So don't make me say what I didn't say.
It's not the only one. But without intent it's impossible. How can you let the baker know you want bread if you don't communicate that to her?

When someone says something totally wrong, I let them know, whether they like it or not.
I don't care what you think of me. I've been rejected a thousand times in my life. These things don't hurt at all anymore. I just love to help others and share what I learned in a genuine way.

 

I already stated I had my reservations about asking for the directions and was not planning on doing that again so to act like you're giving me a truth bomb by letting me know that's not a great way to open is a little odd.

I am going to be brutally honest and state that I did one thing okay in the interaction: I dropped a piece of bait 'I just moved here' which she did respond to on some level (albeit with not much interest at all)

That was the only thing that stopped it from being quite honestly a bit fraudulent and I think it's taking advantage of the kindness of strangers a little bit to ask for help but secretly be wanting a chat. I have already posted that I feel guilty about this so again, you don't need to come in and say 'by the way man, you could do that 100 times and you won't grow' since I am already aware of this.

I am not asking you to treat me with kid gloves but I think you can already tell I'm pretty hard on myself when it comes to these interactions. I don't come in here demanding everyone give me a high five because I asked for directions to a place that I know exactly how to get to.

It was better than absolutely nothing - that's all I can really say about this approach.

 

Thanks man.

You're right - there is a need to see the funny side in all this. Why can't we approach life as a bit of a joke sometimes? Lord knows there are enough deadly serious things in this world that a little uncomfortable awkward chat (which by the way, I will end as soon as it becomes clear they despise it) really isn't that bad on the scale of things.

I think I have this thing of holding myself back and trying to be 'normal' which is good to a point, but then maybe if I pushed a bit more (without asking any personal questions of them of course) I'd show my personality better.

I will have to try a supermarket opener at some stage.