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102 Days No PM

Discussion in 'Success Stories' started by JamesTheSquirrel, Dec 31, 2019.

  1. Apologies very long post!

    I want to start this post by saying that I still think everything is a work in progress and that I've definitely made mistakes along the journey so far but overall my whole life is in a much better place. I've made it to 102 days though and I think it's worth summarising where I was in my life, the things that have happened both good and bad, and my plans going forward.

    The start:

    I'm a 24 year old PhD student from the UK. Been married for a year and a half, and in a relationship for 6 years. I started PMO when I was 11-12. About 3 months into our relationship I told her I thought I used to have a problem with P despite still being an addict. A year into my relationship with my wife I stopped watching P following discussions with her as it was getting in the way of our sex life. I stopped P for a year but still MO'd and I never fully let go. I relapsed, went back to PMO, repeatedly lied to her about it and almost singlehandedly destroyed our relationship. I was a terrible husband and I wasn't there to support her while she dealt with a lot of serious life events including surgery. Things were a complete mess. She was crying a lot, had lost all self confidence and was seriously considering leaving me. Sex was rare and poor when it actually happened. I was selfish, we only had sex if she initiated and I would focus on my own pleasure, in 6 months I gave her 1 O. It had been years since I would initiate and was selfishly satisfying myself. She had given up trying after years of neglect. I had promised time and time again to do better and never fully admitted to myself how bad things were, or that it was my actions that were causing the issues. My wife didn't trust me and regularly asked if I'd been using P. I lied to her face and gaslit her.

    I finally came clean about it 102 days ago after my wife confronted me with stories from the partners of other PA's saying that my behaviour aligns exactly with current PA's. I denied it again, and she left me with her phone to read the stories. I finally came clean. She grabbed my phone and immediately came to the sign up page here. Told me if I ever wanted to recover any relationship with her I had to stop P, had to sign up to NoFap and be active in the community here. I began my NoFap journey and after a series of ups and downs I am here today.

    My initial targets:

    - 90 days no PMO

    - Stop PM for good

    - Regularly post on NoFap

    - Become someone I could be proud of

    - Win back my wife and save our relationship

    The good:

    - 102 days PM free. Despite my initial 90 day PMO goal, things progressed faster than expected with my wife and I O'd from sex. During this time I've done a 31 and a 26 day PMO streak with other shorter attempts in between that were broken by sex. This is the longest I've gone without M ever.

    - My relationship. The trust is still damaged but overall our relationship is in a substantially better place (better than when we got married). We are actually planning for our future again and feeling very in love. We are spending a lot more time being couply and I'm actively putting effort in. I've actually planned dates for us to go on and am generally feeling more present. I feel like we have recaptured some of the feeling that we used to have at the start of our relationship. We are hugging and kissing more and I actually feel arousal again. I'm appreciating everything about my wife: her beauty, her kindness, her wit. It is honestly amazing to see how far we have come in such a short space of time

    - Sex. I always had issues with DE and at times was unable to finish at all. I suffered with a lack of sensitivity and as time went on I developed issues achieving and maintaining an erections. It took a while before the morning wood returned consistently. My sensitivity has improved massively to the point where I have no difficulty achieving O even wearing a condom. At times things have even verged on being premature. I was able to O from oral sex for the first time, and can now also finish from my wife's hands. Sex is overall so much more passionate and intimate. I'm less focused on the O and just enjoying the feeling. In the past month we've had sex more times than we did in the previous year. I'm also able to get my wife to O almost every times and afterwards a lot more happy to cuddle. The brain fog is less bad and I feel very satisfied.

    - Fitness. I have tried exercise plans before and never really stuck to them. I've been following an online program and completed a 30 day set of bodyweight exercises. I'm over half way through another program and in the best shape of my life. I'm not quite where I want to be yet but I have significantly more muscle mass and toning. It's a real positive looking at myself and feeling strong. My wife certainly hasn't complained either!

    - Facial hair. I'm not sure if it's the increase in testosterone from the exercise or NoFap or something else but my beard has become a lot less patchy!

    - Personal hygiene. This is still a work in progress. I've always had greasy skin and been prone to spots. I've actually gotten into a routine of cleaning my face each night. Overall I'm less spotty but I do have bad times particularly when I am stressed. I still need to work on keeping my beard trimmed and tidy. There are a few other things such as keeping my fingernails trimmed that I am still a bit lax on as well.

    - NoFap posting. I've written a journal every day since starting out. I've had a lot of support from the community and made some good friends along the way. Sadly some of those I got to know no longer post on the forum. I still think about them sometimes and wonder how they are doing. I got a bit lax with supporting others but recently I've tried to pick that back up. It's been a real positive for me reading the stories of others, and feeling that my support and advice is helpful to them.

    - Phone use. I've quit Reddit and Instagram. I used Reddit for P and I've been triggered by photos from Instagram. There was no justifiable reason to continue using them. I've stopped using my phone as much in general. None of it was adding anything to my life and it was just distracting me from important things. I'm a lot more present when I'm having conversations with my wife and feel happier for it. I've also stopped using incognito tabs which were a big problem in terms of hiding my actions.

    - Coming out. I've struggled for a long time with my sexuality. I've finally come to terms with the fact that I'm bisexual and admitted that to my wife, my mum and a couple of my closest friends. It has long been a source of shame for me. I don't know what influence P has had on this but I don't think it's important. I just need to be comfortable in myself going forward and accept it. Hiding it caused me no good at all.

    - Mental health. I started my journey not long after coming out of a spate of bad depression that left me off of work for 2 months. I'm not going to pretend everything is perfect now but I do feel a sense of renewed purpose in life. I'm more motivated at work and I feel an overall sense of contentment.

    Significant events:

    - 3 weeks in the USA. My wife and I went on holiday touring the North East with a friend of mine coinciding with another friends wedding. This was very soon after I started my NoFap journey so was tense at times, especially as in some places the 3 of us shared hotel rooms. By the end of it things had thawed between my wife and I. We like America, and have visited several times now. It also holds some special memories as we got married there.

    - Pregnancy scare. Shortly after getting back from the holiday we had our very first pregnancy scare. It was a confusing time. Over the space of a few days we went from panic to actually being disappointed that my wife wasn't pregnant. It has massively reinforced that we do want a future with each other. It also has put kid(s) more in our vision of the future, possibly sooner rather than later. It's a slightly terrifying thought but it given me even more motivation to become a better man.

    Things that still need improving:

    - Lying. I continued to compulsively lie to my wife throughout much of my recovery process, about my actions as an addict. It took multiple times of disclosure to fully get everything out in the open and each time I hid things or downright lied. It wasn't until day 90 that I admitted more lies to her. I thought I could hold onto those lies but the guilt of it weighed heavily on me. I am committed to being honest going forward but I need to hold myself to that.


    - Willpower. I still lack willpower at times particularly when it comes to unhealthy food. I demonstrated this being back at my parents for Christmas and far too easily picked at sweets and chocolates. My wife's about to do an elimination diet to see if it helps with her illness and I'm going to stick with her through that. There will also be tests coming up where I will have extended periods alone at home and I need to have willpower not to relapse.

    - Complacency. This is more something for the future but I need to avoid getting complacent. Sure I am doing well now but I'm only at the start of the journey. It was after a year of no P that I relapsed previously. I need to keep on going, posting here and staying conscious of my actions.

    - Housework. A minor one but I'm still failing to keep on top of the housework. I've gotten better but the washing up still piles up. It would make life a lot less stressful to just get on top of things but I haven't quite got their yet.

    - Initiation. The sex is a lot better now but I'm still not doing enough to seek it out. I have actually started initiating at times but there is still a disconnect between arousal and sex in my head. I also need to improve the way I initiate but the only way to do that is to practice!

    - Social. I still don't have any real friends in the city that I live in, they all live about 2 hours away by where I grew up. I need to work on expanding my social circle.

    Targets for the future:

    - Short term: Continue with no PM for a further 90 days on top of my initial reboot (total 180)

    - Mid Term: be PM free for as long as I lied about being P free (4 years)

    - Long term: No PM ever again

    - No more lies


    My advice:

    - Don't look back. When you start this journey you have to enter it with the mindset that you are going to stop for good. There is no final time. I used to look back on my time using P with a messed up kind of reminiscence.

    - Think about all of the negatives of PMO. Not just how it's affected you personally but the negatives of the industry. The P industry literally makes money out of children viewing and becoming addicted to their content, and they don't care. The people in P are real people with real lives, a lot of them are exploited or suffer from poor mental health. It isn't glamourous. Using P is effectively just watching some prostitutes have sex. I was at the stage where I would rather PMO than have sex, looking back I see quite how warped that was, and that I'd much rather have sex with someone I love, who loves me back and share that intimacy together.

    - Do not lose sight of your goals. The only way to overcome this is to be committed and actively seek to become a better version of yourself. This is far more than quitting PMO, make positive changes across the board. What these are is up to you but everyone has something they can do better.

    - Finally make the most of life. Within the last 18 months my wife has developed severe chronic pain and has been diagnosed with a health condition that has no cure. I have to live with the fact that I wasted so much of the last pain free years of her life. You never know what is going to happen in life, don't waste it hurting yourself or those around you.
     
  2. Congratulations man, I appreciated reading your story for my own personal growth.
     
    JamesTheSquirrel likes this.
  3. Booksandtrees

    Booksandtrees Fapstronaut

    Very powerful story and I'm so sorry to hear about the medical prognosis of your wife. I think I can learn a lot from this. I keep saying I'll stop but not caring if I do because I enjoy porn so much. I don't even want to talk to women because I'd rather just masturbate. It's terrible. I think you've learned a lot of introspection here and you're on a good path.

    The other thing is I also have no friends. I think all of us need friends. It's important. Do your best to find some activities you enjoy in the city like a music class, exercise class, or something to keep you involved with some sort of community where you can make friends. It's a good practice for sure. Sounds like you've done a lot of soul cleansing. Be proud of it.
     
    JamesTheSquirrel likes this.
  4. Congrats on all you’ve achieved, and for your honesty in your self-assessment. I’m sure this attitude will lead to continued growth! Lots of lessons for the rest of us in here. Happy New Year!
     
    JamesTheSquirrel likes this.
  5. Thanks for sharing this inspiring success story. As you know I’ve followed you since you came here on NoFap earlier this year. I’m proud of all of the hard work you’ve put in and all of the discoveries you’ve made. You are becoming an honest man and you are gaining back the respect of your wife. Your story is what we’re all hoping to achieve - a better life and improved relationships. Keep up the good work!
     
    JamesTheSquirrel likes this.
  6. The alone time you are about to have will be a very difficult time. Plan ahead, get a family member or r trusted friend to come stay with you, everyone needs an external help. That has been my problem, I live alone and the times I do not masturbate are the times that I have people over. You can still make it through alone if you are determined, but it becomes easier if you have another person around, that person need not to know.
     
    JamesTheSquirrel likes this.
  7. Thanks everyone for the support and kind words. It feels good to know that my story might help other people.

    @Booksandtrees, thanks for the kind words regarding my wife's illness. It's tough to see how much pain she is in but at least I can now offer her more support than I have done previously.

    I am making a conscious effort to increase my social circle and hopefully that will lead to some actual friendships forming.

    @Jefe Rojo, thank you for all of your support and advice throughout my journey. You've been a great supporter and I hope I can repay back some of that support to you.

    @Survivor Wars, thanks for the advice. I ideally want to get to the point where I can trust myself not to relapse just because I'm on my own. I've done a couple of evenings here and there since I started so I'm feeling more prepared but I appreciate that it will be a challenge for me.
     
    Booksandtrees and Jefe Rojo like this.
  8. omerico2121

    omerico2121 Fapstronaut

    Gratz on reaching 102! Seems like you've got on a road. I totally agree with you about the honesty part. Whenever I'm dishonest I feel like I'm trying to hine and I'm not myself, just like when I'm watching P.
     
    JamesTheSquirrel likes this.
  9. PeaceOnEarth108

    PeaceOnEarth108 Fapstronaut

    Wow, thank you for sharing! That was quite helpful for us, I think. I'm glad I read it. Good luck on your further journey! Sad to hear about your wife's condition. But it's brightening that you seen to handle this quite well. It seems you are aware that desease and death are natural parts of life.

    Thank you :)
     
    JamesTheSquirrel likes this.

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