105 days and still can't get hard and have sex... Why ???!

Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by ADC, Nov 16, 2014.

  1. ADC

    ADC Fapstronaut

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    Hello everybody

    Seems like yesterday was an important lesson for me. I understood 105 days of Hardmode NoFap couldn't resolve my problems in the bed, or I feel like it can't.
    I wrote everything here but I'm going to copy/paste it :
    http://www.nofap.org/forum/showthread.php?19611-ADC-s-Journal/page4

    Seriously I don't understand. 105 days and almost no progress. When I was 19 I tried to have sex with a girl. I couldn't get hard at all. Yesterday it was the second time of my whole life I tried, and could get hard until I put a condom and go inside her. Then nothing. I don't understand cause I read a lot of stuff about the PIED problem and almost every guy say after abstaining a lot (isn't 105 days a lot ?) everything was going back to normal for them.

    Could it be stress ? Did this ever happened to you guys ? Cause I swear everything was perfect until I put the condom, and I didn't even feel stressed during the act.
     
  2. tomtom

    tomtom Fapstronaut

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    I'm sorry to hear about that. I am not in the same position as you are, I got rid of my PIED quite quickly so I don't have any definite answers or even first hand experience about your problem. I am a much older guy and managed to have regular person-to-person sex for years before I got hooked on P, so that may explain it.

    It could be the stress or it could be the act of putting on a condom. Even though I know the benefits of using a condom I much preferred P without them. Typically I would just move on to the next one if there was a condom... If you were the same it could be some negative thoughts about using a condom.

    Could you try being intimate with her without actual penetration? Perhaps go on with foreplay for a longer time, see if your erection stays like that. Or see if the erection stays if she gives you a handjob or perhaps a blowjob, depending how you feel about it without a condom. See what works and how you can keep an erection without going to penetration mode. It can be hard at your age but you've done pretty well with your hard mode so far...

    Did you tell her about your hard mode? If she already knows about the reasons for the hard mode and your problems then she might understand better if you want to start slower and see how you can keep an erection for longer, without P or M. Don't focus on penetration, there is much more to sex than that.

    No matter what don't go back to PMO. I can tell you for sure it is not going to help with anything.
     
  3. TotalLifeChange

    TotalLifeChange Fapstronaut

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    Hey man, I know it sucks to still have PIED but all I can say is don't fall now.

    I've also been 3+ months previously and my PIED got better but definitely not 100% cured.

    You don't know how much time it will take, all you know is you have to keep going.

    One day suddenly you'll notice something you haven't felt before.

    I agree. I seriously recommend you talk with your girlfriend and explain to her your willy isn't going to be ready for a while, but you want to enjoy sex with her anyway. There's tons of things you can do, plus that'll help you to recover much faster IMO.

    C'mon man tu peux le faire!!
     
  4. ADC

    ADC Fapstronaut

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    > Well we had like a ten/maybe fifteen minutes foreplay before trying penetration. Basic stuff, I fingered her, she gave me a handjob a little but I was way too shy to ask for a blowjob, but anyway I was 100% hard the whole time. It's only when I put the condom it started to go wrong.

    I didn't tell her about the Nofap because I really don't feel like it would do anything but make me look like a creepy person. Our bf/gf relationship is not even two months old... I should wait a bit longer before telling her I think.

    TotalLifeChange : Aha merci for the little french sentence ! Yeah it really sucks to have PIED, I feel like shit. I know I can enjoy sex without penetration so I think I won't try next time. It will probably help me.
     
  5. IGY

    IGY Guest

    Hello ADC.

    If you watch the following interview, the Scientist (from YourBrainOnPorn) explains why the reboot takes longer for younger guys.

    Having said that, you are probably not too far away from complete repair. :) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=99RGE4OEqlg
     
  6. DarkTunnel

    DarkTunnel Fapstronaut

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    Yea he Gary Wilson said it can take up to 6 months or more. Gabe said he flatlined for 9 months. 105 days a little more than 3 months. I think you might have to try talking to your girlfriend about your situation because she already knows about the ED and she's gonna start to wonder why it keeps happening. It's better to not leave her in the dark and if she's any decent she'll help you get through it.

    I can relate to being all up for it during foreplay and for the few minutes then completely losing interest and not even getting pleasure. I had to think about porn during sex with a hot girl just to keep my dick up. How crazy is that? I'm on my own journey to PIED DE recovery. Good luck.
     
    Last edited: Nov 16, 2014
  7. ADC

    ADC Fapstronaut

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    Yeah I think it will take longer than 90 days now... Then I'll have to fight longer. But DarkTunnel I'm afraid to tell her about the PMO addiction. As I said our bf/gf relationship is not even two months old and I'd look like a creepy person.
    I was thinking about telling her that I don't want this ED problem to happen again so we might just rely on foreplay and stuff like this for a few time. Dad told me (and it's true) that sex is not only about an hard cock. Hope it will help me get my sensitivity back quicker
     
  8. IGY

    IGY Guest

    I feel for you ADC, I really do. If you are anything like me, then you find uncertainty difficult to deal with. It would be great if we could go somewhere and get an individual assessment and prognosis (that our reboot would require ? amount of days abstinence). But sex is complicated, the brain is infinitely complex and we have fucked everything up with the daily choices we have made for years and years. Sadly, the younger that started, the greater the impact. In that sense the 90 day NoFap challenge is somewhat misleading. I don't think it needs changing necessarily. But we need to keep the message alive that it varies quite a bit from person to person.

    All this must seem quite depressing and I can see that the decision about what to say to your lover is tricky, too. BUT amidst all of this ADC, please, please don't lose sight of what an amazing job you have done. Just look at all those green ticks - what a glorious sight! If there was another bank of 30 ticks, that would look the same! In fact, you are just two weeks away from four banks of glorious green tick marks. Every tiny line, is a victory: day by fucking day. I really respect you for that. As I have said, feeling down and stressed at the moment is understandable. But you know better than most, that those emotions put you at a greater risk of edging, masturbating or using porn. So, regroup, focus on what you have achieved and keep adding those green mark victories: day by fucking day! Best wishes: IGY :)
     
  9. **John**

    **John** Fapstronaut

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    This condom-fail happens to a lot of guys without any problems, maybe sex without a condom would actually work.
    Exactly these symptoms are quite common-foreplay goes well, but then the condom comes and your erection is gone.
    Maybe you can try without?
     
    Last edited: Nov 17, 2014
  10. ADC

    ADC Fapstronaut

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    IGY : Thank you for the post. These are going to be hard times for me I guess so thank you for the support. It's really true this 90days milestone doesn't mean anything but I could see my problems dying one after the other, I got rid of almost every social anxiety problems I had - of course I still have to deal with it a little bit but a few months ago I was skipping class and missing my university year just because I was afraid of being in a classroom.
    So I thought my ED problems were past. In one way, it is : I have morning woods at least two or three days per week now, and can get hard. But there is still this condom problem and I'll have to wait probably longer.
    But yeah I don't forget everything I achieved until now, and will keep telling others that the 90days thing is only true for a few people. I hope I won't relapse, I don't really want to right now, but who knows. These days are quite depressing so a strong urge might come, I have to be aware of this.

    It seems like it is more common than I thought yep. A friend of mine told me he had problems staying hard with a condom for two months when he had his first girlfriend, and one day everything was gone. I don't know if he had problems with porn before though.
    So yeah I could try without it, but I'm afraid of two things.
    1)Not being able to stay hard when you have a condom is still not normal. This is not a solution to the real problem, of course I'd be able to have sex I guess, but I need to fight things at their roots.
    2)About sexually transmitted diseases and birth control I'm a bit paranoid, I know someone who got his gf pregnant at 23 because of this and I don't want to try sex without condom until we know each other, have made tests about all STDs and so on... I know she's on birth control in France we call that "pilule contraceptive" I don't know the word in english but you probably know what I'm talking about

    So I think it would be better for me to fight than just rely on having sex without condom ?
     
  11. Karegador

    Karegador Fapstronaut

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    I have had moments of ED prior to nofap and my wife was so supportive of me. Naturally I was embarassed and felt like shit.

    All I can say is that I have learned that the biggest problem during sex is me. So if, say, the last time my wife and I tried of have sex, I was unable to perform because I couldn't stay hard. I might have a repeat of that the next time because I'm focused on it. I'll have thoughts like "please stay hard" running around in my head and killing my hard on.

    It is possible that you had a similar problem, given your history with PIED. So next time you and your gf are having sex, focus your mind on her. Think about how beautiful she is, the feel of her skin, ect. It may be all you need.

    I should also note, that that kind of focus, from what I understand of tantra, may have the side effect of helping you have multiple orgasms. It has happened to me. I don't know how to explain how that feels so that you can recognize it if it happens. But definitely try shutting all thoughts from you mind except for the thoughts of you gf.
     
  12. JegErFransk

    JegErFransk Fapstronaut

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    Hi there,

    Honestly, I didn't take time to read everything carefully before answering since I don't really have time, I apologize if I spend too much time saying what has already been said.

    First of all, I think "pillule contraceptive" is contraceptive pill in English (or birth control pill) but I'm not a native speaker.

    I have to begin with that: DO NOT TRY SEX WITHOUT A CONDOM before you have your tests done and you're sure she's 100% fine! That's the worse thing to do!

    I read you spent 15mins on foreplay (if I remember well)... Well, that's nothing! I'm sure you can have more fun during foreplay than actual sex if you do it right: What about 30 or 45min foreplay? You won't even need penetration after that.
    It is your first time (or one of your first times) right? We'll there's nothing to worry about man! Most of the men that told their first time was amazing and that everything worked perfectly are liers! You're not a machine! It is normal to be stressed and normal that sometimes it doesn't work perfectly. Who cares anyway? Your little friend doesn't have the mood to get hard? Well, you have 10 other friends at the end of your arms, enough for fun right?

    You guys need to forget everything you thought you knew about sex! Porn is only acting just like any other movie: nothing's real! You can't be hard just because you want to be hard. Sex is way more than penetration (whatever kind of penetration it can be).
    Have fun, take time to relax and enjoy the moment.

    Remember from where you come from. You can't expect everything to be working after only some few days (because 100days is only a few). You spent so many years destroying everything in your brain and under your belt. You brain needs time to heal!

    You don't need to say anything about NoFap if you don't feel like. Just tell her that you care about her and you want things to work with her, which leads to having to much preasure on your shoulders! (and cause you to fail) It is important that you have a word about it because porn also damaged girls' view on sex. They believe that men get hard whenever they want because that's what they see on their screen. She may think that you don't find her attractive or that for any other reason she's the reason.

    Bon courage, tu vas réussir!

    90 days only is an arbitrary number. There's no scientific explanation for this number, a large number of us (since most of us are young) need way more! I made it to 141days before relapsing and I wasn't 100% healed.

    Just relax



    JegErFransk
     
  13. Karegador

    Karegador Fapstronaut

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    Excellent point Jeg.

    Sex is as much mental as it is physical. You have to be relaxed. If you are nervous about whether or not you will be able to perform well or at all, you will end up being unable to perform because you are stressing yourself out.

    When you find yourself unable to get hard turn it into a positive by pleasuring your gf in otherways. You can learn all her erogenous zones with your hand, practice pleasuring her orally(not recommended till you know it is safe), masturbate her and so much more. The point is if you do stuff like that, at least she will come out of it having had a good time and you will be less stressed out the next time which will help you.
     
  14. DarkTunnel

    DarkTunnel Fapstronaut

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    I here you. Your idea is a good one of telling her to take it slower and not have penetration for a while. At least that would buy you some time. You could even say you're talking to your doctor about it and it might be stress/anxiety related. That way you won't have to mention PMO. Another idea you could think about is multivitamins for men. Some people say gingseng is good for your libido. There're plenty of vitamins to look into.
     
  15. ADC

    ADC Fapstronaut

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    Thank you JegErFransk and Karegador these posts are really helping me. I perfectly understand there are plenty of ways to please my gf and to make her please me even without penetration but it will probably take time for me to destress.
    I talked about it with her minutes ago and it look likes she doesn't care, like it didn't happen. I couldn't thank her enough about that, it's helping me too. We should see each other saturday in the afternoon but I don't know if we will go back to make love, but I guess she will want to. I'd like to have more time before we do it again even if there's no penetration happening and I'll have to talk about it with her.
     
  16. ADC

    ADC Fapstronaut

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    DarkTunnel : Yeah that could be helping for a while but I hope I won't have to take vitamins everytime I want to have sex lol, that wouldn't resolve the problem :D

    I may really see a doctor if things don't improve, but I'm not sure it comes from physical problems. I'm healthy as hell, practice sport a lot, sleep well, eat good things, no junk food and so on...
     
  17. tweeby

    tweeby Banned

    out of interest on a scale of 1-10 how hot is she? I just wondered if this was a global thing, like you get ED on any girl be it a 3/10 or 10/10.

    Also viagra? Or no?
     
  18. ADC

    ADC Fapstronaut

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    tweeby : Well 105 days without PMO made my view on women a little bit different than it used to be and it became hard for me to do this "rate her on a scale of 0-10" stuff like in high shchool haha :)
    But I'd say she's cute enough to please most of men. I never had sex with anyone else so I can't tell, the only time I tried when I was 19 the girl was not more cute and I couldn't get hard too.

    Also I don't use viagra curently and I never will
     
  19. tweeby

    tweeby Banned

    I honestly just wondered... I mean I'm 22 never had a girlfriend but I've been fighting off fatties and uglies like you wouldn't believe over the last two month so I was just wondering about guys who talk about ED and wondered if they were experiencing this with medium girls/ ugly girls or hot girls, but I guess this is objective?

    Actually, I wanted to know if these so called ugs and fatties I'm fighting off are in fact my porn warped brain telling me I need the hottest prettiest girls only. I hope you didn't find it offensive me asking about your gf rating. It was purely me be inquisitive about my own shortcomings.
     
  20. ADC

    ADC Fapstronaut

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    Lol absolutely no problem :)
    And to talk about this "girls I'm fighting off are in fact my porn warped brain telling me I need the hottest prettiest girls only" => this is probably true, I think I can appreciate more the true beauty of women now, or at least, more. Back in the days I was only masturbating to hot girls, not the normal ones.
    Just like if a girl was only masturbating to Tom Cruise and David Beckham !
     

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