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Hey everyone. I haven't posted here in a good while and I figured I'd make a quick post to share my progress. Today is day 105 of my streak and it's been a long road.
The pits of my despair
First let me start off by telling you about what my situation was like at the peak of my addiction. I was honestly so deep down the rabit hole that it doesn't feel like this phase of my life actually happened, it kind of feels like a fever dream. My life consisted of skipping school, sexting girls and PMO'ing for most of my free time, gaming for the rest of it, drinking alcohol, sleeping in at like 5 am and waking up at 6pm the next day to grab dinner and repeat the process. I was so numb and eventually my dick stopped working, but I just kept going. After that I probably went on for 2 years as my sex drive slowly deteriorated and I became even more numb as my libido disappeared and all I could feel at that point was sadness.
The start of a strange journey
Slowly but surely I started to realise the scope of my problems, I was scared shitless at the disappearance of my erection and libido and naturally I started searching online for solutions. At first my streaks were short and not very serious. I relapsed many times as I struggled to navigate the right balance and the do's and don'ts of rebooting. I was still involved with the people that I used to sext and I would often times stumble upon other pornographic material online and relapse because of that. Regardless I kept going, even though I was very weak. 7 day streaks turned into 20 days streaks and 20 day streaks turned into 30 day streaks, but I was still struggling very much. This went on for about a year or so. I had no drive, I was experiencing crippling depression, anxiety and loneliness. I had dropped out of school because it had gotten so bad. Eventually after a fight with my mom, I moved out and went to live with my dad. This was a blessing in some ways, but a curse in others.
I became even more isolated, not speaking to my dad, not really having any friends or anywhere to go during my days. I started becoming obsessed with NoFap and regarding it as my only way out of the mess I was in. I had a few more streaks, even a long one of 100 days or so, but I had started doing drugs to escape the anguish and uncertainty that I was in. This and other things that I was engaged in, compromised most of my streaks at the time. My experimentation with drugs also started to get more serious and started getting into the way of things. I was tripping all the time and smoking weed everyday, because I was hurting so much inside.
Eventually after one significant but horrifying LSD trip in which I realised that I was living a lie, I decided to tell my family about my porn addiction. This led to my mother and sisters completely banishing me from their lives, but my dad was accepting. I think this was my first major step to recovery. Admitting to other people that I had a problem and asking for help. Consequently I got back into therapy and eventually I was referred to a kind of therapy program, focused on getting my life back in order. I went there 3 days a week for 8 hours over the course of the last half year. At first it was really difficult, but I realised that focusing on NoFap alone was not going to help me and that instead I should try to forget about everything going on in my head and in my body and start living my life. I have made so much progress by doing this. I never thought that I would get this far. By opening up about my addiction, I held myself accountable and by seeking help, I have managed to turn my life around.
How are things now?
In one word: better. I feel free from this awful addiction and I can live my daily life, without being a slave to PMO and lust. I now desire love instead of pornographic sex and I have all around matured, grown more in touch with my emotions and I have developed a heightened appreciation for real people and real things. My sex drive is also slowly starting to come back, I get random erections every once in a while and I wake up with morning wood (albeit not as strong as I would like) My addiction to PMO has been long lasting and extreme, so I have to accept that my recovery will be slow. Over the past years I've also experienced a lot of pain in and around my penis. This was something that scared me a lot and I eventually went to my doctor, who referred me to a pelvic floor physio. This has definitely helped me, although I still get pain down there when I am stressed and recovery on this front is also going to take time. I suggest any of you that are experiencing frequent pain and discomfort in the region to see your doctors. Pelvic floor physiotherapy could also help with your erection quality. Anyway, at this point I'm just happy to be on the right track and to be seeing some signs of recovery. My dreams have also come back. I'm not sure if this is a result of me quitting PMO or me otherwise being totally sober (I don't do drugs, alcohol or even drink coffee anymore) but this is a good sign I think. As I mentioned before, I'm more in touch with my emotions now, after years of being numb, I am finally able to cry again and to feel things again that I haven't felt in a long time.
As for the state of my life, it has also gotten better. I've got a job and I'm starting a new study in a week to become an analyst. I'm still profoundly lonely and I don't have any friends or family I can rely on, but I am hoping that this will get better once I join school and that I will be able to meet friends there. My anxiety has gotten a lot better, cognitive behavioral therapy + NoFap has worked wonders on me. I am really focused and disciplined now and I feel strong emotionally. I also have a better grip on my thoughts and emotions. Lastly, I've learned a lot about the mechanisms of addiction and about changing those habits of escapism into productive and helpful ones. Things are looking up for me finally.
I want to thank all of you on this forum, because without your motivational posts and support, I wouldn't have come this far. To any of you struggling, never give up. You cannot fail as long as you don't give up. I also want to advice you guys to not browse this forum too much or to get obsessed with the length of your streaks and your progress. Just live your life and do what you can to make it better and just check in here every now and then to share and read up on other people's stories. Lastly, I would highly recommend that you seek out some sort of spirituality in your life. Something that rises above the material world and that puts you in a mindset of higher purpose. This is so important and will help you when your are traveling through the valley of the shadow of death.
The pits of my despair
First let me start off by telling you about what my situation was like at the peak of my addiction. I was honestly so deep down the rabit hole that it doesn't feel like this phase of my life actually happened, it kind of feels like a fever dream. My life consisted of skipping school, sexting girls and PMO'ing for most of my free time, gaming for the rest of it, drinking alcohol, sleeping in at like 5 am and waking up at 6pm the next day to grab dinner and repeat the process. I was so numb and eventually my dick stopped working, but I just kept going. After that I probably went on for 2 years as my sex drive slowly deteriorated and I became even more numb as my libido disappeared and all I could feel at that point was sadness.
The start of a strange journey
Slowly but surely I started to realise the scope of my problems, I was scared shitless at the disappearance of my erection and libido and naturally I started searching online for solutions. At first my streaks were short and not very serious. I relapsed many times as I struggled to navigate the right balance and the do's and don'ts of rebooting. I was still involved with the people that I used to sext and I would often times stumble upon other pornographic material online and relapse because of that. Regardless I kept going, even though I was very weak. 7 day streaks turned into 20 days streaks and 20 day streaks turned into 30 day streaks, but I was still struggling very much. This went on for about a year or so. I had no drive, I was experiencing crippling depression, anxiety and loneliness. I had dropped out of school because it had gotten so bad. Eventually after a fight with my mom, I moved out and went to live with my dad. This was a blessing in some ways, but a curse in others.
I became even more isolated, not speaking to my dad, not really having any friends or anywhere to go during my days. I started becoming obsessed with NoFap and regarding it as my only way out of the mess I was in. I had a few more streaks, even a long one of 100 days or so, but I had started doing drugs to escape the anguish and uncertainty that I was in. This and other things that I was engaged in, compromised most of my streaks at the time. My experimentation with drugs also started to get more serious and started getting into the way of things. I was tripping all the time and smoking weed everyday, because I was hurting so much inside.
Eventually after one significant but horrifying LSD trip in which I realised that I was living a lie, I decided to tell my family about my porn addiction. This led to my mother and sisters completely banishing me from their lives, but my dad was accepting. I think this was my first major step to recovery. Admitting to other people that I had a problem and asking for help. Consequently I got back into therapy and eventually I was referred to a kind of therapy program, focused on getting my life back in order. I went there 3 days a week for 8 hours over the course of the last half year. At first it was really difficult, but I realised that focusing on NoFap alone was not going to help me and that instead I should try to forget about everything going on in my head and in my body and start living my life. I have made so much progress by doing this. I never thought that I would get this far. By opening up about my addiction, I held myself accountable and by seeking help, I have managed to turn my life around.
How are things now?
In one word: better. I feel free from this awful addiction and I can live my daily life, without being a slave to PMO and lust. I now desire love instead of pornographic sex and I have all around matured, grown more in touch with my emotions and I have developed a heightened appreciation for real people and real things. My sex drive is also slowly starting to come back, I get random erections every once in a while and I wake up with morning wood (albeit not as strong as I would like) My addiction to PMO has been long lasting and extreme, so I have to accept that my recovery will be slow. Over the past years I've also experienced a lot of pain in and around my penis. This was something that scared me a lot and I eventually went to my doctor, who referred me to a pelvic floor physio. This has definitely helped me, although I still get pain down there when I am stressed and recovery on this front is also going to take time. I suggest any of you that are experiencing frequent pain and discomfort in the region to see your doctors. Pelvic floor physiotherapy could also help with your erection quality. Anyway, at this point I'm just happy to be on the right track and to be seeing some signs of recovery. My dreams have also come back. I'm not sure if this is a result of me quitting PMO or me otherwise being totally sober (I don't do drugs, alcohol or even drink coffee anymore) but this is a good sign I think. As I mentioned before, I'm more in touch with my emotions now, after years of being numb, I am finally able to cry again and to feel things again that I haven't felt in a long time.
As for the state of my life, it has also gotten better. I've got a job and I'm starting a new study in a week to become an analyst. I'm still profoundly lonely and I don't have any friends or family I can rely on, but I am hoping that this will get better once I join school and that I will be able to meet friends there. My anxiety has gotten a lot better, cognitive behavioral therapy + NoFap has worked wonders on me. I am really focused and disciplined now and I feel strong emotionally. I also have a better grip on my thoughts and emotions. Lastly, I've learned a lot about the mechanisms of addiction and about changing those habits of escapism into productive and helpful ones. Things are looking up for me finally.
I want to thank all of you on this forum, because without your motivational posts and support, I wouldn't have come this far. To any of you struggling, never give up. You cannot fail as long as you don't give up. I also want to advice you guys to not browse this forum too much or to get obsessed with the length of your streaks and your progress. Just live your life and do what you can to make it better and just check in here every now and then to share and read up on other people's stories. Lastly, I would highly recommend that you seek out some sort of spirituality in your life. Something that rises above the material world and that puts you in a mindset of higher purpose. This is so important and will help you when your are traveling through the valley of the shadow of death.
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