105 days: My journey so far

Discussion in 'Success Stories' started by Deleted Account, Aug 29, 2021.

  1. Hey everyone. I haven't posted here in a good while and I figured I'd make a quick post to share my progress. Today is day 105 of my streak and it's been a long road.

    The pits of my despair

    First let me start off by telling you about what my situation was like at the peak of my addiction. I was honestly so deep down the rabit hole that it doesn't feel like this phase of my life actually happened, it kind of feels like a fever dream. My life consisted of skipping school, sexting girls and PMO'ing for most of my free time, gaming for the rest of it, drinking alcohol, sleeping in at like 5 am and waking up at 6pm the next day to grab dinner and repeat the process. I was so numb and eventually my dick stopped working, but I just kept going. After that I probably went on for 2 years as my sex drive slowly deteriorated and I became even more numb as my libido disappeared and all I could feel at that point was sadness.

    The start of a strange journey

    Slowly but surely I started to realise the scope of my problems, I was scared shitless at the disappearance of my erection and libido and naturally I started searching online for solutions. At first my streaks were short and not very serious. I relapsed many times as I struggled to navigate the right balance and the do's and don'ts of rebooting. I was still involved with the people that I used to sext and I would often times stumble upon other pornographic material online and relapse because of that. Regardless I kept going, even though I was very weak. 7 day streaks turned into 20 days streaks and 20 day streaks turned into 30 day streaks, but I was still struggling very much. This went on for about a year or so. I had no drive, I was experiencing crippling depression, anxiety and loneliness. I had dropped out of school because it had gotten so bad. Eventually after a fight with my mom, I moved out and went to live with my dad. This was a blessing in some ways, but a curse in others.
    I became even more isolated, not speaking to my dad, not really having any friends or anywhere to go during my days. I started becoming obsessed with NoFap and regarding it as my only way out of the mess I was in. I had a few more streaks, even a long one of 100 days or so, but I had started doing drugs to escape the anguish and uncertainty that I was in. This and other things that I was engaged in, compromised most of my streaks at the time. My experimentation with drugs also started to get more serious and started getting into the way of things. I was tripping all the time and smoking weed everyday, because I was hurting so much inside.

    Eventually after one significant but horrifying LSD trip in which I realised that I was living a lie, I decided to tell my family about my porn addiction. This led to my mother and sisters completely banishing me from their lives, but my dad was accepting. I think this was my first major step to recovery. Admitting to other people that I had a problem and asking for help. Consequently I got back into therapy and eventually I was referred to a kind of therapy program, focused on getting my life back in order. I went there 3 days a week for 8 hours over the course of the last half year. At first it was really difficult, but I realised that focusing on NoFap alone was not going to help me and that instead I should try to forget about everything going on in my head and in my body and start living my life. I have made so much progress by doing this. I never thought that I would get this far. By opening up about my addiction, I held myself accountable and by seeking help, I have managed to turn my life around.

    How are things now?

    In one word: better. I feel free from this awful addiction and I can live my daily life, without being a slave to PMO and lust. I now desire love instead of pornographic sex and I have all around matured, grown more in touch with my emotions and I have developed a heightened appreciation for real people and real things. My sex drive is also slowly starting to come back, I get random erections every once in a while and I wake up with morning wood (albeit not as strong as I would like) My addiction to PMO has been long lasting and extreme, so I have to accept that my recovery will be slow. Over the past years I've also experienced a lot of pain in and around my penis. This was something that scared me a lot and I eventually went to my doctor, who referred me to a pelvic floor physio. This has definitely helped me, although I still get pain down there when I am stressed and recovery on this front is also going to take time. I suggest any of you that are experiencing frequent pain and discomfort in the region to see your doctors. Pelvic floor physiotherapy could also help with your erection quality. Anyway, at this point I'm just happy to be on the right track and to be seeing some signs of recovery. My dreams have also come back. I'm not sure if this is a result of me quitting PMO or me otherwise being totally sober (I don't do drugs, alcohol or even drink coffee anymore) but this is a good sign I think. As I mentioned before, I'm more in touch with my emotions now, after years of being numb, I am finally able to cry again and to feel things again that I haven't felt in a long time.

    As for the state of my life, it has also gotten better. I've got a job and I'm starting a new study in a week to become an analyst. I'm still profoundly lonely and I don't have any friends or family I can rely on, but I am hoping that this will get better once I join school and that I will be able to meet friends there. My anxiety has gotten a lot better, cognitive behavioral therapy + NoFap has worked wonders on me. I am really focused and disciplined now and I feel strong emotionally. I also have a better grip on my thoughts and emotions. Lastly, I've learned a lot about the mechanisms of addiction and about changing those habits of escapism into productive and helpful ones. Things are looking up for me finally.

    I want to thank all of you on this forum, because without your motivational posts and support, I wouldn't have come this far. To any of you struggling, never give up. You cannot fail as long as you don't give up. I also want to advice you guys to not browse this forum too much or to get obsessed with the length of your streaks and your progress. Just live your life and do what you can to make it better and just check in here every now and then to share and read up on other people's stories. Lastly, I would highly recommend that you seek out some sort of spirituality in your life. Something that rises above the material world and that puts you in a mindset of higher purpose. This is so important and will help you when your are traveling through the valley of the shadow of death.

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    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 29, 2021
  2. Chocolate_Cake

    Chocolate_Cake Fapstronaut

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    Do you see improvements in erection quality and libido?
    How long was your longest nofap streak?
     
    Maurice00 likes this.
  3. Read my post, it's all in there. This is my longest streak.
     
  4. Abel100%

    Abel100% Fapstronaut

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    Éxitos muy animadora tu experiencia y muchos nos sentimos identificados en algunas cosas que has vivido y Si Co y la Fe; todos podemos alcanzar esas metas, Vivir la Vida, dejar la culpa y la tristeza atrás... Gracias
     
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  5. E31

    E31 Fapstronaut

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    Hey Maurice, thanks a lot for sharing your journey! I can see myself quite a bit in there and its so motivating reading about others in the same boat, taking the right steps and finding themselves.
    If you ever feel the need to talk about some stuff, maybe things related to the drugs, which can be difficult to explain to people that not have looked in the mirror while in alice's nightmare land - feel free to hit me up, I'd be happy to ;)

    How's things with your family? It's a shame how your mother and sister reacted, i hope things turn out for the better.

    All the love, all the power!
     
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  6. AspiringHuman

    AspiringHuman Fapstronaut

    Fantastic!
    Very happy for you.
    It was a hard road but you made it so far. Keep going. Wish you all the best!
     
    Maurice00 likes this.
  7. Tonytone

    Tonytone Fapstronaut

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    Excellent post, brother and strong work!! May I ask how many years you had been stuck in that PMO addiction? Thanks, man!! Keep up the great work!!
     
    Maurice00 likes this.
  8. Koli Pratham

    Koli Pratham Fapstronaut

    This is truly inspiring!
     
    Maurice00 likes this.
  9. Gracias hermano. Todos lo lograremos, esto es un hecho!

    Thanks for the kind words man, I'm glad you liked my post. Things with my family aren't ideal, but I'm moving towards acceptance. I've texted my mother and sisters and I've tried to arrange to see each other, but nobody seems to be willing. My mother still has a lot of anger towards me and when I texted her we had an argument. She said that she didn't like my tone etc. even though I was being very polite and nice to her. It feels like she is constantly trying to test me whilst I don't even know that I'm being tested. And then if I respond in a way that she doesn't like, she pushes me away. I told her that all I want from her is clarity, even if that means that she doesn't want to see me anymore. She didn't even respond to that though, just more blame towards me for everything I've done. I told her that if she doesn't want to be open with me about what she wants and that if she's only going to attack me, I'd rather she doesn't contact me anymore. I really didn't want to cut off the contact like that, but the way things were going was really taking a toll on me mentally. As for my sisters, I told them that I would love to see them sometime and that they're always welcome here, but they left me on read. I understand it, but I wish things were different. They know where I live and that they can always contact me, so all I can really do is be patient and focus on my own life.
    Then there is my father, who is probably autistic. We went on vacation together and it was horrible, because he was constantly stressing about trivial things and not respecting my boundaries. Eventually I couldn't take it anymore. I went on that vacation with him to give our relationship another shot and most importantly to relax. I tried to talk to him repeatedly about how his behavior was affecting me, but he probably didn't even understand me. Eventually I decided that if he wasn't willing to change his behavior, then the only thing I could do was to limit my exposure to him, until I can move out. I'm still doing that, I just ignore him when he is being controlling or being compulsive. It's not ideal, but I don't have much of a choice. He's the only person in my life at the moment, so I depend on him for help when I need it. Rant over haha.

    How about you? I hope your journey is going well.

    Thank you and right back at you!!

    Thanks, I really appreciate it!! Well, I first got into PMO at age 13 and I remember that it turned into an addiction quite quickly. When I was 20 I was still really struggling and relapsing a lot, so I'd say it's been around 7 years of addiction.

    Thank you! I'm glad I could share it with you.
     
  10. jsw_96

    jsw_96 Fapstronaut

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    Man it seems like you were in a really dark place. I’m so happy for you’ve taken steps in the right direction and things are looking up for you. I would say just keep going and keep inspiring people. You’re post has inspired me. Since I’ve started nofap, I have to admit it’s been really tough. I also quit caffeine, so the last 4 months or so have been really hard for me but I really try to put things in perspective. I’m grateful for what I have got and try and look to the future. Thanks for your post. Also, if you ever need to talk.. I’m here for you my brother
     
    Maurice00 likes this.
  11. david7798

    david7798 Fapstronaut
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    Wow man 105 days.... I am not even struggling to go past a week lol, greetings from Taiwan !

    I also have a spiritual practice, and am following my passion as well. I wouldn’t say that I don’t have a life, and I am surrounded by kind friends and have a wonderful community. In fact, apart from my PMO addiction (I relapse every 2-5 days by trying to quit on my own), other aspects of my life are quite healthy. I eat organic food, follow my passion in coding and art, and go to nature very often as well. So things are not getting desperate for me.

    However, I still notice the significant damage PMO has caused to my life. The inflammation of desires caused by it is really unhealthy and powerful destructive, especially when you go on a binge, and yet it can be really hard when those things come up. And I struggle with it man, I’m sure many of you can relate to what I’m saying. So yeah man, 100+ days is amazing for me. I wish you all the best and keep it up !
     
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  12. Haladavar

    Haladavar Fapstronaut

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    You're the type of person that will get ahead in life, mark my words. You made a great decision in opening up to your family regardless of what they thought about you.

    Keep up the awesome work, Maurice!!
     
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  13. E31

    E31 Fapstronaut

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    I'm sorry to hear that, without wanting to be too presumptuous or anything but it really seems like your parents have problems on their own that they never worked out and you're not at all to blame. Similar story with my parents, which led me to continually free myself from the whole parents - child dynamic. I mean we are our own people, aren't we ;)
    I hope your sisters will at least come to appreciate that they have you!

    I'm stumbling a bit with everything between finding a new job, pursuing my passions, giving up all the drugs and pleasurable things one after another and getting my mental health on track, but I've come very far nonetheless and will go even further, one step at a time ;)

    All the love, all the power!
     
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  14. ForwardEver

    ForwardEver Fapstronaut

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    Fantastic! Keep living life
     
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  15. L0ngstreak

    L0ngstreak Fapstronaut

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    Like my comment
     
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  16. ForwardEver

    ForwardEver Fapstronaut

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  17. Rey Rey

    Rey Rey Fapstronaut

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    Great thread bro, a motivation for me and I am glad you posted it here for the rest of us to read and know that it's possible to change the way we live our life. Thank you.
     
    Maurice00 likes this.
  18. FrequencyLimbos

    FrequencyLimbos Fapstronaut

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    is there a specific reason why the female side of your family disowned you? Seems they're scumbags and not real family.
     
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  19. Nirvana90

    Nirvana90 New Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for sharing your post, it's very inspiring. I just discovered NoFap recently and started practicing it. I can understand why you said opening up helped you, since the mental burden is also hurting us.
    Keep it going on your way to full recovery!
     
    Maurice00 likes this.
  20. Lucid111

    Lucid111 Fapstronaut

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    Good job man, keep going; thanks for sharing
     
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