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12 Years Of Destruction

Discussion in 'Porn Addiction' started by Deleted Account, Feb 16, 2022.

  1. TLDR - 12 years wasted, damaged self esteem, no social confidence, wasted a lot of money, and destroyed my Penis. - I am Almost utterly destroyed by Porn.

    I was not going to upload this, for fear someone would read the whole thing and scrutinize every detail, but screw it. I am turning my Wi Fi off and trying to achieve my personal goals,i will not see any comments.

    To those of you who are sincere, i apologize i cannot contribute more to this community. I have to get myself out of internet browsing as soon as possible.

    I am only uploading this because i feel convicted to do so, it may sober someone into going in the right direction. I am just writing this to fill time, and i am trying to be careful to write only what is neccisary without oversharing.

    Are you in your teens or your early 20's?

    Picture yourself as me, and put yourself in my shoes. If you don't discipline yourself now, this will likely happen to you if you continue with porn.

    BACKSTORY:

    I am a late 20's porn addict, and i have used porn and discovered Masterbation at the age of 17.

    CURRENT CONSEQUENCES:

    These are the current consequences i have reaped from my 12 Years porn habit:

    ⦁ I Wasted thousands of pounds on soft core hentai commissions. I felt an illusion of power, being able to pick any character i wanted for my commission picture fantasies.

    ⦁ I have low self esteem and feel unloveable. My paranoia tells me women see right through me. I have SEVERE social anxiety, and a high voice despite my voice being deep in high school, it changed as i became this person.

    ⦁ Wasted countless hours masterbating towards porn

    ⦁ The stuff people say about "Porn users seeking more hardcore stuff as browsing continues?" It's true. I will not go into specifics as to not trigger anyone with lust.

    ⦁ I Have never experienced anything close to a relationship with a Woman, despite eagerly wanting one. My chance of a real sexual relationship is slim due to another porn and masterbation induced issue, as follows:

    *GRAPHIC* - I have 2 conditions on my penis formed from excessive masterbation. For context, i would sometimes masterbate as much as 11 times on rare occasions, between 8pm and 4 am in the morning, trying to go out on a "blaze of glory" saying to myself it would be my last stand with porn, but it never was. it's a terrible OCD. I have Phemosis, that means tightened foreskin, so the tip of my penis is still covered and will not pull back, i am ashamed of it because it looks underdeveloped. I also have had a permanent white patch on my penis for about 8 years, a form of Vitiligo. Now i cannot prove for certain either condition was caused by execesssive masterbation, but it is a likely culprit.

    ⦁ After failing and browsing porn again, it started off as a simple web browser History Wipe, but then it evolved into wiping my entire computers Windows 10 install after every single relapse. I can't tell you how many times i reset windows on my PC just to "Start over again" and try to keep things clean. I wouldn't wish this OCD on anyone.

    ⦁ The worst of all consequences: I feel nothing. I feel nothing of masterbating to a woman. When i was under 20, the guilt would bring me to tears and sometimes i cried. I broke down and cried for ages about my hentai use once, but now i feel nothing becuase i have seared my conscience with constant porn use. This also goes for my heart in how i view people too. When i hear tragedy on the news, i am just cold to it all. Ukraine might get invaded, all those poor people will suffer for it, yet i feel nothing. Shame on me. I mean that. I want this to be fixed foremostly.

    Why did this happen to me? - A lack of discipline. I failed to discipline myself and i always shut my conscience out in favor of pleasure. I am also not ruling out personal emotional pain, but i believe i am responsible for what i have done.

    My Current Goal:
    The brain is plastic. It can change and the excessive dopamine i have induced can be reverted.

    My main goal is to feel compassion for people again and i know this is possible with abstaining from porn.

    Like i said, i am turning the Wi-Fi off of my router, this is no fast decision. I have experimented with this option twice already, and i have thought of all the caveats. It is a sacrifice i must make to literally save my life.

    Thank you so much for reading, i hope my words have left an impression.
    Just a reminder, i apologise, after i upload this, i will sign out and be unavailable for comment.
     

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