120 DAYS OF NoFap: Telling my dark PMO story, finally.

Thanks for sharing and congratulations on 120 days! How are you feeling now? Which benefits do you experience?

 

120 days is a big achievement bro. I appreciate, You have struggled so much to reach here. Never go back....

 

Thanks for sharing, 120 days is honorable!!!! Respect!! And we r not judging you... All of us are similar here. Hehe

 

Keep it up!
Brain tries to dominate us.

 

I think I slumped more into drinking and unhealthy living and porn also after being in 3 consecutively toxic relationships with girls, all of them betrayed me. My porn use especially grew on second relationship and third one and only the 2nd relationship had a good sex tho. The 1st and 3rd were horrible. My first girl was EMO/metal/goth type of girl who wanted me to rape her ... seriously. Or she wanted to cut me with scalpel as it made her horny. I allowed it and I have 3 scars on my hand and stomach from it. Thats how in love (or stupid) I was back then. She was abusing me and I was allowing it just because I had no self respect because my father was alcoholic and my mum was overcontrolling idiot. When I realized she is already fucking other guy, I wanted to kill myself. How silly. 3rd girl was completelly asexual and was basically controlling me with her access to intimacy. All three girls betrayed me at some point. It was miserable. So my porn addiction grew and basically ruined my relation with 4th girl because I wasnt too aroused by her. I wanted novelty. Then I entered a long period of abstinence from sex. I had only slept with 2 normal girls, both toxic in a way... but at least it wasnt hookers. I was also using hookers by then, rarely because I wanted intimacy so bad. My toxic relation with my mum made me crave intimacy with people (I was denied physical contact when I was a very small kid) but then it also makes me weak when I want only this (and modern girl just want to be fucked and they dont respect if youre weak beta and I dont want to be weak anymore). I still dont know how to fix this but I think I ultimately want to be more alpha , Im ok with not getting intimacy or living with someone , I want to be strong and I like to be alone anyway. No point in trying to rewire my brain thats being conditioned for 20 years. But porn... I want to rewire. And I will suceed in this.

 

Thanks for writing that dude, i could resonate with a lot of what you said happened, even in chronological order. I'm 20 and been trying to end the vicious cycle for years, I've seen how my life has been affected in many ways and opportunities wasted. This year has been one of the worst, hence the lockdown and being home a lot. As you said, one will gravitate towards more grotesque and messed up genres to satiate the dopamin levels. And that happened with me, nevertheless I got tired of constantly being stuck and am determined to end this shit, ones and for all. Starting today I will reach 50 days on the 1st of January 2021 for a better life. Good luck hermano!!

 

You are a fighter, never forget that. For judging part, I have been to same pit, watched all the crap net can provide, even started reading manga of that kind just to get different taste. We are all fighting in our own way. Just don't give up mate. We will win one day or another.

 

yes to the victory guys!

 

Congrats on your success!

Porn is so destroying and dangerous on so many levels. And it's very cunningly made. It's highly addictive. It's meant to get you hooked and then normalize weird and sick material. It's part of the industry's business model.

I'm very happy on your success! All the best on your journey!

 

Congratulations man this is an awesome achievement! I literally have the exact same story as you. I just caught myself at the weird fetishes part with the monsters and weird orgies and shit. I felt awful. I'm a week in and I have the worst urges but I'm staying strong and I love the person I am now. I feel so free and light even though the darkness tries to pull me in constantly. This is also my first post on this forum so thank you for the great inspirational post. I wish you all the best!

 

stay strong brothers. I relapsed 2 days ago.
was it worth it? nope... as usual.
so keep pushing!

 

Inspirational stuff brother. Am 20 days strong now and will keep going

 

congratulations for the 120 days! just want to ask some stuff here.

you said that the depression/anxiety you experienced were quite significant in the 100 days post. you also said that you're "thinking about leaving Nofap, then encouraging myself to go on on this, and like that for about 2 months". This is quite my weak point too. I'm happy that you finally were "listening to myself and being a therapist to myself". However, in my case, the big challenges still persist after this. For me, I've experienced a lot of times when my mindsets to get outta PMO failed me. Among the mindsets are, "feelings and the reason/motives behind those are different", or "urges are mere noises/pangs, the main force behind relapse was lack of understanding/doubt in its emotional benefit", etc. I usually relapsed after 1-3 days, but those mindsets brought me to recovery that lasts around 5-7 days.... until I relapsed again, frustrated that those mindsets often making me feel like there's a drastic change in my mind, only for it to fail at some point. Do you experience this at some point?