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120 DAYS OF NoFap: Telling my dark PMO story, finally.

Discussion in 'Success Stories' started by Osl0, Oct 27, 2020.

  1. Osl0

    Osl0 Fapstronaut

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    Hi, I hope everything is ok with your life and goals. As the title tells, I'm at last on day 120 of Nofap, and besides telling the benefits and inconveniences about it, I'm here to tell my PMO story and how deep and bad I sank on it.
    It's hard for me to talk about, but I hope this opens your eyes and could make a little difference in starting NoFap and not to relapse. Porn is the worst thing the human ever created against a happier life.

    If you wanna know about the things that I've been through, here I give you the link:

    - 30 DAYS on NoFap: https://forum.nofap.com/index.php?threads/nofap-while-lockdown-mental-clarity.285719/

    - 100 DAYS on NoFap: https://forum.nofap.com/index.php?threads/100-days-of-nofap-seeing-life-different.292121/

    Well, with all the things in order, let's begin. I'm nervous.

    When I was 12 years old, one day I was all alone in my house, and with nothing to do, I turn on the PC and looked for some hot pictures (I don't know why I did it, I think was just for curiosity for that moment), and I felt really strange, but I kept searching. Then, like after half an hour of watching hot chicks, I found a porn video, I clicked on it and I remember I got scared, it was a porn video of a man and a woman with penetration like all the screen, and I closed it.
    It was like cocaine, I even couldn't sleep well that night, but even though I was choked, there was a light of curiosity.
    That's how I began to sink into PMO.
    Firstly, was with "soft porn" (yes, I used to write that because I got scared about seeing a naked man and woman like all the way, so my first videos were like only boobs and not seeing the penetration, just the movement, and moaning). It kept like that for about 1 year, then I got bored, I needed more (you know what I'm talking about, we used to search for a weirder video to supply our needs) and sank into real porn.
    6 years I throw to the garbage watching normal porn in porn pages, also Hentai and cartoon porn, because of THE FEELING OF MORE, OF SEARCHING FOR A WEIRDER VIDEO and like that I created some weird new sexual fetishes ( like orgies, monsters, barely legal, cheating and so on). All that between 13 and 18 years old.

    It was when I was 19 years old that got really deep in PMO and I began to feel that it was a problem with me. I used to masturbate for an hour, with hentai and all that shit, but it didn't give me the sensation and feeling that I wanted, so I started to think about my ex (I was single) and I searched for some pictures of her, masturbated and FELT HORRIBLE, I kept like that for like 3 months, and I didn't even want to go out of my house. I felt like a monster, garbage, I didn't have any self-value and also, my penis felt like a noodle while erection, so I was going into depression.

    Afterward, imagine what I thought could help me, and yes, I believed even weirder porn could help me.
    So... this is hard to say and I'm crying writing this, I started to watch hentai and porn of traps and searched for girls who had a boyfriend (yes... pictures with her boyfriends) to be able to have a boner and masturbate.
    I hope you can put yourself in my shoes and think about how I was feeling. At 19 years old and for about half a year, I masturbated with those things, to be able to have a good boner and feeling "good". I was like a zombie, I knew what I was doing but I didn't care. Always after orgasm, I watched my screen and got scared and sad for all the shit I was putting on my eyes. Most of the time, I used to cry after Orgasm.
    PMO was the only thing I had to face stress and anxiety, because of the university and the thing that I couldn't talk normally with girls, even in a friendly way.

    I'm crying and feeling a horrible feeling in my throat writing this, but I know I want to tell you and don't keep it for me, I wanna let it go and finally having a good relationship with myself.

    KEEP STRONG WITH NoFap, is the best thing you can do for your brain and body, I'm just 4 months, but I already see benefits, and the one I love the most is the self-value.

    This is changing me, in a good way, and I'm sure it will help you too.

    Stay aware, keep strong, and please, don't judge me, I'm a nice guy who just wants to have a better life.
    Thanks for the time to read me and greetings from Colombia.
     
    Last edited: Oct 28, 2020
  2. hankhoody

    hankhoody Fapstronaut

    Thanks for sharing and congratulations on 120 days! How are you feeling now? Which benefits do you experience?
     
  3. 120 days is a big achievement bro. I appreciate, You have struggled so much to reach here. Never go back....
     
    snake90890 and Osl0 like this.
  4. quit@porn

    [email protected] Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for sharing, 120 days is honorable!!!! Respect!! And we r not judging you... All of us are similar here. Hehe
     
    Osl0 likes this.
  5. Follower of God❤️

    Follower of God❤️ Fapstronaut

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    Keep it up!
    Brain tries to dominate us.
     
    Osl0 likes this.
  6. BigBallOfFire

    BigBallOfFire Fapstronaut

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    I think I slumped more into drinking and unhealthy living and porn also after being in 3 consecutively toxic relationships with girls, all of them betrayed me. My porn use especially grew on second relationship and third one and only the 2nd relationship had a good sex tho. The 1st and 3rd were horrible. My first girl was EMO/metal/goth type of girl who wanted me to rape her ... seriously. Or she wanted to cut me with scalpel as it made her horny. I allowed it and I have 3 scars on my hand and stomach from it. Thats how in love (or stupid) I was back then. She was abusing me and I was allowing it just because I had no self respect because my father was alcoholic and my mum was overcontrolling idiot. When I realized she is already fucking other guy, I wanted to kill myself. How silly. 3rd girl was completelly asexual and was basically controlling me with her access to intimacy. All three girls betrayed me at some point. It was miserable. So my porn addiction grew and basically ruined my relation with 4th girl because I wasnt too aroused by her. I wanted novelty. Then I entered a long period of abstinence from sex. I had only slept with 2 normal girls, both toxic in a way... but at least it wasnt hookers. I was also using hookers by then, rarely because I wanted intimacy so bad. My toxic relation with my mum made me crave intimacy with people (I was denied physical contact when I was a very small kid) but then it also makes me weak when I want only this (and modern girl just want to be fucked and they dont respect if youre weak beta and I dont want to be weak anymore). I still dont know how to fix this but I think I ultimately want to be more alpha , Im ok with not getting intimacy or living with someone , I want to be strong and I like to be alone anyway. No point in trying to rewire my brain thats being conditioned for 20 years. But porn... I want to rewire. And I will suceed in this.
     
  7. Sensei-301

    Sensei-301 Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for writing that dude, i could resonate with a lot of what you said happened, even in chronological order. I'm 20 and been trying to end the vicious cycle for years, I've seen how my life has been affected in many ways and opportunities wasted. This year has been one of the worst, hence the lockdown and being home a lot. As you said, one will gravitate towards more grotesque and messed up genres to satiate the dopamin levels. And that happened with me, nevertheless I got tired of constantly being stuck and am determined to end this shit, ones and for all. Starting today I will reach 50 days on the 1st of January 2021 for a better life. Good luck hermano!!
     
    Osl0 and Henryforward like this.
  8. Osl0

    Osl0 Fapstronaut

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    I'm really happy to see all your support, without judgements and bad comments, you really are a support for me and I appreciate all your ideas and achievements. I hope, with all my heart, you can become what you want and to see you with an awesome streak. Still learning, still committing some mistakes but keeping strong. Thanks to all of you!
     
  9. Ainz

    Ainz Fapstronaut

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    You are a fighter, never forget that. For judging part, I have been to same pit, watched all the crap net can provide, even started reading manga of that kind just to get different taste. We are all fighting in our own way. Just don't give up mate. We will win one day or another.
     
  10. BigBallOfFire

    BigBallOfFire Fapstronaut

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    yes to the victory guys!
     
  11. Lumkalak

    Lumkalak Fapstronaut

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    Congrats on your success!

    Porn is so destroying and dangerous on so many levels. And it's very cunningly made. It's highly addictive. It's meant to get you hooked and then normalize weird and sick material. It's part of the industry's business model.

    I'm very happy on your success! All the best on your journey!
     
    Sugar Shane likes this.
  12. snake90890

    snake90890 New Fapstronaut

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    Congratulations man this is an awesome achievement! I literally have the exact same story as you. I just caught myself at the weird fetishes part with the monsters and weird orgies and shit. I felt awful. I'm a week in and I have the worst urges but I'm staying strong and I love the person I am now. I feel so free and light even though the darkness tries to pull me in constantly. This is also my first post on this forum so thank you for the great inspirational post. I wish you all the best!
     
    Lumkalak likes this.
  13. BigBallOfFire

    BigBallOfFire Fapstronaut

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    stay strong brothers. I relapsed 2 days ago.
    was it worth it? nope... as usual.
    so keep pushing!
     
  14. aan0043

    aan0043 New Fapstronaut

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    Inspirational stuff brother. Am 20 days strong now and will keep going
     
  15. abandcned

    abandcned Fapstronaut

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    congratulations for the 120 days! just want to ask some stuff here.

    you said that the depression/anxiety you experienced were quite significant in the 100 days post. you also said that you're "thinking about leaving Nofap, then encouraging myself to go on on this, and like that for about 2 months". This is quite my weak point too. I'm happy that you finally were "listening to myself and being a therapist to myself". However, in my case, the big challenges still persist after this. For me, I've experienced a lot of times when my mindsets to get outta PMO failed me. Among the mindsets are, "feelings and the reason/motives behind those are different", or "urges are mere noises/pangs, the main force behind relapse was lack of understanding/doubt in its emotional benefit", etc. I usually relapsed after 1-3 days, but those mindsets brought me to recovery that lasts around 5-7 days.... until I relapsed again, frustrated that those mindsets often making me feel like there's a drastic change in my mind, only for it to fail at some point. Do you experience this at some point?
     

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