13 Months Porn Free, But-

So I began the NoFap Challenge successfully on November 16, 2016. And I have not watched pornography since then. However, there have been numerous complications that I believe may have prevented my full progress on this challenge. First of all, my girlfriend (of three years) and I often give handjobs, and I think that gets in my head a lot. I associate 'finishing' (for lack of a better term) with failing the challenge, so every time that I get a handjob, it cascades into bouts of anxiety and depression, which suck. Also, since I got handjobs rather often, it got me back into my masturbation habits, which I do not like. I have masturbated 5 times during the past two days, and that kills me.

That being said, I'd like to talk about my future goals, as well as detail the present position I am in.

Goals:
I would like to:

• Get more comfortable in groups
• Not rely on my girlfriend for my happiness
• Stop Thinking about my faults so often
• Stabilize my moods
• Get better socially
• Not masturbate or browse sketchy sites
• Be more confident
• Learn the Guitar
• Take up Meditation
• Better my relationship with God, Myself, Girlfriend, and Others
• Be more comfortable around friends

Now, with my present self. I must admit I have come a long way from where I was 13 months ago. It has been hell, but I've loved it. From hating a trip to D.C., to going to therapy, to telling my girlfriend I love her, I have felt more alive than ever. However, recently I've got back on the masturbation train, which scares me. Every time after, I doubt my feelings for my girlfriend, and get in an anti-social mood for a day or two after. My life was not nearly as complicated before I began this challenge, but that's because I was stuck in auto-pilot. Now I'm in control.

A final note: I am not able to receive hand jobs from my girlfriend without freaking out. I am worried what will happen when we get married and have sex. Will I get anxiety? I hope not, and only time will tell.

Any advice, or anything, welcome! NoFap has changed my life, and I will be forever in debt to this wonderful community. Keep on Swimming!

 

Been about 12 days, and my anxiety is apparent.
I miss my girlfriend, and that makes me anxious.
Urges have been hitting hard, especially the last three days. This is the farthest I've made it in a long time