14 days and relapsed

Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by SensualLettuce, Sep 22, 2018.

  1. SensualLettuce

    SensualLettuce Fapstronaut

    Got to 15 days plus a few hours and relapsed like 10 minutes ago. I'm not dejected for doing it, but more so haunted by each image i add. Every time i relapse, I forcefully recharge my energy to do better the next time and each time i do, i always evaluate myself and what led me to relapse. So this is that type of post, but it's also one asking for advice and insight. I'll list down what I've evaluated and discovered about myself so feel free to comment and give advice on things I've mentioned and on what you think is worth mentioning beyond what I've covered.

    • Repetition, boredom and non-productivity - Like most of my relapses, my urges happen in solitude while watching TV, browsing the internet, etc. A lot of those things are things I do on a daily basis at the same time of day with limited variation throughout weeks and months so far. As you'd expect this attributes to repetition and non-productivity when done poorly and ultimately boredom at times and hence a relapse.

      Although I'm taking greater effort to not let this happen and I should be scheduled to do more productive things in the coming weeks and months, I still feel like i'm at a loss because I need something else to keep me grounded. Motivation to be self disciplined has helped a lot recently, but I feel like i need something more. I don't know what it is or if their is anything more, but I feel like their is something i need.
    • Constant playback - When i get a legitimate urge, i'm always on the edge, my mind is fixated on the idea of relapsing for the day or the week if not more. The trigger keeps on replaying in my mind, or more particularly "Relapse to get closure". This leads to relapses or edging at times in particular.
    • Intrusive thoughts - This is a big one for me and the main reason behind detoxing. I get intrusive thoughts when an urge flares up. Even though countless streaks have proven to me that things get better if I just keep fighting, I somehow end up convinced that "Relapsing will curb the thoughts" even though they almost always reinforce them. The idea that I want to be at a place where I'm not haunted by these thoughts makes me look for a crutch at times and so I ultimately end up resetting my timer.

    • Positive train of thought - This isn't what causes or leads to a relapse, but It has poor effects for reasons I don't understand which can lead me to dejection at times. What I'm trying to do is train myself to think positively but at times that leaves me confused cause I can't really pinpoint my motivations and sometimes it leads me to thinking that I am the worst parts of myself. I'll explain.

      For example, I can spot someone I find attractive while walking the street or scrolling the internet and I try to leave it that: Their beautiful. I could think of them as simply being beautiful, but the common symptom of viewing people as body parts sets in without will. While trying to think positively, my mind starts to lend to those perverted thoughts. It happens so frequently that I start to believe that's the person I am and I begin to be worried whether I can actually rid myself of those thoughts to be the positive person I want to be and start to doubt myself a bit if I can ever be that person while another thought refutes that. They lead me to a kind of limbo state of mind whereby I'm having a back and forth between the good and bad. Even though like my intrusive thoughts, time has shown to heal those wounds i still get bothered by these things and don't really know what to do with these.

    Note: I know I comment a lot about the above things in a positive light to other posts and the things I just typed out may sound contradictory. I don't know how to explain it, but I do genuinely believe in those things that I have said to other people because I have gone through those troubles and experienced the good sides, but I have some really bad lows that lend to a few dark places at times and right now I just need a concrete framework for why I'm doing this so that when I'm at those lows, I can remember what keeps me going because it's pretty easy to forget (I forgot all these things before I relapsed and actually remembered why I am doing what I am doing right after).

    • Slightly convinced - Whenever an urge flares up. I don't know why, but no matter how strong or subtle it is, I become convinced that I have or will relapse when I haven't. My best guess would be that because I'm being really hard on myself with the process, allowing urges is a bad thing. Regardless of my guess, I never know how to refute this other than with discipline and/or willpower, but I usually end up in the same place. I don't know what to think of this, any comments would be appreciated.
    Last edited: Sep 22, 2018

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