14 days in, eyes have been opened

Warning, this is a LONG and EXPOSING post but I’d appreciate it if you do take the time to read it all. I've kept this in too long not to share it with somebody. I hope my story can inspire you to be better, or maybe just give some motivation.

So this is my first time having a decent streak for the first time. Right now I’m currently on day 14 of my streak and that’s the longest I’ve gone without PMO in the last 2 years. I started pmo and internet porn in middle school (11-12) and have used it ever since (currently 22). My porn use over the years had escalated to more and more hardcore types of porn (specifically/exclusively anal porn). On top of that, my masturbation habits were horrible and I didn't even realize it. I would have to squeeze my legs as hard as I could, didn't use lube (would rub against a blanket or something soft), and had to have porn to get off. The worst part was that I didn't know just how bad this was until I got to having sex. Even the first time I had sex I came nowhere close to orgasm, and have only reached O through penetrative sex maybe twice. I'd have to finish myself off in the same awful masturbation fashion I described above, or simply wouldn't O at all. It feels awful to see just how much damage I've done to myself when I can't get anywhere near orgasm in a natural way. But the effects of pmo have been much greater than just the sex part of it.
Just a few days ago I matched with a girl on tinder and had her over to hook up. I was probably at 10 days at this point and wondered how sex would be at this point. And boy was the result eye-opening. I'd never met this girl before, and when she came over we talked for a bit then had sex. Before we even started having sex however, I felt absolutely no real attraction to this girl. She was pretty, but on the larger side, and I couldn't find a way that I saw her as attractive because I was so fixated on her size rather than who she was. I could barely stay erect and any time we paused I'd lose my erection. It was so embarrassing to go soft like that, and not being able to feel any pleasure or probably give much either. Not only did I have no libido or real desire to have sex (flatline), but I was being judgemental based on her weight rather than personality or attitude. And I think this is a result of how porn has skewed my idea of what attraction is. While watching porn I'd always try to find girls with perfect asses and tight fit bodies. Over time, this has become the only body type I'm attracted to, and while I'd never say it to them, I'm always judging girls based on their bodies and sex appeal, even if they're my close friends. it makes me feel like the biggest douchebag and creep since I'm always judging and trying to sneak looks at them like a fucking creep. I know that I can't continue to be like this. I feel so ashamed that I really think this way and how much I fail to see the beauty in people not based on their body, but by them as a person.
Not only do I realize pmo has given me a huge problem when it comes to my perception about the other sex and how much of a jerk it makes me, but pmo affects other aspects of my life a lot too. When I was in pmo, I had all the typical problems you see on this site (anxiety, low confidence, acne, fear of attention, etc.), and I feel like I've lost a lot of opportunities as a result of never breaking the habit. Along with pmo, in high school, I began smoking weed, vaping, drinking, and doing all kinds of shit that's terrible for your body. I still smoke weed and drink probably too much (but that's a whole different conversation) but am trying to get off other things like nicotine and other pointless drugs. I also still play video games far too much and it was terrible when I was pmoing every day and then just playing videogames and smoking and vaping all day. I couldn't even understand why, but pmo had taken control of my life and directed me in negative ways that I'll probably be working on for years to come. It's crazy to look back and see how doing certain things has put me where I am today and changed me.
The final straw was just before the beginning of my current streak. I was hanging out at home when my friend asked me if I wanted to do an LSD trip. I'd used LSD before a few times and I knew that it was fun, but not good for you and wastes a lot of time. The last time I had done LSD was back in October as my college housemates wanted to try it and we had a great time. But after that trip, I had told myself I really should stop using this stuff. Back to my friend wanting to trip. Stupidly and impulsively I agreed, and within a few hours he was over and we were both tripping. But this was a pretty awful trip and it only made me feel negative. As I'm walking upstairs to bed, a voice in my head starts crying out. "Look at yourself, what are you doing to yourself". At that moment I was so disappointed and fed up with the way I was living. Sitting in my basement on a gorgeous day, playing videogames, and doing drugs. Every day I was playing videogames all day and getting nothing done. Every day I was laying in bed jerking off to disgusting porn videos. Every day I was vaping and filling my body with unhealthy foods and not working out. Every day I was wasting my life away. And I just couldn't take it anymore.
Something inside of me changed that day. I just couldn't accept living like this anymore. Something needed to change immediately. I decided that I was going to put 110% effort into fixing this addiction. Otherwise, I felt like some of potentially the best years of my life would be lost in a sea of porn, videogames, and laziness. Perhaps I've already lost some of those since I just finished college and have had these issues all 4 years and never took the time to see how bad they were. I probably missed out on a lot of chances for growth and meeting people and learning. But all I can do is accept the mistakes I made and keep moving forward.
So here we are on day 14 of no pmo. Only day 14. I'm still nowhere close to my first goal of 90 days but it's still the best streak I've ever done so far. The first few days were quite hard and I found myself thinking about wanting to pmo a lot, but remembered why I'm here. Since the first few days, I have hit the flatline HARD. I have zero desire to look at porn, to talk to girls, and nothing has gotten me aroused at this time. I think it's shown me just how addicted I was since my brain is currently not getting the dopamine rush it had been getting for years. But I know that's a good thing because it means I'm on the road to recovery. I have a feeling it's gonna take A LOT longer than 90 days to reboot due to how severe my PIED and behaviors are. But I know I'm getting better. Currently, my next milestone is 30 days and I feel like I can reach that goal. I have begun to meditate and that's been a big help. Not only has it helped me become more aware of my emotions and attitudes towards pmo, but it's helping me stay more focused, disciplined, and happy. If you're trying to start meditating I'd recommend some kind of binaural beats app to get started. I've been enjoying this app called beatfulness, it's got lots of different beats ranging from sleeping to yoga to studying and more. It costs money but I enjoy it and feel like it's a big help.
Another thing I've been trying to do has been a workout and run more. I have been doing morning workouts after waking up and it feels really good and sets me in the right direction for the day. I'm also working to play a lot fewer videogames and get outside more. It's tough for me because a lot of my close friends play a lot and its mainly how we "hangout". Also because of this pandemic its hard to go places anyway so it just makes videogames a more appealing option. It sucks because I want to go do fun things with my friends like a hike or sports or climbing or whatever, but all they ever want to do is play videogames or smoke. I love the guys and they're my best friends, but I don't know how to get them to try new things. Videogames are fun don't get me wrong, but perhaps that means I need to meet new people who actually want to do these real-life things. Summer is just starting and I refuse to spend it cooped up inside wasting my time on the Xbox.
Overall, this post is me sharing with the world just how messed up pmo has made me. I know it's not exclusively from pmo but I feel it's a large part of it. I'm sad that I wasn't able to notice this sooner and spend more time building relationships, learning skills, and bettering myself. I won't get that chance back and I have to live with that. But as my father has taught me, don't make life about regret. Take what happened as a learning experience and apply it to the future. I'm 22 and my life is really just beginning, so why bother getting hung up on things you cant change. And even though I'm just two weeks into my streak, I feel I'm just beginning my journey towards real self-improvement. I've felt more confident and happy in this streak than I probably haven't the last few years, and I'm excited to see how that changes as I fight on. And this is the message I want to give to all of you. Look forward to the future, learn from the past. There's too much life out there to live to not take some time to reflect on yourself and how you can grow as a person. So stay strong and keep up the good work. It is possible to change for the better. I believe that and hope to take that mindset with me through this time.


WOW, that was a lot longer than I thought. Sorry if I'm rambling on but if you did take the time to read it all thank you for listening to my story. I plan on writing another post on day 30, 60, 90 and so on, just gotta get there first. Thanks, everyone.