16 Days Clean + Battling an extreme Fetish (Full story/Need to get this off my chest)

Hey guys, I decided to open up about EVERYTHING in my life just to get this off my chest, since I cannot take it anymore. I have days where I feel like good, and feel extremely positive, and then days like this where I just feel down and sad, with no expectation in life.

Who am I?
I'm a 24 year old regular dude. Not ugly, not handsome, just pretty average and I have no problems with that. I have always been a heavy overthinker. I started growing gray hairs at a very young age and analyze everything in life. I guess you could call me "emotional" aswell. So yeah, I am just a regular dude.

What am I struggling with?
Okay.. here it is. God this is embarrasing even though I posted about this many times. I am ashamed and feel like crap whenever I talk about my "fetish" or whatever it is. So here it is: I have a fat fetish and a squashing fetish. So... basically I am "into" fat people sitting on other people for sexual gratification. Some of you might be disgusted, some of you might laugh, and I dont blame you for it. This "fetish" is so weird that you have every right to laugh.

Where it all started?
Unlike many others, I know exactly why I have this "fetish". When I was in kindergarden during the age of or 5 or 6 (cant exactly remember, somewhere around that age), I was exposed to a "scene", where my interest in this fetish first began. My then overweight kindergarden teacher literally sat on a kid that acted up. He fell asleep, so she for some reason decided to place him on a desk and just sat on that poor little child. I have no idea why she did that, and that right there, is what fucked me up, and led me to where I am today. After having seen that, I remember reading through childrens books looking at animals like elephants and hippos and imagining them squashing me/ and other animals. Another memory I have from kindergarden is that I used to play with another girl and tried to get her to sit on me.
This is pretty much where it first started..

Elementary School:
Even as a kid, I have always been an overthinker and an analytical thinker. I remember not going to certain places because I could see what would happen before it had actually happened, and stuff like that. So I guess you could say that I was a liitttle "smarter" than the other kids at school. Same unacceptable behaviour continued in elementary school. We would play fighting and I would have bigger friends pin me down and sit on me, I would fantasize and kept the same behaviour throughout whole elementary school. During that time I was playing with other kids and out of nowhere I was forced to lick another kids feet/toe, which would also explain the "thing" I have for feet (Which is NOT strong at all (I hate showing my feet in public but catch myself eventually looking at feet in public, No Idea what that could mean).

Middle school:
Same bullshit, only this time because of puberty, things got more intense. End of elementary, beginning of middle school (Somewhere during that time), I discovered Porn for the first time. I dont know exactly what led to me using that computer, but what I can remember is what I typed in to google. "Fat girl sit on skinny man".. and then hit enter.. wow.. I got hooked immediately. Everything I fantasized about, now was in front of my eyes, and the was so much to explore. This was the time I got addicted, and I mean severely addicted to fetish porn. In real life, during school, I would intentionally try to get my bigger friends to sit on me. I have never been an outsider, never have I been really bullied. People always liked me. I mean I am not anatisocial or anything. Definitely not ugly, and not too good looking either. Just average. During P.E I played lots of sports, but most of the time I would try to get my bigger friends to sit on me. And during all this time, it was my male friends. So thats funny. In real life I would try to get my MALE friends to sit on me, but during my porn sessions I would watch tons of straight fetish porn? No Idea what to think of that. But that didnt last for long tho, after having consumed almost every single hetero fetish content there was on the internet, and after having read everry single fictional bizarre story, I started to escalate. BBW (300lb-350lb), turned into SSBBW (450lb+). Did that for years and escalated into more xtreme content where I was looking at 600lb+ squashing content. I knew that this was extremely dangerous and could kill people, but I still kept going. So much happened, I dont even know where to begin. Trying to get my male friends in real life to squash me, watching squashing porn on various tube sites for hours a day and watching bizarre content that was not only extremely dangerous but also could result in broken ribs and bones. Eventually "escalating" into the gay side of things. (Dont know If I can call it escalating since I was doing it before too ). Now I was also watching obese men sitting on smaller dudes on youtube (Either for fun, or in a wrestling match or whatever), and was watching gay squashing porn. Tube sites, forums, communites, I did it all man. This is also where all the "noticing" stuff started. I wasn't "emotionally" attracted to my bigger friends, but it was more like a want to be with/ or near them for the possibility of getting squashed. I was fantasizing during nights and was making up extremely weird fictional stories involving everyone I could think of (The mother of a friend, my friends, random dudes I saw on the streets, and so on.). Sometimes I'd catch myself staring at this big dude on the street and think of what it would be like if he would sit on me, even though I know that I would die if he did that. Its so fucked up.

High School/College
I live in Europe, so High School is considered College here.
The same behaviour kept on going. Watching everything I could find on the internet after having consumed so much fetish content it did not matter for me if it was gay or straight content. I was watching women on man, man on women, women on women and men on men content. I did not care at all. It was as if a demon took over me and is trying to destroy my life. Binge watching wrestling videos, joining gay sites just to chat about my fetish with other fat men, joining fetish forums, looking at tumblr pages, searching for movies with a squashing scene, EVERYTHING MAN. I did everything. This fetish was my life, still is. I conusmed, watched, and read EVERYTHING there is on the internet!! And as time passed, It got more and more extreme. Now I was watching shit that would make people pass out and even break bones. And in some instances, people did pass out. I get a slight boner even from typing this, and I HATE IT!!! School back then was very busy, so not much happened besides that. One specific memory I have is during 4th grade of college. Some dude failed his previous classes and was put in my class. When he walked in to my class and I saw him for the first time, he was BIG as hell. With big I dont mean muscular, I mean Fat and overweight. It wasnt a crush that I had on him, I wouldnt even say that Im gay or anything, but I got excited when I saw him for the first time. That meant that I could possibly fulfill my need for this fetish with a "classmate"... Yeah, thats what it meant. And to this day I still go back and analyze all the shit I did and felt to justify my HOCD, but I get trapped and cannot get out of this disease man.

During that time I also started to hang out around gay sites dedicated for bigger men. And people on that site literally were eating till death. There was a couple death instances on that site because of obesity, and apparently that would be a huge turn on for them. For me it never was, I find it gross and I never want to be fat, but having someone whos fat sitting on me gets me off... As sad this may sound. On that site I would DM hundreds of men, fantasizing and chatting about my fetish, never with the intention of meeting up with them. It was just to chat about it. I would post real pictures of myself on that site which i regret to this day. I would skip DMs from normal gay dudes but would respond to those coming from the bigger guys, just to chat about my fetish. This is how fucked up I am. In college there was no girls in my class, which I guess justified my escalation to extreme and gay content, but then I remember I used to do that even before college, and the cycle repeats, and I get severe HOCD. What could all that mean? What the hell am I? Wherever I go I notice big guys, and sometimes women aswell. And I dont even think that they are good looking or anything, its actually gross (excuse my language here), but why am I staring or "noticing" them? Is it the same as checking out? I know that I look at them because they were fat and fetish thoughts immediately gets activated in my mind and Im looking at their body all of a sudden. What is that? Why am I doing this? What is it about fat men that makes me want to look at them? Damn thats disgusting! I dont know why I do that, but this really adds to my HOCD, or whatever it is called. I am so confused man.

My very first crush? (Dont know if it was an actual crush)
I never fell in love in my life. The only time I felt attached to a normal girl was when I met this girl in school. We spoke the same language, and a friend of mine told me to ask her out. Being too shy and insecure, I didnt. But there was something there. We would talk for hours on whatsapp and instagram. I played her favorite song on my guitar and posted it on my story and she immediately responded and I remember getting very excited and feeling very proud of myself. She wanted something from me, but I did not from her or didnt realize that she was "into" me or interested in me as I was too deep in my fetish porn addiction where it left so space for healthy sex and relationships. We smiled at each other, she was too shy and just smiled from a distance whenever she saw me, and once out of nowhere she hugged me. A few years later she came to my mind and I decided to DM her on insta, which resulted in me getting blocked and rejected. Nevermind, I said, but i felt some kind of emotional attachment to her. I was thinking of marriage and having kids with her (Even though I knew that with the current addiction and habit that I have now, having sex would be impossible for me..) but I went on. I dont even know If I "forced" myself to "love" her, so I dont know what it was, all I know is that there was "something" there.

The lowest point I reached was when I started to go swimming with every once in a while with a pretty overweight and out of shape friend of mine. Trying to get him to sit on me all the time and so on. I literally used this poor guy to satisfy my fetish needs and I hate myself for that.

On the outside I am a normal guy, but on the inside I am dying of shame, disgust, guilt and anxiety. This behaviour, consuming fetish content, chatting on gay sites and shit would continue until last year. Last year was when It hit me. I am 23/24, never had a girlfriend, never had sex, still a virgin, pretty much unexperienced around women and felt like I failed my parents. I dont even know if what I typed above makes sense, but this is what and how I feel right now.

Now, to be completely honest, my HOCD went away, as I realized that this is nothing more than just a fetish which pretty much altered my arousal template and completely messed it up, but the only thing that makes me anxious and depressed is the fact that I cant see a way out. I dont know if I will ever be able to reach the same sexual satisfaction with a normal women. There is nothing I want more in life than a normal relationship where there is love, bond and emotional connection. I moved on from my fetish porn addiction and dont act upon it. I am on day 16 and I dont even have urges at all but my I get erections even by the slightest thought of fetish porn. I tried accepting it all. I tried accepting that Im just gay, but that doesnt make any sense, that I might be bi, but I cant see myself having sex with a man, never, or that I might just be fucked up and my brain was destroyed forever. That I did accept: I am a fucked up human being.

Now moving on, I realized that maybe my exposure to that scene in kindergarden might have traumatized me or wounded my inner child and porn had fueled it to the point where my tastes had morphed into something gross and ugly. That might even be true. When my kindergarden teacher sat on that kid, he looked helpless, unable to do anything and just had to accept his "fate". Sounds like domination in a sense, doesnt it? Maybe I wanted to be "used" like he was, and be dominated like was? But why mostly from male people? I dont know. Probably because I can satisfy my fetish needs easier with male friends than with a female. It is an easier to reach source of dopamine for my brain.

Now today, I quit for good, after relapsing many times and paying for content. Straight and gay content. But I am on day 16 now. 100% sure that this fetish left its mark in my brain, or even messed up my arousal pattern. I dont know what else I find arousing besides that BS. I am scared of the future and not being able to have normal sex with an actual women that I love. All this time I was objectifying everyone that had the potential so squash me, I never learned what its like to love and to care. I am deeply disgusted with myself I even considered suicide at one point. So confused.

Like I said I already quit porn, and already considering therapy so I know about that. But Will I ever be able to recover or to change? Especially if I had this ever since I was a little boy??

 

I apologize for the long text. I just need serious help. I feel numb and emotionless. I am in a constant state of fear. Feels like everyone is living their best life and im here wondering what the heck I actually am attracted to and just regret everything I did and have done up to this point. I am 100% sure I am straight, as this fetish isnt something that could possibly ever define a persons orientation, but I am scared that my brain is completely messed up and that I will never change. My biggest fear, is that I will never be able to get it up for my future wife. Or that I will never know whats like to love someone. I hate having this fat/squashing fetish and would do everything to get rid of this, but unfortunately... thats not how it works.... Im so disappointed in myself. Its always me, idk why.

Any advice? Any help? Is that trauma based, am I just weird, what the heck is going on?

I appreciate you guys for reading till the end, and I apologize for my english.

Thanks guys.

 

I know that there's nothing wrong with being gay, but I cannot identify myself as a gay person. I just can't. I can Only see myself getting together with a woman. This fetish is out of control..