(16 Y/O) Struggling with My Identity: Sissy Porn

Hey guys, first post so hopefully this explains a lot!

For the past two years, I've been on a constant power struggle in my head between who I am vs who I fantasize I am. Currently, I'm participating No Nut November and so far I've been managing very well, currently at the time of writing: 23 days in. After November, I do plan to keep going with my streak.

My Story So Far:
Growing up I grew up mostly with my cousins and other relatives because my parents were constantly at work. The problem is that most, if not 90%, of my cousins and relatives are all female. In fact, the cousin I'm closest to and who I basically consider a sibling is also female. As a result, I grew up with a lot of feminine influences in my life. The first time I got aroused or liked the thought of being a girl was around the age of 8. I remember watching a cartoon on Cartoon Network one day and there was a scene in which the main character was thrown into this weird machine and then came out looking like a girl. I don't know why but I liked it and from then on I'd get these urges periodically. Such as around the age of 10, my closest cousin (same age as I am) came over to sleepover. I remember after she showered it was my turn, and I remember secretly putting on her night gown just to see how it felt and I got aroused by it. Another time when I was 10, my family went to a Macy's in a mall. I took the chance to secretly put on heels every now and then. Right before we left I got caught by my dad, and I remember being extremely embarrassed and my dad asked if I was gay, I replied No and today I'm still straight. After that incident, I stopped for a while but secretly and unknowingly masturbated at night. (At the time I had no idea what I was doing, but it felt good) Around the age of 12 & 13 got my first laptop, and eventually I discovered porn. It started with normal vanilla and then I hit the "jackpot" (no pun intended) and found sissy porn. Immediately, I was hooked and it was horrible. My main source

Spoiler: (May Trigger)

of these were from Tumblr where there would be these gifs that would have various commanding captions like "Submit", "You love cock", "Imagine being her", even worse ,the ones that mostly aroused me, were the ones that depicted a situation in which the only option was to submit/degrade yourself to someone. Such as being caught by a landlord while all dolled up and forced to be blackmailed and fuck so he wouldn't tell.

This went on almost every night or two for about 2 years until I became 15. What got me to stop from that constant cycle was watching a video by the *** on NoFap and the dangers and effects of porn. At this point it was my realization and I was terrified from what I have done to myself. I immediately tried to stop cold turkey ,but that eventually failed. Though from that attempt it came from every other day to about once a week. Throughout that summer I did various more attempts and actually made it to around a month before relapsing again. This time though it was not from Tumblr, it was from sissy stories from another website much like the ones in Tumblr but longer and more in detail. These stories were so well written as well and it felt like I was actually there, as a result these were engraved in my brain. Every now and then at night I'd get into these wet dream stages for like seemingly hours constantly imagining a completely new scene in my head and me as a girl being forced to fuck or submitting this would go on while I constantly moved into different positions to resist masturbation.

Spoiler: May Trigger

When I was younger I had these dreams as well, but without being fucked just crossdressing.

Even worse is that I added my personality into those dreams and when I'd wake up the next day I'd remember them. The problem turns worse when I am at school and I'd see a girl sometimes I'd say in my head "Oh wow she looks pretty, I wish I was her." Sometimes in the daytime I'd daydream me as a girl. But the problem is I know I'm not and won't ever will be (I hope). You see I did and liked your normal boy things as well. Such as playing sports and stuff. But all of this makes me confused, and I'm constantly fighting with myself in my head on who I am. I'm scared though, because I know if I badly relapse there is a chance of me getting stuck in a period again. I'm afraid of losing myself and becoming someone else. One instance presently is that my friends pretty much decided I'm the "girl" in their group. In which I don't really mind because it's all fun and games, but still it's weird. What's also weird is that I have no drive to exercise, partially because half of me loves my slender "girlish" body but the other half knows that I should be healthier and stronger. Another part is because of time (I'm in high school) and my parent's financial state. I don't know if I'm trans because the thought of becoming one seems like a nightmare especially financially, but if I had the chance to magically change I would. Though, at the moment I'm heading pretty strong and it is my goal to make it through November at least. I posted this to explain my story, find some support, and maybe make some friends to dm our progress with. Thanks for reading.

- KaezynK

 

More In-Depth Childhood: I have a highly-sensitive personality which basically means I feel things more intensely than others. In my childhood, especially when I was very young, I cried a lot about things. Even the most basic things such as losing a pencil or something. This fueled some rejection in my life. My dad really did not understand it and kinda just told me to get over it, I've lost some friends over this. This links to it because I became pretty emotionless during the times when I viewed porn, which is odd because I usually show a lot of emotion. Nowadays, I'm a lot better now with my emotions. I know my true friends and currently pretty much happy with myself besides the porn problem.