18 / Addicted to Findom / Unable to be intimate - Can I Escape?

I hadn't planned on introducing myself but I'm beginning to realise I'm in a more dire situation than I first thought.

I'm 18 and I'm addicted to porn and financial domination (when men/women humiliate you online and demand you send them money). I watch porn daily and it's not uncommon for me to masturbate more than once a night too. I realised last June I had a problem when my boyfriend (at the time) told me I should try to stop masturbating. I think he realised I was having trouble being intimate with him.
There was an instance when we were at a party and found ourselves alone in a spare-bedroom upstairs, we decided to masturbate together but it was taking me ages to reach a climax. I was trying to be in the moment with him but in my head I was having to imagine things to become aroused, like I was being used or that he was forcing me to do it. (even though I found him attractive and would've loved so much to have real intimacy with him)

As per his request I began my NoFap journey that day, unsurprisingly though he broke up with me 9 days later and that night I broke my No-PMO streak in despair and dove straight back into Porn (and domination, and findom, etc...). - Until now...

That pretty much sums up all my experiences with intimacy: Awkward, Unpleasant, and ending in Shame.

The experiences go something like this:

• At 16 I lost my virginity with a girl (I am gay but I tried to deny it - which didn't work). I downed a bottle of wine and pummelled through half an hour of uncomfortableness; me imagining a guy was using me meanwhile fucking a girl I wasn't attracted to, and eventually faking an orgasm - thank God I had a condom on and she didn't realise.
• I had a few other experiences with girls, one was okay-ish but only because I imagined she was using me and humiliating me and I was just there for her pleasure.
• I've since come to terms with my sexuality and I am fully out of the closet and happy with that.
• I've had about 5 other encounters with random guys since (many of them using apps like Grindr), all of them driven by impulsiveness and could've got me seriously harmed if I had not been so lucky. All of them involved me imagining the guy was using me in order for me to reach climax and eventually unload. (during 2 of them I suffered PIED... that was awkward as fuck, I just told him to keep on fucking me and ignore it, fuck my life) Then I had to leave and pretend I had a great time, whilst internally being ashamed of myself and denying I had a problem.
• And meanwhile, every night masturbating to increasingly shameful porn, hating this side of my life, and thinking I'm never going to be loved or have a normal relationship.

Since last November (2016) I've spent over $1250 on my financial domination addiction, needless to say I'm now very skint. On top of just financial domination I've begun to send humiliating pictures of myself, doing weirder and weirder things (most recently drinking my own piss), and more dangerous loss of control, like teamviewer cash-rapes, all in pursuit of the next amazing-orgasm.

In my everyday life I am a successful academic and I'm about to start my first year of university at a great college. I have hobbies, friends, a great family and upbringing, motivation, goals, and I think a decent amount of self-esteem too. I'm also blessed with great mental-health, so I'm struggling to identify an "underlying cause" to my fetishes/addictions as some people have recommended. (Any help here would be appreciated!)

It's just when it comes to hormones and intimacy I have become so messed up.

The idea of a reboot sounds nice, a 90 day challenge to help get rid of these desires and to reconnect with what naturally turns me on, but it's not going to be easy. We all know porn lurks in your visual memory and is hard to escape, but financial domination is a whole new ball-game. It completely fucks with your mind and it's a nightmare to escape (if that's even a possibility...).

I don't want to be alone, without love in my life, and financially ruined, but right now that is where my life is heading...

What I do want is to go to university in 2/3months time with a fresh mind-set, the ability to connect with guys and have normal relationships with sensational intimacy. Is this even a possibility, or am I stuck with these desires? Has my ever-escalating porn habits caused this nightmare or is it just in my nature? HELPPPP...??

Sorry to ramble, I'll be signing off now. All the best to everyone and their own NoFap Journeys, and I welcome your feedback.

 

Thanks for your responses guys, it's nice to get some feedback!

@Ginza Thank you for your kind words I totally agree, it's a never-ending cycle and I'm concerned that if I'm already this bad at the age of 18, goodness knows how bad I'll be when I'm 25, 30, or even 50. I'm intrigued to see whether PMO turns my current crippling fetishes into small kinks, or eliminates them entirely. I'm pretty sure my current situation isn't naturally caused, so it must have been created or accelerated by outside factors like porn. Hopefully after my PMO challenge I'll be able to see for myself and let you know the outcome!

@D . J . Currently I'm just taking it one day at a time, keeping myself busy (with exams) and trying to focus on the future. When the inevitable urges come I think I'll be back on these forums looking for advice and guidance about how to last to 90 days (and beyond!).