18. Just Graduated, and one week away from my 90 days of no PMO

So I've never actually posted here before. I just actively ghosted and read other people's blogs and such. I'm coming to the end of my challenge, so here is my story:

The first two weeks were unbearably long. All my I could do was gaze at the ass and cleavage of the women around me and lust over the fantastical imagery that have been placed in my mind by pornography. This period of time sucked, but it was nothing compared to the myriad of torturous days that followed.

After the first two-to-four week period was over, I felt a sort of calm serenity come over me. The chronic urges to masturbate stopped. I started engaging in more direct, deep and meaningful conversations with both men and women alike. As you are reading this, you are probably wondering what hell was unleashed upon me.

A really close friend of mine died, and like most things in our life, we try to diffuse situations and displace our chaotic swirling mess of emotions through other activities that can give us a rush of pleasure (dopamine). For me, the two main things I used to displace my emotions were masturbation and eating. I remember the long nights of pain and torture that followed my friend's passing. I was too grief stricken to go to sleep, and I was too grief stricken to do anything else other than lie in bed, and of course, habit told me that when I am sad, and I'm lying in bed - I should OBVIOUSLY masturbate. It was a battle of sheer willpower and the lizard brain in my head screaming for that hit of dopamine.

These nights could last until 4 in the morning, and there were more events that triggered these situations than just my friend's death. Such is life.

I met someone at the halfway mark. And I fell for her, and as luck would have it (and possibly as the NoFap Challenge would have it) she fell for me as well.

We started officially dating around my 60 day mark. And it was amazing, I was so happy being with her, but there was one thing bothering me in the back of my mind. She was a very sexually active person, and how could I explain to her that we couldn't have sex. I started thinking, "Well...not masturbating has given me a girlfriend, which was the only reason I joined it, right???"

No. I didn't join just to become someone else's boyfriend. I joined so I could become so much more.

When her and I made out for the first time, one thing led to another, and she told me she wanted it (sex). This was an amazing ego boost for me, but I told her no. (Obviously I didn't just straight up say "NO WTF?!?" in the middle of our make-out session. I surprisingly knew how to pull it off in a sexy and teasing way.) I explained to her later that although I've had other forms of sex, I have not lost my virginity, and in fact I was actually scared about loosing it.

Past that conversation, I also revealed to her the 3 major reasons why I wasn't ready to have sex.

1. I was on the NoFap Challenge
   1. and I had one month to go.
2. I grew up with the romantic fantasy of loosing my virginity to someone I was deeply and truly in love with.
   1. and I wasn't in "LOVE"-love with her.
   2. Not yet...
3. I didn't want just be another guy who's virginity she took.
   1. I wanted to be special. I wanted to be loved.
   2. To help my insecurity, I would constantly joke that our cliche roles have been gender swapped, and that I am now the girl dating the guy who has had sex all the time. And she doesn't want to be just another girl on his "hit-list"
   3. All jokes aside, this is how I felt.

To my surprise, she was totally accepting and understanding of my situation...
She has proven to me that her feelings for me run deeper than anything we could have through sex (pun intended )

I would also like to say here, that I would not let her touch me. Not because I didn't want it, but in addition to making it unbearable teasing for her, it also gave me sanity that I was sticking to the NoFap challenge. This however did not stop me from pleasing her. From the confidence I gained through fortifying masculinity, building my confidence, and raising my testosterone levels through abstinence, she became the first girl that I ever fingered (Which was also scary as shit for me, but I did it, and pulled it off with confidence). It was at this point that I realized a lot of what happens in the bedroom is based off of experimentation, and I guess I'm a fast learner . And yes, I know that statement is coming from a virgin teenager LOL.

Here I am at my 82nd day, with just one week left. I feel more alive than ever, and my livelihood feels real, and not just the result of some instantly-gratifying hit of dopamine. My relationship with women and men feel deeper and more raw, and my relationship with myself has seen the most improvement of all. I am more in touch with myself and what in means to be a human being , and what it means to be me.

When I say that I have a week left, I must emphasize that it is the HARD-mode no-PMO challenge that I have a week left for. Regarding masturbation, and pornography however, this has become a lifestyle change for me, and I don't intend to stop. The NoFap challenge will continue for me for the rest of my life. I want to thank you all for this journey, and I wish success, smiles and happiness upon all of you.

And perhaps...I shall start posting here more as my journey continues

 

Thank you for your kindness. It means alot.

 

Thank you for reaching out and sharing your story with me. I wholeheartedly agree that this is a problem that we young men (and women) are facing together. Great on you for having the strength to push away the porn sites for a month! And I have no doubt that you will continue on. I wish you luck with that girl of yours

 

Mon frère, merci pour votre empathie. Ce fut un voyage difficile pour moi. Cela signifie le monde pour moi de savoir que mon histoire peut engendrer aux autres la grandeur. Je vous souhaite bonne chance à ce défi. C'est difficile. Extrêmement difficile. Mais, mon frère, ne cède pas. Continuez à vous battre!

Moi aussi, j'ai commencé à me masturber il y a 7 ans. En tant qu'animaux, nous n'avions aucune idée de la quantité de pornographie et de masterbation qui nous irrivait psychologiquement.

Pardonnez-moi pour mon terrible français. C'est la mesure dans laquelle j'ai appris les cours du secondaire.