18yo old with femdom addiction, will it ever change

Discussion in 'Porn Addiction' started by TimeForCollege, May 8, 2020.

  1. TimeForCollege

    TimeForCollege Fapstronaut

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    Hey, I started NoFap about 2 weeks ago. Porn has led me down some dark roads, I have starting jerking to unwanted and frankly quite hardcore and disgusting fetishes. Being 18, I feel as though they are taking my life away from me, and hurting me in unimaginable ways. Over the past two years, I have gone from vanilla interests to scat fetish pornography, and I am abhorred by the fact that I don't even find it disgusting anymore. I have slowly developed a feeling of unworthiness jerking off to femdom porn, I want out, any advice would be appreciated.
     
  2. You're in the right place. Stop now and it will get better. Don't stop and it will get worse.
     
  3. Hi! Thanks for taking the time to share. It's very brave of you and an important first step in terms of recovery. I can share from my personal experience that I became a porn addict at 16. At first seeing someone naked was fine for me, but over time I needed more explicit content in order to get off. I was always shocked and scared to see such disrespect, anger, and violence hurled towards women. But I was a lonely kid who lived in a small town and there wasn't many girls interested in me. Since that fact did not make me feel good, I would always escape to porn by seeing beautiful women perform sex act. If i couldn't get what i wanted in real life, I would daydream and fantasize about getting what i wanted to cope with this painful feeling of being unwanted. After 8 years of being an addict, I could only watch the hardcore content in order to feel excitement and stimulation. My lowest point was jerking off to a video of a guy peeing on a girl. I was shocked and horrified that my addiction would lead me to do something i would object so strongly.

    I'm not sure how long you've been a porn user or when you were first exposed. What i recommend is to not go cold turkey right away, because it could make the subconscious part of you act out and potentially push you deeper into binging on porn. But please take what i said with a grain of salt, definitely give cold turkey a try if you feel is helpful. I would recommend setting small goals to gradually weaning yourself off of porn, masturbation, and orgasm, and once you have the confidence, to set bigger goals.

    You're very young and have a bright future ahead of you. College is an opportunity to meet people, have fun, learn, and experience self growth. You won't get the full benefit of the college experience if you're stuck in your room for hours satisfying your dark urges. That would be ashame as you'll miss out on a lot of opportunities that are either fun or help you grow.

    I wish i can go back in time and tell my 16 year old self that frequent porn use leads to a lot of regret and shame, as well as holding me back from what I want to attain. I didn't take full advantage of my college experience because i was stuck in my room on the weekends hoping my roommate would leave so i can watch porn and masturbate. But I digress, it also sounds like you're traumatized by some of the content you've seen. Don't worry it's completely normal and a lot of people feel the same way. If you're serious about recovery, i would recommend signing up for a support group on this site. Personally, I didn't think i needed the support group because i didn't have a good experience in another support group called sex and love addiction, but my weekly accountability group has been super helpful for my recovery. It's a breath of fresh air to not have to always hide my dark secrets and get an opportunity in a safe space where I'm not judged to share what I'm going through. I find that by frequently sharing my feelings i have a little more strength to resist my urges, but in order to build strength you have to do it on day to day basis. The work you put in day after day leads to better results, it's like working out. You won't gain muscles after a day, but a few weeks.

    Anyways, thanks for reading this long message. Hope what i wrote is helpful and I hope you can believe that it's never too late to want to change and want something better for yourself.

    Hope this long winded message was helpful.
     
    Last edited: May 8, 2020
  4. TimeForCollege

    TimeForCollege Fapstronaut

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    Hey, Thanks for your input! I would say, it is rare that porn affects me like that, normally when I am busy, I don't need it, and especially what I have seen is when I am out of town, I tend to almost forget about it. But I always seem to go back to it out of boredom, and then slowly the times I am bored I am watching 6-7hrs a day and I end up doing nothing productive unless I have to otherwise because of some deadline or something. I was first exposed at I think 14-15 years of age so it hasn't been very long. I think I used porn as a way to deal with rejection, and eventually, as you said, I couldn't get it in real life so I resorted to porn. I have been successful in most aspects of my life, but this is one that is really hurting what I have been able to do, I think I have gotten to the point to where my feeling of being unwanted stems from watching porn, as I do think in real life I have passed up on many opportunities to get a girlfriend. Which may be due to the fact that my parents impose strict restrictions in that area which may have led to me watching porn in the first place. Anyway I digress, I really appreciate your input, its nice to know i'm not the only one that has suffered from something like this. I think I have the willpower to go cold turkey, I have for the past 2 weeks, its just very difficult due to the boredom imposed by corona, but I am trying. I will be sure to try a support or accountability group out!
     
  5. TimeForCollege

    TimeForCollege Fapstronaut

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    I have tried that before, but without going cold turkey, I always end up going to hardcore and honestly quite perverted shit.
     
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  6. TimeForCollege

    TimeForCollege Fapstronaut

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    I feel like I have reached the worse it could get to be honest, I don't know what else could get worse.
     
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  7. You need to analyze your emotions and behavior. Understanding your feelings would help to understand why you choose this shit and understanding your behavior would help you to prevent going to this shit. F.e. I watched femdom after long use of social media and YouTube. When I highly limited usage of these shits, I haven't gone to watch any porn. Make you stronger and use many advice there (a cold shower, meditating, exercising, walking, running, 5-htp or another supplement, reading, being creative[write poems or draw, I had my longest 36 days streak because every day I wrote poems about my demons]). Many tools = stronger persistence
     
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  8. TimeForCollege

    TimeForCollege Fapstronaut

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    Thank you, I’ve been using cold showers and trying as much excersise as I can with a sprained ankle and closed gyms, but poems sounds like a rlly cool way to get it out imma have to try that
     
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  9. 123Dele

    123Dele Fapstronaut

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    I have found the perfect way for anyone struggling with addiction to any variation of femdom videos and is wanting to make a change.

    When doing this you may find yourself in a position to be triggered to m but this is about overcoming that using will power.
    If you feel like you can not watch a femdom video without m then start small something small and work your way up to what turns you on the most. For example you could start with femdom videos that are very poorly acted. You’ll see when you read the instructions.
    •firstly I started with a video that made me relapse it was a femdom related office instruction video, now she tried her best to humiliate me verbally but every time she’d insult me I’d throw an insult right back at her and you’ll find she becomes less attractive and dominant when you make fun of their act.
    For example she way saying something like you have a small penis and I would say in my head or out loud you wouldn’t be saying that if my dick was in your mouth, you’d shut your bratty mouth up then. It realised to me that as I broke down her act to seduce me it wasn’t that enticing and dominant it was really a pathetic performance of bullying. From this I could build it up towards more enticing femdom videos with a real good Dom in it.
    Please try this and reply with the feedback on how it helped it isn’t long term recovery imo but I think it will help if your watching one of them videos and wanted to pmo
    stay strong brothers
    123Dele
     
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  10. RubiconZ

    RubiconZ Fapstronaut

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    I'm in my late 20s. I was where you are (though not with scat, it was something else), and I didn't stop. Trust me, it does not get better on its own. You are feeding this thing in you and it will mess up your 20s if you let it. I was in such a dark place I couldn't see the wood for the trees. I have so many regrets now, but I'm trying to clean up.

    Please, do not quit this forum.
     
  11. TimeForCollege

    TimeForCollege Fapstronaut

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    I’m just so embarrassed that my brain is into this stuff, and I don’t want it to ruin my life, but idk there are just times where I feel alone and helpless. Like what if this never changes, what if there’s something fundamentally wrong with me, it makes me wanna die
     
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  12. Saurav04

    Saurav04 Fapstronaut

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    That's very honest of you. I can relate to that. I hope we all can live PMO free life
     
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  13. gainmyliberty

    gainmyliberty New Fapstronaut

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    I also suffer from an addition to FemDom porn which also led to the same category of fetish porn you mentioned in the OP. If you're just 2 years into it i would suggest you stop, just don't watch it anymore. It feels wrong and disgusting because IT IS! It will only get worse, urges will only get more intense, fantasies more complex. It just ruins you in every possible way. Try to atleast dial it back to less depraved fetishes, i wish i had when i first started. Think about how you feel about yourself after watching that kind of stuff and write it down. It's tough and i'm fighting the same fight but you have to start somewhere.
     
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  14. TimeForCollege

    TimeForCollege Fapstronaut

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    I’ve been on nofap for about 10-15 days now, the urge to jerkoff to it is a lot milder, but the urge itself is still there. It’s really a bummer.
     
  15. Rav70

    Rav70 Fapstronaut

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    Watch Eli Nash on YouTube. Escaping Porn Addiction. Shame is a great burden to carry.
     
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  16. TimeForCollege

    TimeForCollege Fapstronaut

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    While I haven’t been watching porn for almost two to three weeks now, I’m really struggling with self esteem and self confidence now. Porn was my go to stress relief and now that that’s gone I’m not sure what I can do.
     
  17. Rav70

    Rav70 Fapstronaut

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    Exercise? Gardening? Reading? Gotta find something and quickly.
     
  18. TimeForCollege

    TimeForCollege Fapstronaut

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    Used to excersise until I hurt myself, so I can’t anymore, I need something tho!!!
     
  19. ImASinnerWhoJesusSaved

    ImASinnerWhoJesusSaved Fapstronaut

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    It's ok to feel shame! That is partly your brain and body telling you, "This is NOT healthy! Stop!" Think about it, if you didn't feel any shame, wouldn't that be way worse??? If you didn't have shame, there would be very little motivation to live healthy and quit porn.

    So use that shame to your advantage. Know that it exists, and accept it. Talk to other people about your shame, it's ok. I was super ashamed of my porn use, and I slowly was able to open up to a variety of people about it. It's crazy how most of the people I have ever opened up to about it have said, "Oh yeah, I used to be (or still am) addicted to porn too!" I understand that you might feel that your addiction is "worse" because you are looking at things that are "extra bad" or whatever. I don't see much point in discussing the degrees of badness of porn (sure some things are worse than others) but it is all bad.

    You also said you worry that there is something fundamentally wrong with you. From my own personal standpoint, I feel like there WAS something wrong with me, and for me, I find that God is the only way to be healed of that. (I'm not trying to force my religion, I'm just saying that to show that it's ok to feel really bad sometimes).

    You're doing great!! Right now that you're a week or two on NoFap you're going to obviously feel a little strange. It's weird to imagine a future without your best "friend" Porn sitting beside you. I can imagine your future man, it can be pretty amazing. I imagine you choosing to part ways with porn and never going back. And if you one day come across porn again, you smile and say, "No thanks :)"
     
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  20. TimeForCollege

    TimeForCollege Fapstronaut

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    it’s not necessarily shame ig. If I begin to think about it, it stems for the need to be accepted. While I would consider myself pretty highly accomplished in regular life, that had led to a lot of judgement and jealousy. And because of it I have begun to hate myself for who I am, and for working hard and accomplishing things. I think Femdom was a way for me to rlly be degraded to the point where maybe I’d be worth something to someone. It just feels like the world is against me, and now it feels like the porn I’ve been addicted to is against me, and it feels like it’s the end of the road and there’s no way out. I’ve been free for a while now but without that I still don’t know how to build the self worth I have completely lost bein addicted to femdom
     

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