(19 Y/O - 28 Y/O) Insecurity in a relationship

Discussion in 'Dating during a Reboot' started by Deleted Account, Jul 19, 2018.

  1. Salvete everyone,

    You may have seen some of my recent threads on another section of this forum, and I thank you for reading them, and I hope you took something away. I am a nineteen year old student living in England, and I have been dating a twenty-eight year old (her birthday was a matter of days ago) Ukrainian girl since late February. We went 'official' about a month ago, and despite both having busy lives we have spent a lot of time together including consecutive days staying over at each other's houses (until I return to university I am living at home which, by public transport, is about an hour away and she lives with her mother, brother and two dogs). Despite me being as 'young' as I am, I am very intellectual and intelligent, and I am very mature and a lot of the usual pursuits of guys my age (i.e. chasing tail, drinking and partying) do not have much allure for me. I read extensively, I work out regularly and I am working on my own novel, among other things, and she too reads a great deal, exercises a lot and looks stunning (she used to model extensively, and I mistook her for twenty when we met, and she has been mistaken for as young as eighteen). Think Elsa from Frozen and you have a mental picture of what she looks like.

    Across our relationship, she has expressed concern about the age gap, and has flip-flopped (for lack of a better term) between thinking it is a little too much and not caring about it whatsoever, saying she feels young around me (even though she still is) and the fact that I am leading, direct and masculine and take the lead most of the time in making decisions and so forth helps greatly. In this regard, I have came a long, long way, as even a few years ago my autism and social anxiety was significant, certainly not helped by PMO. I strongly suspect that the latter here is a considerable influence on my insecurity, which I will elaborate on in a moment. I struggled with girls for a long time, and often doubted my worth regarding being worthy and enough for a girl. Self-improvement and time changed a lot of that, but it lingers still. Even though we just yesterday and the day after spend all of that time together - she also said or the first time that she loved me when we were having sex, all it takes is not getting a response for a text message sent late last night into the afternoon of today (I write this at around 2:30 PM) to spark worry, anxiety and insecurity.

    It feels like something I am having to battle very often. She couldn't stop covering me in hugs, kisses and so on over the last two days, in general we cannot keep our hands off each other, and on the whole I am as good a boyfriend as I can possibly be - we often split on dates for food, drink and so on, and where it is reasonable I will pick up the tab. Others times she will. I know that women are emotionally-centred human beings, so feelings can change and sometimes quite drastically. Taking all the things we have done together, the chapters we have written (that sounds cringe-worthy, I acknowledge) and how much she has invested into me and into us, I know that our relationship could not be better or stronger. She's been making plans and suggesting things for us to do as far ahead as September. All because I do not hear from her for a short while it does not mean the relationship has collapsed. Being a student of ancient history and the classics, where we touch on archaeology, I am well aware of the fact that absence of evidence is not evidence of absence. It is not as if I respond instantly to her texts or calls; I leave responding to her at least 10-15 minutes when I am busy with something, and often much long, and she does the same, being busy with her job as well as her own YouTube channel, blog and so on. She's an awesome girlfriend too - very feminine, beautiful, has values and standards and I can have an engaging conversation with her on so many topics. Two days ago when we went for dinner we got talking about Christianity and having learnt up on this topic (not deeply, but enough) I got talking, and she randomly leaned over and started kissing me, saying that seeing and listening to me talk so intelligently was very attractive. Our chemistry in person is great, and we practically do not argue, and often finish each other's sentences and thoughts. There are no alarm flags as far as I can see, and I am on top of my game academically, socially, physically and elsewhere, yet still I feel insecurity bubbling and arising over small things that really are not a big deal and that I know are not a big deal. I am not being a needy guy who constantly blows up her phone, calls her compulsively and buys her gifts constantly. What irritates me immensely is looking at my phone, for example, and hours after sending a text the last evening and it is, say, nearly 5 PM and I have not had a text back and feeling that knot of anxiety bloom in my stomach.

    In the beginning, when we were just dating, having fun and sleeping together, I did not feel the insecurity that I do now; initially we were just sleeping together casually, and whilst I started to see her as someone I could enter a long-term relationship with, she thought I saw both of us as only having fun together, nothing more serious than that. Her views on that changed when I began spending more time with her and invited her to spend my birthday with me and meet my parents. In a surprising turn of events, my own mother met her mother and brother last night when they were walking their two dogs when my mother was dropping her off at home as it was getting late. She has told me that her mother, out of all the men she has dated, she likes the sound of me the most, and I know that for Eastern European girls family and their approval thereof is very important. She has expressed a desire to start a family in time, and you could say that she has caught 'baby-rabies'. I am only about to begin my second year of university, and I will graduate in 2020. I have thought long and hard about this, and I am honest when I say that I would consider having children with her when the time feels right, and in truth I feel little pull towards scoring notches on my bedpost. I want to build a legacy, create, give back to the world, and improve myself in every area.

    Perhaps this is where part of my insecurity comes from, but I am certain of little in this regard. It is important to note that I know that, if this relationship was to end, I can and would find other women to date, and I know my value and I know I am very attractive as a man and human being. It is not that I think she is the 'only one'. I know this has been a long post, and I am thankful for the advice offered by any of you.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 19, 2018
  2. MetaGame

    MetaGame Fapstronaut

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    Your post is pretty articulate and you do sound intelligent yet constrained. Also pretty stoic, not just because of our signature but your style of writing seems to have been influenced from the way stoics write. I am sure your novel will be great. I recently finished a novel myself, feel free to send me what you have written so far.

    I empathize with your situation. When I was about that age I dated a few older women myself. I also have had similar thoughts in regards to who I date. At that age especially if you are intelligent you are brimming with potential, better yet you are in uni where that may be improved. And you have glimpsed your potential and you are towing the line between self importance or appreciating what you have.

    It is a rough line. And a bad relationship especially in UNI can jeopardize your trajectory. It did for me. I came out of high school a chess champion, beat my depression and started studying programming and psychology. Then this woman I fell for wrecked me. Now I am not saying that will happen to you and actually its not even necessarily the same train of thought.

    Because I look at my current situation. Its also like I have very attractive, intelligent and successful women around me who will help me improve the world and have already helped me improve myself. And I love my gf but she isn't as ambitious, charitable or an intellectual. And when you put it across really raw. It sounds pretty bad but I will tell you what I have learnt and out of it you would be intelligent enough to see what applies and how you would improve on it.

    Firstly as a man its somewhat normal to want success/legacy and all that. But you should really sit and ask yourself exactly why you want it. Like on an emotional level and then logically.
    How much of that is ego?

    You want to give back to the world. Does she make you a better person and will help you in that goal?
    I am in 3 charitable ngos. One of which I have chaired. I would be lying if I said having a different gf would make me more effective at charity. So that brings weird questions. Like then given how many people u could have helped, how immoral is it that you are with someone who jeopardizes that. Like these are thoughts when you are at a certain of level of thought you face all the time. And you are lucky you can articulate that at a young age. And also that u understand she may not be the only one.

    Like you use the term insecurity and maybe u have some. But there are some real snake pits here man whether its intentional or not. Thats not random anxiety or insecurity. Thats your nervous system telling you to pause.

    My advice is to love and appreciate ur relationship. Don't have children till you are out of uni and have a stable job/career path. Don't take yourself too seriously. Right now you are potential. You could take yourself as seriously as I did still not realize that potential. As a person no one can tell you how much you should reduce ambition or a need to make huge impact in the world or how much of a waste your intelligence might be. They can say that based on some values but reality isn't like that. No one knows exactly what the right choice will be because even a lovely gf can change your trajectory or she could improve it. It just depends on how you steer it.

    Stoicism can help you deal with it but ironically I don't think its necessarily what will make you do the right thing. All you can really do is appreciate her, understand her place in ur life and not take urself too seriously. Its normal to feel how you feel because its not an overreaction. And you are smart enough to isolate it and mention it on a forum. No kids for now, Don't worry about the age difference yet but dont string her along either. At her age she will want kids and thats normal too. Be honest if u feel young and not ready.

    I also want to say often women give you what you need even when you didnt ask for it. If you love ur gf and u dont fight. Its a sign that she is giving what you need on a deep level beyond your cognition. That doesnt mean it will work out but it means she may actually have more to teach you about yourself.

    Its really weird. My gf is really feminine as well, hot, shes very extroverted and is starting a youtube channel and all that. Sometimes logic / stoicism actually can be enhanced by an opposite. Maybe you should see how she can enrich ur future needs. Or u can have separate lives and not worry so much. She might make a good mother where u can still do everything u want to do.

    Its a complex situation. Just dont do it now.
     
    Last edited: Jul 19, 2018
  3. - YUGEN

    - YUGEN Fapstronaut

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    This caught my attention. You might have tried to give enough context on this issue since the acquaintances from where you live aren't quite entertaining. A couple that can finish their own thoughts is quite amusing to interact with. My shot is you are being susceptible to unsconcious anxiety produced by the lack of quality human contact when you aren't "busy". Interactions like that serve also as stress relief. On a superficial nature you are annoyed by her delayed response on texting. That also might be cover for desiring collective leisure time that's actually not planned for the day.
    Now that you've found people irl who you ACTUALLY click, this seemingly sense of worriness is your brain signalling to find more human beings like her. It might be desperate since you found one who's not college age categorized.
    We self improvement junkies are a bit neurotic when things seem smooth. The stoic side of ours tends to freak out since it never thinks we will be able to reach the eye of the storm, for that reason it creates struggle out of thin air. It's like we always have to have our enemy in sight, always searching for some "spiritual" obstacle to surpass. As it says: if you're not progressing you're being left behind.
    Constantly bettering oneself is also about finding more solid barriers to overcome. Now that someone confirmed that you are as great as you purpose to be, reaching a new level can be twice as difficult, if not more.
    As the guy above said. Reduce the amount of seriousness. Our personality tends to unconsciously seek resistance, so, in short, make effort to think less during meaningful events. Learn to gradually get out of your own way.

    And also, apologies for taking so long. I'm in a bad place and just now getting the hang on how to deal with this.
     
    Last edited: Jul 24, 2018
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  4. Jason_Tesla_19

    Jason_Tesla_19 Fapstronaut

    Nine years is a pretty big age gap, but not insurmountable. It's unusual in the West for men to be with women older than them, but I actually think this is ideal, as women have longer lifespans than men. I've personally always had a thing for women a little older than me.

    It sounds like you have a good relationship, but it really takes about 3 months at least to really start to get to know someone, so try to avoid making any big decisions about her for a couple more months at least. Her clock will probably be ticking in her head, and she may want to have children before you might feel ready, such as before you graduate university. That is one thing you want to be aware of with that age gap between you.

    I know at 19 I was pretty immature, and I had a chance to have a serious relationship with a great woman, that I think would have ended up with marriage and children, but I was scared and burnt that bridge. At 21 I had a semi-serious relationship with a woman, and she was younger than me, but she wanted to move faster than me, so she left me, which hurt at the time, but I feel I dodged a bullet. I'm really only starting to feel mature enough for marriage and children now that I'm 30, but I am a late bloomer. You might be a bit precocious, but it is something to seriously ask yourself: do you feel like you are genuinely ready to get married and possibly have children within the next two or three years? Do you feel ready for that kind of responsibility? If not, you need to tell her, so she doesn't waste her prime years. Even if you do feel ready, she may well want to move faster than you.
     

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