(19 Y/O - 28 Y/O) Insecurity in a relationship

Your post is pretty articulate and you do sound intelligent yet constrained. Also pretty stoic, not just because of our signature but your style of writing seems to have been influenced from the way stoics write. I am sure your novel will be great. I recently finished a novel myself, feel free to send me what you have written so far.

I empathize with your situation. When I was about that age I dated a few older women myself. I also have had similar thoughts in regards to who I date. At that age especially if you are intelligent you are brimming with potential, better yet you are in uni where that may be improved. And you have glimpsed your potential and you are towing the line between self importance or appreciating what you have.

It is a rough line. And a bad relationship especially in UNI can jeopardize your trajectory. It did for me. I came out of high school a chess champion, beat my depression and started studying programming and psychology. Then this woman I fell for wrecked me. Now I am not saying that will happen to you and actually its not even necessarily the same train of thought.

Because I look at my current situation. Its also like I have very attractive, intelligent and successful women around me who will help me improve the world and have already helped me improve myself. And I love my gf but she isn't as ambitious, charitable or an intellectual. And when you put it across really raw. It sounds pretty bad but I will tell you what I have learnt and out of it you would be intelligent enough to see what applies and how you would improve on it.

Firstly as a man its somewhat normal to want success/legacy and all that. But you should really sit and ask yourself exactly why you want it. Like on an emotional level and then logically.
How much of that is ego?

You want to give back to the world. Does she make you a better person and will help you in that goal?
I am in 3 charitable ngos. One of which I have chaired. I would be lying if I said having a different gf would make me more effective at charity. So that brings weird questions. Like then given how many people u could have helped, how immoral is it that you are with someone who jeopardizes that. Like these are thoughts when you are at a certain of level of thought you face all the time. And you are lucky you can articulate that at a young age. And also that u understand she may not be the only one.

Like you use the term insecurity and maybe u have some. But there are some real snake pits here man whether its intentional or not. Thats not random anxiety or insecurity. Thats your nervous system telling you to pause.

My advice is to love and appreciate ur relationship. Don't have children till you are out of uni and have a stable job/career path. Don't take yourself too seriously. Right now you are potential. You could take yourself as seriously as I did still not realize that potential. As a person no one can tell you how much you should reduce ambition or a need to make huge impact in the world or how much of a waste your intelligence might be. They can say that based on some values but reality isn't like that. No one knows exactly what the right choice will be because even a lovely gf can change your trajectory or she could improve it. It just depends on how you steer it.

Stoicism can help you deal with it but ironically I don't think its necessarily what will make you do the right thing. All you can really do is appreciate her, understand her place in ur life and not take urself too seriously. Its normal to feel how you feel because its not an overreaction. And you are smart enough to isolate it and mention it on a forum. No kids for now, Don't worry about the age difference yet but dont string her along either. At her age she will want kids and thats normal too. Be honest if u feel young and not ready.

I also want to say often women give you what you need even when you didnt ask for it. If you love ur gf and u dont fight. Its a sign that she is giving what you need on a deep level beyond your cognition. That doesnt mean it will work out but it means she may actually have more to teach you about yourself.

Its really weird. My gf is really feminine as well, hot, shes very extroverted and is starting a youtube channel and all that. Sometimes logic / stoicism actually can be enhanced by an opposite. Maybe you should see how she can enrich ur future needs. Or u can have separate lives and not worry so much. She might make a good mother where u can still do everything u want to do.

Its a complex situation. Just dont do it now.

 

This caught my attention. You might have tried to give enough context on this issue since the acquaintances from where you live aren't quite entertaining. A couple that can finish their own thoughts is quite amusing to interact with. My shot is you are being susceptible to unsconcious anxiety produced by the lack of quality human contact when you aren't "busy". Interactions like that serve also as stress relief. On a superficial nature you are annoyed by her delayed response on texting. That also might be cover for desiring collective leisure time that's actually not planned for the day.
Now that you've found people irl who you ACTUALLY click, this seemingly sense of worriness is your brain signalling to find more human beings like her. It might be desperate since you found one who's not college age categorized.

We self improvement junkies are a bit neurotic when things seem smooth. The stoic side of ours tends to freak out since it never thinks we will be able to reach the eye of the storm, for that reason it creates struggle out of thin air. It's like we always have to have our enemy in sight, always searching for some "spiritual" obstacle to surpass. As it says: if you're not progressing you're being left behind.
Constantly bettering oneself is also about finding more solid barriers to overcome. Now that someone confirmed that you are as great as you purpose to be, reaching a new level can be twice as difficult, if not more.
As the guy above said. Reduce the amount of seriousness. Our personality tends to unconsciously seek resistance, so, in short, make effort to think less during meaningful events. Learn to gradually get out of your own way.

And also, apologies for taking so long. I'm in a bad place and just now getting the hang on how to deal with this.

 

Nine years is a pretty big age gap, but not insurmountable. It's unusual in the West for men to be with women older than them, but I actually think this is ideal, as women have longer lifespans than men. I've personally always had a thing for women a little older than me.

It sounds like you have a good relationship, but it really takes about 3 months at least to really start to get to know someone, so try to avoid making any big decisions about her for a couple more months at least. Her clock will probably be ticking in her head, and she may want to have children before you might feel ready, such as before you graduate university. That is one thing you want to be aware of with that age gap between you.

I know at 19 I was pretty immature, and I had a chance to have a serious relationship with a great woman, that I think would have ended up with marriage and children, but I was scared and burnt that bridge. At 21 I had a semi-serious relationship with a woman, and she was younger than me, but she wanted to move faster than me, so she left me, which hurt at the time, but I feel I dodged a bullet. I'm really only starting to feel mature enough for marriage and children now that I'm 30, but I am a late bloomer. You might be a bit precocious, but it is something to seriously ask yourself: do you feel like you are genuinely ready to get married and possibly have children within the next two or three years? Do you feel ready for that kind of responsibility? If not, you need to tell her, so she doesn't waste her prime years. Even if you do feel ready, she may well want to move faster than you.