1st 13 months no PMO. 2nd 13 months struggle. Now 30 days clear.

I had struggled with PMO from the time that I was young - I found a garbage bag full of pornography in an empty lot - when I was young - probably 100 magazines. The images were radically powerful. It was similar to a lengthy binge on websites.

From that point, throughout life, it became easy to dip back in memory to these images of women. Women became a pursuit- women became my number one goal. Everything became a means to that end.

I thought that I would be struggling for a lifetime, that PMO would be impossible to kick.

I found NoFap in May of 2016. After reading journals and checking out the tools, I signed up. I had an amazing first run - 13 months no PMO and the GREATEST year of my life. Discovered 4 main things.

1. Mechanics of addiction. I learned a lot about the mechanics of addiction. This made addiction manageable. I understood what was happening in my limbic brain along with the great power of the executive brain. I learned the amazing power of letting my executive brain speak to my limbic brain to halt urges for masturbation and/or pornography.

2. Testimonies. I found that the success testimonies on this site were an incredible boost for me. They have me HOPE that PMO can be kicked for good. I heard a talk about the first man that broke the 4 minute mile - no one thought it could be done. Now, thousands have broken it because they have HOPE that it can be broken. They believe. I thought that no one could beat pornography addiction, like the 4 minute mile.

3. The app. The nofap app was big for me. I would used it to focus my brain well before an emergency.

4. Journaling. I would post and help someone else. Connecting with community as a helper or mentor was big.

The 13 months of no PMO were actually not that much of a struggle. Every day I was changing. It was more exciting than difficult.

But I grew more and more independent from my connection with this site. After 402 days of no PMO, I slipped one night. I was overconfident, and independent. I couldn't believe that I slipped. For the next 13 months, I would go a few weeks here and there, but I had no steady progress.

Well, 30 days ago I made significant changes in my routine. I went back to the basics of what I did initially when I started with nofap and added some things.

MORNING
1. Alarm. Set alarm early and get up immediately. 5am, 6am, 7am. Depending on the need of the day. When alarm hits, I don't let my brain consider staying in bed or snoozing.

2. Bed. Make bed and kneel down. Thank God and speak gratitude. Lots of gratitude.

3. Hydrate. 16 oz of water because my brain needs it after no hydration all night.

4. Cold shower / motivational audio.
Start a cold shower and begin a motivational video on YouTube. Play it loud over the speakers while I shower and prep. Big focus early. Not letting my brain dive into anxiety about the day ahead.

5. Prayer Time. Dedicated. Daily.

DAYTIME

1. Getting everywhere earlier than appointed time.

2. Corresponding quickly to all tasks.

(Everyone has seen this change in me. Their appreciation has helped me connect more because these 2 points show that I respect them and myself.)

EVENING

1. Exercize. I exercise 20 mins on elliptical.

2. Cold shower. I then take another cold shower with motivational audio.

One motivational audio stated "win the morning, win the day". It's real. When I hit that shower and hear the motivational audio, I hear the voices of people that are conquerors. I have hope because they speak it from the heart. The background music on these speeches fires me up too.

So - I am truly proud that I can post again in the Success Forum. I hope that this helps someone else who is struggling.

GOD'S PEACE

 

Just completed 32 days.

I have been sick, and typically this is a time for me to kick back in bed, and inevitably fall to PMO. I resisted when the urge hit. Caught the first sign and spoke from my executive brain that " this is not an option". It worked.

I also find the affirmation "I don't look at porn" or "I don't masturbate" to be very effective. Spoken with confidence from the executive brain to the limbic brain urge. I learned this from a post. I don't say "I don't look at porn anymore ", I simply say "I don't look at porn".

GOD'S PEACE

 

Man - thanks for your response. Its good to hear about someone else that went through a similar experience. That's the point of these forums.

I hit 402 and slipped. One day less than your 403.

The first run was not that bad. I was motivated. But I also knew that getting back on track would be tough if I slipped.

When I slipped, I had too much to drink and my guard was down. It was also a time when I had accomplished great things and did not have anything tough to conquer for about 6 weeks. I let my guard down and slipped.

For the next 13 months, I would start a run, knowing that I had the capacity to change. I knew that with nofap the desire for pmo weakened because I desired freedom MORE. I knew that I could do what i previously considered impossible.

I would sabotage my run by saying, "you have 19 days, get one more pmo session in before your brain changes. You deserve a pmo reward." So, consistently I would fall when:

1. I had accomplished a goal and "deserved" a reward.

2. I had no major obstacle to accomplish in the next few days - nothing to worry about.

3. I would have a drink. Not excessive - typically 2 drinks. A reward for the accomplishment. Under the circumstances it fueled my rationalization to step back into PMO "one more time".

This time around I am working on rewards. To list the things that I enjoy and do those things. I would often deprive myself of good things because I didn't think I deserved them. With NO IDEAS to go to for reward and relaxation, pmo was ready every time.

I have 32 days now. I am starting to experience the real brain shift where I no longer desire pmo. Real freedom - not a flatline, but real freedom. I am getting "addicted" to progress, and this keeps me focused on a goal.

Mistakes, slips, are not there to condemn but they are opportunities to learn. I know what I need to do, for life, to be free.

Remember that you have the capacity to do this. You already demonstrated it to yourself. You broke the 4 minute mile, the impossible feat. You are closer and closer to the brain shift.

Stay the course!

GOD'S PEACE

 

Well, that's a healthy fear to have. It goes to show that in order to live out freedom, you have to be deliberate, intentional. If we passively expect life to work itself out without being deliberate, we are in for a rude awakening. I learned a lot from relapsing. Writing my experience down helps me and helps others learn how tricky addictions can be.

But still I don't lose hope. This second run is deeper than the first. I am very hopeful now. And more honest with myself and others.

GOD'S PEACE

 

The greatest challenge of starting after a reset is that you know you can have victory and you know the taste of victory, but because you just fell - and the pleasure was nice - and the effects have not fully hit - yet - you convince yourself to go one more time before you recover. Which repeats.

What I learned is that my most vulnerable times are when things are going WELL - when I feel entitled to a "reward fap" - when I have accomplished something great and have no pressing challenges for a few days. This is tricky but it's my area of weakness. I am building a healthy reward list for those times.

But I also need a clear daily schedule with a morning routine that sets my day up.

The whole tthing- I have found, is so much more than giving up pornograohy and masturbation.

GOD'S PEACE!!!

 

One thing that may help is to go back to previous journals. I am still amazed to see what I was learning in that time of discovery. The new habits that I was discovering, the support that I was finding from the nofap community. All good.

GOD'S PEACE

 

Last night I had my first real challenge in 33 days. I passed the test- thank you God, and a great brain hack.

I have been sick, and my evening routine of exercise and cold shower has not been consistent since Friday night.

My limbic brain loves to take advantage of these moments, rationalizing that "since you are letting that routine go, you might as well let everything go. You can always start over".

I stopped the limbic voice pattern by pausing, becoming aware of the limbic brain attempt to override, and then kicking in with the executive brain voice. I am amazed at the power and effectiveness of this voice on the limbic urge. I said " no, we are not going there, this is not an option"..( the "we" refers to the limbic and executive brain voice.) I spoke bbn to the limbic urge with authority and confidence. It backed down, and stayed in the background for about 5 minutes, then faded out.

It was a training moment. An opportunity to build a new brain connection. By posting, I am further building the connection.

At the same time, I need to protect this connection over the next few days. I know that the limbic voice will try to make another attempt to relapse, but I have a plan, a "fire drill" in place.

GOD'S PEACE

 

Learning from mistakes is key. We can kick ourselves for falling or we can see them as opportunities to grow. It's all a matter of perspective. You said it right, you learned from it.

GOD'S PEACE

 

About to complete day 34.

After struggling for 13 months to get back to a steady place, I'm truly starting to experience the confidence shift in my emotions. Much more centered and strong. Much more confident.

I can remember after my 1st 13 months of no PMO - when I did fall - I didn't feel much different at first. But the next day I went to a doctor's appointment and the assistant stepped into the room to get something. She was attractive and I remember having an automatic response to her where I sort of waved up to her to say hello. Very odd response that I had not done while off PMO. I felt out of control.

Now- I'm feeling rooted. Grounded. Strong.

GOD'S PEACE

 

About to complete 36 days.

I have been able to face conflict at work in a very different way. At work, I had a fellow worker who was angry - and after a difficult day I was ready to enter into it. I stopped myself and called her back to my office, where I took a few breaths, and entered the problem rationally. Amazing results. If I was hooked on PMO, I would have been far more reactive and achieved very little.

Today I also was proactive with another coworker who was stirring the pot at work. I sat with him and walked through the issue. I stayed very calm, and rational, and achieved resolution.

Clear mind, clear focus. Benefits.

GOD'S PEACE

 

I ran into a problem last night. I woke up around 1am. 37 days no pmo. But I woke up on the edge of falling and made a decision to give in with masturbation. I did not look at pornography, I did not fantasize about any woman , I treated it like blowing my nose. From waking up to completing the act was less then 2 minutes. I am treated this as a reset, but I am not kicking myself as much this morning.

Typically, the late night wake up has been my vulnerable time. Spontaneously waking up and my mind is already there.

This morning, I notice that I am sweating a lot more. This used to happen after hours of PMO, but I am surprised that it happened after 2 minutes.

What happened in the big picture?

1. Over the last week I have been sick. Dropped disciplines like early wake up,
cold shower, early prayer, evening exercise. I have been feeling unstructured and I think that can factor that in. I won't blame the illness. I needed to take responsibility and restructure my personal expectations when I am sick. Started looking at self like a slacker- but I've felt run down for the last 8 days. Taking antibiotics, but it takes time. Overall, I was letting myself down by holding a standard that I could not maintain.

2. Challenges at work - while I have been facing a lot of conflict and resolving very difficult situations, I have not balanced this with a break. Pushing way too hard - accomplishing a lot - but little rest and no play. Set up for disaster.

3. Last night I had ate very late. No alcohol but a heavy desert at midnight. I almost felt sick after I ate it.

4. I did nothing to connect to nofap. Didn't reach out. Didn't hit the app. I consciously acknowledged my 37 days and made a clear decision to reset and knock out the pressing urge through masturbation. I didn't think of using my mental technique of " this is not an option".


MOVING FORWARD

HONESTY AND ACCOUNTABILITY. I needed to post what occurred. My pattern is to stay in this place for a few days and then get back in the program. But I have not fantasized or looked at porn. The vulnerability is definitely here this morning, and I need to put that out there.

2. Balance work and leisure. I am taking on too much. Expecting too much if myself. I am not a machine.

Overall, this is a lesson. My limbic brain will focus on the slip and try to encourage me to indulge today. But I am going to focus on the progress that I have made and the fact that I didn't fall into fantasy or pornography. I am a supporter of day counting. But in this situation it can work against me in the first few days. I have to focus on what I did not lose over the past 37 days.

Interesting to note that my longest run over the 13 months of struggle was 36 days. This could play into an imagined barrier.

I hope this helps someone. I know that it helps me to get it out there.

GOD'S PEACE