20 days (need some motivation)

Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by Ridley, Apr 6, 2018.

  1. Ridley

    Ridley Fapstronaut

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    Well, I made it 20 days, which I guess is as good of a milestone as any other. Consider this post somewhat of a journal entry, but I'm also in need of some motivation to continue with my journey. I'm really happy I made it this far, and I honestly didn't expect to. I gotta admit, tonight is a difficult night for me. I'm feeling sort of empty.

    I really didn't believe I would be able to make it this far without porn. I've tried to pump my life full of activity. I've been spending more time outside, been working on my own personal projects, practicing music, reading more, exercising more, spending more time with family and friends, and just generally living a healthier lifestyle. I think the only way I've been able to stay away from porn this long is by taking the time to do these sorts of things. When I feel like I'm doing something with my life, I don't need porn to fill the gap in my life that would have been there otherwise.

    Still, I feel like something is missing, and I don't know what it is. I'm not even sure if it's related to NoFap. I'm just not feeling as motivated as I was at the beginning. Now that the initial excitement of quitting porn and starting to come to terms with my addiction has passed, If feels hard to stay motivated

    I had some of the strongest urges to watch porn tonight that I've had since I started my journey. I had a long drive home this evening from visiting some friends and when I had all that time to myself I started to think about being alone at home in my bed, which led to me thinking about porn. These thoughts bothered me, but when I got home, I put a stop to it. Instead, I just practiced the piano for a little while. I'm glad I did. I probably would have relapsed if I hadn't focused on something productive.

    So, overall, tonight was a positive night in terms of beating my addiction, but it scared me a little bit. Even after having success over 20 days, the urges can still be VERY strong. I'm scared that one day, they will just be too strong for me, and that I won't be able to find something productive to do when my urges get strong, and that I will feel pushed until I give in.

    I don't know why I'm so afraid of relapsing like this. I guess it's just that I've tried quitting porn in the past, but this time it really feels different. This time, it feels like I can actually do it. Maybe that's why I'm so scared about relapsing: because I really believe that I can do it, and I don't want to crush my beliefs.

    Thanks for reading, if you did. Any words of encouragement or advice to keep moving forward would be greatly appreciated.
     
  2. chancer17

    chancer17 Fapstronaut

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    Tonight was a massive step in your recovery!! Your mind is playing tricks on you. It wants you to relapse for that feeling of dopamine that it has been missing! It's normal to have days where you feel empty and confused. They are the days when you have to work the hardest. Well done and keep up the great work :)
     
  3. THE BIGGEST
    BATTLE
    IS WITHIN THE
    MIND!

    Congratulations for making it up to 20 days, You have killed your demons, now the only stuff remaining is not to let them get resurrected. And my man! You are the one who can slay them for forever!
    So go ahead and eradicate them! They don't own you! You are stronger, you are better and you are destined for greatness!
    Don't let nobody stop ya! Not your own self!
     
  4. Kunal Singh Chauhan

    Kunal Singh Chauhan Fapstronaut

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    Bro i can totallyaly relate to u. Dame situation here
     
  5. IronDog

    IronDog Fapstronaut

    I'm super impressed that you won that battle! Way to go on practicing music as an alternative! I haven't gotten that far in my journey, but I can only imagine, you had the habit for x amount of years....it will take time until you no longer have those desires. Even then the reason you wanted it in the first place my take even more work.
     
  6. Trust me, you dont want to give in and you should be proud that you fought off such a strong urge. That empty feeling is natural, it sucks, but its natural. The only thing worse is the feeling of guilt, shame, and fog that comes from failure. Plus giving in is just a short term fix, you'll have to come back to that same miserable feeling as long as you intent to quit. Kedp up the good work and stay strong, im roiting for ya.
     
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  7. Don't know if this makes sense but doing something that scares you? Not in a stupid sense, but doing something that you've always wanted to do, that helps keep me focused
     
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  8. SkyFallBack

    SkyFallBack Fapstronaut

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    awesome! Let it burn and it's gotta feel so good isn't it?

    Now remember to get out of the house for a walk or studying in the coffee shop and talk to people. You don't have to bear it all yourself. Talk to people and let your community self works itself out.
     
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  9. Ridley

    Ridley Fapstronaut

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    Yeah, I haven't been keeping track, but I started watching porn when I was about 11 or 12. I think porn usage became habitual for me when I was about 15 or 16. I'm 25 now, so it's been roughly 10 years of porn addiction. It's crazy to think this is my longest streak in over a decade!
     
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  10. Ridley

    Ridley Fapstronaut

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    I agree with you. It makes sense that there would be days when recovering is harder than on other days. I appreciate the response.
     
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  11. yugowolf1991

    yugowolf1991 Fapstronaut

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    Mate im in the same situation and this really spoke to me I came dangerously close to relapsing today and the urges seem to be getting stronger. But I do like yourself refuse to let this thing beat me again because ultimately this is the time for change and If we give in again nothing changes. All the best mate
     
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  12. Ridley

    Ridley Fapstronaut

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    Hey, man, I appreciate the response.

    I'm not sure I feel the same way, though. I think that things still change even if you relapse. A relapse is definitely a step backwards, but I don't think it means you're staying right where you are. You still have all the knowledge and experience you gained during your clean streak, and that doesn't go away just because you broke a promise with yourself.

    Still, I think it's really important to try to avoid relapses as much as possible, but I don't think it means that you're throwing away all your hard work.
     
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  13. ad_nex

    ad_nex Fapstronaut

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    Congratulations for the right choice you made brother!! 20 days is a good streak count and the way that you are taking it forward by doing healthy activities and engaging yourself in positive things, i believe that you will go far ahead without pmo. Now I'll share my experience that i had recently. I hope that you'll take some lessons from it. 2 days back in the afternoon I acted out. I was on day 28. It was spontaneous. While rebooting, I was very cautious regarding the potential sources from where i can get triggers. I was watching over my thoughts also. I kept myself away from social media as well. Kept engaging myself in similar positive activities as you are doing.

    Then suddenly that afternoon i was triggered by an advertisement in a book reading app. It was as if i was in an autopilot mode when i acted out. Initially i minimised that app, when i first saw it accidentally. But minutes later I intentionally opened it again and saw that, thinking that i'll just have a glance of it. And the result of that choice was just a momentary pleasure and later on the regrets. Today I don't feel that energy which i felt when i was on day 28th and i regret the choice that i made.

    So as you are recovering, your brain is getting rewired. You'll have some days where your motivation to continue will be down, and its normal. Don't be afraid of that. Sometimes the urges will be very strong.
    But ask yourself why on the first place you started this journey. When the urges come then think of it as an opportunity to remind yourself of your "why" by asking this question. Take a pause and ask this question. Visualize the reward, the kind of person you'll become after giving up this pmo forever, whenever the urges come. So don't think at all of falling short. Instead whenever it's getting hard, think of it as an opportunity to make the right choices. Real examination happens during the hard time. So you've got perform well in it.

    And from my failure learn that while you are recovering never trust your mind. It'll try to trick you in ways you won't be able to comprehend. Your job is to keep doing the right things as you've been doing currently. No questions asked, even if you are feeling like hell. And whenever accidentally you encounter any trigger, walk away from it at the very first moment. If it's your cell-phone then lock it and stay away from it for a while.

    Sorry for the length of my reply. I seriously don't wan't you to commit the mistake that i commited. That's why i thought to share all of this. But believe me on this. Don't act out. You won't regret it. You'll become a better person.
    Stay strong!! Stay Clean!!

    With Love and Respect.
     
  14. Ridley

    Ridley Fapstronaut

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    @ad_nex I really appreciate the response, man. This is exactly the sort of thing I needed to hear. The story is very useful, and I agree with the point about the mind playing tricks on you. Fortunately, I haven't come across too many triggers since I've quit, but I know they're out there and I know I will eventually have to confront them. I will remain as vigilant as I can towards triggers and just continue to remind myself of the reason I want to do this.

    Thanks again, and good luck with your journey!
     
  15. TheBaeLessWonder

    TheBaeLessWonder Fapstronaut

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    You are right about keeping yourself occupied! I found that if I keep myself doing other things, then I will forget the urges and have another day under my tracker. Sometimes I get close to the edge and have to remind myself to steer clear, but don't let the fear of a relapse draw your mind into thinking that you can't do it, because you already have and are still going. You are doing great and just keep yourself occupied!
     
  16. vxlccm

    vxlccm Fapstronaut

    @ad_nex has a good point... autopilot zombies always go off the cliff. Must be intentional in recovery - eyes open and on better things. Good news is eventually the patterns get set on better things and momentum is easier to maintain. So, yeah - stay busily occupied.
     

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