20 y male ready to kick ass. A long journey that you might find relatable?

Discussion in 'New to NoFap' started by demonSlayer, Apr 1, 2018.

  1. demonSlayer

    demonSlayer Fapstronaut

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    Hello!

    TLDR; Been addicted for 4-5 years. One day maintained a 46 day streak and then relapsed. Became suicidal. Eventually went to therapy and received medication. That only become a temporary solution and it was becoming too expensive. So here I am looking for ways to overcome this addiction without the use of medication/therapy.


    I'm a 20 year old male almost turning 21 and I have been addicted to porn since I was 12. I haven't actively tried quitting until I was 16. So it's been about 4-5 years I have been battling this addiction.

    This addiction has been an anchor that's been holding me down from my true self. Before I talk about my story, I just want to say that my situation has improved and it has been getting better.... but I still am powerless over this addiction and that's why i'm here.

    So I started battling my addiction after my high school best friend told me that her bf was having erectile dysfunction and it was affecting their sex life. I did not want these problems to occur whenever I started having sex and wanted to start figuring my shit out. After I did a little research on the effects porn has on you, my reason to quit was so much more than trying to avoid having erectile dysfunction. I wanted to get rid of the problems it caused me such as, brain fog, lowered self esteem, becoming unsocial, loneliness, self-hate, being dissatisfied with everything, and lose my ability to hold a conversation with another person.

    Battling through this addiction in high school was not very successful. I watched porn nearly everyday probably 3-4 times a day. Once college rolled around, I was having the same issue of being powerless.

    I was not sure how to battle this addiction so I started becoming more religious around my sophomore year of college. I would pray for guidance that God would take away the demons speaking inside my head( your subconscious telling you to just masterbate and it will be okay). Surprisingly, praying did help me. There were other things I had done such as constantly reading the NoFap community on reddit but praying really helped me out.

    I went 46 days without masterbating. This was during my second year of college so I was 19 at the time. I felt fucking incredible. I could hold great conversations, maintained eye contact, was able to feel good and laugh about anything, and really enjoyed everything life had to offer. I had a very positive outlook.


    Then one day, I relapsed.

    One of my triggers that leads me to relapsing is snoozing. I used to have a terrible snoozing addiction where sometimes I would snooze for 3-5 hours. So after waking up, i would feel like utter shit. That day I relapsed, I felt shame. Regret. Guilt. I could not believed what had happened.

    It was so bad that I felt worthless and had given up all hope. At that point, I thought I could never get over this addiction. With feeling hopeless, guilty, and shameful, I started becoming suicidal. I personally didn't want to commit suicide but I could not stop getting thoughts about killing myself. I am not a fan of suicide and I think this is never the solution to any problems. Life is beautiful and I believe if you can figure shit out in your toughest and darkest moments, those are the defining moments that builds character. So I was having these suicidal thoughts and then eventually I started seeing horrific images. I kept seeing multiple ways I would kill myself. Every time I went back to my apartment, I kept seeing an image of me hanging myself. When I went outside, I kept seeing myself running to the road and getting killed by a car hit. Basically everywhere I went, my brain created these haunting scenarios of how I could kill myself.

    I was starting to go a little crazy and could not handle it. This was happening for about a week and I kept it all to myself. The pain was too much to bear so I spoke to my best friend about it and he was incredibly supportive about the whole situation. He recommended that I see a psychiatrist for this problem. I was going to go make a visit to the doc in a couple days but my mind could not wait until then. I went back to my parents home to visit and could not sit still. I kept seeing these haunting images and I wanted them to stop.

    I could have killed myself and ended it but I chose to become vulnerable and spoke about the situation with my brother and his wife.... it was a very emotional night and I cried a shit ton, more then I ever have in my life when I opened up about it. They were incredibly supportive and suggested I go see a psychiatrist.

    The following month I saw a psychiatrist and got diagnosed with depression. This was one year ago. Ever since then I have been taking medication and going to monthly therapy visits. Things have gotten MUCH better since the day I was having suicidal thoughts.

    So if I am getting family support, medication, and therapy visits, how the hell have I not quitted for good might be the question you have.


    My situation is a little complicated because I am also diagnosed with ADHD and my primary focus for therapy was initially for porn but later shifted to figuring out how to cope with ADHD so I could do better in school. So my porn addiction was just hidden and became suppressed. This led to a lot of relapsing but I became better at feeling less guilt by simply saying "ah well it happened. Nothing I can do about that so no point in thinking so much about it and move on." this type of mentality helped remove guilt but it didn't remove my addiction. I relapsed many times and still continue to do so.

    Now that school is going better, I am shifting focus to getting rid of this addiction. I am soon about to stop medication and therapy because it is too expensive and I have heard enough success stories without the use of medication and therapy that it is possible to get rid of this.


    So here I am on day zero looking for ways to quit. Currently I am meditating and doing everything to keep myself busy. Hopefully I can maintain a streak, if not, i'll reflect on my mistakes or seek guidance from you all and try to figure out a solution. I have a lot of experience with relapsing and trying different things that sometimes have helped so I am looking forward to contribute my experiences!

    Nice meeting you all and if you have read all the way until now then I applaud you because this was a long ass story. Hopefully you enjoyed some part of it.


    If you have any tips on what has been working for you then please comment below! I am willing to try new things out
     
  2. Hi
    Thanks for being here. Welcome!
    Leaving an addictive habit is not an easy job, but .... it will be fully worth it.
    So... get some knowledge, read stories, let yourself encouraged by others.
    You are not alone in this. So connecting to others is a clue as well!
    And don't forget to create a journal.
    Writing about your daily stuff may really help you to process the issues.

    I hope you will make it a great time here!
     
    IIFrankenstein likes this.
  3. Septimus

    Septimus Fapstronaut

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    Welcome! I'm glad you're here. And I am very happy you have found some help for the depression and suicidal thoughts.
     
    demonSlayer likes this.
  4. demonSlayer

    demonSlayer Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for this suggestion! I am starting to realize that having a journal is absolutely necessary. Otherwise, I keep making the same mistakes over an over.
     
    Roady likes this.
  5. Mitness

    Mitness Fapstronaut

    Hi, i'm am no one special. Just a guy who suffered from addiction for 21 years and helping others. I write this to a lot of people who are starting to work on their recovery, so i hope it will help..
    It's a long LONG post, i hope you'll read it.

    I've been addicted to booze, drugs, sugar, caffeine, pmo, pmo with a lot of amphetamine, instagram, facebook, compliments etc etc. When i stopped using one, i got involved in the other addiction.

    Well, i guess addiction is just a symptom of a deeper problem. It's common for addicts to get addicted to other things when they cut the primal addiction. I guess when you get deeper into why you're addicted it's getting easier to understand. For me it al started when i got raped when i was 13.

    So figure out the reasons you're getting addicted! And it’s not because you like it. There's more underneath the simple “I like it.”

    Just, as i wrote, take a deep look in why you are addicted. Because every short-term solution will cause in increase in dopamine and therefore we feel good. We need that shot because we cannot deal with the feeling that we have when we don't get that shot. We cannot deal with negative emotions.. So, you need to know why you are seeking for the artificial stimulation. I see it as an onion. When you open the outer layer of the onion, it’s sour, and you will get tears.. Therefore you need to unpeel the onion.
    You have to peel all the onion until you get to the core. Work on that core. Unpack the core. And when you have found the core, unravel the core as well. I've noticed that whenever you get to the core, there's still a core. I have had 6 times that I thought I was at the core, but that there was still an underlying problem. And eventually, when you finally got to the core, you stop crying because there is no onion left anymore!

    So in simple terms... > Dont stop asking Why to yourself. Why am i addicted, because of etc

    It’s also very handy to watch this video 10 times!!



    And it helped me a lot to make a plan. So when i began to stop being addicted i just wanted to stop.. And that's good, but it's freaking hard to maintain focus with only one reason. So i made a plan. Why do i get addicted? What is it in my life that gives me so little joy that i always need to find other ways to get happy. .. So start with the gigantic question... WHY AM I ADDICTED? Do you fully understand why you happen to use all the time? As i wrote i was a full-time addict. Porn, drugs, booze, sugar, caffeine, social media, compliments of other people.. Every short-term solution i used to cope with my problems.. Really, after thinking for so so so long about my addiction i came to the conclusion that my addiction is in every fiber of my life!! And i finally got to a point where i really understand why i'm addicted. Since i fully understand what addiction is and what the mechanisms are behind (my) addiction, it's easier to not give in! For me it started when i was 9 years old. I had many problems in my life.. I was bullied a lot at school. Long story short; me and two friends found some porn magazines and one told me what to do as a boy. In the afternoon i did and BAZINGA, i didn't care about the bullying anymore. At the age of 13 I experienced great youth trauma. And from there it escalated quickly. Years of fapping, drug and alcohol abuse followed till they needed to take me into mental hospital 3 years ago. My main problem was that i have never loved myself. I started to believe it was my own fault that i suffered that trauma, and when i started using drugs i was ashamed etc. At then end i could find only one reason, i used everything just to have a good feeling, find some rest in my head etc. And it was not only substance abuse.. As i wrote, it was in every fiber of my life. Everything was about getting compliments, people telling me i'm a good boy, likes on instagram etc etc...

    So, figure out all the things you need to know about addiction in general and about addiction in relation to you. The Internet is pretty useful for that. And, maybe not the most fun thing to do, get bored a lot! In this modern time, we are always busy with something. From the moment you realize you get bored, you will find a way to deal with that boredom. We have internet, books, SMARTPHONES, people to hang out with. See where i'm going.. Our brain get's stuffed with imput, imput, imput.... We are never empty anymore. Yeah, i know, boredom is not fun, but it's essential for healing the mind and for finding answers on such big questions as for why am i addicted, why do i relapse all the time. So, go on the internet, read stories about other people's experiences and get bored and think.. THINK A LOT. I happened to find it most relaxing to go out for a walk in the forest, do a lot of cardio, read, or just meditated. There are a lot of meditation forms. I like the one i count my breath. And, i like the one where i just think about everything that pops up. Most of the time its about my addiction.

    So you need to make sure that when you want to fully recover from addiction it has to be at the very top of your list... It has to be the most important thing besides food, water, air, and sleep. So when you fully understand what the mechanisms are behind your addiction, then you make a solid plan.. Just getting in to reboot without a plan is the same as beginning an iron man triathlon with no training at all.

    And with a plan i mean a real plan.. So i made a mind map of all the reasons why i don't want to fap and why the hell i want to quit my addiction. I would suggest you make a written paper with 40 reasons why you don't want to fap anymore. I say 40 because 2 to 5 reasons are to short. 40 reasons is a moderately long list so it takes a little time to read. It might take your mind of the urges. I guess we addicts are really good at finding reasons why we should do it.. And therefore we are so damn good at convincing us to give in.. And, not to forget, one of the most important things is healthy food. My recovery would have been absolutely unsuccessful if I had continued to eat unhealthily. In the end, I even had to give up caffeine and sugar and masturbating to porn. We, addicts, are always seeking for the dopamine shot. So in order to recover and re-wire your brain, it's good to quit all short-term solutions. I would suggest joining the dopamine challenge. I've added a link to the dopamine challenge.. haha..https://www.reddit.com/r/NoFap/comments/5crla0/the_dopamine_challenge_are_you_tough_enough/

    Making a plan is so important. Not having a plan is the same as wanting to run the marathon without wanting to train…

    So we really need to change that mindset and make us only see the reasons why we don't want to use anymore..

    it helped and still helps me a lot, when i really have strong urges, to make a mantra of all the reasons why I don’t want to do it. And, as a craving for drugs, alcohol or a porn related thought or image comes up to my mind I count from 1 to 6 and backward and visualizing the numbers. I just count and visualize as long as I need to get rid of the porn images or thoughts. This does two things.. Namely, it get's your mind of the urge when you do it consistently and... it helps your brain make need pathways not related to substance abuse (rewiring). I really noticed that after 3 weeks of consistently doing this, the cravings began to weaken... And afterward, when the cravings are gone, i do full the mantra 6 times.. And if that not helps, and i'm at home, i jump under the ice cold shower. It's such a shock to the body and mind that in 90 percent of the time i cant even think about it haha.. And if even that dont help me, i will go run as long as i need. Last time i needed to run i kept on going for 25 kilometer hahaha.

    So the other things i do to deal with the urges are..

    Hard Solutions, Easy Life - Easy Solutions - Hard Life

    I guess it will be a long, difficult and arduous journey, but it is more than worth it.
    When i started working on my addiction(s) i had absolutely no idea what i was doing. I didn't think it was necessary either. I guess when you read my story you will see it was more than necessary. I'm working on my recovery now for 3,5 years and i still am not where i want to be. I even stopped working now for 4 months to work more on my recovery.

    In the end, I stopped everything. Instagram, facebook, sugar, caffeine, drugs and alcohol. I also try to work on my obsessive urge to get compliments.

    At first, I felt I had to give up everything. I thought it was terrible because I needed it. Now I gradually come to the conclusion that everything I didn't want to give up in order to live just, took my life. Live moderately, be satisfied just in time and happiness comes when you don't expect it because you were not busy with becoming happy but with life.

    Based on my own experience of the past 21 years, I really believe it is a long journey. I did not get addicted just like that. It did not happen in one go. It is a long way from becoming addicted. That is why i cannot expect to be ready just like that, all of a sudden.

    Every time i thought I was there, there's something new to come. (onion: underlying problem) And that's not a bad thing, that's good. Because i want to recover completely. I solemnly believe that recovery must be as important as the oxygen you breathe, the food you eat and the water you drink. You will not be addicted in 1 year. That is something that goes on for years. And probable you will reach this point a couple of times.. The point where everything seems to go fine and then you forget all the agreements that you have made with yourself…

    I have experienced so many times that things were going well again (at least, I thought so) and that I forgot about my own agreements. I forgot about the agreements because it went well again... So I relapsed about 100+ times. Be careful of those moments.

    Now I realize that it is the other way around. Things are going well because of those agreements!

    Do you know what the problem is with mankind as a whole? We, humans, are hunters and collectors based on our past. The part of our brain that is responsible for the feeling of pleasure and of "ah, this is important so I need to have it more often" was about the first part of our brain. That is also logical. Without a sense of pleasure, we would never have been able to evolve. Food is important to live so that's why we feel good after eating. Sex is extremely important for the reproduction of our genes, so this is one of the most intense, natural, dopamine rush. As I said, it is a mechanism that has ensured that we are living at the moment. So by nature we are always busy with feeling good. Only in the past was it a question of a primary good feeling. It wasn't so much about long-term planning. Eating, sleeping, connecting with your group, fleeing danger. These were mainly things for the short term. One of the few things that was planned in the long run was the reproduction of our genes. I'm sure you understand what I mean.

    So, the disadvantage of humanity is that we always go for short-term solutions. Look, for example, at our eating pattern. It is completely illogical to eat 3.4.5.6 times a day. Our body hardly gets time to process it. I eat about 2200 calories once a day. Mainly fat, a little protein and very little carbohydrate. I feel so much better than when I ate 4 times a day

    But, there is good news young man. We can train our brains. I know exactly what you mean by abandoning the agreements we have made with ourselves. I did that all the time. Always when I went into a fog, now 6 psychoses further on, I made some appointments with myself.

    And when things went well again, I forgot every agreement. After all, things are going well.


    Do you know what the problem is with mankind as a whole? We, humans, are hunters and collectors based on our past. The part of our brain that is responsible for the feeling of pleasure and of "ah, this is important so I need to have it more often" was – I believe- about the first part of our brain. That is also logical. Without a sense of pleasure, we would never have been able to evolve. Food is important to live so that's why we feel good after eating. Sex is extremely important for the reproduction of our genes, so this is one of the most intense, natural, dopamine rush. As I said, it is a mechanism that has ensured that we are living at this very moment. So, by nature, we are designed to feel good. Only in the past was it a question of a primary good feeling based on survival. It wasn't so much about long-term planning. Eating, sleeping, connecting with your group, fleeing danger. These were mainly things for the short term. One of the few things that were planned in the long run was the reproduction of our genes. I'm sure you understand what I mean.

    So, the disadvantage of humanity is that from an evolutionary point of view, we always go for easy (fast) solutions. Look, for example, at our eating pattern. It is completely illogical to eat 3.4.5.6 times a day. Our body hardly gets time to process it. I eat about 2200 calories once a day. Mainly fat, moderate protein and very little carbohydrate. I feel so much better than when I ate 4 times a day manly carbs.

    It took a very long time for me to get through the mechanisms behind addiction. Each time I stopped doing something and then started doing something different. That works for a while until you derail again.

    Each time you fall back into old habits, the paths of the old customs become stronger. And every time you fall for short-term solutions, the prefrontal cortex becomes weaker. The prefrontal cortex is involved in cognitive and emotional functions such as decision making, planning, social behavior and impulse control. So, as you can see, one thing lifts up the other.

    I can't give you an answer about how you should do it. I can only tell you why things always went wrong with me.

    I didn't put my recovery on top of my list. And, I recovered mainly for others. To get compliments, to hear that they were proud of me. Not because I have no willpower. Or no discipline.

    And, because I always opted for short-term solutions, I found it extremely difficult to make long-term goals.

    Sorry for the long post, but I hope I inspired you to work on your recovery. Ow, and i would suggest with starting with a full hard-mode reboot. That’s the best way for dopamine receptor recovery and for getting it out of your system..

    And do remember to please: we don’t give up things in order to recover. We gave up life, in order to be addicted.


    Sorry for the extreme long post.. I hope to inspire people..

    PS. Especially during the time i used amphetamine during pmo I was looking for such perverted things that in the end I believed I was a terrible man. After i quit using drugs it was still extreme and therefore i still believed i was terrible.
    Now, after 53 of abstince, i am finally starting to get a normal taste again. I don't feel much for the extreme porn anymore.

    So do the complete reboot, get sober and then, after that, you can say what your normal tast is...

    If you have any questions, just ask.

    My journal: https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?threads/21-years-of-addiction-my-fight-my-story.164500/
     

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