200-day Mark – An Inconvenient Truth

Discussion in 'Success Stories' started by Fenix Rising, Jul 19, 2019.

  1. Fenix Rising

    Fenix Rising Fapstronaut

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    NoFap is no joke. Going through withdrawals is hard, but what lies beneath the addiction might be much worse - no super powers, just lots of buried suffering... at least in my case.

    After reaching 200 days of NoFap journey I realized I've been catapulted 18 years back into my past. To the 1st day I started running away from my demons, self-medicating my wounded, insecure soul with pornography and masturbation. I remember now, because I'm reliving the same old emotions I've been trying to run away from 18 years ago in the present moment. Existential despair, depression and anxiety are back with vengeance. They never left, I only covered them with the PMO blister.

    That’s the real reason for relapsing again, again and again. Every time I've removed the blister, I reentered my hidden basement, filled with fears and despair... It was too much to handle, so I ran. I ran away only to find a false safety in my drug of choice again.

    Cravings are gone, need to “self-medicate gone too, all that remains is pain. I’m done with running, no matter the suffering. I’ve been running long enough. I’ve come to the point in time when facing my demons head on is less scary than continuing to run away from them. There’s no escape, there never was.

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    Last edited: Jul 19, 2019
  2. Tao Jones

    Tao Jones Fapstronaut

    I went through this, too. Dealing with what started you on the road to coping with PMO in the first place is required for long-term recovery, I think. it is very hard. I hope you are able to work through it in a group setting. I did Celebrate Recovery (Christian 12-step) and it was a life saver and a game changer for me. Keep doing the hard work. It *does* get better.
     
  3. Eaglevision_2019

    Eaglevision_2019 Fapstronaut

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    Sure enough. It is never a smooth journey but we have to keep rising from this deep, dark, and dehumanizing pit we found ourselves in. We keep going no matter what.
     
  4. Bobske

    Bobske Fapstronaut

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    Go for it. Time to start healing!
    Thanks for sharing
     
  5. MadsrMore

    MadsrMore Fapstronaut

    Congratulations on this success, and for your insights on the recovery process. Your story can serve as inspiration and motivation for many, many others. Just don't take recovery for granted. As soon as its obvious or inevitable, there's trouble ahead. But you already knew that.
     
    Last edited: Jul 24, 2019
  6. AvatarRoku

    AvatarRoku Fapstronaut

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    Some uncle iroh time for you my friend.
     

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  7. Alk14x

    Alk14x Fapstronaut

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    Brilliant and brutally honest post. A quote I like to remember is; 'If you can't change it, change the way you think about it.' Some things unfortunately in life remain unresolved and as individuals we want closure. Accept the past and the inequality.

    Your task now is to remove such cancerous thoughts from your mind healthily, without covering them up with such "blisters". You know this - I'm reinforcing the idea to not only you but myself and others too.
     
  8. the awakening

    the awakening Fapstronaut

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    bro congrats on your 41 days streak
     
    control your life and MadsrMore like this.
  9. SirErnest

    SirErnest Fapstronaut

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    Great to see this powerful and honest post.
    Needed to read this.
     
  10. Homo Deus

    Homo Deus Distinguished Fapstronaut

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  11. the awakening

    the awakening Fapstronaut

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    hey what those that means Homos Deus
     
    control your life likes this.
  12. Homo Deus

    Homo Deus Distinguished Fapstronaut

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    It means human god
     
  13. Optimum Fortitude

    Optimum Fortitude Fapstronaut

    First of all congratulations for your impressive inner growth. Second of all I am so thankful I found your profile. Your opinions and experiences are mind opening. You really focused your recovery on working on your inner self rather than doing "superficial" outter work. It must be really scary to come to the realization that you missed out so many years of your life. But I guess this is not the mindset you have. Have you forgiven yourself today for those lost years?
     
  14. Fenix Rising

    Fenix Rising Fapstronaut

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    I did. I've realized self shaming and guilt leads nowhere. I did my fair share of both and it only made me more miserable. I try to learn how to like myself just the way I am now. I used to hate and abuse my body. Now I look at it as a violin. Sure it needs some tuning, but it's the best and the only instrument I'll ever have, so I better take good care of it. The same goes for mental health. Beating yourself up over past mistakes and missed opportunities will do you no good. You have to learn how to live and appreciate present moment. Presence is all that really matters. All actions are done in the present moment. You can't change the past, future is uncertain all we truly ever have some control over are actions in presence. So there is no point in ruminating over the past or worrying about the future too much.
     
  15. ShyIIock

    ShyIIock Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for this post, very deep and intelligent reflection of your life and spirit.
     
  16. Nick:3

    Nick:3 Fapstronaut


    Very deep man, I love deep stuff btw! I'd recommend shadow self meditation, good to see you're on the path of integrating with your 'shadow self'.
     
    Fenix Rising likes this.
  17. bobjames127

    bobjames127 Fapstronaut

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    I agree with everything you have to say in this post. Forget curing PIED, and forget about becoming more confident with women. What's really beneath PMO addiction is an addiction wired brain. And this manifests itself in a variety of ways throughout your life. Perhaps you have a hard time with alcohol or other substances, or perhaps you overeat, or live a life that aims more for short term pleasures. Even the way you may talk to someone, if the mind is wired for addiction, might be more to affirm your ego than to actually communicate. In short, PMO addiction manifests itself in a variety of ways, as you've trained the brain to run in an addictive state. I think that the real work is undoing all the addictive behaviours created from and alongside PMO. And this is truly hard work. I recommend Susan Anderson's "Taming your outer child." It's a good general intro into the idea of embracing an inner self possibly damaged from PMO, as well as understanding how your outer child, influenced by PMO, has been running your life.
     
  18. Fenix Rising

    Fenix Rising Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for suggestion, I'll read the book. It's very true what you've written. OK curing PIED and becoming more attractive to women are two positive side effects of doing monk mode for a long period, but the biggest benefit is that all masks you've created during to "protect" your ego fall off and you have to face and accept your true inner self, if you want to continue living permanent addiction free life. One of the benefits I also noticed is that monk mode enabled me to get rid of other addictions as well without much effort. I stopped drinking alcohol completely. I was a quite heavy social weekend drinker that didn't have balls to say no to friends when it came to alcohol, now when I go out for a drink with friends I order coffee or mineral water instead. I live in a "wet culture" country so this behaviour is considered nearly a sin for a man, and pisses people off, but I just don't give a F anymore. I also stopped eating sugar. I ate tons of chocolate bars and ice cream as I couldn't control myself (dopamine spike again), but I had no problems giving up sugary food after long sexual abstinence. I also used to watch lots of television, now TV bores nad irritates me to the degree I nearly stopped watching it. I guess this is called monk mode for a reason, you literally start transforming into monk without even trying :)
     
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  19. quit@porn

    [email protected] Fapstronaut

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    Qits very nice that you are saying truth( your)
    It shows that everyone will not experience the same thing while PMOing.

    200 days is a good achievement.

    At least you can say for sure that PMO is not the main reason of your problems. I fact it is never for anyone as a find it go be. People have other problems to run away from them we people use porn and fapping.

    But, keep going g bro. Try to find out what actually is hurting you. Some where something will hit and you will start to rebuild.

    Hoping for best best of luck
     
    Fenix Rising likes this.

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