2024 The Best Year Ever

Dearest Fapstronauts and Followers of Christ,

Behold, I have started a new journal. I'm using this journal to document my surrender of all areas of my life to Christ. Background on me - I started PMO when I was 14 and am now 32. I've been at war with P since 2013 when I first brought this addiction into the light. I've been married since 2018, my wife is in the loop about my battle; I attend CR on the reg; I have a great sponsor and AP; been journaling directly with @Tao Jones for some time.

Christ's restauration of my heart is my hope. In fact it's the only legitimate hope I have. This journal is based on the following:


God Is Light
5 This is the message we have heard from Him and announce to you, that God is Light, and in Him there is no darkness at all. 6 If we say that we have fellowship with Him and yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not practice the truth; 7 but if we walk in the Light as He Himself is in the Light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus His Son cleanses us from all sin. 8 If we say that we have no sin, we are deceiving ourselves and the truth is not in us. 9 If we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. 10 If we say that we have not sinned, we make Him a liar and His word is not in us.
(1 John 1)

So I'm starting this journal to multiply the confession/cleansing, learn from other brothers and sisters on this site, and because I feel led to do so. So here we go.

 

I had a great day with little temptation yesterday. It really helps when my workday is packed. My wife had a major hip surgery on Monday, so that makes me a full time nurse for the next 6 weeks. I am dipping into the infinite well of love that God has for me to pass along to her.

I definitely woke up with sexual thoughts this morning. I vehemently reminded myself how harmful those thoughts are and handed them to God.

Today is my 5 year anniversary without PMO. There have been psubs and MO, but not the full shebang since Jan 12, 2017. I’ve followed God’s plan and He has blessed me. However I still struggle periodically with p-subs, and I think this is due to withholding things from God. For example I had been beer drinking normally, not to the point of getting drunk. But I have felt God calling me to stop altogether. In November last year I did, and I’ve felt much more intimacy with Him since.

Currently in the lobby of physical therapist typing this up. Goal for tomorrow is to wake up earlier and spend more time with Him.

 

Had a strong day yesterday where I really wanted the peace of God more than I wanted to seek sexual excitement. This is a great motivator to know that Christ is growing in me. I have been working from home and doing so mostly downstairs right behind my wife’s perch on the couch. Remember she had hip surgery so she can’t move without my help. Tbh she is pretty annoying sometimes when I’m trying to work and she’s trying to show me photos of her friends new baby. Like geez, just let me work. But sitting there is a huge help in eliminating tempt. However yesterday she was watching Netflix and told me not to turn around because there were naked females on the screen. Boom - temptation. I wanted to look but I wanted much more the peace of the Lord. I wanted His presence. I still want it. I think listening to worship music more frequently and worshipping Him helps to sustain my desire for Him.

I realize it would be helpful for me to write down some dates here to keep track of some goals.

Last time I PMO’d : Jan 12, 2017
Last time I MO’d : April, 2021
Last time I drank: November 29th, 2021
Last time I sought a p-sub : December 23, 2021

 

Nofappers,

I was crushed yesterday as i watched my patriots get crushed. It was made worse as my wife is a giant bills fan haha. The pats just completely folded after that Micah Hyde interception.

I’m getting excited about memorizing scripture. I’m starting with the first few verses of psalm 71, which i love. I want to use memorized scripture as a key part of my battle plan. That’s what Jesus did for his battle plan after all.

I confess that I stole some glances at my wife’s Netflix program on Friday. I even reversed the camera on my phone to find out what was going on behind me. I didn’t see anything noteworthy, but it typifies my stumbles. Why do I still lust for this imagery? Is my relationship with God lacking? I don’t understand why I still have these desires but other men at my point in recovery don’t.

My wife had hip surgery on Monday. I have initiated a period of 4 weeks of no sexual intimacy which you fancy folk would call celibacy. So far so good. It actually gives me increased focus on avoiding temptation knowing that if i get triggered there is no chance of relief.

Listening the the ‘pure victory’ podcast, which is pure excellence. I highly recommend to my brothers and sisters in the nofap cyberverse.

 

Good morning nofappers,

I am excited for a new week. I want to be fully submitted to God, fully dead to sin, and be an acceptable temple for Jesus to live in. Is there anything I’m withholding from him? Is there a lie that influences me in times of temptation? What am I going to eat for breakfast?

My wife is picking up on my attempt to submit 100% to God. That’s so encouraging! She is like 100% handicapped at the moment, but I haven’t felt the normal bad attitude when asked to serve her. I do feel overwhelmed sometimes though. God has so much love for me that I want to pass onto her. She is an amazing wife. Yesterday when we were trudging through the snow and iced into the grocery store, My wife was going very slow on crutches. A woman in a chiefs jersey said with a smile ‘oh you poor thing!’. My wife responded ‘I thought the same thing about you when I saw your jersey.’ I almost died laughing. I thought I was going to have to break up a fight for a moment, but the woman laughed too and said ‘good one’.

 

Good morning!

Since I gave up alcohol and started submitting everything to Him, I feel Him making changes in me. I am excited about serving my wife and getting the chance to show her the love of God. Weird! I am also not thinking about what I want from her sexually and haven’t felt much sexual want or desire. Even weirder.

Yesterday I was watching the Rams/Cardinals and every time they showed a cheerleader I naturally looked away. I didn’t want to see them. This isn’t always the case.. sometimes it’s like a tug of war to pull my eyes away.

My wife and mother in law have been an amazing support this week. I am being pulled into business travel like Thor pulls his hammer, and I’m stressed because I want to be home to take care of my wife. She is 8 days post-op now. But my wife is like ‘going and working IS serving me’, and my mother in law is like ‘I will be happy to cover you as much as you need’. This is such a huge relief.

I also saw a eurologist yesterday about getting a vasectomy. My wife has serious health complications and would be an enormously high risk pregnancy. I feel peace that if, big IF, someday we wanted kids, that we could adopt. I feel at peace with this.

BTW guys, i bought this $20 ‘Arteck’ Bluetooth keyboard off amazon so that I can write these posts on my phone with ease. Highly recommend. It’s the little things

 

I have a couple friends that go WAY back to elementary school age. We can hang out and laugh and talk for hours. But we can also just sit together in silence, maybe on a long car ride, and be perfectly comfortable. When I try to realize I’m in the presence of God I feel like I need to say something, or worship. I want to just spend time with Him and feel His presence.

“For you, O Lord, are my hope, my trust, O Lord, from my youth.”
‭‭Psalm‬ ‭71:5‬ ‭ESV‬‬
https://bible.com/bible/59/psa.71.5.ESV

 

Nofappers,

Today is a new day! I felt down and depressed yesterday. I could not figure out why. My wife did nothing wrong but she was right there so it was difficult not to cast blame on here. I commit to listening to worship music after work today so that I can spend time in His presence.

God has protected me from temptation this week. I’ve been working downstairs next to my wife as she recovers on the couch from surgery. I found myself naturally looking away from images on the the TV, which is a good sign that Christ is pulling my strings. I desperately need His protection and guidance today. It is all about what I let Him do in me.

My battle plan today is to carry my psalm 71 notecard in my pocket and whip it out if I feel tempted. We are getting sushi and watching the 1st Hobbit tonight. It’s the little things .

 

Good morning Believers,

I’m waking up, drinking coffee in a nice hotel in Puerto Rico, and journaling on my worlds-best-$20-keyboard. God is good!

I faced fierce temptation yesterday. As soon as I got to my hotel room, I realized that my window faced the pool. I looked out, and looked out again. This was during a 30 minutes break I had to shower and get ready for field work last night. I confess that I was looking for sexual excitement when I looked out. Right after this I got in the shower. After I got out I saw my psalm 71 notecard that reads:

“In you, Oh LORD, do I take refuge. Let me never be put to shame. In your righteousness deliver me and rescue me. Incline your ear to me and save me. Be to me a rock and a refuge to which I may continually come. You have given the command to save me, for you are my rock and my fortress.”

I really benefited from having this verse on a notecard, which is a lot farther from temptation than my phone. My goal is to replace the lie that temptation offers (this will make you feel good), with the truth that I find in God’s word.

He does not want me trapped in slavery. He sent His son to free me and He wants me to be free.

 

Morning All,

I worked my tail off yesterday and had no time for temptation. What a blessing. Today I will have more free time here at the hotel. I plan to not use or touch my phone as entertainment, get my long to-do list done, and getting in the hotel gym if possible. I love traveling but my wife is suffering at home after her surgery. Apparently her mom is not doing a good job of caring for her.

 

Haha, she made cookies so she survived

 

Hi Everyone!

This is a new week. My focus this week is the following:
1. When tempted to think lustful thoughts, I will run to Psalm 71 and Hebrews 12.
2. I will not use the internet as entertainment.
3. I will continue memorizing scripture! I am working on psalm 71 this morning.

I was not perfect last week. I broke one of my rules of travel (had a glass of wine) and also used my phone for entertainment in my room on the last night Thursday. This could have led to disaster but God totally protected me. I really don’t know why He does, but He does.

My wife and I broke our 3 week celibacy in the name of a HJ this weekend. But I am asking her if we can try another 3 weeks w/o sexual intimacy. It really helps me to avoid sexual thoughts, knowing that if I stumble into lust then I really just have to suffer without any relief. I pray that she continues to heal and that God increases her sexual desire for me.

Thank you guys for reading, liking and commenting on my posts. It’s encouraging to know someone is reading these.

 

Good morning!

Hope everyone slept well and is waking up refreshed. I didn’t but coffee!

I had about 4 hours of driving yesterday which equals a lot of temptation. I find that driving is a huge area of struggle for me with mental temptation. Sexual thoughts, desires, and lust pops up when I’m captive in the drivers seat. HOWEVER I did find a lot of refuge in Psalm 71, which I practiced memorizing that morning.

“In You, Oh Lord, I have taken refuge. In your righteousness deliver me and rescue me. Incline your ear to me and save me. Be to me a rock of refuge to which I may continually come. You have give. The command to save me, for you are my rock and my fortress. Save me, Oh God, from the hand of the wicked man, the wrong doer and the cruel. For you are my God since the days of my youth.”

I’m sure I’ve got a few words wrong there, but you can see how handy this was while driving. I believe I can use scripture memorization to replace many of the lies I face during temptation.

Another thing I realized is that I am extremely drawn to the rush of seeking out sexual images.. even more than I’m drawn to the sexual images themselves. Not sure how this will impact my recovery.

Please leave me a comment, it will really encourage me!

 

Amigos,

I have been so busy this week with work, which is such a blessing. I did spend time on FB yesterday looking at old study abroad pictures. Using the internet as entertainment is a big no-no for me. If I’m bored I should be playing with my giant bernedoodle pup .

My wife’s recovery seems to be going well, even if she doesn’t want to admit it. She is down to 1 crutch. Such a blessing for her to be able to go to the bathroom without me. She is in God’s hands and He has been merciful.

 

I’m really struggling right now to not use the internet as entertainment. I know this leads to temptation. On Saturday I went into a back door in my accountability software and scrolled through twitter. I tried to think of clever things to search for that weren’t inheritantly sexual but that might bring up sexual images. The rush it gives me is addicting. The guilt and separation from God is not worth it. I need this out of my life. I don’t understand my identity in Christ on a personal level. I know that He has made me free, but I keep picking up the chains.

What can replace my desire for this rush?

Battle plan for today:
1. Set up image blocker
2. I will present every sexual thought to God and replace the lie of ‘this will make me feel good’ with the truth
3. I will work downstairs by my wife and throw my phone on the charger after work.
4. Text Keith after work