21 yo, PIED, 2 months on NoFap, Cuckold, Gay thoughts, HOCD etc

M

MichaelDracula

Fapstronaut
Here is my story. Started masturbating since I can remember myself when I was 2.5 years old. At that time I could masturbate 5-6 times in a row. Sometimes even more. I was always masturbating to imagination of girls, that I've seen in movies. I also remember touching couch and imagining it's female leg in lingerie. I was living in a small house, and my parents were in the next room and I could look at them through peephole. I remember them getting drunk and preparing to have sex, I felt really jealous towards my mother and I remember masturbating watching them flirt and trying to stop my parents from having sex. Until the age of 12 I did not use any porn. I could get erection towards beautiful women, but I already started imagining different porn type of scenarios in my head. When I was 10-11 yo I first time started watching some softcore porn. Fast forward couple of years and I am masturbating almost every day, couple of times. I masturbated to photos of girls, read sexual stories (found them really exciting). At the age of 14 I started reading cuckold stories and watching soft cuckold porn. I was disgusted by some videos, but some of them found really exciting. Fast forward couple of years and I developed tolerance and started watching even more disgusting videos. Of course, I was really shy, socially awkward, fat. At the age of 17, before attending university, I decided to take my life in my hands and lost a lot of weight, got new haircut. Girls started paying attention to me and it felt amazing. I was still too shy and inexperienced to make a first move to kiss, but girl that I met kissed me anyway and I got semi-hard from that. She was too young and we never attempted to have sex. At that time I attended university and girls also payed attention. I remember at that time I was already watching cuckold forced feminization and sissy videos. I was too shy to approach one girl that liked me and I liked also, so she went out with other bloke. That broke my heart, I was 19, I basically shut myself down for 1 year, started watching transsexual porn, than gay porn. I even pegged myself. Of course I started questioning my own sexuality. But than something amazing happened, I met again my lost best friend, we started going out together and basically, from that time my social life has improved drastically. I was drinking a lot at that time. I once again improved my looks, and started getting even more attention from girls. I met this girl, that I kissed back in the day. We attempted to have sex and I failed. Of course, that totally ruined me. That happened around March 2017. My sexuality was completely confused at that time. I started abusing drugs. I couldn't get it up to girls, but I couldn't get it up to gay thoughts either. Than I attempted sex once again with other girl in May, and failed once again. I had all of the symptoms, premature ejaculation - I would fap for 10 minutes with soft dick, then get hard and instantly cum. I also had death grip syndrome. I also couldn't get it up at all in certain positions.

My NoFap Journey.

I discovered NoFap and PIED when I first failed at sex. I slowly gave up watching hardcore porn replacing it with softcore, thinking that will slowly return my sexuality back. I was wrong, of course. I still masturbated, but every time to more soft porn. I couldn't get it up to pictures of girls at first, and at the end, I felt a little bit aroused by them. When I gave up porn I had my first wet dream. I dreamt that I was about to penetrate girl, touching her ass and came. In the end of 2017 I was able to masturbate with just imagination of me having sex with girl, but it took a lot of time to get it up. My premature ejaculation was gone, I could basically masturbate everyday for a long period of time, and my erections were hard, but would still go soft really fast if I didn't rub my penis like crazy. I thought that I could have venous leak, but the ability to get really hard erection at the end gave me hope. On January 28th 2018 I met girl at the bar. We drank some cocktails, and my mind focused on her chest. I was breasts guy when I was a kid. I remember how easily I was turned on by women's breasts. I felt little tingling in my penis. I got back home and couldn't even get it up when tried to masturbate thinking about her. I laughed and told myself - out of 2000 neurons in your penis, you have only 1 left, that is attached to real life girls. What have you done to yourself.

Basically, from that time I completely disconnected myself from any dating and interaction with female population. I went into hard mode. I had HOCD (googling every 5 minutes am I gay), intrusive gay thoughts, weak erections, hard erections to gay thoughts, dreams with me relapsing, dry dreams with me watching porn. I had 2 dry dreams. First dream I can't remember but it was about watching porn and orgasm was really powerful, but no semen. And second dream where I watched some video on YouTube where gay guy was talking about something and I had dry orgasm with a little bit of semen leak. Right now I am experiencing flatline. And it feels amazing, cause right now I am 100% sure I am not gay. My mind was trying to trick me, that I was gay bottom, but gays are physically attracted to other men, not the idea of being penetrated. Years of watching other women being penetrated, sissy hypno and other BS really confused my brain. I am 2 months into this and I am never in my life masturbating again. I will patiently wait till this is cured and if it takes me even 2 years I am not gonna stop, cause I know there is more powerful men in the end of my journey.

Some tips:
Stop HOCD, don't google are you gay or not. Mind is trying to trick you to google, cause it wants the answer to be yes, so you can continue watching porn. Laugh and say, if I am gay, why do I find them disgusting and don't want to date them. And if you do find them attractive, ask yourself, are you finding them attractive in REAL LIFE. Not on computer screen. Most likely not.

Some improvements:
1) weak morning wood
2) less mood swings, generally feel happier
3) more attention towards women and more attention from women
 
Hi. Sorry if this comes off as vulgar or what not, but did you say you were jacking at two years old!?(If not, then excuse me for not reading the whole post.) That's effing extreme! Like forreal.


But, i'm glad you're improving. I'm certain some of these guys stories are more extreme.
 
BeautyForAshes said:
Hi. Sorry if this comes off as vulgar or what not, but did you say you were jacking at two years old!?(If not, then excuse me for not reading the whole post.) That's effing extreme! Like forreal.


But, i'm glad you're improving. I'm certain some of these guys stories are more extreme.
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Yes, I started masturbating at 2,5 yo. Of course, without porn. Mostly to imaginations of girls, cartoons and movies that I’ve seen. Sometimes just by touching myself. I remember I had a crush on a girl in a movie that was like 7 yo. I didn’t develop full PIED until I started watching gay and trans porn, which confused my sexuality. I had VERY high libido until then. Now, I have almost zero sexual drive. But I am slowly recovering. I am 2 months into this.

If you want to have motivation never to touch your penis again, you can read my whole post. I’ve been through hell with this. And I am not even telling the whole story.
 
Thank you for sharing your story. I know how hard it is to put yourself out there and be honest with yourself and the others on this site. I personally found it a relief to "tell my story" and I hope that you have found the same relief.
Good Luck, Don't give up, & God Bless
Arpy
 
MichaelDracula said:
Yes, I started masturbating at 2,5 yo. Of course, without porn. Mostly to imaginations of girls, cartoons and movies that I’ve seen. Sometimes just by touching myself. I remember I had a crush on a girl in a movie that was like 7 yo. I didn’t develop full PIED until I started watching gay and trans porn, which confused my sexuality. I had VERY high libido until then. Now, I have almost zero sexual drive. But I am slowly recovering. I am 2 months into this.

If you want to have motivation never to touch your penis again, you can read my whole post. I’ve been through hell with this. And I am not even telling the whole story.
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I read it. Impressive! Your sexuality was "awoke" way before mine. I believe I was in my teens not even knowing what the word masturbation meant. It's amazing you made it to two months with the resolve to go 2 years(if you have to). I'm sure a lot will be inspired by this.

I remember the flatline wrecking my mind more than anything.
 
BeautyForAshes said:
I read it. Impressive! Your sexuality was "awoke" way before mine. I believe I was in my teens not even knowing what the word masturbation meant. It's amazing you made it to two months with the resolve to go 2 years(if you have to). I'm sure a lot will be inspired by this.

I remember the flatline wrecking my mind more than anything.
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I am ready to be in flatline as long as I need to be. My worst nightmare is those gay urges. I stopped watching porn completely last summer and was still masturbating to my imagination and pictures of women. Thought that will help me, but erections were very weak at beginning. Then they became stronger. At some point I tried to masturbate again and couldn't get it up. At that point I decided to go full NoFap, not using porn, NoDating for as long as it takes, until I get random boners, morning wood and my sexuality back. First week was OK, I had almost 0 urges, but then I started slowly getting those gay bottom urges, had voices in my head telling me that I just needed to accept that I am gay bottom, I could basically get 90-100% hard just seeing word bottom on NoFap or something. I had the strongest anxiety, suicidal thoughts, voices in my heads, sleep insomnia, 2 dry dreams with artificial orgasms (orgasms in the dream, without ejaculation) to me watching gay porn in the dream on my computer screen. I still struggle to sleep well.
Now I have less anxiety, think about girls, my mind concentrating on their chest, I am feeling happier. Despite still having weak erections, and feeling asexual, I feel like I am headed in right direction and will be healed in no time.

You said I am ready to go 2 years, I will never touch my dick again, I will never watch porn, this is lifetime decision for me. I will better feel asexual my entire life, than spend another 10 minutes jerking to porn in front of computer.

I hope that anybody who is reading this can see how evil pornography is. I never imagined I would be in this position. I thought I don't have any addictions. Because we do porn in private, because we do it for ourselves, because we think that when the time comes, I will of course be able to get it up, the real deal is better than porn, we don't think about it twice. Everybody is masturbating, they say. But not everybody does it every day, escalating to genres that mismatch their sexual tastes. If I just masturbated and didn't look at pornography, I probably wouldn't have any issues with my erections. I had very high libido before I started pornography, I hope that I will be able to get it back.
 
MichaelDracula said:
I am ready to be in flatline as long as I need to be. My worst nightmare is those gay urges. I stopped watching porn completely last summer and was still masturbating to my imagination and pictures of women. Thought that will help me, but erections were very weak at beginning. Then they became stronger. At some point I tried to masturbate again and couldn't get it up. At that point I decided to go full NoFap, not using porn, NoDating for as long as it takes, until I get random boners, morning wood and my sexuality back. First week was OK, I had almost 0 urges, but then I started slowly getting those gay bottom urges, had voices in my head telling me that I just needed to accept that I am gay bottom, I could basically get 90-100% hard just seeing word bottom on NoFap or something. I had the strongest anxiety, suicidal thoughts, voices in my heads, sleep insomnia, 2 dry dreams with artificial orgasms (orgasms in the dream, without ejaculation) to me watching gay porn in the dream on my computer screen. I still struggle to sleep well.
Now I have less anxiety, think about girls, my mind concentrating on their chest, I am feeling happier. Despite still having weak erections, and feeling asexual, I feel like I am headed in right direction and will be healed in no time.

You said I am ready to go 2 years, I will never touch my dick again, I will never watch porn, this is lifetime decision for me. I will better feel asexual my entire life, than spend another 10 minutes jerking to porn in front of computer.

I hope that anybody who is reading this can see how evil pornography is. I never imagined I would be in this position. I thought I don't have any addictions. Because we do porn in private, because we do it for ourselves, because we think that when the time comes, I will of course be able to get it up, the real deal is better than porn, we don't think about it twice. Everybody is masturbating, they say. But not everybody does it every day, escalating to genres that mismatch their sexual tastes. If I just masturbated and didn't look at pornography, I probably wouldn't have any issues with my erections. I had very high libido before I started pornography, I hope that I will be able to get it back.
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I really admire your mindset. And those gay thoughts will certainly go away. I personally never went that far, but i've seen several post on here that did and supposedly recovered from them. Your future is bright. I'm scared of your resurgent libido! I bet it will be felt all over the world.
 
Just signed up for this forum after fighting this addiction for a long time. I literally feel like I am reading my life story. I started just as early. I also have a raging libido underneath all of this. I cannot wait for it to come back. Just entered another flatline, i'm excited to see how my libido feels when I come out of it!
 
success_only12 said:
Just signed up for this forum after fighting this addiction for a long time. I literally feel like I am reading my life story. I started just as early. I also have a raging libido underneath all of this. I cannot wait for it to come back. Just entered another flatline, i'm excited to see how my libido feels when I come out of it!
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It feels good and bad at the same time that I am not alone in this. I hope that we will recover.
How old are you? How long have you been on NoFap?
 
Some updates. Libido is very low, I still feel disconnected from women. Sometimes, I can see a beautiful girl, come home and have boner, or just have random boner without anything. They are like 50-60% strong and very rare. I have boners in the morning and in the evening, when I lay in bed. They are also weak, but sometimes they will get really strong. Fade out very quickly. I recognize beautiful women easier on the streets, which gives me hope, that everything is returning to the right place. Gay thoughts have COMPLETELY faded, when I see a word gay, or think about gays I feel nothing. No emotions, no sexual arouse, nothing. Thinking about my previous fetishes, porn and other stuff just makes me laugh, no sexual arousal from that either.

Disappointed a little bit, that my erections are still not back, but, hey, I expected that. I am on this path for life, so I am patiently waiting.
 
Some updates. Today felt a bit more horny. Had intrusive gay thoughts again. They were not so strong as my previous urges, but they were present. Of course, my HOCD kicked in and I started googling stuff like "porn switched my sexuality" and stuff like that. Caught myself pretty early and stopped it. What gives me hope is that I also have straight urges in the morning and in the evening and my mind still wants women. Started analyzing again, and again came to the conclusion that I am not attracted to men, but to the act and dirtiness of it. Which means it is compulsive behavior and my brain needs dopamine.

Still don't have morning wood. I am close to 90 days, and I don't know how to feel about it. I feel good that I made it so far, but a little bit devastated because so little progress. I am so tired of this fight, and feel like I am fighting on autopilot. Today was thinking that I should just move into woods for a year, where there will be no people, no internet and I will be able to reboot easier.


evan alden said:
Your story inspired me. Keep it up!!
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Thank you! I hope you recover! Stay strong and don't give up!
 
MichaelDracula said:
Some updates. Today felt a bit more horny. Had intrusive gay thoughts again. They were not so strong as my previous urges, but they were present. Of course, my HOCD kicked in and I started googling stuff like "porn switched my sexuality" and stuff like that. Caught myself pretty early and stopped it. What gives me hope is that I also have straight urges in the morning and in the evening and my mind still wants women. Started analyzing again, and again came to the conclusion that I am not attracted to men, but to the act and dirtiness of it. Which means it is compulsive behavior and my brain needs dopamine.

Still don't have morning wood. I am close to 90 days, and I don't know how to feel about it. I feel good that I made it so far, but a little bit devastated because so little progress. I am so tired of this fight, and feel like I am fighting on autopilot. Today was thinking that I should just move into woods for a year, where there will be no people, no internet and I will be able to reboot easier.



Thank you! I hope you recover! Stay strong and don't give up!
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hey man. i can relate and i am right around the same time as you with no PMO.
 
jackson9999 said:
hey man. i can relate and i am right around the same time as you with no PMO.
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Good. What about morning woods? What about erection quality? Has it improved?

Also, something interesting, it seems that those gay urges were brains last hope, despite them being stronger than my regular urges, erections were still weak, and urges faded away quicker than last time. Will see how it progresses. Aiming to hit at least 180 days, before making any conclusions about my progress.
 
MichaelDracula said:
Good. What about morning woods? What about erection quality? Has it improved?

Also, something interesting, it seems that those gay urges were brains last hope, despite them being stronger than my regular urges, erections were still weak, and urges faded away quicker than last time. Will see how it progresses. Aiming to hit at least 180 days, before making any conclusions about my progress.
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over a few days i had better morning wood but it has since gone away. i wake up in the middle of the night with an erection often, usually after an erotic gay dream.

i agree with your "last hope" comment. my brain seems to be doing the same thing.
 
jackson9999 said:
over a few days i had better morning wood but it has since gone away. i wake up in the middle of the night with an erection often, usually after an erotic gay dream.

i agree with your "last hope" comment. my brain seems to be doing the same thing.
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How strong were your morning woods? I don’t have mw, or they are very weak if they are present. I had 2 gay dreams in the beginning and now I never have them. Both were about me watching porn. Both were dry dreams, one included orgasm, but without my penis even being erect, and without release of course.
When I started soft mode half a year ago, which means I masturbated, but without porn, I had one wet dream with a woman. I think this is the first wet dream I had in years. Also, interesting fact, I didn’t have gay urges when doing soft mode, and I thought those urges aren’t gone, but as soon as I started nofap they returned.

Also, I have very strong anxiety, that I will never be able to have my erections back, my mind is constantly thinking what I will do, if I don’t get them back, followed by gay urges. If I am able to calm myself down, I lose them.
 
Have u tried having guy in bed? Then see if u still cannot get it up. I have similar thoughts before then find out im bi.
 
felachange said:
Have u tried having guy in bed? Then see if u still cannot get it up. I have similar thoughts before then find out im bi.
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I don't have morning wood and my erection strength is weak. If I cannot get it up with a girl, that doesn't mean I am gay. Also, I don't have actual feelings for guys, I am actually disgusted by naked males bodies. If I start thinking about real life experience, I lose my interest immediately. I don't have any feelings for guys, and never in my life have I fallen in love with a guy. Before I escalated to sissy porn genres, possibility of gay sex never even crossed my mind. I think this thing is some kind of deep fetish, where I want to be dominated, and it's not about other men, that is driving it. It's about the domination itself, and it doesn't matter who is on the other part of it. I think this fetish was created, because I was masturbating when feeling down because of school abuse, parents etc. Now I am old enough, and broke through that shell physically, but not yet mentally. I think I need more time, to get my emotions, physicality and psyche in check.

If at the end, I find out that I am bisexual, or even gay, that's fine. I am not ashamed of it, and don't find it bad. I just don't feel like it's part of who I am, because since the very early childhood I was 100% attracted to only girls.
 
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