21yearsin recovery Journal

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by 21yearsin, Apr 2, 2018.

  1. 21yearsin

    21yearsin Fapstronaut

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    Over the past 3 months since Dday I have learned I can't wish it away, can't will it away, can't want it away. It's not going away. What happened- happened and I can't change that. 25 years of lies aren't going to go away. Memories now tarnished aren't going to shine again. That life is over.
    I don't want to let go of it all, I'm angry, torn, confused, humiliated, embarrassed, above all hurt and betrayed.
    I didn't know my husband who is 13 years my senior was STARING at other women the whole time we've been together. I didn't know he was watching porn the WHOLE TIME even though I had caught him a few times. I knew after Dday #1 years ago he used to go to HOOTERS and tell me he was in a meeting. I KNEW he went to strip clubs and tell me he was in a meeting which led him to be a stay at home dad for YEARS. I couldn't even trust him to go to WORK.
    The problem with me is I got TOO CONFIDENT. I was 5 ' 7 100 lbs 32D 24 34. I was a MODEL. I didn't think he WOULD look at anyone else. I turned heads everywhere we went. He's not the jealous type.
    Well, look where it's gotten me..... Where I am today. An empty shell of who I used to be.

    For today though, I have to try to put my life back together. We have to try to put our life back together and it's not going to look the same. I don't know what it's going to look like but I'm not ready to throw my marriage away. We have a granddaughter arriving in the fall, I have a daughter that doesn't know what a broken home is and I'm not going to show her and I have 25 years invested.

    I still love even through the pain..... @MyWifeDeservesBetter don't make me regret it.
     
    u376 and hope4healing like this.
  2. 21yearsin

    21yearsin Fapstronaut

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    Just to clarify I wasn't bragging about being a model- I was showing how stupid I was:(
     
  3. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    For the record, I've never seen a ugly SO. (*cough*heard of one*cough*) I think PAs are attracted to us like that...
    They must think because we look we are pretty, we are stupid or blind or something... Idk
     
    21yearsin likes this.
  4. 21yearsin

    21yearsin Fapstronaut

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    Makes sense, but makes me ask again WHY LOL
     
    Kenzi likes this.
  5. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Riiiiiiiggggghhhhttt lol
     
    21yearsin likes this.
  6. 21yearsin

    21yearsin Fapstronaut

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    Today is another day, there were no arguments last night which was nice. I am so exhausted from the arguing. We spent some time cuddling which we try to do every night and it was very comforting. Then he got excited which was fine, but I just wasn't ready and he understood. It's not that I don't desire him, it's just that my emotions are so all over the place right now I need them to settle a bit before I can take that step.
     
  7. 21yearsin

    21yearsin Fapstronaut

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    Day 3- not a good day- He has to meet with some women from a non-profit at work today. I just had to look up their LinkedIn profiles. Gorgeous, young the type he would GAWK at. I know it's not his fault that this meeting was set up,but I'm not happy about it. I feel uneasy but what can I do? Nothing. I ended up sleeping a lot of today as not to have to think about it. Truly depressed.
     
  8. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Hugs***
     
    21yearsin likes this.
  9. 21yearsin

    21yearsin Fapstronaut

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    Thank you, it really ended up being much ado about nothing but in my brain it was alot
     
  10. 21yearsin

    21yearsin Fapstronaut

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    Day 5 hubbys birthday, Happy about it, feeling good today-so far.
     
    Kenzi likes this.
  11. 21yearsin

    21yearsin Fapstronaut

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    Day 6 Things are going pretty good. I'm depressed and lonely but I usually am. I work from home so no real friends/ interaction during the day and I hate it but it is what it is. I mean even if I had friends what would we talk about? I'm just not good with it. I have had friends in the past and they died so I just keep to myself. Hubby has been much more present and understanding. I can tell he is working hard on his recovery, that's a good thing.
     
  12. 21yearsin

    21yearsin Fapstronaut

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    Day 7
    We are becoming much closer getting back to US what we were BEFORE all the BS. It's been so many years since I have felt loved and appreciated. I have really had to let go of the negativity to allow this to happen and he has had to do a lot of changing. Am I happy go lucky and trust 100% no I'm not there yet but I don't freak out every time he leaves the house either. I do have triggers (I hate commercials with all the young girls and make up and of course Vicky Secret ads) they freak me out inside. I try to DVR as much as I can so I can fast forward through them. I mean even face cream ads have gotten ridiculously seductive. I don't make orgasmic faces when I put on my face cream. They gear it ALL towards men which is stupid because men aren't buying it.
     

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