228 days

burningwitch

New Fapstronaut
I'm new to this forum so I don't know any of the lingo or words used to avoid triggering others but I'll do my best to be mindful.
Ever since I was around 5-6 years old, I have been deeply obsessed with women. Even before I knew what a naked woman fully looked like, I would constantly dream about them and I started feeling physical urges at an extremely young age. I did not grow in terms of stature or develop a deep voice and what not earlier than my peers, but I have been well endowed since I was at least 5th grade (~10 years old). This has always made it easy for me to feel urges even when I am not feeling aroused emotionally at all. Just generally having a larger part has always made it tough because I seem to get aroused while doing nothing arousing at all. Sometimes I can walk the wrong way and just get aroused. This is all relevant because it made me a deeply disturbed person ever since I was young and I would continue to entertain my urges because it was just all too easy for me to get in that mindset of needing the quick dopamine hit after my constant irritating er*ctions. Once I managed to go without entertaining any of it for around 8 months and then again a year later I managed around 6 months because I had started speaking to this girl I thought would have never wanted anything to do with me. To my surprise, she seemed to enjoy my company and we spoke everyday for around 7 months. I thought I should improve myself and be pure like her. I didn't know at the time but that girl was far from innocent. This fed a little into my relapse which occurred 3 months after we agreed to stop talking to each other. So not counting those periods where I had stopped, I had been feeding my urges at least 3 times a week for years (6-7 total with the intensity ramping in the last 3). On some days I would engage in it 9 times. I had gone down several rabbit holes because regular harmful material stopped being enough to satiate me. I would find myself just looking at the same things over and over because I knew it would take too long to find something new. I had also just stopped going on outright adult sites because I did not want anything like that on my devices. I did not know it at the time but this was actually to my detriment, I had started using reddit and twitter exclusively. I do not know what is wrong with the moderation on those sites, but there was some seriously illegal content just in plain view on both which would not be terminated even after reporting it. This, along with meeting my future girlfriend, made me stop entertaining my urges in February. This time I did not quit because I thought this particular girl was innocent or something so I'd need to match her (although later I did find out she's very innocent and pure compared to me, she's never even entertained an urge even once in her life), I did it because for the first time in my life, I felt deeply disturbed with myself with an unshakeable feeling. I thought of how the adult content landscape is just built on exploitation and how I was feeding the machine. With drawn content, physical individuals aren't harmed (typically) but I found that illegal drawn content was a gateway for some people to start engaging in real illegal content. There were countless accounts on twitter I saw who would constantly post about these disturbing thoughts and it was frightening because even though there was a very clear distinction between them and I, I was closer to them than someone who abstained from adult content entirely. I've since deleted my twitter and reddit (;I don't think I have been on an explicit adult site in over 2 years). Since February, I have gotten constant urges and it is difficult because I am prone to nocturnal emissions (I believe this is just because I am easily aroused due to my large size), but I have not entertained my urges as I did before. I also ended up getting broken up with but that was fine because she made a giant effort to reconnect with me after two weeks of not talking. 7 months later, she's still the person I talk to and adore the most. I do accredit a lot of my success to her because any lustful thought is instantly pushed out of my brain because I just think of her and how special she is. I do not really know the point of this post besides getting my experience out there but if I had any advice, it would be to find someone to cherish. You'll find that love entirely occupies the hole in our hearts that lust could only hope to fill. I wish all of you success and a disgust free life.
 
I'm new to this forum so I don't know any of the lingo or words used to avoid triggering others but I'll do my best to be mindful.
Ever since I was around 5-6 years old, I have been deeply obsessed with women. Even before I knew what a naked woman fully looked like, I would constantly dream about them and I started feeling physical urges at an extremely young age. I did not grow in terms of stature or develop a deep voice and what not earlier than my peers, but I have been well endowed since I was at least 5th grade (~10 years old). This has always made it easy for me to feel urges even when I am not feeling aroused emotionally at all. Just generally having a larger part has always made it tough because I seem to get aroused while doing nothing arousing at all. Sometimes I can walk the wrong way and just get aroused. This is all relevant because it made me a deeply disturbed person ever since I was young and I would continue to entertain my urges because it was just all too easy for me to get in that mindset of needing the quick dopamine hit after my constant irritating er*ctions. Once I managed to go without entertaining any of it for around 8 months and then again a year later I managed around 6 months because I had started speaking to this girl I thought would have never wanted anything to do with me. To my surprise, she seemed to enjoy my company and we spoke everyday for around 7 months. I thought I should improve myself and be pure like her. I didn't know at the time but that girl was far from innocent. This fed a little into my relapse which occurred 3 months after we agreed to stop talking to each other. So not counting those periods where I had stopped, I had been feeding my urges at least 3 times a week for years (6-7 total with the intensity ramping in the last 3). On some days I would engage in it 9 times. I had gone down several rabbit holes because regular harmful material stopped being enough to satiate me. I would find myself just looking at the same things over and over because I knew it would take too long to find something new. I had also just stopped going on outright adult sites because I did not want anything like that on my devices. I did not know it at the time but this was actually to my detriment, I had started using reddit and twitter exclusively. I do not know what is wrong with the moderation on those sites, but there was some seriously illegal content just in plain view on both which would not be terminated even after reporting it. This, along with meeting my future girlfriend, made me stop entertaining my urges in February. This time I did not quit because I thought this particular girl was innocent or something so I'd need to match her (although later I did find out she's very innocent and pure compared to me, she's never even entertained an urge even once in her life), I did it because for the first time in my life, I felt deeply disturbed with myself with an unshakeable feeling. I thought of how the adult content landscape is just built on exploitation and how I was feeding the machine. With drawn content, physical individuals aren't harmed (typically) but I found that illegal drawn content was a gateway for some people to start engaging in real illegal content. There were countless accounts on twitter I saw who would constantly post about these disturbing thoughts and it was frightening because even though there was a very clear distinction between them and I, I was closer to them than someone who abstained from adult content entirely. I've since deleted my twitter and reddit (;I don't think I have been on an explicit adult site in over 2 years). Since February, I have gotten constant urges and it is difficult because I am prone to nocturnal emissions (I believe this is just because I am easily aroused due to my large size), but I have not entertained my urges as I did before. I also ended up getting broken up with but that was fine because she made a giant effort to reconnect with me after two weeks of not talking. 7 months later, she's still the person I talk to and adore the most. I do accredit a lot of my success to her because any lustful thought is instantly pushed out of my brain because I just think of her and how special she is. I do not really know the point of this post besides getting my experience out there but if I had any advice, it would be to find someone to cherish. You'll find that love entirely occupies the hole in our hearts that lust could only hope to fill. I wish all of you success and a disgust free life.
Great story. I can relate to being younger and getting aroused over nothing and having alot of random erections. Yes, I remember fantasizing about women at 5 years old too, as a kindergartner. Surprisingly intimate stuff for that age. And then I found porn at 11 years old, and have been addicted ever since. Didn't go one week without it until just a couple years ago. I'm 22 now and my longest streak is only 26 days. Abstinence from PMO is truly the only way to go for me. I know that from my limited experience. Night and day difference in quality of life. Yet it's INCREDIBLY difficult for me, as I have such a strong sex drive. I haven't gotten a 7 day streak in the last 3 months of actively trying. And mind you, I'm not without self control. I meditate, take cold showers daily, exercise almost daily, I'm in great shape, physically strong and visually aesthetic. Military experience. But NoFap is easily the hardest thing I've ever done in my life - it trumps even the roughest times in the military. And I know I will succeed in it eventually as long as I keep trying. The tip you offered in the end about having someone you love in your life gave me a huge realization. Both my longest streaks, 26 and 21 days, were when I was super interested in particular girls and had an emotional connection with them. The 26-day streak was when I was talking everyday with literally the most perfect girl I've ever met. Wife material both emotionally and rationally. The only girl I've ever felt that way with. But she has a long-time boyfriend (together since 15) so we're not talking anymore as she felt it would be wrong to continue talking with me, which I honestly agree with. The 21 day streak was when I had another girl in my life. Very interested in her also but not in the same way (more just a sexual relationship). Right around that time, about 6 months ago, my mom died, and ever since then I've been pretty much binging. During the last few months I've had two one-night stands but those are far from an emotional connection, and really didn't help me. I want to be pure and free of the destructive filth of PMO. It is not natural, and keep the people under its spell increasingly lonely and depraved. I know this in my heart. But quitting is unbelievably difficult. I feel sadness, quilt, intense anger and hate for the fact that I've been trying many years to quit yet haven't achieved that. My question to you is, do you have any other tips to end the cycle? What have you found the be the most beneficial things, and what is your mindset going into a new streak?
 
Great story. I can relate to being younger and getting aroused over nothing and having alot of random erections. Yes, I remember fantasizing about women at 5 years old too, as a kindergartner. Surprisingly intimate stuff for that age. And then I found porn at 11 years old, and have been addicted ever since. Didn't go one week without it until just a couple years ago. I'm 22 now and my longest streak is only 26 days. Abstinence from PMO is truly the only way to go for me. I know that from my limited experience. Night and day difference in quality of life. Yet it's INCREDIBLY difficult for me, as I have such a strong sex drive. I haven't gotten a 7 day streak in the last 3 months of actively trying. And mind you, I'm not without self control. I meditate, take cold showers daily, exercise almost daily, I'm in great shape, physically strong and visually aesthetic. Military experience. But NoFap is easily the hardest thing I've ever done in my life - it trumps even the roughest times in the military. And I know I will succeed in it eventually as long as I keep trying. The tip you offered in the end about having someone you love in your life gave me a huge realization. Both my longest streaks, 26 and 21 days, were when I was super interested in particular girls and had an emotional connection with them. The 26-day streak was when I was talking everyday with literally the most perfect girl I've ever met. Wife material both emotionally and rationally. The only girl I've ever felt that way with. But she has a long-time boyfriend (together since 15) so we're not talking anymore as she felt it would be wrong to continue talking with me, which I honestly agree with. The 21 day streak was when I had another girl in my life. Very interested in her also but not in the same way (more just a sexual relationship). Right around that time, about 6 months ago, my mom died, and ever since then I've been pretty much binging. During the last few months I've had two one-night stands but those are far from an emotional connection, and really didn't help me. I want to be pure and free of the destructive filth of PMO. It is not natural, and keep the people under its spell increasingly lonely and depraved. I know this in my heart. But quitting is unbelievably difficult. I feel sadness, quilt, intense anger and hate for the fact that I've been trying many years to quit yet haven't achieved that. My question to you is, do you have any other tips to end the cycle? What have you found the be the most beneficial things, and what is your mindset going into a new streak?

I'm not the OP but .. I would say, don't worry. I had streaks of similiar length as you do when I was your age i.e. about 3 weeks. Then suddenly I had a breakthrough and managed to reach a streak of 6 months.
I am a few years older now, and truth be told I'm not doing aswell as I was previously.
But one tip I can give you is: Take one of those yellow sticky note papers (that are the size of almost your hand). Turn it vertical and write down Day 1.) Day 2.) till Day 7.) i.e. each one below the previous one. Make the intention to exercise each day either gym or cardio of atelast 20 minutes. Each day write down "gym" or "cardio" when you have done it and make a check mark with your pen for that day after your workout. This is motivating as you want to complete the "mission" and it becomes like a game almost. Because you see you have completed 4 days already, you think to yourself "I'm almost there" I will push on for just a little more.

When you have completed it, do it again and again with those sticky note papers. And hang them somewhere together, as if it was a vision board. I tell you, when sometimes I have had a bad few weeks where I have relapsed every 3 or 4 days, I look at that wall and I am instantly reminded of how often I have made it to 7 days successfully and it is so motivating. Try it!
 
Great story. I can relate to being younger and getting aroused over nothing and having alot of random erections. Yes, I remember fantasizing about women at 5 years old too, as a kindergartner. Surprisingly intimate stuff for that age. And then I found porn at 11 years old, and have been addicted ever since. Didn't go one week without it until just a couple years ago. I'm 22 now and my longest streak is only 26 days. Abstinence from PMO is truly the only way to go for me. I know that from my limited experience. Night and day difference in quality of life. Yet it's INCREDIBLY difficult for me, as I have such a strong sex drive. I haven't gotten a 7 day streak in the last 3 months of actively trying. And mind you, I'm not without self control. I meditate, take cold showers daily, exercise almost daily, I'm in great shape, physically strong and visually aesthetic. Military experience. But NoFap is easily the hardest thing I've ever done in my life - it trumps even the roughest times in the military. And I know I will succeed in it eventually as long as I keep trying. The tip you offered in the end about having someone you love in your life gave me a huge realization. Both my longest streaks, 26 and 21 days, were when I was super interested in particular girls and had an emotional connection with them. The 26-day streak was when I was talking everyday with literally the most perfect girl I've ever met. Wife material both emotionally and rationally. The only girl I've ever felt that way with. But she has a long-time boyfriend (together since 15) so we're not talking anymore as she felt it would be wrong to continue talking with me, which I honestly agree with. The 21 day streak was when I had another girl in my life. Very interested in her also but not in the same way (more just a sexual relationship). Right around that time, about 6 months ago, my mom died, and ever since then I've been pretty much binging. During the last few months I've had two one-night stands but those are far from an emotional connection, and really didn't help me. I want to be pure and free of the destructive filth of PMO. It is not natural, and keep the people under its spell increasingly lonely and depraved. I know this in my heart. But quitting is unbelievably difficult. I feel sadness, quilt, intense anger and hate for the fact that I've been trying many years to quit yet haven't achieved that. My question to you is, do you have any other tips to end the cycle? What have you found the be the most beneficial things, and what is your mindset going into a new streak?
I do have a lot of tips, but I am not sure you will find many to be useful. When I was around 13, I read a tip from someone where they said they simply thought of Donald Trump's balls each time they were aroused and their arousal went away. More power to him, but that doesn't cut it for me. Also, you mentioned your mom passing away, which made you spiral. I am very sorry for your loss. I lost a dear friend I had known for the majority of my life back in December, and it still affects me a lot. It made me very despondent and took away a lot of my drive for general life. Strangely, that also applied to my desire to satiate my lust. This may sound strange, but focus on being sad instead of lustful. Another thing I did quite a lot when I felt immense urges was attempt to flex every muscle in my body at once. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't, but a reply to you mentioned exercise, which I wholeheartedly agree with. I would add on to make sure to do it exactly when you feel urges. Another tip I have is very silly, but it is something I recently noticed. Due to the girl I cherish, I started to watch a lot of romance shows she liked after she told me about one of her favorites. Seeing such pure displays of love and lust in absent relationships fills me with a warm feeling that honestly makes any strange urges go away. I am only realizing this in hindsight, but that picturesque perfect and pure love really helped me in moving in the opposite direction from lust. The show in my profile picture is really sweet; if you're interested at all, I'll tell you what it is. Essentially, though, I am recommending you consume media where wholesome and pure relationships are shown. I guarantee it will make you feel nasty about any improper thoughts. Movies I can readily recommend are Pride and Prejudice, Your Name, and A Silent Voice. My last and most personally impactful tip, which has greatly helped in getting this far, is thinking of previously mentioned wholesome relationships before sleeping. It puts my mind at ease, and I am telling you there is no greater force on this earth than love. You can make up something completely random between two imaginary people and imagine a beautiful life for them. Anything like that, it doesn't matter what, as long as you are feeding the love in your heart (this is a given, but do not involve lust). Lastly, I need you to know you are not alone. I am also an extremely disciplined person, and out of all the tough addictions I've developed in my life, this is genuinely the hardest. Kicking nicotine was an actual cakewalk compared to this Herculean task. I don't know if you're religious at all, but at one point I spent each night in a month just begging God for strength in this ongoing endeavor. I would like to believe I was helped and am being helped along this path. About mindset when going into new streaks: I would literally and mentally beat myself up over my previous failure. I would use those feelings of anger and guilt you mentioned to strengthen my resolve and move forward. I had told myself near the start of the year that the time where I would entertain my desire for the last time would be soon. I haven't made any promises, but at this stage, I would rather shred the flesh on my hands than engage in lustful deeds. Good luck brother. I know I said a lot but let me know if you want me to follow up or if there is any way I can help out.
 
I'm not the OP but .. I would say, don't worry. I had streaks of similiar length as you do when I was your age i.e. about 3 weeks. Then suddenly I had a breakthrough and managed to reach a streak of 6 months.
I am a few years older now, and truth be told I'm not doing aswell as I was previously.
But one tip I can give you is: Take one of those yellow sticky note papers (that are the size of almost your hand). Turn it vertical and write down Day 1.) Day 2.) till Day 7.) i.e. each one below the previous one. Make the intention to exercise each day either gym or cardio of atelast 20 minutes. Each day write down "gym" or "cardio" when you have done it and make a check mark with your pen for that day after your workout. This is motivating as you want to complete the "mission" and it becomes like a game almost. Because you see you have completed 4 days already, you think to yourself "I'm almost there" I will push on for just a little more.

When you have completed it, do it again and again with those sticky note papers. And hang them somewhere together, as if it was a vision board. I tell you, when sometimes I have had a bad few weeks where I have relapsed every 3 or 4 days, I look at that wall and I am instantly reminded of how often I have made it to 7 days successfully and it is so motivating. Try it!
Thank you for the reply. I have a very rigid workout regimen already, but keeping track like this sounds very helpful so that you can visually see your success and be motivated by that. Keep going brother! Six months is already a long time and you're clearly well on your way to freedom.
 
I do have a lot of tips, but I am not sure you will find many to be useful. When I was around 13, I read a tip from someone where they said they simply thought of Donald Trump's balls each time they were aroused and their arousal went away. More power to him, but that doesn't cut it for me. Also, you mentioned your mom passing away, which made you spiral. I am very sorry for your loss. I lost a dear friend I had known for the majority of my life back in December, and it still affects me a lot. It made me very despondent and took away a lot of my drive for general life. Strangely, that also applied to my desire to satiate my lust. This may sound strange, but focus on being sad instead of lustful. Another thing I did quite a lot when I felt immense urges was attempt to flex every muscle in my body at once. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't, but a reply to you mentioned exercise, which I wholeheartedly agree with. I would add on to make sure to do it exactly when you feel urges. Another tip I have is very silly, but it is something I recently noticed. Due to the girl I cherish, I started to watch a lot of romance shows she liked after she told me about one of her favorites. Seeing such pure displays of love and lust in absent relationships fills me with a warm feeling that honestly makes any strange urges go away. I am only realizing this in hindsight, but that picturesque perfect and pure love really helped me in moving in the opposite direction from lust. The show in my profile picture is really sweet; if you're interested at all, I'll tell you what it is. Essentially, though, I am recommending you consume media where wholesome and pure relationships are shown. I guarantee it will make you feel nasty about any improper thoughts. Movies I can readily recommend are Pride and Prejudice, Your Name, and A Silent Voice. My last and most personally impactful tip, which has greatly helped in getting this far, is thinking of previously mentioned wholesome relationships before sleeping. It puts my mind at ease, and I am telling you there is no greater force on this earth than love. You can make up something completely random between two imaginary people and imagine a beautiful life for them. Anything like that, it doesn't matter what, as long as you are feeding the love in your heart (this is a given, but do not involve lust). Lastly, I need you to know you are not alone. I am also an extremely disciplined person, and out of all the tough addictions I've developed in my life, this is genuinely the hardest. Kicking nicotine was an actual cakewalk compared to this Herculean task. I don't know if you're religious at all, but at one point I spent each night in a month just begging God for strength in this ongoing endeavor. I would like to believe I was helped and am being helped along this path. About mindset when going into new streaks: I would literally and mentally beat myself up over my previous failure. I would use those feelings of anger and guilt you mentioned to strengthen my resolve and move forward. I had told myself near the start of the year that the time where I would entertain my desire for the last time would be soon. I haven't made any promises, but at this stage, I would rather shred the flesh on my hands than engage in lustful deeds. Good luck brother. I know I said a lot but let me know if you want me to follow up or if there is any way I can help out.
It's a very insightful reply and I appreciate it mate. Incorporating some type of exercise when I'm feeling tempted is probably a good idea. I have tried that like two years ago a little bit (doing a bunch of push-ups when I feel urges coming on). I don't remember whether it helped back then but I'll definetly try it again now that you mentioned it. I already consume wholesome content around the subject of love, and I do daydream about love often. Maybe the most important thing for me right now would be to get mentally ready for a woman/women having a bigger part in my life. I'll give those movies a watch though, what's the name of the movie on your pfp? Yes, I have just recently started getting into God, and I love it. It has been the greatest change I've made in my life, probably ever. I'm already building somewhat of a relationship with God as I'm reading the Bible from start to finish currently and I also listen to the Bible and pray almost every day. It has helped in a lot of other areas in my life. I now know what I want and where I'm going in life. I know what the perfect life means for me as a human and as a man, and I want to get as close to that as possible. I genuinely want to be a good person in the eyes of God, and that's one thing that's motivating me towards sexual purity and escape from the shackles of porn addiction. But in your reply, what really struck me was your conviction. "I would rather shred the flesh on my hands than engage in lustful deeds." It sounds like you're speaking the truth here. You are serious about this. You're not joking around, and you're not trying half-assedly. That's why you will continue to succeed. I need to learn a thing or two from this. I'm slowly inching toward this point of conviction too, but there's still some ways to go. I need to be consistent with this conviction and not abandon it when in time of temptation. That's not true conviction. Anyways, you've been super helpful already, so thank you brother! Good luck with your journey, I truly hope to see continued success for you and I will keep taps on you lol.
 
Thank you for the reply. I have a very rigid workout regimen already, but keeping track like this sounds very helpful so that you can visually see your success and be motivated by that. Keep going brother! Six months is already a long time and you're clearly well on your way to freedom.

Yes. And the main idea is that you view it not only as keeping track of sports but of nofap/success days.
It's also good bc when other people come across your notes they will think it's just about sports.
 
Yes. And the main idea is that you view it not only as keeping track of sports but of nofap/success days.
It's also good bc when other people come across your notes they will think it's just about sports.
Ah I understand now! Yeah that's a very smart idea, might do that too.
 
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