burningwitch
New Fapstronaut
I'm new to this forum so I don't know any of the lingo or words used to avoid triggering others but I'll do my best to be mindful.
Ever since I was around 5-6 years old, I have been deeply obsessed with women. Even before I knew what a naked woman fully looked like, I would constantly dream about them and I started feeling physical urges at an extremely young age. I did not grow in terms of stature or develop a deep voice and what not earlier than my peers, but I have been well endowed since I was at least 5th grade (~10 years old). This has always made it easy for me to feel urges even when I am not feeling aroused emotionally at all. Just generally having a larger part has always made it tough because I seem to get aroused while doing nothing arousing at all. Sometimes I can walk the wrong way and just get aroused. This is all relevant because it made me a deeply disturbed person ever since I was young and I would continue to entertain my urges because it was just all too easy for me to get in that mindset of needing the quick dopamine hit after my constant irritating er*ctions. Once I managed to go without entertaining any of it for around 8 months and then again a year later I managed around 6 months because I had started speaking to this girl I thought would have never wanted anything to do with me. To my surprise, she seemed to enjoy my company and we spoke everyday for around 7 months. I thought I should improve myself and be pure like her. I didn't know at the time but that girl was far from innocent. This fed a little into my relapse which occurred 3 months after we agreed to stop talking to each other. So not counting those periods where I had stopped, I had been feeding my urges at least 3 times a week for years (6-7 total with the intensity ramping in the last 3). On some days I would engage in it 9 times. I had gone down several rabbit holes because regular harmful material stopped being enough to satiate me. I would find myself just looking at the same things over and over because I knew it would take too long to find something new. I had also just stopped going on outright adult sites because I did not want anything like that on my devices. I did not know it at the time but this was actually to my detriment, I had started using reddit and twitter exclusively. I do not know what is wrong with the moderation on those sites, but there was some seriously illegal content just in plain view on both which would not be terminated even after reporting it. This, along with meeting my future girlfriend, made me stop entertaining my urges in February. This time I did not quit because I thought this particular girl was innocent or something so I'd need to match her (although later I did find out she's very innocent and pure compared to me, she's never even entertained an urge even once in her life), I did it because for the first time in my life, I felt deeply disturbed with myself with an unshakeable feeling. I thought of how the adult content landscape is just built on exploitation and how I was feeding the machine. With drawn content, physical individuals aren't harmed (typically) but I found that illegal drawn content was a gateway for some people to start engaging in real illegal content. There were countless accounts on twitter I saw who would constantly post about these disturbing thoughts and it was frightening because even though there was a very clear distinction between them and I, I was closer to them than someone who abstained from adult content entirely. I've since deleted my twitter and reddit (;I don't think I have been on an explicit adult site in over 2 years). Since February, I have gotten constant urges and it is difficult because I am prone to nocturnal emissions (I believe this is just because I am easily aroused due to my large size), but I have not entertained my urges as I did before. I also ended up getting broken up with but that was fine because she made a giant effort to reconnect with me after two weeks of not talking. 7 months later, she's still the person I talk to and adore the most. I do accredit a lot of my success to her because any lustful thought is instantly pushed out of my brain because I just think of her and how special she is. I do not really know the point of this post besides getting my experience out there but if I had any advice, it would be to find someone to cherish. You'll find that love entirely occupies the hole in our hearts that lust could only hope to fill. I wish all of you success and a disgust free life.
Ever since I was around 5-6 years old, I have been deeply obsessed with women. Even before I knew what a naked woman fully looked like, I would constantly dream about them and I started feeling physical urges at an extremely young age. I did not grow in terms of stature or develop a deep voice and what not earlier than my peers, but I have been well endowed since I was at least 5th grade (~10 years old). This has always made it easy for me to feel urges even when I am not feeling aroused emotionally at all. Just generally having a larger part has always made it tough because I seem to get aroused while doing nothing arousing at all. Sometimes I can walk the wrong way and just get aroused. This is all relevant because it made me a deeply disturbed person ever since I was young and I would continue to entertain my urges because it was just all too easy for me to get in that mindset of needing the quick dopamine hit after my constant irritating er*ctions. Once I managed to go without entertaining any of it for around 8 months and then again a year later I managed around 6 months because I had started speaking to this girl I thought would have never wanted anything to do with me. To my surprise, she seemed to enjoy my company and we spoke everyday for around 7 months. I thought I should improve myself and be pure like her. I didn't know at the time but that girl was far from innocent. This fed a little into my relapse which occurred 3 months after we agreed to stop talking to each other. So not counting those periods where I had stopped, I had been feeding my urges at least 3 times a week for years (6-7 total with the intensity ramping in the last 3). On some days I would engage in it 9 times. I had gone down several rabbit holes because regular harmful material stopped being enough to satiate me. I would find myself just looking at the same things over and over because I knew it would take too long to find something new. I had also just stopped going on outright adult sites because I did not want anything like that on my devices. I did not know it at the time but this was actually to my detriment, I had started using reddit and twitter exclusively. I do not know what is wrong with the moderation on those sites, but there was some seriously illegal content just in plain view on both which would not be terminated even after reporting it. This, along with meeting my future girlfriend, made me stop entertaining my urges in February. This time I did not quit because I thought this particular girl was innocent or something so I'd need to match her (although later I did find out she's very innocent and pure compared to me, she's never even entertained an urge even once in her life), I did it because for the first time in my life, I felt deeply disturbed with myself with an unshakeable feeling. I thought of how the adult content landscape is just built on exploitation and how I was feeding the machine. With drawn content, physical individuals aren't harmed (typically) but I found that illegal drawn content was a gateway for some people to start engaging in real illegal content. There were countless accounts on twitter I saw who would constantly post about these disturbing thoughts and it was frightening because even though there was a very clear distinction between them and I, I was closer to them than someone who abstained from adult content entirely. I've since deleted my twitter and reddit (;I don't think I have been on an explicit adult site in over 2 years). Since February, I have gotten constant urges and it is difficult because I am prone to nocturnal emissions (I believe this is just because I am easily aroused due to my large size), but I have not entertained my urges as I did before. I also ended up getting broken up with but that was fine because she made a giant effort to reconnect with me after two weeks of not talking. 7 months later, she's still the person I talk to and adore the most. I do accredit a lot of my success to her because any lustful thought is instantly pushed out of my brain because I just think of her and how special she is. I do not really know the point of this post besides getting my experience out there but if I had any advice, it would be to find someone to cherish. You'll find that love entirely occupies the hole in our hearts that lust could only hope to fill. I wish all of you success and a disgust free life.