It’s 1:30am on a Friday night and I just failed for probably the 10th time in the past 18 months at quitting pornography and masturbation. I felt the desire building, I knew what I was doing would bring me sadness and pain, but I went ahead anyway. I’ve tried so many times to quit on my own, too embarrassed to ask for help about these issues. Tonight I decided to turn to NoFap as I don’t know where else to turn. I’m going for a PM free lifestyle. 18 months ago I quit alcohol and drugs. I had gotten arrested for the second time for alcohol and drug related issues. I was sent to rehab instead of jail and it changed my life. I learned valuable tools to beat my addictions. I went to AA, confided and leaned on a close support group. 18 months ago I was in the darkest depths of despair, but today my life is much better. Better is a subjective term though. For I was able to stay away from the bottle, but masturbation/pornography is like having the bottle in your hand 24/7 and trying not to drink. Pornography has chased me through my life. When I was 12, I remember finding out my iPod could connect to the internet. It started off so simply. I’d type in boobs and get excited. It wasn’t long until I found real porn. I had never kissed a girl, but I found BDSM porn and other extreme porn off the bat. It took awhile for me to actually gravitate to that area, but soon enough I did. Pornography at such a young age is the reason I believe I have anxiety induced erectile dysfunction. I can count way more times I failed to have sex than actually succeeding. It has brought such immense shame. The first time I tried to have sex at age 15 I failed. The last time I tried to have sex at age 20 I failed. I used to blame my failure to achieve an erection on alcohol. I’d say “ahh fucking whiskey dick”. I actually believed it. What I believe now is that while yes I often drank and did too many drugs, it was actually the opposite cycle. I was ashamed of myself, my anxiety, and my porn use so I drank to numb the pain and anxiety. That just in turn led to the self-fulfilling prophecy of not being able to perform. I remember in college coming to the conclusion that I could either not drink and maybe have sex (wasn’t even sure that would work, now I know it wouldn’t) or drink and just not have sex. Shame led me to the second option every time, even if I wanted to try the first. What started off as simply typing boobs on an iPod at 12 has led to me watching/listening to hypnotic femdom porn. I have shifted from even reputable sites to back alleys of the internet. I don’t know why I can’t quit. I KNOW it’s bad...but I can’t stop. Like we say in AA, I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired. Tonight I am fighting for my life back. I’m done trying my old approaches. I downloaded a porn blocker and I’m here laying my life at strangers’ feet. I got rid of so many vices, but this one is the root of so many of my issues. I don’t care about being some sexual stud. I don’t care about making up for all my past failures. I care about being able to love a woman and love myself. Starting now.