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23, new to NOFAP - starting my journey.

Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by Industriilor, Sep 4, 2020.

  1. Industriilor

    Industriilor Fapstronaut

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    So here I am, clutching onto this site as my last lifeline. I am a 23-year-old extremely fit/active young homosexual man who is plagued with PIED and porn addiction.

    I discovered this issue in the last three years as I began dating and being in long term relationships. My first relationship began after years of me feeling isolated, alone and horny and this relying daily on porn for intimacy. On the first date with my ex, I wasn't able to get hard despite urging to have sex. I assumed nerves, yet for over a year of our relationship, this was the issue. Only with the lights off, in a certain position (similar to sitting and masturbating) could I perform. And even then, 70% hard. I guess because I could imagine something else while having sex with someone I loved. It's messed up but I think that's why.

    Over the years I've watched as my he and other partners grew dissatisfied and impatient with the dead-end of our sex lives, leaving me no choice but to find an excuse and let them go. I've turned down men carved by angels all because I know that we'd have the same fate. I want sex, I crave sex. I can't stop looking at men online, at the gym, in clubs e.t.c Whenever I go out, I end up making out with a guy and sometimes go home with them... But ALWAYS... the same story.. at penetration I lose my erection... I often revert to being fucked as it means at least I can have sex. My longest relationship was like this. But still.. Something isn't working... Something the doctor or counselling can't put its finger on.

    Three years later, I've started dating someone great yet I worry I will have to distance myself from him as we naturally get closer to the stage of intimacy. I say to myself how much I would love to have sex with him, I've even masturbated to the idea of it. Yet when we've been together and kissing nothing in the trouser department has arisen.

    Now, I have been able to have enjoyable sex, but it is always a challenge and ED med induced. And still, ED med doesn't always stop the loss of erection at penetration.

    Sidenote: I get extremely hard morning wood/ wet dreams often weekly & can masturbate needing stimulation.

    Typically, when getting physical with a man, I will be raring to go, begin enthusiastically engaging in kissing and foreplay, arrive excitedly at penetration and then boom, my erection is gone despite this being the moment I fantasise about most. On rare occasions, if the partner responds well, we will be able to try again in a few minutes and 65% of the time it's a success. But this expected non-co-operation of my penis cripples me and destroys my ego, self-esteem and dating prospects. It leaves me feeling helpless and a fool. Surprisingly, this is the moment I get off to via porn. Just penetration, nothing else. So why in person it can't happen for me?

    As a result, I would devotedly revert to porn for stimulation and pleasure. Only when dating someone would I feel comfortable to be physical to some extent (mostly up until actual intercourse then I'd chicken out). I can masturbate 2-3 times a day from my phone, laptop, Instagram, twitter e.t.c (basically everywhere). I could never just 'get' an erection, but with work, I could play and edge for hours. But after ejaculation, I still wish I could have just met that guy or have had sex with the guy I had dumped because my penis didn't want to have sex as much as I did.

    So.... anyways? Here I am on this website I am getting to know. Taking an oath with myself and whoever is reading this that after these failed relationships, failed hookups, unsuccessful meds and deeps periods of self-pity... I am doing a Hard REBOOT and taking care of myself. I want to give this a shot, and not have to rely on meds to feel something. I want to have a healthy mind and soul that allows me to be intimate without the influences of porn working like the devil to extinguish the fire I do genuinely feel within. I want to move further within dating. I want to commit to someone and I want to enjoy sexual pleasure and penetration. I'm a young man for god's sake, I need to fix this.

    Seeing other peoples stories have brought me to tears. I can't believe I'm not alone in this. I'm excited, scared, nervous but devoted. I haven't wanted something this much ever before.

    So here goes, I need this for myself and my spirit.
    Cheers guys...

    PS. Apologies if too graphic / for LGBT material but yalla it is what it is.
     
    Tannhauser and Tari Legong like this.
  2. Tari Legong

    Tari Legong Fapstronaut

    Nothing to apologize man! i wish i could express myself as you did above, i'm not LGBT, but our goal here is the same, women and men, don't matter our sexual orientation we are all seeking for healing and honest, clean and not two-faced relationships. I wish you manage your struggle in your journey, best wishes to you!
     
    unexpectedjellyfish likes this.
  3. Industriilor

    Industriilor Fapstronaut

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    Cheers man I appreciated it. Hoping your journey is smooth and successful
     
    Tari Legong likes this.
  4. unexpectedjellyfish

    unexpectedjellyfish Fapstronaut

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    Dealing with PIED too man.. I know how it feels when you want something so bad, but your body won't listen to you.. But remember, we did that to ourselves and it's up to us now to fix it! Hardmode is the way, let's goooooooooo!
     
  5. Industriilor

    Industriilor Fapstronaut

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    Thanks man, I know we got this and I’m excited for the both of us. I had an off day today as I was sexting someone throughout who sent me nudes (which I replied and sent some back too) Not sure if it’s a relapse or something I should allow. Lots of conflicting thoughts.
     

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