23 years old, Feeling hopeless

I ve been fapping to porn since the age of 12 and never realised when it turned from a harmless activity that killed boredom to a debilitating addiction that has hijacked my dopamine centers and robbed me of the simple pleasures of life.

My longest streak ever was about 6 days which was 2 years ago. It felt incredible, 12-24 hrs is usually the longest streak I can manage these days. I don't know how I got to a point where I feel actual physical withdrawal from not fapping/porn, extreme irritation, hopelessness, mood swings of a little girl and suicidal thoughts are some of the more prominent symptoms I experience while I try abstaining.

I do realize that this addiction is due to a much deeper problem in my life and environment, I just dropped out of college to work for my dad's company and this just adds to the loss of control I feel in my life. I'm a fairly good looking guy with good "fake-able" social skills (I do have some forms of social and general anxiety). I've never had trouble maintaining a few hookup buddies at all times. I still face some form of ED with them though and tend to enjoy porn more. Tbh real sex just feels validational to me at this point and is not something I crave.

Here are the things I've done to instill more meaning into my life and could maybe help some of you reading as well:
1) Waking up at 6 am to train with weights and do cardio atleast 4 times a week:-
I hit the gym before I head to work, follow a strength progression program and do some cardio in the evening. I dread the cardio before I get on the elliptical but experience a huge mood lift once I'm done

2)Cleaned up my diet:
80% of my diet comes from whole foods balanced in macros, 20% depending on what I'm craving. I use the Myfitnesspal App and track everything to stick to a calorie deficit. (At 22% body fat looking to get down to 12). Quite simple, google has everything you need.

3)Started journalling everyday:
- I use a physical diary to actually write down my tasks and reflections for the day. I have been doing this consistently and has been a great help. Phone journal and calendar apps just don't do it for me. Physical journalling actually becomes an end of the day ritual because I sit down at the end of the day before bed, put my phone away and strike off tasks completed, and write my reflections on the different aspects that I'm working to improve(work, fitness, social & mental health)

- it might seem like a complicated and daunting task from the way I describe it but after doing it a for a few days, you ll find your own ways to make it much more efficient. For eg: I have reward systems, I give myself a star for each positive reflection under any category and a smiley for two or more stars under the same category (Seems childish but I actually strive to see my reflection page filled with as many stars and smileys as possible)

There's still many more things but this post is already quite long. Something no one knows about me is that I have a large stash of v!agra and cial!s at all times which I use before sex. My gf that I have been with for almost 3 years has no idea about it. I have a small amount of performance anxiety due to my PIED. Recently, even the v!agra hasn't been working as well for me.. Because the stimulus from regular sex just isn't enough anymore.

I really need some support, this seems like a very helpful community. Any kind words or even criticisms are greatly appreciated.

 

Thank you, I really appreciate any support I receive. My will to quit porn isn't very strong right now, but this community is definitely something I can to hold myself accountable