24 y/o, heading into this journey as a female!

Discussion in 'New to NoFap' started by Blue_Rasperry, Jun 1, 2019.

  1. Blue_Rasperry

    Blue_Rasperry New Fapstronaut

    I've been watching pornography and masturbating since before puberty, at a very young age. 11 seems accurate, but I may have been much younger when it first started.

    I've been pretty enshrined in shame for most of the addiction, and I've called it an "addiction" for a very long time. It contributed to my depression as a young teenager, and I even went to the extent of self-harm whenever I masturbated, because I was internally frustrated with my lack of self control...it wasn't a happy time in my life for various reasons. My heaviest porn and masturbation times were during my middle school and teenage years, but the problem has carried with me to a significant degree now into my 20's, and the form that the problem as taken has evolved and become riskier for my physical safety (see below).

    I've never told anyone that this is an issue. I tried telling my first-ever therapist when I was 18, and she somehow never understood the gravity of the situation. And then I've just always had more pressing concerns to deal with, when seeing future therapists. I've never disclosed this to any of my long-term partners either (I've had 3 boyfriends, and I'm currently in a relationship).

    I've tried quitting by myself many times over the years, but I've never had a structured plan with a support system like this before.

    I'm here because I consider this to be an uncontrollable addiction, it has had marked effects on my overall impulse control, mental cloudiness, and feelings of apathy when not masturbating.
    I've resorted to engaging in risky sexual activities. I've embarrassed myself by getting too drunk and hooking up with people that I shouldn't have because I had working social relations with them. I've traumatized myself by losing my virginity to someone much older than me when I wasn't ready and we had just met. I've embarrassed myself by making out with people I shouldn't have in front of people that I shouldn't have. My freshman year of college, I used hooking up with new people every weekend as a psychological coping mechanism. I've made my past and current boyfriends concerned for me by being unpredictable in when I'm ready to have sex and how ready I am to fully engage, sexually. It's affected my ability to regularly reach orgasm when I'm with my partner. The list goes on...

    This is my day 1, and I'm writing my first post because I'm currently fighting urges.
    Thanks in advance for any and all encouraging words, and I'm excited to see where this takes me.
    Last edited: Jun 1, 2019
    Always be positive and </47> like this.
  2. Bombadil

    Bombadil Fapstronaut

    Welcome, you've come to the right place. I think many of us tried to kick the habit before we came here, and many of us have failed before. Just joining a community of people who share the same struggles and hold each other accountable is a really big step. There's plenty of good advice here (though there is some that is a bit daft as well...) and I'd encourage you to have a look around and read up on how people are overcoming this addiction. It's a really supportive community and loads of people will be able to answer any questions, give advice, or just cheer you on.

    I won't patronise you and say it's going to be easy, but it is achievable. Change is possible, and there's a bunch of people here who can testify to that.

    Good luck!
    Blue_Rasperry likes this.
  3. </47>

    </47> Fapstronaut

    Welcome to the site blue. Like Bombadil said, you've come to the right place. Hope you get as much support as I have and make as many great friends on the site too. I can relate to what you said, about your therapist not being able to take it seriously. That's the society we live in now unfortunately. Porn is now just a "thing". Like smoking used to be in the 80s before it was finally branded as unhealthy. It's a pastime, something that "everyone does at one point or another". As such, the most dangerous thing you're likely to face down this road is losing your resolve to quit. You're going to read dozens of articles talking about how healthy masturbation is, and maybe even hear the same doctrines from people really close to you. But you know why you joined this site, better than anyone ever can. Keep that close to you. And even if you read around the site and discover the thousands of benefits that quitting porn can have, not only in your sex life but right across the spectrum, your main reason must still be the personal things that drove you here into this fight. You've been through a lot, most of which I can't even imagine, and as such I truly believe in you to kick this. Coz I know you won't suffer from any difficulties "making up your mind porn". You know it's bad, and you want it out. That's the first step.
    Like Bombadil said again, this road won't be easy. But in the end it all just depends on your dedication really. If you really really want it out of your life, you'll take the steps required. You'll replace the bad habits with good ones, not just covering them up. So where there was porn, you'll put exercise, meditation, personal hygiene, good diet, all the good stuff. And being as dedicated as I think you are from that post, I know you'll do these things with discipline and iron willpower. And that's the key most of the time. Cheers!
    Blue_Rasperry likes this.
  4. Always be positive

    Always be positive Fapstronaut


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