24 y/o male, South US (Long Read, You Can Skip If You Want)

Discussion in 'New to NoFap' started by Kellogsmove, Nov 13, 2019.

  1. Kellogsmove

    Kellogsmove Fapstronaut

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    Hey I call myself Kellogsmove on here, mainly because it reminds me of a story a former co-worker of mine told me about how he and a friend of his used to work for the company.

    Anyways, I feel spaced out, and honestly don't like talking about my problem too much, so I'm gonna try and keep this stupid short.

    I was sheltered in an isolated rural place growing up, with a turbulent household. I first learned of pornography on the internet and started masturbating when I was 14, after I got curious about where some video game came from. I'd been masturbating and watching porn shamelessly from then throughout my time in college.

    I remember when I was in college, when I would meet a girl I liked, I would stop watching porn cold turkey because it felt like I was, "cheating", on her, and I wanted to devote all of my energy into trying to build a meaningful relationship with someone. No matter how awkward I was or how bad I was at flirting or getting a date or even just making simple conversation. Even though we would never end up dating. And then when I'd get rejected, I'd go back to porn. I didn't see the harm in it.

    Now fast forward to the present, where now I am 24 years old, and I don't stop watching porn and masturbating for ANYONE. Even when I meet an amazing woman, I almost can't even bother to think about her because I just assume that, like most people I've met in my life, she's just going to come and go, and I wouldn't be good enough for her anyways while living with my father because I don't meet the basic essentials to be considered a man while living the rat race lifestyle in a rural, conservative state, which is:

    Have a vehicle, have your own place, have a decent job, have nice clothes.

    It's hard, because I've been through three jobs over the last year trying to make things right, make people happy, and play by their rules, and the result is that I got fired three times. The first was for an honest mistake, the other two (which were temp positions) were for no given reason at all, with no warning. All three jobs only lasted for two months, thus further perpetuating my shitty work history that makes it impossible for me to get a job by just applying for it directly.

    Now I'm considering taking up cycling to give myself some freedom, regular exercise, and to prepare for becoming a vagabond if I can't take the isolation anymore, and I might be taking online classes for a degree or certificate in Computer Science.

    Just a year ago, I accepted that I am addicted to porn, and that, according to my values, it is at worst, evil, and at best, a waste of precious time.

    I don't want porn in my life. I think it promotes racism, it further perpetuates a pop culture of hedonism, materialism, and superficiality for which I have become very weary of, and I just don't see it being a part of my character.

    I don't think the kind of woman I want to be with would be okay with a guy who watches porn, and I feel the need to combat the pathology of our society, and I think that by watching porn, I am only subscribing to the pathology, and fulfilling the role that was given to me: An isolated, fat, miserable, physically and mentally ill loner with no close friends, no love life, no stable job, no money, no place of his own, no community standing, and no future.

    I think I might be what some would call, an, "incel." But I despise that term, and this may be the last time you hear me use it on here. I don't like how it's becoming a term commonly used in mainstream media and pop culture. It reeks of some new form of segregation or caste system, and it would only make my life, and the life of others who are struggling, that much more difficult.



    Okay so this wasn't stupid simple, but you get what I mean. My goals for now are to work a simple part-time job at a local store of I can get it, get CS training online if possible, invest in a bicycle so I can get around more independently and get in shape doing something that benefits me in a multitude of ways, and in Summer of 2020, either start freelancing, attend some sort of bootcamp, work for a summer camp, or go on a spiritual retreat, or hitchhike on a bike.

    I really want to be a nomad. Being isolated in the country wreaks havoc on my body and mind, and my father is probably as depressed or more depressed, and worse off, than I am. I need to be a part of a good community.

    So here I am.
     
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  2. Hello and welcome! :)

    We are glad to have you as a part of our community. Here are some quick links to get you started.

    Getting Started Guide | How to Use theNoFap Forums | Panic Button | Day Counter | Rebooting Resources | ForumRules | Glossary

    If you wish to keep a journal of your progress you can do so in the appropriate section found here

    You can also take part in one of the manychallenges available. It can be a tremendous help. Challenges

    Also, there are groups you can also join if you wish to do so. You can browse through them here. Groups

    There are plenty of wonderful, friendly and knowledgeable people here to help you along on your journey to a life free of PMO. I wish you nothing but the best!
     
    swordsman163 and Kellogsmove like this.
  3. Kellogsmove

    Kellogsmove Fapstronaut

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    Alright, thanks Tiger!
     
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  4. rooski42

    rooski42 Fapstronaut

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    welcome to the club homie. you got a lot of plans and a good head on your shoulders. i’m new here but my advice would be to just keep it simple. one day, one thing at a time. screwing up will be part of it and it doesn’t mean anything. just get back to it.

    i think the bike is a great idea. it will be good for your body and mind. i’m not a bike rider but i love taking long walks and listening to a good podcast. enjoy the fall weather.

    all simple things. and simple stuff often doesn’t feel like a challenge and thusly not really doing anything. but i think it’s the right path forward. a whole bunch of little changes has a big impact over time. plus our lives are full of ten thousand little tasks we need to get done. do that instead of PMO.

    be kind to yourself. you’re not alone. know that i and many others struggle with you. and we are all rooting for you.
     
    Kellogsmove likes this.
  5. keepitinmybriefs

    keepitinmybriefs Fapstronaut

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    Welcome! That's quite a story you have there! Definitely don't be hard on yourself - there are a lot of people our age out there who still live at home simply because they can't afford to live alone. The economy in the US is just fucked for anyone who isn't already rich. For now, you just gotta keep trying and keep trucking along.
     
    Kellogsmove likes this.
  6. Kellogsmove

    Kellogsmove Fapstronaut

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    Cool, cool. Thank you.
     

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