25 day status update

Masturbated today. Those snapchat porn accounts really do try to sell you on their content. Luckily there's a block feature and I blocked them. But over the last 3 days those started to drift into my life and its led to a resurgence of bad old habits manifesting in new ways.

Intent doesn't matter without action. I may not have intended to beat off at the beginning, but the actions shown throughout the day were of heavy temptation. Whilst I managed to fight off the more intense longing for an older more disgusting form of porn, and I managed to fight the cravings for porn whilst viewing it, the more I exposed myself to porn the harder it was to not masturbate. Even if they're not nude it counts. No matter what.

In order to progress, I have to oust the snap porn from my life. That means no searches, no sitting there looking at snap models, because at the end of the day it makes me lust after some hot girl on a screen, clothed or not. Lust is aight, as long as it's in person. I don't want to castrate my sex drive. But looking at porn isn't a sex drive. It's artificial, and I want to be free of this addiction. 20 days went fairly well, I've improved my anger issues, and my resolve and work ethic has been higher and more pure. I was no longer motivated by fear and shame. Yet now I know that the influences I had subjected myself to will not work.

I'm sort of sad in a way, not because I failed, that is inevitable. This is a setback, not a failure. There's still a long road to recovery, I'm in week 3 of the second to last 8 week plan. But I'm sad because I realized that I feel as if I've found the "best" or "most natural" porn right before I am going to leave it behind. Part of me believes that it wouldn't have developed into an issue if it were left at this stage from the getgo, but I know in my heart that that isn't true. It's pure yet impure at the same time, just some broke girl out there on snap tryna make money. Not some lustful conglomerate seeking to get someone addicted. But alas, I don't want to be a sheep more than I want to keep snapstars I probably won't ever hit up in my life. Even if I am wealthy or fit or whichever goal I fully realize first I know that right now having that in my life will be detrimental. It's distracting and creates a dependency, like a dependent nation, a satellite. I'd rather be a star of the show than the satellite. So I bid you goodbye for now.

That lovenote to pornstars was more emotional than I foresaw. One of the justifying reasons I had ingrained into me whilst relapsing was that commercials and such use it to advertise, there is no way to remove myself completely from sexual content. And that's true, to an extent. Commercials will advertise using flirtation, and not with masturbating chicks. They might show their ass but not in the sexual way I was viewing. I can have that in real life, I'm just so fucked up off not watching porn that I'm scared to have sex in real life because I cum really quickly now, and I feel slight shame when thinking of sexual gratification. I need to move past that, I know life is much more than sex, money, and power. But I've been obsessed for years, and going up a mountain takes time. As much as I'd like it to be overnight.

So I need to resolve my sexual gratification issues I can see. I believe that going completely clean of porn and masturbation for at least 30 days will be enough to create a fundamental routine. It won't get easy afterwards, but I'll embrace the struggle. And I also need to have sex with my girlfriend to get my confidence back. I need to prove to myself that I haven't become weak, that this is a weird phase of my life, and it will pass. It will pass like the sissy porn phase, like the interracial porn phase, and like the porn video phase. It will pass like this still image snap model phase. My goal for the end of this 8 week phase is to forgo using porn, and to curb masturbation. So far I've beat off 3 times in 3 weeks. I know it doesn't happen straight away, it takes a long time to truly cast out the tremors of desire. I will not fall back into old habits though. Just because moving is over doesn't mean I can let up and get sloppy, I want to stay in motion.

I am overthinking, thinking of ways to prevent this. The worry of school exacerbates the problem, but isn't an excuse. Life will always be dynamic and changing, and I'm learning to roll with the punches. I'm kind of sad about losing my childhood house tbh. All that work, all that urgency, just to see it go. Now that I'm half set up here and it's finally going, it's finally happening, outwardly I might seem like I have it together, yet I'm upset about losing that house. I'm getting better at managing my life, but I'm still human.

I believe that I will go on from today and have a couple of days where I keep myself really busy with the house and calculus, isolating myself from my phone, and going to the gym. This is going to be rather difficult, but you can fight off the temptation. The habit is new. It won't be easy. But I know I can do it. You fought it off earlier. It was a lot in one day, so I still feel pride of my 20 day streak. This isn't over. I'm coming back at cha

 

Amen brother. Glad I can see it now.

 

Been going good since. My girlfriend came over and we did stuff, after two days going strong without porn and masturbation. Realized I needed an initial effort to turn things around, and afterwards the momentum would come. Not that I could just count on momentum to help me turn things around. Been avoiding any triggers, of a) the same ones that I've been avoiding for 20+ weeks that cause me to relapse into fucked up porn b) Anything that causes me to relapse on the softer porn. Been going good, so far. I'm going to keep praying everyday to keep making progress.

Today is an off day, and in the past I would lay around and beat it then loathe myself. Not today. Today I found shit I can do around the house, and it has been pretty nice to finally get stuff done tbh. A lot of my struggles were more mental than physical, and I see that now. I pray that everything keeps going according to plan.

 

I just realized 730 people have looked at this. I thought it was just the 2-3 who've replied. If anyone is reading this, thanks for checking up on me. I've grown a lot since I pledged to do this, my porn addiction is the reason my mom is dead. Fried my brain to the point I couldn't think, died in a crash. Since then I've made it my goal to give it up. You are all appreciated.

 

Another day another dollar. Held firm today, even though I got screamed at for doing nothing. Haven't thought about relapsing, just came here as a place to unload. I never realized how much of a burden it is to take care of some people. They drain you and blame you for their problems. Is this normal, or is it something that just I feel?

 

Update: Went strong today. No relapse, no porn, no orgasm. No masturbation even. Glad that this is starting to feel as if it is the new normal. Didn't feel anger towards anything that wasn't clearly warranted, and I'd say I'm in a weird spot where I've consistently done nofap and porn avoidance for long enough that it has gotten easier, yet I've yet to do it long enough that my life has fundamentally changed in the long term because of it. I still feel as if there's a lot of room for growth, and am going to get up everyday swinging.

 

Not giving up, just not dwelling on it. I don't think I'll fail in the end, no that was the wrong way to say it. I was saying I see it as a setback rather than a failure.

 

Today's been harder, but I keep going on because I know that one moment of temptation won't be worth a setback, even a minor one. I'm soldiering on today, and I know that if I stay strong I'll get through it.

 

Decent morning. A lot of temptation. Alone for the first time in awhile. Had nightmares all night, but got up and dealt with it. Now I have a day that I've packed to the brim, and working is helping me shake off the temptation and brain fog. I knew the tremors would come, so I'm not getting flustered about it like I did in the past. I just need to stay strong, and pray for willpower, and I can get through this. It worked in the past, and I know it can work for me right now. Going for 90 days is the goal!

 

Hard day but good day. Finally got a job. Temptations were very strong in the morning but once I got going I was good. Before I became addicted to porn, I had really bad anger issues that subsided to the point I couldn't feel them too much, but I began to feel them again today. But the weird thing is I just dealt with them like that. I found the root cause, did what I could to fix them, and was honest with myself. Good shit.

On top of that I feel as if I have emotional vigor coming back. I was flatlining in my drive to workout, even declining, and facing a lack of motivation amid "more important" things. But I'm getting my drive back and that's what is important. I have a run and weightlifting session planned for tomorrow morning. My life will be as serious as I take it. And it will be as relaxed as I take it. But I know I can take it more seriously, and I want to reap the benefits and do it. I just have to keep standing on my own two feet to do it.

 

Definitely going to be a good day. I got up and got my run in, now I'm about to go scan documents at my new job. Good thing is that I felt temptation this morning, but didn't even attempt to masturbate or find porn. Those porn blockers came in handy last night I was streaming a show and there were weird ads that I clicked on and they blocked. Soon I hope I won't even have a desire to click the ads, comedic or not.

Seems as if when I do the things I really want to, any desire disappears. I pray for willpower, and that I will get through this day. I know I can. LETS DO THIS SHIT!!!

 

Nofap really does give superpowers. Just admitted that I can do wrong without extreme anger, shame, humiliation, or anything of the sort. Solved the problem and moved on. Proud of that. That is all.

 

Another day, strong as fuck. The ED from avoiding any sort of sexual activity finally wore off. It didn't even occur to me to have sex, until the act was already in motion. Better performance, mindset, and all that. I didn't believe in when I started, but nofap is like flipping a switch. There's so much in life that you can't see when you're in a dark place.

 

First day or work. Like I had imagined, it makes avoiding porn and masturbation even easier. I went out and was in public with a constant stream of things to do. Becoming increasingly interested in health and taking care of myself again. Now that the shitstorm is dying down.

I wanted to ask if anyone reading this has experienced the same phenomenon: The further I grow from porn it's like I walked through a time machine. I kept all my maturity and everything, but it's like I was 12 years old again. Out of nowhere I've been interested in zoology and old retro videogames and shit, something I was interested in right before I got addicted. It's almost like I'm picking up where I left off... Anyone else experience this?