25 day status update

Discussion in 'Porn Addiction' started by warrior2k20, Dec 18, 2020.

  1. warrior2k20

    warrior2k20 Fapstronaut

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    Made a new committment to Jesus on Sunday. Gone strong since. First major trial today. In crunch time on homework. We will see how this goes. I hope for the best, but expect the worst. I pray to god everything will go alright. Done well on asserting myself recently. Also done well at not being selfish (imo). If I pray, I will be okay.

    Porn tends to sneak up on me on days like today. I'll be self-aware, and try to root out the temptation at the very idea, instead of trying to stop a rolling boulder. We will see how today goes.
     
    Candun likes this.
  2. warrior2k20

    warrior2k20 Fapstronaut

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    Surprised myself. No relapse. All my work got done. 12 straight hours of calculus, no diverging, no interrupting. I am starting to see through some of the more shallow dreams in the past to who I really am. I don't fall on either end with being incredibly athletic or academic, I ride in the middle but I try to better myself every single day. And I will continue to do so. This does not need to be a very long post, yet I'm celebrating the small victory that is getting my work done and avoiding the temptation that is porn and masturbation.
     
    Candun likes this.
  3. warrior2k20

    warrior2k20 Fapstronaut

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    A little bigger of a celebration, I’m managing to get over my relapse so far and have been completely free of non-real-life sexual content for 3 days. My sex quality has been better recently. I have been eating more food than before to cope with my increased workload and not leaning on porn and masturbation. This has been going on for a couple months, and trying to cast out both at once is rather difficult.

    I am really proud of myself. I feel a new streak coming, I hope I don’t jinx it. I’ve been living in the real world for the past couple days, instead of in porn and in my phone. I’m beginning to know myself and that’s the most successful part of the whole journey. Before I viewed this as a box to check, now I see it as a mountain to climb. I’ve gone through the foothills, and have gotten to roughly 180 days since I first started NoFap. And it has changed me profoundly.

    Hopefully this next phase of my life I can avoid relapses on both porn and masturbation. It just doesn’t feel the same as it used to either. It used to feel really good, now it feels lackluster in comparison to sex. Some of my relapses in the past were due to me remembering how immensely great it felt when I was addicted to porn and would watch it high as shit. I feel as if even though I’ve had relapses along these 180 days, they’ve become spaced out more and more and more. Yeah it gets tough sometimes, sometimes you stumble, sometimes you fall, but I have gotten back up amd am proud of how far I’ve come.

    I have another 10 hours of Calc to do. Hopefully I don’t use that and this post as an excuse to relapse. Sometimes I try to prove myself wrong, still don’t know why that is. If anyone knows, let me know. It’s time I move on. Peace
     
    Candun likes this.
  4. warrior2k20

    warrior2k20 Fapstronaut

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    I've been really busy at school. I used to relapse multiple times a week, but now I am doing affirmations, and they are helping.
    I am able to keep avoiding porn.
    I am able to to keep avoiding masturbation.
    I am able to avoid the shame which causes these.
    I am able to avoid the fear which causes these.
    I am able to avoid the guilt which causes these.
    I am a new man, a man who doesn't need porn or masturbation.
    I am a new man, a man who lives porn free.
     
    Candun likes this.
  5. warrior2k20

    warrior2k20 Fapstronaut

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    Very stressful situation.

    Been feeling depressed and aimless recently. Today is mother's day, and my mom's birthday in two days. This is the first time she's been dead for them. I don't know why, but right now I am very hateful. For some reason I hate all women, everyone I see on the street who doesn't make conversation, and especially my girlfriend. I don't know what to do.

    I've relapsed a couple times recently. No matter how deep into a trance I go, sissy porn and shit like that that I used to be addicted to disgusts me. I also refuse to watch anything that attempts to make me feel shame. It is something I refuse to even entertain, so there's a plus. I need to stop relapsing, even if it is much better than before. At the end of the post, I will type some affirmations and read them aloud.

    I really don't want to do anything recently. I just sit and watch Family Guy compilations on YouTube, interspersed with 4-5 hour sessions where I'm hell-bent on running 10 miles at a 7:30/mile pace or admitting myself to college. I don't know if it is because I miss planting flowers with my mom. If I'm resentful that I can't hear her voice telling me to do laundry. Or maybe I'm just pissed that she isn't seeing me buy my own apartment. Maybe I'm pissed that my dad can't cosign. Maybe I'm pissed that I have a very different personality from my girlfriend. One thing I do know, is that I'm pissed. Even porn doesn't satiate it.

    I think I relapse thinking it will bring me the sense of peace that it used to. But it doesn't make me feel at peace. The only reason it has before, is because I was at peace. The porn does not make me feel at peace. It never has. I just thought it did, and the power of the mind is not a joke.

    I also feel like my core values are shifting. I have begun to see more value in intellect. I also have begun to see that I can't be everything. I can't please everyone. I can't keep cool all the time. I feel like I am discovering who I am. I don't think that means distancing myself from lifting weights. But I do think it does include completely new ways of interacting with people and things. Who knows, maybe I'm some pissed off punk who needs an outlet for his aggression so he stops eating his pain away and yelling at shit. Or maybe, I can use that anger and rage that I always felt BEFORE I fell nose deep into the coping mechanism of porn to push porn away, violently.

    I don't feel pleasure from porn.
    I feel pleasure from getting my emotions out.
    I feel pleasure from lifting.
    I feel pleasure from running.
    Porn is something you do when you want an excuse to hate yourself.
    Porn does not make you hate yourself.
    Porn does nothing but convince you to waste your time.
    Porn is not addictive, it is two monkeys fucking.
    I am rewiring my brain.
    I am acquiring another streak.
    I am kicking porn to the curb.

    I'd also like to mention, I have felt excited about a lot of things recently, I just feel like I'm at a low point. I don't want to see anyone, and I don't feel as if that is a reason to feel bad. I need my time. I'm in the process of going through college admissions and finishing out my intensive quarter at Metro. I don't give a shit if anyone knows, my name is Eli. I don't have anything to fear, as the shit that affects me is affecting 99% of the people on this site. If I'm famous one day for whatever reason, it's out. Humiliating porn doesn't affect me much anymore. now I have to work on not hating my girlfriend before I decisively kick porn again.

    I don't know where it came from. But every little thing she says seems like an attack. Whenever I talk to her about it, she denies it. Then later after I'm stern, she admits it. I guess what I'm trying to say is that she smothers me and annoys me. I just want to be alone ig. Watch documentaries or YouTube. But I can't do that all day. But I want to right now. I want to hide away and wait for my mom to come back. Alas, I have to do school. But I can make that my own little hideaway. I really kind of enjoy this chapter of Calculus. I can't wait to get started on it once my thoughts are out.

    I also get annoyed by hypocrisy in things she says about her mother. She looks at me like I killed someone if I challenge the way she thinks of herself. She seems to think that she doesn't do anything remotely close to brushing off how others feel. And overestimates her ability to empathize. This isn't what this forum is for, but I need to get it out.

    I also feel as if I've celebrated too soon. It's as if I've just won a huge battle and now I'm exposed when an army much larger and stronger is looming over the horizon. I'm tired of the monotonous struggle. How's that song go? "Even when I'm just surviving, keep climbing, keep climbing, the mountain!!!!" BABADADADADABUHBUH BABADADADADABUHBUH
    I want to get out of this mental block, I am thinking about it. I was going to say I don't know how, but that is a lie. It's like my mind is moving at 100mph, but I'm not going anywhere. I'm worried about being unsatisfied. I literally have 15 days left of school and counting, but I feel as if I have senioritis already. I'm a freaking college freshman lol. I can't accomodate everything, so I feel as if I need to plan my days better and avoid bad transition time.

    I don't know why I don't just do my homework at lunch at work. No one would judge me. No one sits by me anyways. That's not a cry for attention either. I'm bullish whenever I sit down, I throw my shit all over the table I'm sitting at, manspread, and eat my burrito bowl really sloppily. God, who the fuck reads this? Who actually cares this much about the little details of my life? Lmao, if you've made it this far, I appreciate you brother.

    I don't think my situation is that dire. The walls felt as if they were closing in on me. I know I signed myself up for some crazy shit next semester by attempting to dual major. I need summer break. Moving was a huge stress. The death was too. Applying to college with no one's help. Constantly fixing others' cars. Switching jobs. Applying for an apartment. Porn's draw going up and down and up and down. Mia's emotions too. School workloads increasing more day by day. And I still have a long ass list. I have, for some reason, really been dreading working on the firebird. I reached gridlock last time, and it was really demoralizing.

    I don't know how I can say one thing and do another thing entirely different. I don't know why I care so much about others' tones of voice while talking. But I do. I don't have to feel uncomfortable because someone else is in the room. I don't have to take off and relapse because I feel bad. Because it doesn't make me feel any better. As much as I'd like it to not be, porn is made by a bunch of women I will not touch when consuming it. I'd rather be with a real woman, but I keep pushing her away. Maybe because the one who loved me more than anything is dead. Maybe I'm so upset about that that I want to run away.

    I've come to a conclusion. I've been pushing everyone away because I miss my mom. I don't want to do my schoolwork and chores because I feel like the responsibilities never end. I always do my damn best on everything I do. And I know that my best is always an A. I don't slip up, and this is very hard to maintain when I have split focus. I don't have to give it up right now. This can be the world I run away into. I don't need to be extra social and extroverted this week. I don't need to take any new responsibilities upon myself. I don't need to do more than the bare minimum right now. I can take some time away from everyone for me, it is perfectly okay to do so. This will help a lot.

    I'm not quite ready to go. I feel comfortable now, getting my thoughts out in an unstructured manner where I don't feel as if I'm walking on eggshells really helps. I don't always have to read really deeply into others to constantly make their lives better. That makes me hate them. Maybe that's why I'm being more mean outwardly. So people don't get the wrong idea. What I can say is that it is working. No need to panic. This is what you need. Sometimes, it ain't pretty. Sometimes it leads to fights. But that is alright. You're going to be more than alright. You're going to be great.

    Look how far you've come in the most stressful situation of your life. You've set yourself up for success. You feel no need to be guilted by Mia's trap questions. "Would you feel less alone if I sat with you?" I am introverted in situations like this, and I feel no guilt in it. We worked on shame, now we work on guilt. No need for it. You have gotten 85% of what you need done in college admissions, now you have to finish! You have even made a track training plan!! Doing it isn't easy, but it's the easy part.

    This phase will pass. It might even be gone tomorrow. Struggles are constant in life, change is constant. My attitude changes for the better when I can get emotions out. There is no need to be afraid. No need to avoid conflict. You can feel grounded in yourself. Protected by god. True in your emotions. And free to do as you please. Every decision you make is entirely made by you. Don't have others make them for you. Regardless of how it makes them feel. That applies to more people than just Dad. It applies to Mia, grandmas, Dan, Max, Tony, Stone, Nathan. There is nothing that will knock you off. So get out there and do some Calc!
     
    HolyTheotokos likes this.
  6. Shin Iu

    Shin Iu Fapstronaut

    Sounds like a snart plan. Don't give up!
     
  7. warrior2k20

    warrior2k20 Fapstronaut

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    I feel as if I've overcome the curse, the tremors. I hope it was just because it was around my mom's birthday that I kept relapsing. I am doing good, I have just forgotten to practice self-discipline. It's important for me to practice self-discipline when I do not have a porn-blocking software in place.

    Now I will do my homework, and attempt to get ahead.
     
    HolyTheotokos likes this.
  8. warrior2k20

    warrior2k20 Fapstronaut

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    Yet another tough day, indeed. I pray that I keep the self-discipline I have worked so hard at building. I ran my 5k, 18:52, barely qualifies for the team. But still qualifies. I am going to keep training, and my schedule is starting to lighten up. Dad is going crazy on the chores. I'm apparently supposed to figure everything out. Pisses me off a little because I feel like he puts the pressure on me to figure it out, set it up, and do it, then takes the credit. Fuck that guy. Never can satisfy him. Never will. Should be moved out this summer, so his yoke of self-disappointment and hate is soon to be over.
    I have been feeling more self-worth lately. I've also learned that there are limits to how much you can take on at once. I wonder if I will be less hateful, of myself and others, when I move out. I wonder if this hate and weakness is a product of my environment or whether it comes from within.
    Slept for a long ass time yesterday. I was exhausted because I had the race, gf's graduation, and dinners+ had to drive about 60 miles to do all of it. It doesn't sound like a lot, but the fatigue from the covid vaccine, race, and lifting 2 days prior had me tired af. I've been keeping myself busy lately and that has really helped me to focus on improving my ability to not desire porn or masturbation.
    We are past the point of most resistance. My girlfriend has moved in, so the need for porn is decreasing day by day. The desire is too. It feels unreal, like sex used to when I was addicted to porn. Running out of things to say, wish me luck on my 8 hours of Calculus!
     
    HolyTheotokos likes this.
  9. warrior2k20

    warrior2k20 Fapstronaut

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    Decent day. Completed my calculus on time for once. Did so without relapsing on masturbation, shook off all the porn viewing when it came on. I am proud of the progress I've made. Without a stimulus staring me in the face, I will do much better at avoiding porn.
     
    HolyTheotokos likes this.
  10. warrior2k20

    warrior2k20 Fapstronaut

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    This time is different. This time I actually fought off the temptation, the shame, the guilt, the fear. I am worth a lot. Not just to myself, but to others too. I am not worth less or worthless for telling people no. I am not here for someone else's use. I am here for me, and to help others along the way. I love myself and will not let pornography drag me down!
     
    HolyTheotokos likes this.
  11. warrior2k20

    warrior2k20 Fapstronaut

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    I am riding high right now. I refuse to look at pornography no matter how swamped I am with assignments I am at the end of the quarter. I refuse to procrastinate any longer. I refuse to overeat to hide my stress. I refuse to compromise my goals for the sake of fear. I do not fear porn and I do not fear failure. I will attack tonight with everything I have.
     
    HolyTheotokos likes this.
  12. HolyTheotokos

    HolyTheotokos Fapstronaut

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    Praying for you
     
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  13. warrior2k20

    warrior2k20 Fapstronaut

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    Thank you brother.
     
  14. warrior2k20

    warrior2k20 Fapstronaut

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    Feeling like myself again. Back in 8th grade, before the porn addiction. Went on to alternatehistory.com, and read. In fact, I've been reading in free time I get, instead of draining my balls. Riding high. Praying for the people who aren't.
     
  15. warrior2k20

    warrior2k20 Fapstronaut

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    I am still doing well. i belittle the urges I do get once in awhile. They don’t feel real anymore. I have shifted the “dopamine addiction” from porn to food, however, I just stocked up on healthier food so we’ll see how it goes. My girlfriend just moved in and that’s been a trip. She makes it so I don’t need or want to watch porn, even when she tries to guilt me.
    On another note, I have realized something. It takes time to build reseliency i
     
  16. warrior2k20

    warrior2k20 Fapstronaut

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    In PMO, and then again to build it outside of it. It makes you feel ashamed, because it’s like your self-discipline evaporates outside of PMO. But in reality, it’s building self-discipline with a crutch, and when you stop standing on the crutch you fall over. This cycle of shame and failure roped me back in to PMO countless times, but not this one. I know from experience how to conquer it.
    My Self-worth has been higher. It isn’t based on how much work I do or what I see in the mirror. And other people’s should not be either. I have slowly become more at peace with myself and in turn the world, and have no intentions of going back.
    I’m moving again this summer. I think that’s why I never really settled down. But in moving, I will take these new good habits with me :). I achieved the impossible little by little, and am continuing to claw away at my ultimate goal. To be free and actually living a life. Not depressed in my room or my garage, but going out and doing things—past-time or productive— to make my life have meaning. Over the past year, I have learned that I can do things on my own. But even the moral support of a partner makes going through the mud an adventure rather than a punishment. My depression is letting up because this addiction is letting up. This has been life-changing :).
     
  17. warrior2k20

    warrior2k20 Fapstronaut

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    Masturbated. Not to porn. Porn still disgusts me. Not ideal :/. Woke up tired today and feel bad about being tired. But that doesn’t make me worth less. I dont like faking things, so I will be honest with myself. Not getting work done makes me devalue myself. It is because that is where my gratification comes from somedays. Even when the thoughts and tremors creep in, they are much less powerful than they used to be. But I know my enemy much better, and it is an ongoing fighti will try to sleep now, and will wake up refreshed. Resting does not makw me weak.
     
  18. warrior2k20

    warrior2k20 Fapstronaut

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    Things have been better recently. I have moved out, and the challenges of organizing everything independently on top of the personal workload I have given myself have been worthy ones. However, they have been fulfilling, and I learned a good deal about life itself. I have not watched porn in over two weeks, nor have I masturbated in that time. I haven't even thought to either. I was doing good before, but now? I am doing phenomenal.

    Been feeling like I am actually accomplishing something recently. Before I had this haunting feeling that I was running in circles, not going anywhere. But these past couple weeks have been great for me. They belong to me, not my father or my former addiction. My girlfriend and I's relationship has improved drastically. No longer must we conform to ridiculous emotional rules made up on the fly, or spend our free time working for someone else for free. Now we actually get to decide our fate, and it feels great.

    I have been getting my messy, chaotic accounts with places figured out recently. In the past it was something I really did not want to do, as the state it was in was truly neglected. Yet now I feel in control of my financial accounts, and in control of my career. I feel as if I have a good idea of what bills I do have and what needs to be done. The workload no longer feels endless, as there is a definitive beginning and definitive end to it. I do not want to distract myself any longer, but I just wanted to let you all know that I am doing well for myself.
     
    Abel100% and HolyTheotokos like this.
  19. Abel100%

    Abel100% Fapstronaut

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    Éxitos eso se llama control de tu vida...Lo vas logrando x que así Tú fe lo hace día tras día
     

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