25 days, relapse and what I've learned

Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by keepitreal-88, Aug 28, 2015.

  1. keepitreal-88

    keepitreal-88 Fapstronaut

    Hey guys thought I'd finally join the community, sign up and share my experience so far. I hope this is posted in the right place and can give you some insight. I stumbled onto your brain on porn video and realised immediately how much sense that video made and how much I used PMO to hide away from the world and keep me safe. So that day, August 2nd I thought I'd give it a try, stopped watching porn and didn't MO for a week after because without porn I didn't really feel like it. I did MO once about 10 days in and since then have been PMO free (2 weeks) until last night.

    I couldn't resist the temptation, 25 days without porn was my longest streak in over 10 years and I was really curious how I'd react to seeing some again. Well, I didn't even need to get the video started, instant boner just from searching for a video I wanted, heart was racing, boner raging, right then I decided "fuck it, I'm having a wank" and all other concerns went out the window. I was searching for some nasty stuff, I've never really got into the more weird porn but my desperation for a release had me searching for the more extreme stuff I'd been viewing lately. Anyway, loaded up about 10 videos to click through in my usual style, didn't even watch more than 10 seconds of the first one before I shot my load and slept better than I had done in weeks.

    Next day (today actually) I woke up refreshed and thinking I NEED MORE! Despite knowing I shouldn't I thought "get it all out" so I did, no apologies.

    It always feels shit afterwards though.

    What I've learned from relapsing:

    1. No matter how exciting it is getting worked up and building up to orgasm, it always feels shit after, a feeling of emptiness and boredom.
    2. Avoid porn all together or I can't help myself
    3. I use PMO as a sleeping aid
    4. Without even realising it I have some fucked porn fetishes I didn't acknowledge until I was typing them in last night, it must've seemed like a normal progression before
    5. I really am hooked and nothing has gotten me as excited in a long long time as committing to watching those pornos last night. This really is fucked up, how can I let that be the most exciting thing in my life?

    What happened from over 3 weeks no porn and 2 weeks no PMO:

    1. I had more energy, more motivated
    2. Wanted to go out and do something instead of sitting in doing nothing on my days off
    3. Looking people in the eye longer without realising I was doing it (I'm normally very conscious of it when trying to maintain eye contact)
    4. Random semis when talking to sexy ladies, (down boy, down boy! I'm at work)
    5. Definitely noticed more attention from the ladies
    6. Work performance improved
    7. Less anxiety, more assertive. Still cared way to much what others think of me but it was definitely less
    8. Didn't get knocked off course as easily when in conversation and was easier to connect with people
    9. Went through stages of being ultra confident to being depressed, guess this is part of the withdrawal
    10. Became more aware of my self and why I am the way I am and do the things I do. Eg shy and don't take action because I care too much what others would think. Also realised that when I think about myself having done cool stuff I imagine other people talking about me and how amazing I am, this shows how much I seek validation from others and I didn't even know it. I'm good at hiding my anxiety and neediness from others and obviously from myself too. This was a huge realisation... surely I should be doing stuff because of how its going to make me feel not because others will be impressed.

    To summarise, theres no doubt that PMO has a huge grip on my life and is affecting me in ways I had no idea about. I've noticed real benefits without it and want to get a real desire for life back. I've always wondered why I was so unmotivated, how despite all my potential I never pushed myself, I can see that PMO was a huge part of that. It seems I'm gonna have to give up porn forever and probably wanking too, my hoard of videos and pictures are deleted never to return, sad face but its for the best. So heres my commitment. 90 days no PMO, live in the real world, live for me.

    Sorry for the long post but wanted to share and had a lot to say (thats unusual for me). Hope this helped some people who have been wondering if they should try nofap. Don't try it, do it.
    Bluffy, Darth Windu, mv8652 and 5 others like this.
  2. besttrueblood

    besttrueblood Fapstronaut

    Thanks for sharing your story. I'm on day 5 and i'm going for atleast a month. i've never held for more than 6 days since i first hit puberty. Doing 1 week of nofap would be my first achivment and 1 month of even more of a warrior. I want to see if i can hold nofap even after my birthday which is in 27 sep.
    PS: I also have many fetiches because thats the result of years of fapping. the brain want more and more extreme with time of fapping but the fetishes will be forgoten with time of nofap because we will realize how weird that fetish was.
    mv8652 likes this.
  3. keepitreal-88

    keepitreal-88 Fapstronaut

    Hope you made a week dude, I had never gone longer than 5 days since discovering fapping 15 years ago. I didn't even realise how different I was feeling from NoFap and much progress I'd made until I noticed how bored and unmotivated I was after relapsing.
  4. John Peel

    John Peel New Fapstronaut

    thanks for your thread! It's motivating to hear the rewards you have reached after a so long period without PMO. That's what I'm pursuing with all my forces!
  5. keepitreal-88

    keepitreal-88 Fapstronaut

    It's nice to hear that my posts help and are encouraging. Something else I noticed after relapsing was that I didn't feel awful immediately after the first time, though it did feel bad I still had energy and motivation, but slipping once made it ok in my mind to do it again and again and I ended up binging for 2 days. That is what really destroyed by motivation, it was like each time I was jizzing I was also shooting out my drive and determination to do something in my life and take action. PMO really is an excuse to hide away from the world.
  6. whtsnext

    whtsnext Fapstronaut

    Awesome brother..i just joined.
  7. nomo

    nomo Fapstronaut

    All of what you say is true and it could have been my story. Here's the one that sticks the most - "Avoid porn all together or I can't help myself."
    After tying my record of 16-days without porn, I decided to reward myself with a PMO session. This turned into a three day binge and I'm back to starting over.
    All I can say is avoid the porn and our lives should change for the best.
    Thanks for posting.
    MauriceJackson likes this.
  8. mv8652

    mv8652 Fapstronaut

    Guys: For the beginner on no-PMO, relapsing is almost inevitable. If you learn from it, it's a part of the process. No athlete becomes a champion from day one; but the longer he plays, the better he gets. When you slip up and relapse, just say, "Game on for my next longer streak!" Even if you're back to zero in days, you don't lose all of your progress from one release. However, if you give in to the "chaser effect" and go on a binge, you do. That's like slashing your three good tires because you got one flat. Nomo, never "reward" yourself with the thing that you're trying to quit. I doesn't work that way. Keepitreal-88, I think you've learned your lesson. Thanks for teaching others in the process. Besttrueblood, your're in record territory now. Even at eight days, you have the right to be proud. Whtsnext, I can see from your other posts that you have your head on straight. I wish all of you the very best of success in your reboots. It can be hard in the early weeks, but take it one day at a time. One of these days, you will have found enough to love about your life off PMO that you'll start living your reboot. That's when it becomes a lot easier.
    Last edited: Sep 2, 2015
    Darth Windu likes this.
  9. Hands_off

    Hands_off Fapstronaut

    It's really good to hear that you've earned the ability to see a glimpse of what a life without PMO can do man. I suggest you write down the nitty gritty of it all and hang it up somewhere you can see everyday and use it as a daily reminder and motivation to keep on keeping on! Because I find that YOU ARE someone who possesses so much unawakened potential of which is being masked by this addiction.

    I wish you all the best man!
  10. Bluffy

    Bluffy Fapstronaut

    yeah eye contact is definently a benefit. I always felt so awkward looking people in the eyes when I was pmo'ing. but after about 8 days or so.. I noticed it was soooo much easier.

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