25 days, relapse and what I've learned

Hey guys thought I'd finally join the community, sign up and share my experience so far. I hope this is posted in the right place and can give you some insight. I stumbled onto your brain on porn video and realised immediately how much sense that video made and how much I used PMO to hide away from the world and keep me safe. So that day, August 2nd I thought I'd give it a try, stopped watching porn and didn't MO for a week after because without porn I didn't really feel like it. I did MO once about 10 days in and since then have been PMO free (2 weeks) until last night.

I couldn't resist the temptation, 25 days without porn was my longest streak in over 10 years and I was really curious how I'd react to seeing some again. Well, I didn't even need to get the video started, instant boner just from searching for a video I wanted, heart was racing, boner raging, right then I decided "fuck it, I'm having a wank" and all other concerns went out the window. I was searching for some nasty stuff, I've never really got into the more weird porn but my desperation for a release had me searching for the more extreme stuff I'd been viewing lately. Anyway, loaded up about 10 videos to click through in my usual style, didn't even watch more than 10 seconds of the first one before I shot my load and slept better than I had done in weeks.

Next day (today actually) I woke up refreshed and thinking I NEED MORE! Despite knowing I shouldn't I thought "get it all out" so I did, no apologies.

It always feels shit afterwards though.

What I've learned from relapsing:

1. No matter how exciting it is getting worked up and building up to orgasm, it always feels shit after, a feeling of emptiness and boredom.
2. Avoid porn all together or I can't help myself
3. I use PMO as a sleeping aid
4. Without even realising it I have some fucked porn fetishes I didn't acknowledge until I was typing them in last night, it must've seemed like a normal progression before
5. I really am hooked and nothing has gotten me as excited in a long long time as committing to watching those pornos last night. This really is fucked up, how can I let that be the most exciting thing in my life?

What happened from over 3 weeks no porn and 2 weeks no PMO:

1. I had more energy, more motivated
2. Wanted to go out and do something instead of sitting in doing nothing on my days off
3. Looking people in the eye longer without realising I was doing it (I'm normally very conscious of it when trying to maintain eye contact)
4. Random semis when talking to sexy ladies, (down boy, down boy! I'm at work)
5. Definitely noticed more attention from the ladies
6. Work performance improved
7. Less anxiety, more assertive. Still cared way to much what others think of me but it was definitely less
8. Didn't get knocked off course as easily when in conversation and was easier to connect with people
9. Went through stages of being ultra confident to being depressed, guess this is part of the withdrawal
10. Became more aware of my self and why I am the way I am and do the things I do. Eg shy and don't take action because I care too much what others would think. Also realised that when I think about myself having done cool stuff I imagine other people talking about me and how amazing I am, this shows how much I seek validation from others and I didn't even know it. I'm good at hiding my anxiety and neediness from others and obviously from myself too. This was a huge realisation... surely I should be doing stuff because of how its going to make me feel not because others will be impressed.

To summarise, theres no doubt that PMO has a huge grip on my life and is affecting me in ways I had no idea about. I've noticed real benefits without it and want to get a real desire for life back. I've always wondered why I was so unmotivated, how despite all my potential I never pushed myself, I can see that PMO was a huge part of that. It seems I'm gonna have to give up porn forever and probably wanking too, my hoard of videos and pictures are deleted never to return, sad face but its for the best. So heres my commitment. 90 days no PMO, live in the real world, live for me.

Sorry for the long post but wanted to share and had a lot to say (thats unusual for me). Hope this helped some people who have been wondering if they should try nofap. Don't try it, do it.

 

Hope you made a week dude, I had never gone longer than 5 days since discovering fapping 15 years ago. I didn't even realise how different I was feeling from NoFap and much progress I'd made until I noticed how bored and unmotivated I was after relapsing.

 

It's nice to hear that my posts help and are encouraging. Something else I noticed after relapsing was that I didn't feel awful immediately after the first time, though it did feel bad I still had energy and motivation, but slipping once made it ok in my mind to do it again and again and I ended up binging for 2 days. That is what really destroyed by motivation, it was like each time I was jizzing I was also shooting out my drive and determination to do something in my life and take action. PMO really is an excuse to hide away from the world.