25yo, trying again, first time with a community

Discussion in 'New to NoFap' started by Yagitori, Jul 23, 2020.

  1. Yagitori

    Yagitori New Fapstronaut

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    Hey folks,

    I'm a 25yo male heading into university (undergrad, after a long hiatus), and planning to make dating a big focus for me there, with hopes of getting married to a hypothetical someone within my church community in the not too distant future. I've made some efforts at getting over my addiction in the last few years, but was easily discouraged. My new hope is that if I can't find the motivation to do it for myself, I can at least do it for my future wife, in the time I have left before potentially getting myself into a much messier situation than I'm in as a single person.

    I've used porn compulsively since I was around 10, mostly drawings and animations, not so much irl stuff, but from the beginning much of it has been very strange and particular fetish material, along with more normal stuff. Usage is typically once every 2-3 days, for a few hours at a time, a lot of the time with compulsive hoarding behavior in downloading and storing stuff I find. This "collection" tends to get deleted and rebuilt over and over as I retry making progress and then backslide. I've never really been sexually active, but had one encounter when I was 19 where PIE was pretty evident (maybe combined with performance anxiety), and so I fear that's something that would come up again in a marriage (no sex before marriage in my church).

    Being in college as a 18-20yo was very rough for my psychologically, since I was surrounded by lots of friends who were sexually active and into hookup culture (plenty of nights getting sexiled from the dorm room), which disgusted me on some level, but also gave me a toxic sort of partial jealousy (being the guy jerking off to feed his porn addiction while others are out having sex). Since then I've been in complicated life situations that have kept me plenty distracted from any kind of dating... or at least given me excuses to not make any effort. A religious conversion a couple years ago has added a new layer of anxiety to all this, because of lies I've found myself telling ecclesiastical leaders in order to remain in good standing... the addiction is no longer just an embarrassment, but something that's actually a risk to me, socially.

    I'm currently in day 5 of a "hard mode" streak. Aiming for a whole 90 days would be nice, but I'm not at all confident about that. Making it 3 weeks without masturbating to "porn flashbacks" in the shower would be new ground for me, so I suppose I'll aim for that as a start.
     
    Cathcart22 and Breakthrough23 like this.
  2. Hi Yagitori. Welcome to NoFap bro. Coming here is a good start and 4 days is no easy feat especially if you haven't done this in a while. I wish you all the best on your journey. You can beat this
     
    One Eyed Owl likes this.
  3. Welcome to the community and good luck on your journey.
     
    One Eyed Owl likes this.
  4. Cathcart22

    Cathcart22 Fapstronaut

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    Hey man, just want you to know you aren't alone in this. Good luck with the journey!
     
  5. Zarkh

    Zarkh Fapstronaut

    I wish you willpower!
     
    One Eyed Owl likes this.
  6. Welcome to NoFap!!!
     
    Zarkh likes this.

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