26M Break Up, Depression, Compulsive masturbation, PIED, NoFap, New Hope

Hi everybody, i am here to tell you my story. Around 2 years ago, i was in a long term relationship with a girl, we were together for almost 4 years. She was a virgin when i started to be with her. I was not a lot more experienced, but still had more experience than her. However we were living with her parents so sex was kept preety basic, without too much experimenting. During this time i had a porn habit, used to masturbate almost daily while watching porn. Never had ED while with her, apart from one or two times when i was not in the mood.

After some time we moved in a different appartament just the two of us. I still had my porn habit, and i was actualy thinking that is helping me train my penis to last longer, be hornyier etc. Our sex life was good, at least good enough, we were trying new things, i was exploring my body and had an interess in Female domination, anal play, slapping etc. We were also using drugs, mostly weed and MDMA. It is on our MDMA experimentation that we tryied Pegging, and it was MINDBLOWING! Like nothing i ever felt before, i was in shock descovering what my body is capable of giving me.

My interess in traditional sex dropped suddenly and all i could think were those MEGA orgasms that i felt. Things between me and her were never very good, i always had toughts of not being with the right girl, so i felt that the kind of pleasure that she gave me could be addictive, and i did not want to be addicted to her. I was in love with a girl that i met at work. I knew she was also in love with me, so i made my move, i left my girlfriend for another woman.

I made the mistake of moving from my appartament where i lived with my ex, to the appartament where my new girlfriend lived with her aunt. Her aunt also worked with me, in the kitchen where i was head chef, along with her son and his girlfriend.
Things got preety mixed up and everything changed for me, it was too much to cope with, private life getting all mixed up with personal, complete change my life overnight had huge negative impact on me, slowly, after that initial rush , after realizing that me and my new girlfriend are not so compatilble in bed. Initialy i was extremly turned on by her, having very hard erections by just being in her presence, but i did not have the balls to act first , to take her and do what she expected me to do.( note that she is a gorgeous blonde Ukranian woman, she is clearly out of my league and i had a big crush on her for about 10 months, and i was on her teritory, so i was quite intimidated and passive) She got a bit frustrated and the first time we had sex did not go well, she was mean to me and her dissapointment was obvious. In several ocasions while trying to have sex, we struggled to connect, something was wrong, very wrong.

She later told me that "I don`t know" , that i am a "good man" . Both her exes are Ukranian outlaws, she was once married, got married when she was 19 with a guy while he was still in prison. She then told me about being into BDSM. From there i started researching the topic, and became quite anxious reading the kind of things that are possible in BDSM, so as if they were things thatt she already experienced with those other men.(I was never bdsm porn since it looks violent against women and i have been thru traumatic event of home brutality from my father to my mather when i was 8) I suddenly started to feel small, depressed, every time we tryied to have sex, something was wrong. I was failing miserably to make this woman horny, and myself also, i slowly stopped getting hard erections, felt anxious about sex and together with the rest of the drama that was going on around me i started my depression.

Two years later, we live in our own place, we had a hard time understanding each other, i had a battle with myself all this time, i kept watching P and lying to her about it (she did not know i had an adiction to PMO, and i also was not aware, since i tought i am helping myself get better if i put pornographic images in my brain, and help myself last longer if i edge watching porn, both of wich are obviously wrong) I also questioned my sexuality due to the kind of sexual plasure i recieved from my prostate when i was pegged. There was also the fact that my ex told eveybody about the pegging, so there was a lot to deal with.

My sex life with her improveed over time, we never stoped trying, we both love sex, and i think we both have submissive desires, but we learned to plase each other but i always fel that something is missing, something is wrong. I for long questioned my atraction to her, since i was numb many times, getting anxious from kissing her (since she was mean to me about it in the very begging, when i was emotionally broken after my break up, the drug abuse and everything else) Many things from the past stuck in my head and i could not get out, every time i would do something to her, i would feel anxious. However i know i can enjoy dominating her, as in some ocasions i did.

Than i found about PIED and NoFap and it help me understand myself and my problem to a whole new level. The mega prostate O`s, the break up, the moving in with her family, the mismatch between me and my girl, the feelings of suffaction and guilt, the anxiety and depression, led me to lose the abilty to have natural erections, so i turned even more to porn just to see my penis hard. And so it`s started, and lasted the whole time until it got so bad that i would have an erection while watching porn, but only as i would be touching my penis, otherwise it would quickly go soft. Same when having sex.That`s when i realized i have a problem and googled something.

This is when i got enlightned, read and read and everything was making more and more sense. I finally had a solution to all my misery, i could finally revire my sick mind and finally get myself back. I stoped watching porn instatly, i felt good about it. Then i started to masturbate just with my immagination, and i rediscovered myself,my body, my feelings. it was nice and "new", it gave me hope. I stopped obsessing about my sexual orientation, i found more peace. However this masturbating without porn escalated quickly and became a habit, to the point where i started to feel bad about myself, lie and not be able to keep my erections.

Now i realized what it is that is damaging my relationship with my girlfriend and myself. I did not watch porn in over 2 months, did not MO in 8 days. I am determined to go more than 30 days without MO. And only O with my gf after. I did however had sex with my girlfriend, i played with her, made her cum many times, it felt great, it was better than ever. I did not O and i will not before the 30 days end. I want to reboot my brain, to take the fog off, and it is working. I am ready to be the man that i am meant to be. I feel that at the end of this journey, i will get my confidence back, i miss my rock hard erections .

I never spoke with anybody about this other than my girlfriend. I have no friends that i can share this kind of burden with, so i post it here, maybe it can help somebody, or somebody can help me.

Thank you.