26M HOCD sufferer trying to get life back on track after ED

grandmasterflash

New Fapstronaut
Hi there, this is my first post on nofap and as of now I'm a bit of a mess - looking to see if anyone has had a similar hocd experience and ways to deal with it. First off I have massive respect for gay guys, i've lived in gay friendly cities, gone to gay bars and drag shows with my ex girlfriend and she has gay friends who I get on with - but never had any desire to be with a man.

There have been days where I PMO'd excessively (6-7 times) but these are not frequent, few times a year when feeling very low/hungover. But was looking at porn more or less daily, I didn't see it as a problem until I heard about nofap after suffering from ED and HOCD, took a step back and examined my relationships and sexual encounters and realised I need to do something. Also HOCD is currently ruining my life, I hope someone else can comment with a similar experience and help. I have slept with 20-30 girls in my life, had 2 long term girlfriends, been in love with 3 girls and recently met (and suffered ED with) the most incredible girl I've ever met. But I feel like porn has desensitized me.. when I have sex I rarely cum from vaginal sex and have to think of other girls I've fucked, porn and more extreme fetishes to finish. I never masturbated with lube (around 13 years) which now I know was a huge mistake. I have delayed ejaculation most the time in the past 2 years - only time I havent is when I fucked a girl a few months ago in a public place.

I've been PMO'ing since I was around 11 or 12 years old, now 26, other than some brief periods of abstaining whilst in relationships I have PMO'd almost every day. Watching porn started with magazines with topless women and underwear models when I was a kid, moving onto online videos of hardcore straight porn around age 13, rushing home from school and logging onto porn was the first thing i did, and progressing to more extreme fetishes at the age of 18 to get my fix, I watched a lot of variety: milf, teen, amateur, bbw, but always straight. By age 20 I was looking at femdom fetish and JOI videos which are almost hypnotic and suck me into staring at the screen listening to the women instruct you, I would immediately close the laptop and feel nothing after finishing, only a shame that I wasnt with a real woman. About a year or two ago my femdom fetish escalated to pegging/sissy and fantasized about a woman doing it to me. Now at age 26 I have looked at transwoman porn a number of times and started to fantasise about fucking a transwoman. I knew these fetishes were wrong and had periods of abstaining, but would only last 1-2 weeks at best.

Around 12 weeks ago the panic thoughts came to my head "I'm gay" and now have an overwhelming feeling of anxiety, fear and am suffering hard - it seems to be on repeat and I cant shake it. It's been a tormenting experience, I am struggling to go outside, work and social life have taken a huge hit as this is all I can think about. I seem to have two separate sides of my brain arguing constantly one saying "you're gay.. you like men.. you want to suck a c##k.." and the other which feels more rational saying "of course you're not gay!" and laugh it off. I now find myself checking by watching normal straight porn to make sure I'm straight and masturbating over thoughts of fucking girls I know, I've resorted to going to meet my ex for sex to check I'm not gay. But none of this is getting me off like it used to. I watched a little gay porn with intent to masturbate to it for the first time in my life to check but couldn't watch for long as I just thought "this isnt me".

But it's driving me mad, I was certain I had my sexuality figured out especially as I fell in love with a girl last year and always want a girlfriend to explore sex with. What's worse is in the past year I have suffered ED with 4 different girls (one I loved) who I really wanted to fuck which has added to the anxiety over being gay. I have been checked to make sure the ED wasn't from an STD. My doctor has given me anti anxiety meds which help the anxiety but don't want this to be the solution.

I've never been the most confident with girls and not a stereotypical alpha male but I've always got aroused by girls, when I kiss them, touch them, on the way to meet a date, and even if an attractive girl would sit next to me or see them in the street I would get excited. I would get erections over tinder matches, messages, thoughts of girls ive fucked and want to fuck and just randomly in the day. Now this has almost stopped entirely, my libido has hit the floor and I'm freaking out.

I've always checked out girls with the good ass and nice tits in the street - I know this is objective but it always happens naturally. Never have I checked out a guy or had any desire to have a boyfriend or sleep with a guy - I've noticed if a guy is handsome or looks cool but never thought "I wanna fuck him"etc..'

Since I can remember I have been attracted to women - but these gay thoughts are driving me insane - is it possible for sexuality to change at age 26? All the gay guys I know got it figured out pretty early in life and I'm sure as anything that women are for me but getting rid of this constant bugging thought seems impossible.

Any advice appreciated thanks!
 
porn has desensitized me

I never masturbated with lube (around 13 years) which now I know was a huge mistake.

only a shame

pegging/sissy and fantasized about a woman doing it to me.

Around 12 weeks ago the panic thoughts came to my head "I'm gay" and now have an overwhelming feeling of anxiety, fear and am suffering hard

one saying "you're gay.. you like men.. you want to suck a c##k.." and the other which feels more rational saying "of course you're not gay!"

Any advice appreciated thanks!

Welcome @grandmasterflash ,

The struggle is daily and the soul can be week. Take heart, the sin of PMO can be overcome.

Take it one day, one hour or one minute at a time, because PMO can rewire the brain with proven complications.

PIED - Porn Induced Erectile Dysfunction which is caused by your brain demanding the "perfect" images it sees in porn. Then, in real life things are not so "perfect" and an erection is impossible.

DE - Delayed Ejaculation. This can be caused by medication as well, but PMO can cause delayed ejaculation during real sex also. With a brain that's rewired by PMO being used to seeing perfect images to ejaculate, real life sex might not provide enough stimulation.

Death Grip - frequent PMO rubs on the nerves in the penis. After a time, their is some nerve damage. So, gripping a bit more firmly happens. This new firmer grip rubs deeper nerves and it works for a while. Then, those nerves are damaged. With daily pmo, the nerve damage can be extensive and PMO will just continue the cycle until ejaculation is almost impossible.

Prone Masturbation - frequently cited as the form of masturbation that causes the most nerve damage. As opposed to manual stimulation, Prone Masturbation uses the full body weight to rub on a bed or a pillow. Most PMO experts suggest never using this form of masturbation.

If you have a problem with PMO, you are in the right place.

PMO destroys Mind, Body and Spirit and is a tool of evil.

Healing through Inspiration can be found at:

Matthew 5:30 (click for link to quote)
Galations 5:12 (Click for link to quote)
Matthew 19:12 (Click for link to quote)

Never give up,

:emoji_hamburger:
 
Quit porn and you will feel much better. Especially any Femdom or sissy hypno stuff. They are very damaging because they plant thoughts deep in your mind designed to come back to you after you come out of trance and so they pull you deeper into madness.
 
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