27 years old and tired of being alone

Hey,

I'm new to the community and can't believe this group exists. It feels like I've been struggling with loneliness since I was a teenager. I discovered porn and PMO when I was about 10 years old and used regularly until I discovered about porn addiction a couple years ago. I've had success with the 90 day challenge in the past and I need a change in my life. I can't keep on existing like this.

Here's my story:
I'm 27 years old and I've never really had a true girlfriend. I've dated girls for short periods, but the chemistry usually burns out. I'm not a virgin and have messed around with girls over the years but it is so sporadic. It might be 2 years between hook ups. I haven't had sex in 2 years. I keep trying to rationalize and explain to myself why I feel unwanted and lonely.

I don't think I'm an unattractive guy. I've been doing Crossfit for about 3 years; I'm in decent shape and feel like I can take off my shirt. I'm educated. I'm finishing my 2nd masters degree and establishing a career in organizational development. However, I can't help but feeling insecure. I can't help but thinking that girls don't think about me. I even struggle with low body self esteem at times. It doesn't make sense because I know I'm in shape but feel embarrassed about my body.

It gets worse because when I'm feeling insecure and anxious I smoke pot. I tell myself that smoking pot will relax me, distract me from my insecurities, and slow down my racing thoughts. But smoking pot then makes me horny and its not soon until I PMO.

I don't wanna be on this cycle anymore. I wanna meet a girl and learn how to see when a girl is liking me. I tell myself I'm a great guy, who can be charming and funny. I'm a guy who would treat my girlfriend well. I just want one chance to prove I could be a good boyfriend and could make a relationship work. But I feel like I've never a chance with girl

I'm so distracted by self defeating thoughts. I hope by rebooting over 30 days will help me to start thinking clearly. I need to get out the cloud.I also think I'm gonna quit smoking too. I set the counter today. I just wanna feel confident in my own skin and find a relationship. It feels like ive been alone for most of my life and I want connection, love, sex, support. I hope you can relate

 

Hey thanks.

I don't think I'm shy at all. I would describe myself as extroverted. I have hobbies too. I'm into fitness, music, cooking, movies. I love going to the movie theater. I'm in school full time too and I work too

 

Hey man,

I dont wanna pretend to be a fitness guru or anything. When I was trying to lose weight, I found a combination of working out and eating clean worked best. I had been trying to lose weight off and on my whole life. However, when I committed to eating healthier that's when I saw results. So, I knew when I act my portions were too big, so I reduced my portions by 1/2 every time I act. For example, instead of eating 2 pieces of chicken, I only ate 1. I also cut out fast food and soda. In combination with that I worked out 3 times a week religiously. It was just part of my routine. After about 6 weeks, I really remember noticing differences.

 

Day 33 (after a reboot)
July 7, 2016

Men,

Its been a while and I thought I should give an update. I just wanna start by saying that I'm writing this to encourage anyone out there struggling with addiction. There is a peace beyond the storm.

When I began this blog, I started a 90 Day Challenge. Ultimately, I failed in my efforts. I would have a string of good weeks and then I would blow all that hard work to binge for a weekend while my roommate was out of town. Funny thing is that my roommate was out of town with his girlfriend, while I was isolated. Some of it was self isolated and some wasn't but it was all the same in the end. I was depressed. Not depressed in where you feel sad, but all the other symptoms of depression. Ruminating, racing thoughts, insomnia, anxiety and then I would feel empty on the inside because I'm constantly fatigued from trying to manage racing thoughts. Constantly trying to pick myself up when I didn't have the energy. Then, I was coping by drinking beer and smoking weed. It helped manage boredom and I was lonely. Like deeply lonely, but surrounded by people that love me. I couldn't see it because again every thought I had was being filtered through this depressive lens of the would.

Then, I moved out into an apartment by myself for the first time in 5 years. This was in mid-May and I was still pretending to be on a 90-day challenge. On my umpteenth bender, I was exhausted. My dick was numb and I was a nervous mess. I reset my counter at the beginning of June. I needed to get my act together. Throughout the month, I dealt with urges, depression, and got a manage on racing thoughts. I started working on my thesis to finish my second master's degree. I started reading 2 books just because. I By the end of the month I'm not coping with porn anymore; I was building real coping skills. There were a few slips, but all things being equal, there were significantly more days when I was not masturbating versus the couple of times when I slipped. I immediately felt guilty afterwards and I think it gave me more motivation to keep strong.

Then I met a girl. I dont know how it happened. I'm the guy who has been single most of his life. I'm the guy who's 20's have been defined by random hook-ups and inconsisent sex. I lacked self confidence and ruminated on what I thought I was missing. But without being emotionally and chemically dependent on porn and other substances, I'm thinking clear for the first time in a long time. This is the first time I feel like I know who I am. I know what I stand for. For so long, I've tried to be who I thought girls wanted, rather than trying to figure out who I am or what I need. Because I was so depressed I thought I could match with anybody and I never stopped to think who I might be compatible with. It didn't start to click until a few months ago.

I matched with this girl on Bumble and we went on our first date a few nights ago. Because my head was clear, I was different that night. I was confident and I had game I didn't even know I had. I'm a licensed therapist and I never was able to translate what I knew about people to my own life. I read signals and body language all the time. That night, I was actually noticing someone flirting with me. Again, I'm the guy who has always felt invisible.

And I hit the jackpot. This girl is in her medical residency and she wants to be a OBGYN. This is the first time I think I matched with someone. I would describe myself as a nerd, but more Kanye smart. I've never been with a girl who appreciated that part of me. Unfortunately its a huge part of who I am. As well, we bonded immediately about being people of color living in the Mid-West and how out of place we feel sometimes. I knew then that I can be myself.

Today, I'm confident. I know what flirty things to say. I know how to keep the conversation. I found a confidence in me that buried underneath years of guilt, embarrassment, shame, depression, anxiety, and what ever else emotion. Masturbating to porn contributed greatly to that because I constantly fatigued and cloudy. I never had the energy to get better. I kept masturbating because it was the only time I can control feeling anything other than numbness.

Now I'm not saying that my story is finished or I'm about to have a "happily ever after" with this girl. What I am saying is that I have a date in a few days. I'm learning that I can flirt. I'm learning I can be funny with girls. I'm learning that I can read signals from women. What I'm saying is that I finally feel like I build a life that I thought I would never have. I'm gonna make a great boyfriend one day soon to a girl and I'm really excited about what that will bring. I cant say I've ever been able to say that. This is the first time I can say that I am excited to court a girl. Something has clicked within me. I know what to do and say.

So stay strong. Whatever you are struggling with. I never thought I would overcome, but today I'm a new man. Today, I'm on Day 33 and its going great. There is no weed or beer in the house. And I'm planning on calling my new friend tonight to talk on the phone. Reprioritizing my life has given me new ways to cope. I'm starting new shows, books, and I'm taking care of me.

Take care of yourself. It's worth it. You're worth it.

**************************************************

 

Day 33 (after a reboot)
July 7, 2016

Men,

Its been a while and I thought I should give an update. I just wanna start by saying that I'm writing this to encourage anyone out there struggling with addiction. There is a peace beyond the storm.

When I began this blog, I started a 90 Day Challenge. Ultimately, I failed in my efforts. I would have a string of good weeks and then I would blow all that hard work to binge for a weekend while my roommate was out of town. Funny thing is that my roommate was out of town with his girlfriend, while I was isolated. Some of it was self isolated and some wasn't but it was all the same in the end. I was depressed. Not depressed in where you feel sad, but all the other symptoms of depression. Ruminating, racing thoughts, insomnia, anxiety and then I would feel empty on the inside because I'm constantly fatigued from trying to manage racing thoughts. Constantly trying to pick myself up when I didn't have the energy. Then, I was coping by drinking beer and smoking weed. It helped manage boredom and I was lonely. Like deeply lonely, but surrounded by people that love me. I couldn't see it because again every thought I had was being filtered through this depressive lens of the would.

Then, I moved out into an apartment by myself for the first time in 5 years. This was in mid-May and I was still pretending to be on a 90-day challenge. On my umpteenth bender, I was exhausted. My dick was numb and I was a nervous mess. I reset my counter at the beginning of June. I needed to get my act together. Throughout the month, I dealt with urges, depression, and got a manage on racing thoughts. I started working on my thesis to finish my second master's degree. I started reading 2 books just because. I By the end of the month I'm not coping with porn anymore; I was building real coping skills. There were a few slips, but all things being equal, there were significantly more days when I was not masturbating versus the couple of times when I slipped. I immediately felt guilty afterwards and I think it gave me more motivation to keep strong.

Then I met a girl. I dont know how it happened. I'm the guy who has been single most of his life. I'm the guy who's 20's have been defined by random hook-ups and inconsisent sex. I lacked self confidence and ruminated on what I thought I was missing. But without being emotionally and chemically dependent on porn and other substances, I'm thinking clear for the first time in a long time. This is the first time I feel like I know who I am. I know what I stand for. For so long, I've tried to be who I thought girls wanted, rather than trying to figure out who I am or what I need. Because I was so depressed I thought I could match with anybody and I never stopped to think who I might be compatible with. It didn't start to click until a few months ago.

I matched with this girl on Bumble and we went on our first date a few nights ago. Because my head was clear, I was different that night. I was confident and I had game I didn't even know I had. I'm a licensed therapist and I never was able to translate what I knew about people to my own life. I read signals and body language all the time. That night, I was actually noticing someone flirting with me. Again, I'm the guy who has always felt invisible.

And I hit the jackpot. This girl is in her medical residency and she wants to be a OBGYN. This is the first time I think I matched with someone. I would describe myself as a nerd, but more Kanye smart. I've never been with a girl who appreciated that part of me. Unfortunately its a huge part of who I am. As well, we bonded immediately about being people of color living in the Mid-West and how out of place we feel sometimes. I knew then that I can be myself.

Today, I'm confident. I know what flirty things to say. I know how to keep the conversation. I found a confidence in me that buried underneath years of guilt, embarrassment, shame, depression, anxiety, and what ever else emotion. Masturbating to porn contributed greatly to that because I constantly fatigued and cloudy. I never had the energy to get better. I kept masturbating because it was the only time I can control feeling anything other than numbness.

Now I'm not saying that my story is finished or I'm about to have a "happily ever after" with this girl. What I am saying is that I have a date in a few days. I'm learning that I can flirt. I'm learning I can be funny with girls. I'm learning that I can read signals from women. What I'm saying is that I finally feel like I build a life that I thought I would never have. I'm gonna make a great boyfriend one day soon to a girl and I'm really excited about what that will bring. I cant say I've ever been able to say that. This is the first time I can say that I am excited to court a girl. Something has clicked within me. I know what to do and say.

So stay strong. Whatever you are struggling with. I never thought I would overcome, but today I'm a new man. Today, I'm on Day 33 and its going great. There is no weed or beer in the house. And I'm planning on calling my new friend tonight to talk on the phone. Reprioritizing my life has given me new ways to cope. I'm starting new shows, books, and I'm taking care of me.

Take care of yourself. It's worth it. You're worth it.