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28 days rebooting - My story and withdrawal symptoms

Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by Boston36, Dec 28, 2021.

  1. Boston36

    Boston36 Fapstronaut

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    Hello,

    [Trigger warning, my story will be told as honest as possible]

    I have been watching porn almost on a daily basis since I was 11-12 years old. It started with only pictures of nude women and quickly escalated to videos during the first year.

    During my third year of middle school (around 13 years old), a lot of incest videos started to be recommended and I quickly got addicted to that. I also was became extremely aroused about the idea of becoming a women and touching my body and fingering my self. I wanted to feel how women experience pleasure (Because It seemed that they experience more pleasure than men in the porn videos, and I read about the women's multiple long lasting orgasm and that made me crazy). That eventually lead to body-swap fetish where a man wakes up as a women and has sex with himself.

    That kept going for 7 years. It got to the point that I accepted the fact that I have a sexual attraction to girls in my family and that I want to be a women to always have breasts, butt, and pussy to play with any time I want. Also, to experience a women’s orgasm. But I never thought that porn could be the main problem.

    The pandemic (like for most of us) made it worse. I masturbated and watched porn 2-3 times daily or even more. But I still thought it was normal. I thought it wasn’t affecting me at all. I could be a day or two without watching porn and I never had a problem getting hard for girls I had sexual contact with. I never thought I was addicted. But I always came back to it.

    Fast forward to today, I am 21 years old, and I have been addicted to porn for almost 10 years. I had some experiences with girls during my high school years but I only had sex 5 times before I met my beautiful girlfriend in my sophomore year of college. I was with her for a month and we had a lot of healthy amazing sex.

    Important sign of withdrawal that I didn’t noticed below:
    [After about 3 weeks of being with her and no porn. She wasn’t feeling like having sex one day and I went to the bathroom and masturbated with porn. I didn’t see it as a problem. I thought I was just horny.]

    She had to go back to where she is from, and we did long distance for almost 5 months. Those 5 months were the turning point. For the most part I stop watching porn when I was with her and at the beginning of our long distance. But it eventually happened after a few weeks when she started sexting me. After our sexting session I opened a porn site and searched for videos with a girl with her body characteristics and ethnicity. That kept going on for a few days but it quickly escalated back to extreme, incest, and fetish porn. I remember I even masturbated to one of her sister’s instagram pictures and felt extremely bad just after I had an orgasm. “Wtf is wrong with me?” I thought.

    I realized that I was feeling amazing without porn and by just watching a it again I got my wrong sexual thoughts back. I decided to stop. But just porn not masturbating.

    It lasted for about 20-30 days. I wasn’t really aware of the withdrawal symptoms and consequences of stoping. I didn’t do research. I just decided to stop because I thought my girlfriend wouldn’t want his boyfriend to masturbate to porn and think outrageous sexual thoughts. But I eventually relapsed (I didn’t know I was addicted).

    This is what happened, on one sexting session my girlfriend started to tell me her most desired and secret sexual fantasies (pretty healthy and normal for a women that has never watch porn). But that triggered my brain to wanting to experience a women’s full body orgasm. All of a sudden I wanted to have her role. Be grabbed and for someone to take advantage of me and just get inside me. I wanted to feel something inside me and the urge was extremely bad. I remember I read a long time ago that the male G-spot is about 2 inches inside the anus and that gay men say it feels amazing to have a penis touch it. So what my brain connected my girlfriend’s sexual fantasies with my addiction and I got extremely anxious but aroused about the idea of being submissive.

    I didn’t relapsed at that moment. I had to go to an away soccer game and I got in to the team bus and slept the whole ride. But I woke up and one of my team mates wanted to go to the bathroom and since I was laying down butt faced to the hallway and it was crowded in the bus he touched part of my butt with his thigh. Immediately after that I felt the urge for someone to be inside me again and I got extremely aroused. I even felt something happening inside my butt. I went to the bus’ bathroom and then I imagined someone doing me from behind and me moaning and I masturbated. At that moment I thought I was gay.

    [I am explaining this urges for people to
    understand how powerful your brain can be. I hope I don’t trigger anyone. I was actually triggered a little bit by writing this and even got aroused but I didn’t relapsed. Stay strong!]

    I started getting intrusive thoughts about sucking a big penis, even sucking my own. I tried, and failed. It was bad. Then I started to check out men. I lost my attraction to women. I have never feel attractive or felt any sort of feeling for a man and now when I looked at one and it gives me palpitations in my penis and girls cause extreme anxiety and no sexual desire. What was happening to me?

    So I did the worst thing I could’ve done. To prove to my self that I was not gay. I watch a gay porn video. My heart beat raised, my penis was extremely hard and as soon as I watched one guy suck the other I orgasm. I lasted 10 seconds. After that I got EXTREME HOCD. I now had horrendous sexual intrusive thoughts about penis all day for an entire week. But I still had hope because whenever I talked to my girlfriend on FaceTime I forgot about everything and I knew I loved her.

    So I did my research. I had severe HOCD. Which is common when you have a porn addiction. I also found out that people addicted to porn watch extreme types of porn due to lack of excitement from “soft” videos and that leads to gay, incest and extreme fetishes videos fast. I found out I am an addict. The urge that I experienced was a withdrawal symptom after not watching porn for almost a month.

    I still sometimes struggle with the HOCD and the urges of putting something up my butt. That caused anxiety and low libido around my girlfriend.

    I finally saw her after 4 moths and I don't feel aroused when having sex with her as I used too. I used to use look at her and have an extreme urge to take her clothes off and get inside her. Now, when I have sex, I even feel like my penis is numbed and she doesn’t feel as good as before. I can’t get hard after the first round anymore (I used to be able to do 3 or even 4 rounds sometimes). She is an amazing healthy beautiful women that deserves a man that gets turned on and gets hard for her.

    She left with her family for a Christmas trip (I couldn’t afford it) and left me alone at her apartment for 1 week. I spent Christmas eve alone and eventually my sister came and visit me. But that week was the hardest week yet. I was alone. I masturbated 5 times the first and second day on her bed. I felt horrible. The third day I decided I was also going to quit masturbating. Since it was something I couldn’t control. I realized I have done it in public places or with people around.

    But for me it is harder than quitting porn. I masturbated again on the 24th. My streak lasted about 3 days. I was scrolling on instagram and I saw a hot girl with a bikini and I masturbated to her picture. In that same session I continued to look for girls that I followed that showed a little bit of their butt or breasts in a picture and masturbated again.

    It was not a reset or relapse for me. Because it was not full on porn. I wanted to see a pussy so bad but I didn’t. Then that same night, I got the urge to put something up my butt again, and while I was shaking of nervousness and feeling the dopamine rush because I have never done butt stuff before, I grabbed a carrot, warmed it up, put a condom on it, and masturbated with it up my butt.

    It was easy for me. I was alone and depressed on Christmas eve. But that was it for me. I can’t control my masturbation urge either and that is going to mess with my life and affect my girl too. So after that event. I decided to quit masturbating for real.

    My sister is now here and I thought it was going to be easier with me not being alone but it isn’t. I have the porn part under control except for the HOCD and extreme sexual urges sometimes. But to not masturbate is extremely hard. My sister has a really good body and she is cute. It is hard for me to not look at her with desire right now and it makes me really sad. I will
    never do anything to her and I just want to be a loving brother. I want to be healthy.

    This is my situation now. 28 days without porn. 3 days without masturbating. HOCD is way better than a month ago. But the urges are really strong to masturbate and watch nude women.

    These are some of my symptoms after quitting porn for 25+ days:

    1-10 days: Normal, odd desire to look at women more than ordinary but happy and normal
    11-19 days:
    Sex dreams about previous sexual encounters or with celebrities, constant sexual thoughts during the day with strong erections. Increased anxiety but manageable.
    20-30 days:
    Extreme anxiety, leading to irritable bowel syndrome, fatigue, chest pain, nausea, and more anxiety related symptoms.
    HOCD
    Extreme sexual urge (Vivid thoughts of wanting to do everything with anyone)
    Normal straight sexual dreams but more frequent
    Daydreaming about sex all the time (intrusive sexual thoughts)
    Extreme urge of being submissive (get penetrated in the mouth and butt)
    Really low libido with my girlfriend (flatline, not aroused like before during sex)
    31-40 days
    I will find out and update you guys!

    I can tell you guys that the journey has not being easy but it has been worth it. My HOCD is to the very minimal now. My intrusive gay thoughts have diminished by I can say almost 90 percent. But I still have a lot of anxiety and sometimes unwillingness to get out of my bed and I don’t do anything all day.

    Things that had helped me a lot:

    Tell my close friends I have a problem and realize they have it too. I am not alone in this journey.

    Write my story in this forum.

    Meditate. I recommend the Healthy Minds app.

    I spoke to my mom about my HOCD.

    Keeping my mind busy and doing things I love.

    Spending time with my girlfriend and realize how lucky I am to be with a women like her.

    When an intrusive thought comes I think of a disgusting situation combined with a big red X covering it.

    I let my self go when I think about my girlfriend naked. I enjoy the moment without touching my self.


    Hopefully this wasn’t too long. I will keep updating you guys when the days pass. My girlfriend will come in 5 days. I am extremely excited to see her. I miss her so much. When she comes back we it is going to be our first time living together. Hopefully I get aroused like I used to more often and eventually marry her.
     
  2. Holy shit ,man!
    Your story did not trigger me at all, but actually strongly encouraged me to stay on track, so thank you!
    Yeah, there is no end to the perversion, it's like a bottomless pit.
    When I was a kid, I got feelings of arousal with certain females in my family, aunts and my half sister...
    Back then, I was so confused and ashamed for having those feelings toward family members. Human psychology is complex.
    Consistent meditation is very good and probably one of the best practices to overcome our addiction.
    For me, I had to find the reasons behind my porn addiction, and once I discovered those, I made changes to my life. I did this without the help of a therapist...just reading books and watching youtube videos.
    Now, the changes I am making are helping me to release the bondage to the "porn demons"
     
    Abel100% likes this.
  3. Boston36

    Boston36 Fapstronaut

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    That is why I started to post here! To help as much people with my problem as I can! I am really glad I motivated you to move forward ! Yes, meditation and therapy really help! It really helps calm my urges down and live in the moment.
     
  4. Boston36

    Boston36 Fapstronaut

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    Day 29 No Porn / Day 4 No Masturbating:

    This day started rough with a vivid sex dream. Here it is:

    [Trigger warning]

    I was having sex with the first girl I saw in the hotel I am staying. I started to noticed it was a dream so I took control and made my girlfriend appear naked. I started to have sex with her. But I lost excitement so I made Scarlet Johansson appear, and I started to have sex with her. Then, I lost excitement again and I looked up and I saw my sister naked on a bed. I started to have sex with her. But when I was about to have an orgasm I realize I was in a dream again, so I stopped as soon as I realize what I was doing and I woke my self up. I woke up with the hardest erection I have had in a while and extremely horny. But I didn’t even touch my self a little bit. I was proud of my self that I stopped what I was doing even in my dream and that afterwards I didn’t relapse. But then I got really worried about what porn has done to me. I have a really perverted brain now. The damage is worse than I expected.

    But this experience motivated me even more to change. I don’t want to be this monster anymore.

    Withdrawal symptoms today:

    Extreme vivid sex dream as stated above.
    The extreme urge to be submissive and penetrated got back for a bit during the day.
    Strong urge to masturbate.
    Really vivid sexual thoughts about doing anything I want to my girlfriend (overall healthy).
    Strong anxiety and disassociation from the real world.
    Not finding pleasure in great non-sexual activities during the day.
    I looked at every single big ass I could on the street and wished my girlfriend was like that.

    Conclusion:

    This day has been one of the hardest but I didn’t relapsed. It’s time to make a change.
    My girlfriend comes in 4 days and I can’t be happier. Even with all those withdrawal symptoms stated above. There was a time during the day that I felt butterflies again when I thought about her, and another time where I genuinely missed her. There was a little light in this dark day. That is what keeps me going.
     
    AED likes this.
  5. Boston36

    Boston36 Fapstronaut

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    Day 30 No porn / Day 0 No masturbation

    I masturbated. I feel so disappointed. But still motivated to eventually remove it from my life. It’s a reset. The positive thing is that I unconsciously just concentrated in the moment and my sensations. Porn or sexual intrusive thoughts didn’t even crossed my mind. I was so sensitive and turned on that I had 3 consecutive shaking orgasms without ejaculation just by breathing and focusing on the pleasure. It was weird. My penis wasn’t even hard but I had to touch it. I eventually ejaculated. The urge was horrible. It’s been two consecutive times I reset on day 5 of masturbation. Now I know what to expect this days.

    I was so excited to see my girlfriend without any masturbating. Now Back to day 0. The feeling of regret feels horrible. Just because I woke up in the middle of the night and couldn’t sleep. I reseted.
     

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