28 m. New No Fapper!

Hi All.
I've been watching this movement from the sidelines for a while, whilst trying my own personal battle against PMO. That's not really worked and so now joining the community to help and be helped.

I'm 28 now. I can't really remember a point in my life when I wasn't sexually interested... (this could be a long post). I can remember maybe being as young as 10 when I became interested in my friends genitals, and getting mine out. I actually remember being about 6 or 7 and showing my D to some guy in the school toilets. He told the teachers and I got told off and I felt guilty and sick for the rest of the day. Probably scared my parents would find out. I don't know if they did.

And then I had another friend who I would play 'rude games' with. It was basically us naked playing normal games. I don't think that's too important to my story other than to highlight that it was a young age that I wanted to look at and show my body to people.

I remember being between 9-12, at my friends house, waiting for his Mum to go to bed, and typing 'spice girl's nude' into yahoo on dial up! (never the quietest way to look at porn) It's funny now thinking about it! Lara Croft was another one we tried. We never managed to master the cheat code that made her take her clothes off though. (R2 L2 Square Circle Square Left Right Up Down, Triangle R1.... I usually just ended up falling off a cliff).

When I was 13 or so I discovered chat rooms (a/s/l? - 13/yes please/my bedroom - classic answer). And that was also around the time that webcams were integrated or heavily used. I am fairly sure that I naively fapped off on Cam to some 40 year old guys thinking they were my age. Other things I remember about that time. Just the hours and hours and hours I'd spend online clicking from one website to the next. Or, you'd click on a video but it would actually load another landing page of another vid site, so then you'd click on a video on that site and it would load another page and another landing site... who knows how many viruses my first computer had. The thing with that is that it didn't take long for me to find some fairly disturbing material. Stuff that 13/14 year olds should not be exposed to. To be honest, it's stuff that now as a 28 year old I don't want to be exposed too. But, regardless of how uncomfortable and unhappy it made me feel, I'd go back to porn and chat rooms every night. On the weekend's my parents would go to Morrisons for the weekly shop, the 2 hours they were out the house I'd binge on porn and chat rooms. I can still remember the faces of a couple of the guys I spoke to on the chat rooms. And I remember lying in bed, closing my eyes to sleep and the images of all that I had looked at throughout the day would be burnt into my eyelids. I'd not be able to sleep.

Headaches were a symptom I had a lot of at that age. I'd also sacrifice social events to sit in my room and jack off. I'd not eat lunch as that would disturb me from the web. All in all, it was pretty grim.

So, the fact that 14-16 years later, I'm still looking at porn, and more often than not, trading pics with people I know. It's ludicrous! I know that I don't enjoy it. I know that the reward my brain feels is so temporary. As in, seconds. I know that I'd enjoy learning a language or an instrument or having a better bond with my Dad would make me 100 times happier in my life, and yet porn and pics is the easy option.

I've been doing fairly well recently but this week, I'm not sure what it is, maybe the weather or the circumstances but I am soo horned up. And have been on the web and trading every day. The headaches of my teens have returned, as has the brain haze, the agitation, the impatience, the lack of energy/drive/enthusiasm...

There's a lot to read there. So, I apologise for that! The more I think about it now the more things I remember I did when I was younger and the feelings I had. The main thing I can't get my head around is, if I hated it so much when I was 14, and I knew I hated it, and I knew I wanted to stop, how is it possible that I am still doing the same thing over and over...

 

Thanks for reading it D.J!

Strategies... I guess like most, I turn to porn when bored and feel like I have nothing else to do, so, finding things to do instead is the plan! Or. Call my friends and family!

 

Hey. Man. Thanks - appreciate the support. Feeling strong at the moment, and excited about the opportunity to grow as an individual.

I hope your journey goes well too, look forward to following it.