29 YO Starting my journey

Hi everyone,

Firstly I'd like to commend this community for the fantastic work that it strives to achieve, and the lives its improved.

Below is how I came to end up here, and potentially could constitute low threshold trigger, so out of respect I have spoilered it. Though it really isn't anything strong, but does reference what could be triggers to people having read the rules.

Spoiler: My story

I'm not a writer so please bare with me with the chops and changes in time reference, I hope it all makes sense :/

I have long known that I had an issue but have remained in denial about it. Last week I was out with some friends from work, including some very attractive women in their early 20's who often flirt heavily with me. There was, as expected, lots of dirty dancing and whilst I enjoyed the attention, had zero sexual response. I wasn't hammered, and had no other reasons to not get aroused.
The next day I became depressed about it and broke a 6 day non-NoFap related streak.
Having spent the last 3 days in a VERY deep depression, only being broken by google asking me if I should call the Samaritans and listening to John Frusciante, I'm heading back to my "better self", so panic over there. (I refer to my better self as not fully recovered, but good days. I hope to resolve many issues other than this over time, but that is not for here. Anyway...) So today I find myself here.

Since early puberty I have chronically masturbated, during summer holidays with internet access I found myself forcing dry orgasms into double figures. As time went by I started escalating for more intense porn, through light bondage, BDSM, crossdressing, to where I am now, only able to get off to more extreme Forced Femme/Sissy content or Hypno.

I know I am straight, only finding women attractive in real life, and want to have a fulfilled relationship with a SO; have kids, live in the country, have dogs, yada yada... Which of course brings a conflicted feeling and shame which spirals further into the rabbit hole. I've purged many times and always came back. Usually due to stress induced by family issues. However, without being morbid, they are all dead [insert everybody is dead Dave reference], now so all I have to do is process, which I have a couple of years done already, but likely have some more to go.

Yesterday I deleted all the bookmarks and history and content I have for these sites, and despite it found myself late at night thinking about Bambi sleep. Which is a particularly toxic hypno series that I hadn't engaged in for months, and ended up MO'ing thinking about it. Bambi sleep, does have one redeeming feature though, and that having googled it a while back I came across NoFap. So well done users!

Today I read through the FAQ's and intro info on this site and have concluded that I definitely have PIED and Deathgrip.
Social anxiety when I was younger, family issues which are now over, but I am still recovering from, and my porn addiction have meant that I have never been able to maintain a even a short term relationship. As such, I find myself heading toward 30 as a virgin. I would call myself a reasonably attractive guy, at 6"6' well built, a reasonable face (and only a partially receded hairline!) I should have been able to achieve having a fruitful relationship of some kind, or at the very least some healthy fun times.

So with all that off my chest, I look forward to living a healthier, and more fulfilling life. I intend to start with a full 90 day PMO reset as recommended, and take things from there. My goals stand at completing the 90days, attending the gym regularly, finding myself a SO without the worry of performance issues, quitting smoking, and most of all having a healthy relationship with my sexual needs.
I know that is a lot to accomplish all at once, however I have already partially accomplished some of them. I intend to use the gym to absorb some of the free time I will have, so should help with the 90 days. Finding a SO, and having a healthier sexuality will come from the 90 days. And, well, quitting smoking is only ever a positive, I had a 3 week streak before last week so again, this should go hand in hand.

Thanks for reading my small essay!

Any advise, tips, hints, cheat codes, or questions are welcome. Especially around making it hard to access content again. If I make it inconvenient enough then it will at least be a trigger to reconsider my actions.

I can't wait to get stuck into this.

Once again, thank you all for creating something so positive!

~Oz

 

Thanks for that Jerry,

I'd definitely say that rings true for me. Anything I like I dive headlong into it until I get bored or break it! The plan is to do that with the positive and not have any time for the negative. If I just stopped, I'd definitely relapse. I'm got a promotion at work (about 3 stages up!), So I have a tonne of training and work to throw myself into as well.